My crazy lifestyle & the price I paid for it

[kristin18]

Amidst all the random PMs I've got asking me to club together, or to meet up for some fun, I have received PMs from some readers who have left me some really nice messages. Although I don't reply much, I do read them, so thank you for the endless encouragement =)

Before I continue with the story of what happened during the surgery, I just thought I'd share what's been happening lately.

K reappeared all of a sudden. Out of the blue, he liked one of my photos on Facebook. & it was the photo of me taken with a few kids (none of them my own, of course). Ever since we became friends on Facebook, there was never any interactions between us, except when I tagged him in a few party photos we took at the clubs. So I was obviously shocked when I saw that notification, but thought nothing of it anyway.

Then this morning, I woke up to a Facebook message from K. He requested for me to remove a photo on Facebook. That was a photo taken sometime back, when we were still close, before this whole shit happened, with just both of us in the picture (quite close actually). Many of his friends left comments like "you and your girlfriend look so cute in this photo". We ignored all the comments back then of course because we weren't even a couple.

But this morning he sent me a message saying that there was something about this photo that made him feel sort of uncomfortable deep in his heart, & asked if I could do him a favour by removing it.

I contemplated replying him with a "why should I?" or maybe something more spiteful like "so what if you feel uncomfortable? I don't care"....... Many different possible replies ran through my mind. I even wanted to update my status with something like "why should I care about how you feel about my photo(s) when you never ever cared about how I felt? & why should I listen to you or help/do you a favour when you want me to?" I was so, so angry. I couldn't concentrate on work at all. I thought about it for a long time, & ultimately decided to just ignore the message completely. There was no need to reply him, I figured.

But what happened this morning kind of dampened my spirits a little. Don't know why, & don't know how best to explain how I'm feeling either....... Just haven't been feeling too good ever since receiving his message this morning. Maybe it's just the anger that's making me feel moody........

[demonorc]

Look into the Future.. Dun Look back... We learn from the past and dwell into the past.

[BernardFrosty]

Dun fret over it...he isn't worth a sec of your emotion.

And if you really must reply. Just send him the same sad face that he sent you when you first told him abt your pregnancy.

[LovePotion]

look at the front... dont think back... the sun still rises.. the world wont stop turning just becos of us

[ColdBlood99]

hope you can walk out of the nightmare, i believe there will be someone in your life to lift you up when you are down.

take care

[unholymonk]

Hope you will be better

[kristin18]

Continuing my story on the day of the surgery...........

Forty minutes later, the nurse finally came upstairs. She looked at all five of us before pointing to me, telling me "okay, you'll go first." I don't know if that was a good or bad thing, but I guess in a way it was good because I didn't need to wait anymore. The wait was really agonizing.

She led me to the surgery room. I didn't even need to take off my skirt, she just asked me to remove my underwear & lie down. My legs were spread open, & were resting on two "raised arms" (I don't know how to describe it). The nurse held down one of my legs, & the other one was tied to the "arm", probably to prevent me from moving/fidgeting & hence affecting the surgery.

This was when the fear really started to kick in. This was when I really wished I was on GA instead. It felt exactly like a scene from a drama serial, except that this was ten times more real. The doctor came in & got the surgical instruments ready. I stole a glance at the surgical instruments & I nearly fainted. Took many deep breaths & told myself to stay strong while I felt the touch of a cold metal surface at my vagina. I shivered a little. The nurse asked me to relax.

I suddenly felt a tug at my vagina. The doctor explained that he was just cleaning up my vagina, which meant that the actual procedure hadn't started yet. But I was already starting to feel slightly uncomfortable. A couple of minutes later, I felt a sharp pain -- this was the LA jab. Then the procedure started. There was something inserted in my vagina, but I didn't know what it was. Though my vision was not blocked, I could not bring myself to see anything. I closed my eyes throughout. The nurse reassured me that this whole thing would be over in five minutes.

A machine was turned on. This machine sounded exactly like that of a vacuum cleaner. No, it sounded scarier than that. & this machine was what was sucking my baby out of me. Up till today, I cannot forget how it sounded like. I felt my womb contract. I felt the most painful cramps any girl could ever go through. This wasn't menses cramps, this was nowhere near the pain of menses cramps. It was so painful that I couldn't even cry; I couldn't even make any noise. I can only remember repeating to myself "relax, take deep breaths, relax, take deep breaths". But nothing helped. By then I was shivering very badly. My whole body was quivering, I could hardly stay still & the nurse had to hold my legs down. Thinking I was cold, she got me something to cover myself with. But I wasn't cold. I was scared, & I was in so much pain.

"We're halfway there...... 50% done.......", said the doctor. I nearly passed out from the pain. It felt as if my uterus was being pulled at, tugged at, & squeezed very, very tightly.

"75% done.......", said the doctor. I wanted to reply him, but I couldn't. I couldn't form any words. I opened my mouth but nothing came out of it. I could only groan in pain. My breathing became uneven. I felt as if I wasn't in control of my own body anymore because it was reacting to the pain, & even though I kept trying to take steady, deep breaths, my body just wouldn't listen to me.

"90% done....... Just clearing the last bit & making sure that it is really empty.....", said the doctor. The pain increased in intensity. I felt like I was gonna die. After what seemed like eternity, the machine was turned off. I felt the surgical instrument leave my vagina. The nurse put on a pad which seemed somewhat like a diaper for me & helped me up. I was giddy, in a daze, & very weak. Out of the corner of my eye I saw the surgical instruments used & the contents of the dustbin. Very bloody. Very disturbing.

