Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[seesaw]

A woman walks into her Gynecologist and the doctor says, "Miss why do you have "F" on your stomach?"

The woman replies, "I went to bed last night with Fred and refused to take off his belt."

A couple of weeks later, she goes to her Gynecologist again and the doctor says, "Miss why do you have "C" imprinted on your stomach?"

The woman replies, "I went to bed with Chris last night and he refused to take his belt off."

A couple of months pass, the woman goes to her Gynecologist again, and this time the woman has "F and C" imprinted on her stomach.

The doctor says, "Miss now I know you didn't go to bed with Fred and Chris last night."

And the woman replies, "No, I went to bed last night with the Fire Chief and he refused to take off his helmet."

[bakylotus]

A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to
a hospital. When the grandmother telephoned the
nurse to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet'.

Ancient Egyptians slept on pillows made of stone. Thats
actually what caused many of their deaths...pillow fights!

Be careful reading the fine print, there's no way you're
going to like it.

Can you believe how many award shows they have now?
It seems there is an award show for everything. They
even have awards for commercials called The Clio Awards,
a whole show full of commercials. I taped it and then
fast forwarded through the whole thing.

Children, you spend the lst two years teaching them how
to walk and talk, then you spend the next sixteen telling
them to sit down and be quiet.

[Roman city]

One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a lonesome miner came down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town. “I’m lookin’ for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in the Yukon!” he said to the bartender. “We got her!” replied the barkeep. “She’s upstairs in the second room on the right.” The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the whore and two beers. He grabbed the beer bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked open the second door on the right and yelled, “I’m lookin’ for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in the Yukon!” The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, “You found her!” Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles. “How do you know I want to do it in that position?” asked the miner. “I don’t,” replied the whore, “but I thought you might like to open those beers before we get started.”

[birdie8819]

When George Burns was 97 years old he was interviewed by Oprah Winfrey, Oprah asked, "Mr. Burns, how do you carry so much energy with you? You are always working and at your age I think that is remarkable."

Mr. Burns said, "I just take good care of myself and enjoy what I do when I do it."

Oprah said, 'I understand you still do the sex thing, even at your age.'

George said, 'Of course I still do the sex thing, and I am quite good at it.'

Oprah said, 'I have never been with an older man, would you do it with me?'

So they had sex and when they finished Oprah said, 'I just don't believe I have ever been so satisfied, you are a remarkable man.'

George said, 'The second time is even better than the first time."

Oprah said, 'You can really do it again at your age?'

George said, 'Just let me sleep for 1/2 hour. You hold my testicles in your left hand and my penis in your right hand and wake me up in thirty minutes.'

When she woke him up, they again had great sex, and Oprah was beside herself with joy.

She said, 'Oh Mr. Burns, I am astounded that you could do a repeat performance and have it be better than the first time. At your age, Oh My, Oh My!!!'

George said that the third time would be even better. 'You just hold my testicles in your left hand and my penis in your right hand and wake me in thirty minutes.'

Oprah said, 'Does me holding you like that kind of recharge your batteries?'
George said, 'No, but the last time I had sex with a black woman she stole my wallet".

[birdie8819]

A woman was going to marry one of those guys that wants a virgin bride. Since she was not, she went to a doctor to reconstruct her hymen. The doctor told her that would cost around $500, but there was another way that will cost only $50.

The woman agreed to try the cheap way, paid the money, and the doctor worked on her for several minutes.

After the "first night", the woman came back to the doctor and told him that it was perfect. The pain, the blood, everything was there. She asked him how he did it.

"I tied your pubic hair together," he answered.

[birdie8819]

Little Johnny drew a fly on the class grade book. It looked so realistic, that when Miss Baker saw the fly sitting on the notebook, she slammed it with a ruler. The fly didn't fly away. So she slammed the book once again, again the fly didn't fly away.

This drove Miss Baker really mad, so she started to pound the book with the ruler and, as a result, the grade book became a bunch of torn sheets of paper. With the class laughing, she realized what had happened. Then Miss Baker called Little Johnny's father to school.

"You see what your son did to our class grade book?" she said.

"That's nothing." replied the father. "Last month, he drew a naked woman on a fence and for two weeks straight I was pulling splinters out of my dick."

