Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[dyelook]

laughter bumps...

[Hurricane88]

*Why Women Need a Husband?*
A Woman goes to a Psychiatrist and complains: “I don't want to marry. I am educated, independent, and self-sufficient. I don't need a husband. But my parents are asking me to marry. What do I do?”

The psychiatrist replied: “YOU, undoubtedly will achieve great things in life. But somethings inevitably will not go the way you want. Somethings will go wrong. Sometimes you will fail. Sometimes your plans won't work. Sometimes your wishes will not be fulfilled. Then who will you blame?
Will you blame Yourself?”

Woman: “NO!!!”

Psychiatrist: “Yes... That's why you need a husband “🤣😂

[SBMEDSUP]

Originally Posted by Hurricane88

*Why Women Need a Husband?*
A Woman goes to a Psychiatrist and complains: “I don't want to marry. I am educated, independent, and self-sufficient. I don't need a husband. But my parents are asking me to marry. What do I do?”

The psychiatrist replied: “YOU, undoubtedly will achieve great things in life. But somethings inevitably will not go the way you want. Somethings will go wrong. Sometimes you will fail. Sometimes your plans won't work. Sometimes your wishes will not be fulfilled. Then who will you blame?
Will you blame Yourself?”
Woman: “NO!!!”

Psychiatrist: “Yes... That's why you need a husband “🤣😂

Nice joke bro H88.

[ligasantander]

Originally Posted by ilovelife.now

An angry wife says to her husband " I should've married a devil ! That would've made a better husband than you!"

The husband calmly says "marriage between mom and daughter is illegal."

Simple but nice funny joke.

[cupid xpress]

Someone forward to me

[wymore]

Originally Posted by cupid xpress

Someone forward to me

Thank you for the effort to share so nice joke.

Hope can share more.

[nissanmotor]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

Great Bar!


Frank was getting ready to go on a trip to New York for the first time, and was talking to his friend Bill.

Bill: “While you are in New York, there is a bar that you have to go to. When you walk through the front door, you are handed a free drink. Then you can go to the back room and getlaid. Come back up to the bar, and you get another free drink. Then you can get laid again. It goes on like this all night.”

Frank: “That sounds unbelievable. Have you really been there?”

Bill: “No, but my sister has.”

Thank you bro bird - sharing nice joke. Hope you can share more.

[MBSJaneMaccane]

Originally Posted by cupid xpress

Someone forward to me

Nice share bro, hope to read more.

[LeNinjaMatic]

Originally Posted by Hurricane88

*Why Women Need a Husband?*
A Woman goes to a Psychiatrist and complains: “I don't want to marry. I am educated, independent, and self-sufficient. I don't need a husband. But my parents are asking me to marry. What do I do?”

The psychiatrist replied: “YOU, undoubtedly will achieve great things in life. But somethings inevitably will not go the way you want. Somethings will go wrong. Sometimes you will fail. Sometimes your plans won't work. Sometimes your wishes will not be fulfilled. Then who will you blame?
Will you blame Yourself?”

Woman: “NO!!!”

Psychiatrist: “Yes... That's why you need a husband “🤣😂

Nice share bro, thanks!

[megagerian]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

Little Italian Boy


A long time ago there was this little Italian boy in the fields with his dad. Looking at his dad's hands, the boy say's, "Papa, you do many things with your hands, tell me about your fingers."

"Well, Tony," Papa said, "You see this first finger? You usea thisa one to point ata what evea you wanta. You see youa thumb? You usea thisa for turna pages in a book, and your ringa finger, you will use whena you get a married, and your little finga, you use to picka you nose. And the middle finga, well, I'lla tella you about thata one when you getta married."

Well, Tony was satisfied with that and time past.

It was now Tony's wedding day. It was a beautiful wedding, just before the bride and groom left, Tony went to have a talk with Papa.

Tony said, "Papa, many a year I use this finger to point at what I want, and I turna many a pages with my thumb, I've picked my nose with this little one, now I have a beautiful ring on my finger from the love of my life, but Papa, what is it I do with this middle finger?"

Papa drew close to Tony and said, "Tony tonight you will make mad hot love to your woman many times and you may become tired, when that happens and your woman turns to you again wanting to makea the love againa, that's when you takea your middle finga and you poka on her head and say, 'Go back to sleep you silly woman!' "

Hahaha nice joke bro bigbirdbird!

[falleini]

Originally Posted by Hurricane88

A woman is flying on a 747 to US. After they get up in the air the loudspeaker comes on: “This is your Captain Ramaya Kirti. We are cruising at 35,000 feet etc etc...”

When the announcement is finished a woman passenger beckons to a stewardess and asks: ”Is it really true that this great big airplane is being flown by a woman?”

Stewardess: ”Yes, Captain Ramaya Kirti is a woman.”

