Emotional abuse?

[Aleoras]

Got to know a cute lady who I got along quite well with as a friend, where I only saw her as something like a little sister younger than me by half a decade. One day she suddenly started getting naughty with her texts, so I just played along and reciprocated in kind. It didn't take long afterwards for her to keep dropping obvious hints that she likes me, thus I took the leap of faith and asked her to be my girl, which she accepted.

Things were okay for merely the first day, with the lady being sweet and caring, sending messages to show her concern and becoming more explicit with the naughty texts. Then it started to get quite ugly on the second day. When she missed my reply to her text, she start accusing me of not seeing her as important and having my attention on other ladies. While I was explaining things, she went on to say things such as I can just do whatever I like, and she would do likewise. Wouldn't be so frustrated if I was out having fun or something, but I'm innocent and it's exasperating. Was irritated for a while, till the point when she came back saying she missed me and thought I didn't want to speak with her. It took quite some time that night to coax her through text and through phone conversations, until she dozed off on me during the wee hours of the morning.

Come morning the third day, it seemed like we were back to normal again. She was sweet and quite sincere in apologising for sleeping midway through the conversation, asking for forgiveness to which I assured her that no offence was taken. We met up with other friends later that day, and I paused a little while when she was chatting with the others to look at messages on my phone. A buddy contacted me to arrange for dinner the next day. It was a while since we met, so I also took a while to just check with him how's everything. She was concerned that I took some time sending messages on my phone, so I got candid with her and asked her not to worry since I was only arranging for dinner with another friend.

She got pissed immediately, just answered 'Kay' then left, leaving the rest of us baffled. A little while later, she just sent me a text saying 'Have fun at the dinner'. I got the underlying meaning, and confronted her that she was being jealous unnecessarily, that as long as she wants to keep the relationship going I will be devoted. She got started again that I can do whatever I want, and added that she can't help being jealous as she is only human and very sincere about our relationship. Skeptical on that by now but decided to give the benefit of doubt, asking her to calm down and tried to convince her that both of us need to put in effort to make the relationship work out.

Contact between us went silent for a good while after that. When she finally initiated contact again, she was saying that she missed me, she was sorry that maybe she wasn't good enough for me. Naturally, I pressed her for an answer on whether she was willing to make the relationship work. She dodged the question, and instead went on to ask that I not let her wait too long as she may have given up when I want her, and saying (in my opinion) nonsense about treating others with dignity and care in every situation while in a relationship.

The more I think about it the more the blood within my veins run cold as the conclusion derived was that she is playing with my feelings, though it makes me feel much better about the relationship. Playing hot and cold, making it seem as though I'm the one at fault, and going hysterical at every little thing. She didn't even bother asking whether I was meeting a guy or lady for dinner before flipping out. The absurdity started way too fast before any physical intimacy commenced. Logic tells me it's emotional abuse. However, it's bugging me as mutual friends were asking whether I knew what was going on since the lady seemed to be very down lately and she hasn't shared with anyone what was troubling her.

Anyone with experience in managing such freakish situations able to advise?

[larue]

Stay away from such passive aggressive people. They take years off your life.

They lament their husbands died young, and life is so unfair. Then I examine their personality traits and am convinced their husbands simply lost the will to live.

[Edyta]

Originally Posted by larue

Stay away from such passive aggressive people. They take years off your life.

They lament their husbands died young, and life is so unfair. Then I examine their personality traits and am convinced their husbands simply lost the will to live.

I also think she is passive aggressive, such people tends to be narcissistic as well. Whoever gets involve with them goes thru a rollercoaster of emotions. u never know where u stand with her, one moment u think she loves u v mch, one moment u dont. It would eat u up from the inside. If a relationship is going in that pattern in day 2 u need to reassess the situation, disengage early can save u alot pain m wasted time effort emotion money. take care TS

[hugs]

Show her who is the boss. In every relationship, somebody has to wear the pants. If she is a playful smart intelligence, she might be testing your limits n your EQ. But in this case, she is not. You said others informed you that she is depress now right? You can call the shot in this relationship with her because u definitely affect how she feels. She is clearly a xmm and u like that right? Don't give up on a relationship so early. Learn to handle. It can't fuck u up if u remember to stay in control of ur emotion. Is an excellent experience and is good for u in future. Take it as building up your 6 packs mind and emotion muscles. No pain no gain. But what you cannot handle will fuck up your life. Remember to quit if you can't manage her but do it with style. Be firm but gentle. Years later when you and her cross path, she will still respect you.