[bakylotus]

FOOD FOR THOUGHT


DIAPER spelled backwards is REPAID, think about it.


Do you brighten a room just by entering or just by leaving?


Everyone wants to go to Heaven, but nobody wants to die.


Frequent naps prevent old age, especially if taken while driving.


Friends may come and go but enemies accumulate.


Give a man a fish and feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish
and get rid of him for a day.


He who laughs first also laughs last if nobody laughed in the middle.


Have a great day, unless you have other plans.

[Roman city]

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

The teacher then announced, “Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn’t hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!”

The room really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand. “Yes?” replied the teacher. “Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?”

[Silver Wolf]

nice jokes around here.
thanks all for sharing here.

[Humpy Dumpty]

Birdie. Ur jokes are the bomb.

[beary]

A drunk walks up to the host of a party and says, "'Scuse me, but do you have green toilet paper that says, 'Fuck you?'"

The host looks disdainfully at the drunk and says, "No, I don't have green toilet paper that says, 'Fuck you.'"

"Oh, then I'm terribly sorry," says the drunk, " I think I just wiped my ass with your parrot."

[ah rat]

The teacher in Johnny's school asked the class what their parents did for a living.

One little girl said her father was a doctor, another said her mother was an engineer.

When it was Little Johnny's turn, he stood up and said, "My mom's a whore!"

Naturally, after that remark, he got sent off to the principal's office. Then, 15 minutes later, he returned.

So the teacher asked, "Did you tell the principal what you said in class?"

Johnny said, "Yes."

"Well, what did the principal say?"

"He said that every job is important in our economy, gave me an apple and asked for my phone number!"

[beary]

There were two brothers. One was very good and tried to always live right and be helpful.

His brother on the other hand was bad and did all the things that men should not do in life and didn't care who he hurt.

The bad brother died. He was still missed by his brother since he loved him despite his ways.

Finally, years later, the good brother died and went to Heaven. Everything was beautiful and wonderful there, and he was very happy.

One day he asked God where his brother was, as he hadn't seen him there.

God said that he was sorry but his brother lived a terrible life and went to Hell instead.

The good brother then asked God if there was any way for him to see his brother.

So God gave him the power of vision to see into Hell and there was his brother.

He was sitting on a bench with a keg of beer under one arm and a gorgeous blonde on the other.

Confused, the good brother said to God, "I am so happy that you let me into Heaven with you.

It is so beautiful here and I love it. But I don't understand - if my brother was bad enough to go to Hell, why does he have the keg of beer and a gorgeous blonde? It hardly seems like a punishment".

God said unto him, "Things are not always as they seem, my son.

The keg has a hole in it; the blonde does not."

[beary]

Redneck Sayings


1. "Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit."

2. "It’s been hotter’n a goat’s butt in a pepper patch."

3. "He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down."

4. "Have a cup of coffee, it’s already been ‘saucered and blowed.’"

5. "She’s so stuck up, she’d drown in a rainstorm."

6. "It’s so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs."

7. "My cow died last night so I don’t need your bull."

8. "Don’t pee down my back and tell me it’s raining."

9. "He’s as country as cornflakes."

10. "This is gooder’n grits."

[beary]

Steve Davis, the world champion snooker player, got married and it was the first night of his honeymoon. His beautiful wife lay spread across the bed wearing only a scanty silken black nightdress.

Presently Steve came out of the bathroom totally naked with a long stiff erection and walked slowly to the foot of the bed. He didn't utter a sound but simply stood there looking at her and chalking the end of his erect penis.

This went on for over ten minutes, the only movement being the slow rhythmic chalking of the tip of his penis and the movement of his head from side to side as he stared at her lying on the bed. Eventually, moist with excitement and shaking with anticipation she tore off her night dress and slowly spread her legs wide open waiting for him to take her.

Steve simply raised his eyebrows, cocked his head to the side and continued to slowly stroke the soft chalk across the glistening, throbbing penis as he stared intensely at the pleasures he saw between her outspread legs. It was too much for her to stand, writhing in an agony of expectation and frustration she screamed out, "For God's sake what are you waiting for?"

Steve gently stroked the chalk across his throbbing penis, blew the loose chalk off its end, smiled and looking even more closely between her smooth thighs quietly told her, "I'm trying to decide whether to go for the tight brown or the easy pink."