I forced my eyes away. Slowly put on my underwear. The nurse instructed me to rest in the recovery room & only make my way downstairs when I was feeling better. I staggered into the recovery room & collapsed on the bed, letting out soft groans of pain. I curled up onto the bed. The cramps were really bad. I couldn't even cry, as much as I wanted to. The other girls stared at me. I wanted to tell them that they made the right choice by going under GA. That was truly the longest five minutes of my life, ever.

I tossed & turned in pain for the next fifteen minutes before making my way downstairs, where I collapsed onto H. She asked me how was it, & I could only reply with one word: "pain". I guess at that point I should have been relieved that it was all finally over & my life could finally go back to normal, but even though the foetus was no longer inside me, there was still a dull ache in my heart that hadn't gone away........

[royalblood]

sad to hear your story sis. but nonetheless it's a good story. hope to read future updates on a happier note.

[saint_1979]

Hi Kristin,

I am very sad that you have chose this path.
Nothing that I could say now could change the history.

I believe time would heal your wound but you must not forget that moment.
Treasure yourself from today onwards.
Work hard to seek higher your education to get better job.
And meet a better bf that is worthy of you.

Should you have a steady bf and planning to settle down, do share the burden with him. Do not carry this gulit on your own.
In this way, your baby would be always been remembered and be loved by you and your loved ones.

Pray for your child's forgiven and treasure yourself in honouring your child.

Take good care of yourself.

[chrisong7878]

Your posting is more interesting than all the FRs I read here. Looking forward to read more

[jnudes]

Originally Posted by kristin18

K reappeared all of a sudden. Out of the blue, he liked one of my photos on Facebook. & it was the photo of me taken with a few kids (none of them my own, of course). Ever since we became friends on Facebook, there was never any interactions between us, except when I tagged him in a few party photos we took at the clubs. So I was obviously shocked when I saw that notification, but thought nothing of it anyway.

I closed my FB account since April 2010 and until today I did not make any presence of myself in this site. No regret till today. Even though I maybe friendless in my daily life I don't complain. The only thing that I know is now friends eat friends. Not all but most.

Originally Posted by kristin18

"90% done....... Just clearing the last bit & making sure that it is really empty.....", said the doctor. The pain increased in intensity. I felt like I was gonna die. After what seemed like eternity, the machine was turned off. I felt the surgical instrument leave my vagina. The nurse put on a pad which seemed somewhat like a diaper for me & helped me up. I was giddy, in a daze, & very weak. Out of the corner of my eye I saw the surgical instruments used & the contents of the dustbin. Very bloody. Very disturbing.

I don’t know what your religion is. I have seen some Thai movies about aborted babies coming back to haunt their natural blood mothers. Sorry I dun mean to scare you but if you believe in karma you should consult some priest or monk on ways to cleanse your abortion sin. This is what I would do if I am you. And this is just a humble opinion from me.

Originally Posted by kristin18

That was when I knew that they were just fair weather friends -- nothing more. When they needed money for their own leisure & entertainment, I did not hesitate in transferring the money to them. Even though it was only $100 to them, to me it was considered a lot. But I took them as true friends. & now that I needed money urgently, they could not even be bothered. That added to my misery. I cried every night alone in my bedroom. Although H & E said that they would be there for me throughout this ordeal, I knew that I was actually all alone in this. Although they said they would help me in any possible way they could, I knew those were words said just to reassure me.

There are many terms I would use; spare tyre, friends for benefits, selfish, useless, taking advantage, individualistic, etc. I had been there in your situation but my case was different. Unfortunately best friends can’t be really depended upon during your times in need, especially emergency and money related case. If you request there always will be excuses, and endless excuses. The worst is when they totally abandon and ignore you. That’s why I never bothered to have best friends after this. With or without friends are the same with me. And just because one has hundreds of friends in FB it does not mean all of them are real, genuine friends. There are cases where there are young adults getting suicide for real and even their FB friends could not save their lives. Well, that’s what Facebook friends are for, I think. Thank God you still alive today.

Originally Posted by kristin18

I tossed & turned in pain for the next fifteen minutes before making my way downstairs, where I collapsed onto H. She asked me how was it, & I could only reply with one word: "pain". I guess at that point I should have been relieved that it was all finally over & my life could finally go back to normal, but even though the foetus was no longer inside me, there was still a dull ache in my heart that hadn't gone away........

It will take some times to heal. I had been there as I had attempted suicide after broken up with my ex. If the doctor had not saved me I would have died already. Although as a guy I don’t fully understand how a pregnant lady feels, what I do know is this event may probably traumatize you for the rest of your life. Don’t you worry, you will recover someday. I am sure after this there are better things than partying and drinking? Why not get involved with new things like travelling, doing sports, yoga, cooking, etc? Good luck with your new choice and selection.

[<<totally>>]

No amount of words can make you feel better and helped you in anyway I guessed. I experienced something different but having pain as the common point. This pain came from mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. Waiting for death seem to be the only thing that I actually hoped for everyday the moment I opened my eyes.

Somehow I managed to pull myself up and continued life. I kept those memories to remind me that I was once weak and foolish. I have realized that the only way to improve life is by staying alive. As long as I get to breath, I will retaliate whenever possible.

Do you think it will be better to keep those who have hurt you as far away as possible? If you are able to write it out, I believed that you have already got into recovery mode. Stay away from those who caused hurt as they will hinder your progress and never locked yourself away from those who cared for you.

Love is the better medicine for all wounds.

[PPGirl]

Originally Posted by <<totally>>

Love is the better medicine for all wounds.

*hugz* *hugz*

[onlyhuman]

I grimaced at the abortion procedure...you described...
You are a strong girl!

[MdmVodka]

Comforting words wouldnt be able to help but I hope a hug will make you feel better

*hugs*

And to those who add salt into her wound, dont farking tell me that you have never made a mistake. Shes brave enough to go through it. Just keep your comments to yourself