Looking at what u wrote, u are fine. Just inexperience. Have confidence in yourself. And you are right about her talking nonsense. Talking about dignity n respect is out of topic. Next time when she talk nonsense, tell her. Don't quarrel but push back her abuse and show her who is the boss in this relationship. She also needs to learn, just like u. She is 5 years younger, remember? Be the gor gor, not her 弟弟.

[Captainoceania77]

She has mood swing and behaves like a princess......Better avoid this kind of woman as you will have hard time with her . Are you willing to give in to her for the rest of your life? Move on bro..

[maxsee]

No offense but in the first place what makes you think that someone so much younger than you would actually fall in love with you? More like she is merely toying with your feelings.....

[Notary]

Disclaimer: I'm going to write something very straightforwardly pertaining to the female creatures of this Earth. Sisters of SBF, please know that whatever I am about to say is from a tender heart. Don't hate me but instead, try to see from my lenses and make whatever change needed that could improve your standard of living as a person with your boyfriend, husband and family.



Dear Bro Aleoras,



You sound like a nice guy, someone who is sincere and down to Earth. I'm sure that your intentions are good with that nutty-as-fruitcake girlfriend of yours but unfortunately you are being emotionally abused and usually this does not end well for you and her. No one deserves to be abused emotionally. This is not about anyone being too young - it is about maturity, and maturity is never measured by age but by the way a person handles life.



You should also see that you got into this relationship out of convenience - like going to 7 Eleven, or a nearby provision shop to get your condoms when you need them in a jiffy - "convenience" is the key word. You were not courting her to begin with, you took that leap of faith because she gave you the green light and apparently you leaped into hell.



Let's take a good look at that girl's character. She started getting naughty with you during your textual conversations, I do not know exactly what this naughty means but I would like to assume that it is not her telling you things like "hey handsome, I'm spreading my pussy lips now and I am getting wet while texting you." I suppose it was more subtle and non-sexual. But if a girl could take that step to first tempt the guy, it tells a lot about that girl's innocence and character - you do the math. She has presented a lot of insecurities, this could emerge due to a bad family background (for example, the lack of parental love due to divorce or physical abuse). Remember this, you are out there to search for a nice girl, be with her and start a good family (assuming that this is what you're after), you're not someone's counsellor or sanitary pad - you're not there to absorb all the crap when she's releasing them uncontrollably.



For me, I am not the best at throwing away friends even though they might be bad apples. I treasure every relationship I have and maybe this could be a huge flaw of mine. But in your case, you have 2 routes to take (1) break friendship with her totally. This move is kind of impossible because it would create a bad working aura between you, her and your work environment. (2) tell her that you want to be friends only because you are not ready to be in a relationship. This would hurt her ego real bad and she would do all she can to grab hold of you and probably even have sex with you to keep you. Both ways, it ain't a box of chocolates for you bro.

The female race is a strange creature,
much problems were caused because of them (sometimes by them)
but still we cannot live without them.

To be continued bros.... getting sleepy... been a long day.

[Notary]

I would like to start by talking about the legendary Premenstrual Syndrome otherwise more commonly known as PMS. According to a news article "Men were right all along. Our hormones DO make us women irrational" written by Ms. Rachel Ragg. It shared a number of real life stories regarding what some women did in the midst of their irrationality.



Example #1: "My mood swings were dreadful. After a row with my husband I drove my car into a wall"



Example #2: "‘When I have PMS, I become the opposite of my usual self,’ she says. ‘I usually see the best in everything and everyone — but for a week every month I become irrational and unpleasant."



Example #3: "In a fit of anger against the husband with whom she’d recently split, she had gathered up every reminder of her marriage, lit a match and set fire to the lot. It was only when it began to get out of control that Martina realised the severity of the situation.‘The flames started to melt the PVC window frames on the house and a section of guttering,’ she says. ‘Luckily, I was able to put it out with buckets of water but I could have burnt the house down."