Woman: “How wonderful I am so excited! Do you think you can arrange for me to go up to the cockpit to congratulate her?”

Stewardess: “Yes, I think I can arrange that. You might also like to know that the co-pilot is also a woman.”

Woman: “Oh, how exciting. This is wonderful news! Please let me go to the cockpit so I can congratulate them both!”

Stewardess: Ok, you can do that. You might like to know that actually the entire crew of this plane are women.

Woman: “That is the most exciting thing I have heard in a long time, this has really made my day. I just have to go to the cockpit to express my admiration!”

Stewardess: “One more thing you might like to know, we don't call it the cockpit any more.”

🤣🤣🤣🤣

Hahahaha nice

[bigbirdbird]

Little Johnny and two of his friends were sitting on a front porch one day after school.

Billy looked down the street and saw a bright red Corvette.

"Some day I'm gonna be a lawyer so I can buy me one of those Corvettes," he said.

Robbie looked over at the driveway next to the Corvette and saw a brand new Ferrari.

"I'm gonna be a doctor," he said, "so I can get me a fast Ferrari."

Little Johnny looked over at the other two and replied, "I'm gonna learn how to suck dick when I grow up."

The other two jaws dropped.

"That's what my sister does, and she owns both of those cars," explained Little Johnny.

[bigbirdbird]

A man goes to a fancy dress party wearing only a glass jar on his penis.

Woman asks, 'What are you?'

He says, 'I'm a Fireman'

'But you're only wearing a glass jar?', says the woman.

'Exactly! In an emergency, break glass, pull knob and I'll come as fast as I can!'

[bigbirdbird]

THE MAN CODE

So it has been written, so it shall be ...The CODE

1. Thou shall NEVER rent the movie, "Chocolate".

2. Under no circumstances may 2 men share an umbrella.

3. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.

4. When you are queried by a mate's wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not, and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.

5. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a mate out of jail within 12 hours.

6. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call BULLSHIT. (Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 4000 percent).

7. If you've known a bloke for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever.

8. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another bloke who's running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 screwable babe scale.

9. Complaining about the brand of free beer in a mate's refrigerator is forbidden. You may whinge only if the temperature is unsuitable.

10. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering a mate's birthday is strictly optional and probably shows you are a poofter.

11. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe that your mate is trying to crack on to is your legal duty. Should you lose all sense of perspective and get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your mate is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.

12. Before dating a mate's "ex", you are required to ask his permission and he in return is required to grant it.

13. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate a deep knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean and down a six-pack.

14. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem - you didn't see nothin'.

15. The universal compensation for mates who help you move is beer, and more beer.

16. A man must never own a cat, or like his girlfriend's cat.

17. When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sports event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

18. When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whingey friend up with your mate, you may give her the go-ahead only if you'll be able to warn your mate and give him time to prepare excuses about joining the priesthood or shipping out to the Antarctic or Alaska.

19. It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless babe with huge bazookas ... and it's free.

20. Unless you're in prison, you never, never fight naked.

21. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must ALWAYS remain sober enough to fight.

22. If a mate is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, "What this bloke needs is a bloody good boot up the arse!", then you may sit back and enjoy.

23. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while weight lifting:
"Yeah, baby, push it!"
"C'mon, give me one more! Harder!"
"Another set and we can hit the showers."
"Nice arse. Are you a Sagittarius?"

24. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last party pie, but NEVER both. That's just plain shitbag mean.

25. If you compliment a bloke on his six-pack, for your sake, you better be referring to his beer.

26. Never join your girlfriend/wife in heaping shit on a mate, except when she's withholding sex depending on your response.

27. Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you're on equal footing: either both urinating or both waiting in line. In all other situations, a nod is all the conversation you need.

28. If a mate is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not join him ... much too poofy!

29. Never spew in a mate's car after a big gutful of beer. Always make the effort to throw out the window.

30. A mate's missus is totally off-limits for screwing, unless he invites you to screw her, and he joins you and watches.

[bigbirdbird]

The Internet is like a penis

It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up, but it makes it hard to get any real work done.

In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information considered vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time.

It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own devices, it will just do the same damn dumb things it did before.

It provides a way to interact with other people. Some people take this interaction very seriously, others treat it as a lark. Sometimes it's hard to tell what kind of person you're dealing with until it's too late.

If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread viruses.

It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.

We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.

If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big trouble.

It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your intentions, it will warp your behavior. Later you may ask yourself "why on earth did I do that?"

Some folks have it, some don't.

Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off. They think that those who don't have it are somehow inferior. They think it gives them power. They are wrong.

Those who don't have it may agree that it's a nifty toy, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who do have it make about it. Still, many of those who don't have it would like to try it.

Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop. Some people would just play with it all day if they didn't have work to do.