Example #4: "Suzanne Gilchrist was jailed for more than four years for assault and other offences after claiming she had been suffering a ‘hormonal imbalance’ when she hit a pedestrian in her car and then tore through a town’s streets with him still clinging to her bonnet."

According to Dr Nick Panay, chairman of the National Association for Premenstrual Syndrone and the British Menopause Society, says that "PMS is a problem with a medical basis. The fluctuating levels of female hormones affect the central nervous transmitters including serotonin, dopamine and adrenaline, which influence everything from our mood to our concentration and sleep.



Therefore, Bro Aleoras, maybe the above could explain why your girl was acting crazy during that period (pun intended ) of time. Then you might say that the PMS was just a fragment of hellfire that the general population is experiencing, well, there are other factors too that we cannot ignore, such as their unreasonable expectations wired in their DNA:



1. Wanting him to pay for things, but still be a financial equal.

We live in a society where women are educated, they too have the power to garner wealth. However, it was naturally conceived in their minds that because of their gender, they need to be pampered. When having a meal with them, you're expected to foot the bills, drive to her location, pick her up, ferry her to the arranged destination and hell, why don't you clean her shoes too? And at the end of the day, you talk about women and men being equal? Check out the Singapore Women's Charter and then you can reevaluate gender equality in Singapore.



2. Wanting him to want to do things.

Do we ever insist our other half to sit beside us and wholeheartedly watch the EPL? Based on this question, look at what women expect us men to do.

"whether it was emptying the dishwasher, or going out with a group of my friends to an event I knew he wasn’t that interested in — it would drive me crazy to think that I dragged him through it. Even if he didn’t complain, and was perfectly reasonable, I needed to go the extra mile and make him pretend to have really wanted to do it. And I can’t really name a woman who doesn’t do this, about one issue or another."



3. Don’t look at other women.

Say what!? Know this girls, when guys look at another pretty babe, it is like you going to Zara staring at their latest range of handbags. It really does not mean that we are sexually stripping her clothing or fantasising on her sucking our dicks. Sometimes, we are just admiring the beautiful creations of God - i'm sorry that you don't look like her but it is not my fault, why get angry with me? The only way we men can stop looking at pretty girls is by going blind. Instead of getting worked up all the time why not try to accept this nature of life?



4. Wanting to build a financial future, but also have a pricey wedding.

"Dear... I want to go to Maldives and then to Europe for our honeymoon..."
"Dear... Let's hold our wedding at the Ritz Carlton Hotel.."
"Dear... Let's go take wedding pictures in the Amazon Rainforest..."
"Dear... I want to look very very pretty in my classy wedding dress, it's once in a lifetime for me you know..?" (not really, at this rate, you're heading for a second and third marriage sooner than you expect)

Enough said.



5. Basing relationship expectations off of people around you.

Hey lady, it does not matter if your colleague is getting married. It does not matter if their diamond ring is bigger than yours. It does not matter if your best friend husband's dick is long and thick. It does not matter if Jane was brought to a romantic date to Marina Bay Sands yesterday and you were brought to Food Republic to have one of the best Hokkien Noodles in town. It does not matter because it is none of your business. You should be contented with what you have and concentrating on building your lives together instead of putting unnecessary stress on your other half.



6. Thinks that their life is a romantic Korean comedy.

For a long time, students were taught on Sex Education that pornography is all an act. Do not expect that your wife to do the things that these women can do. We men know how to differentiate between fact and fiction; we ask of you to do the same. You will not marry a handsome young boy who out of nowhere catches you when you fall only to find out that he is a billionaire's son who is soon to take over his family's riches. He then magically falls in love with you, takes you everywhere in his limousine, flies you around in his private jet and has got a body nicer than Zac Efron's. *bbbrriiiinnggggggggggg....* That's your alarm clock waking you up from your dream.


7. Have sex with me even though I've become lazy, fat and smelly because we made a vow before during marriage that you'll love me unconditionally.

They say that a picture paints a thousand words...

8. Always choose me over your friends.

Women must understand that even though that the Earth revolves around the Sun, they are not the Sun. Our lives goes on even after getting attached, we still have friends. A guy cannot throw away all his drinking kakis and get home before 8:00 PM to watch Wheel of Fortune with you. Of course we cannot go overboard by hanging out with friends every day but taking it easy once in awhile gives you some personal time too.



There are even verses in the Holy Bible that talks about crazy wives, let's look at what God has to say:


Proverbs 21:19
It is better to live in a desert land than with a quarrelsome and fretful woman.

Proverbs 27:15
A continual dripping on a rainy day and a quarrelsome wife are alike

Proverbs 31:10
"An excellent wife who can find? She is far more precious than jewels..."



Let us look at these quotes on women by some established people:



"Women have a wonderful instinct about things.
They can discover everything except the obvious."
- Oscar Wilde



Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood.
- Oscar Wilde



"Women marry men hoping they will change.
Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed."
- Albert Einstein



"The chief excitement in a woman's life is spotting women who are fatter than she is."
- Helen Rowland



There are women who do not like to cause suffering to many men at a time, and who prefer to concentrate on one man: These are the faithful women.
- Alfred Capus



"Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then."
- Katherine Hepburn



I hope my insights have enlightened you on your situation. It is not about solving your problem with Ms. Fruitcake, it is an issue of choosing the right person. However, in my opinion, the options in Singapore are now very tight. It's like looking for water in a desert but most of the time you'll only see a mirage.



Totally discouraged by what I just said?
Well, at least I'm showing you the truth.
Good luck Bro.

[Aleoras]

I truly appreciate everyone who has contributed their opinions, it's a lighter load after sharing. Still trying to end the abuse and getting the lady to see my point of view also, despite having something like a cold war going on. I'm a patient guy willing to wait for answers to my doubts, merely not the type who will say sweet things just to please a lady when knowing that it cannot be delivered or that it is not the truth. Still feel that it's better to let a relationship fizzle out than to let the lady live a fantasy which cannot be sustained by me.

Hugs, you are right. She's a sweet young thing that is my type. I just need to become clearer on what is nonsense and what is not, then manage my own emotions better while pointing it out. Doesn't seem like there's much point in making myself agitated over irrational lines of thought. Agreed on your suggestion of being firm yet gentle should letting go become a necessity, that is what I hope to achieve if parting becomes a necessary reality.

Notary, I am 100% sure of zapping you if I could. You are coming across to me as someone desperate to get recognition by posting my issue on your thread without so much as having the courtesy to ask. Still struggling and it is annoying to be used like that before obtaining closure. Appreciate the self sacrificing thought though, by drawing my attention into fueling anger towards you instead. I cannot refute what you said about me accepting the relationship out of convenience. Me being on this forum at all is already saying a lot of things. However, the word 'lady' was not chosen by coincidence or that my vocabulary was too limited. Those unreasonable expectations you mentioned, only a very small part is true for my case and thus why I'm very much interested in having the relationship work. It is puzzling why you would bother to share options even you don't think is good though. Neither am I inclined to exploit someone who I still care about. Singapore is not as safe anymore, I remember that someone stabbed his girlfriend over a petty reason such as being late for his birthday celebration. Don't want to risk becoming part of the news as someone being stabbed either.

If the relationship can work out, it's good. If not, I would still like to end it amicably.

[devilchan78]

Have you bonked her yet?

[hongkongdoggy]

Actually this kind of situation do happen! Some young punk just like mature male.

[Crystal90]

so she is playing mind games with ya?

[orangeproud]

TS better consider this relationship seriously, the girl is syt is your type but can you tolerate her unstable temperament in long terms. She is young, yet she behave like a PMS woman, so it is her character flaw, she maybe wilful all the time, want people to give in to her all the time. To get along with someone who like weather suddenly sunny, suddenly rainy, suddenly thunder, is a very tiring & emotional drain no matter how sweet or good looking she is, soon u will detest. If someone whether is guy or gal always take chance to emotional or verbal abuse u, u shld observe their character more or whether she have mental problem b4, engage in substance abuse b4 & etc.

No point keep on tolerate, coax her or give in to her bcos she might getting more & more wilful, I rather with someone who is average looking but is mature, good temperament.

[IamZapped]

Better to leave her

[Crystal90]

Originally Posted by IamZapped

Better to leave her

totally right.