My crazy lifestyle & the price I paid for it

[Xia406]

I'm sorry to hear that kristin18, but whoever this K fellow is.. he is not a man. And since he is a friend of A, I suppose he is in his 30s too?

[sam30sg]

Sad to know what happen to you TS, be strong and maybe an abortion is a better choice for you then. Being an unwed mother is very tough emotionally and financially. Be strong TS

[micmac888]

Originally Posted by kristin18

(doctor) replied ... "sorry, this is the earliest available appointment I can give you, full already." (3 weeks wait)

God have mercy on these people's souls.... its a lifelong feeling of permanent guilt - no matter moving on or not. sigh......

TS - I do not feel compassion or disdain for you. Be a better person and contribute to social charities / orphanages. Your telling this story will not help people (people are like chickens in a coop). But I hope you feel better after pouring out your guilt here via the story. Seek counseling.

[kristin18]

Originally Posted by swingersx2

A person of your calibre easily earns at least $5k per month. It is difficult to believe that someone earning $800 per month can possibly write and express himself or herself so well.

I like writing. I like expressing myself through words. I think I write fairly well. But I didn't study when I had the opportunity to. I gave up the chance to study because I just didn't want to. So I don't even have a diploma or a degree. I am stuck working in a stingy relative's company who thinks that since we are family, I should not be calculative about money matters so I am paid by the hour, with no CPF or medisave contribution.

Originally Posted by Xia406

I'm sorry to hear that kristin18, but whoever this K fellow is.. he is not a man. And since he is a friend of A, I suppose he is in his 30s too?

Yes, he is in his 30s too.

[weekendgo]

Originally Posted by kristin18

I like writing. I like expressing myself through words. I think I write fairly well. But I didn't study when I had the opportunity to. I gave up the chance to study because I just didn't want to. So I don't even have a diploma or a degree. I am stuck working in a stingy relative's company who thinks that since we are family, I should not be calculative about money matters so I am paid by the hour, with no CPF or medisave

I hire family members too. But I discuss their wages openly and do not take advantage of them. I think mayhaps you might want to discuss with your relative? With your language capabilities, you can really find better employment elsewhere, unless you are forced to continue by your current situation?

Even if you are paid for by the hour, they are still supposed to contribute to your CPF and medisave.

[bus72]

So what happened to you & K after that?

[Beemers]

Sorry to hear that... At least you are given a choice...For mine, i got my gf (Currently my wife) preggy yrs back when we were only 4 months into our relationship and back then she was determine to abort our child as she feels that we are too early and fast into getting marriage life...We have been married for more than 5 yrs now and we have challenges conceiving a child...Sob...SOb... Be strong gal. I always feel this one thing in mind that is whatever its meant to be yrs, it will be. If its not meant to, You wont not have happiness even if you hold on to it.

[kristin18]

The days that followed were both a mental & physical torture. As I entered my ninth week of pregnancy, the morning sickness just got worse. I took my medicine on time, but it was of no use at all. I was tired very easily & would often head to bed early, though I would be left tossing & turning as sleep did not come easy for me. It didn't help that my parents were growing more suspicious by day, questioning why I had become such a homely person when it was not like me at all. I cited the excuse that I was unwell, but how long could I be unwell for? How long more could I lie to them?

There was once the morning sickness got so bad that I nearly passed out. Randomly, suddenly, my world just started spinning & my vision started to blur. I was perspiring cold sweat & my whole body felt weak. Within the next few seconds I dashed to the nearest staircase lobby to sit down. I felt so fucking awful. I thought of all ways to make myself have a miscarriage. I even hoped that I would suddenly find myself bleeding but that didn't happen.

I was also an emotional wreck. For no rhyme or reason, I'd text H & E telling them about how fucked up this felt, how none of them would understand how I feel, how desperate I am to just head to a private clinic & get the abortion done asap. They didn't bother to comfort me much, but then again, what did I expect? They weren't obliged to, anyway. They asked me, since I wanted so badly for the abortion to be done quickly, why don't I just head to a private clinic instead of whining about it. I told them, because I don't fucking have the money to do the abortion privately, but I was so desperate at that moment that I would do anything for money so that I can get this over & done with asap.

H & E are not rich, but they are both financially stable & hold jobs that are quite well-paying. They are able to spend at least 3-4k a month on leisure & entertainment. I didn't know how to open my mouth to ask them for a loan, so I hinted to them that the private surgery would cost around less than 1k. I didn't have that kind of cash, of course. They kept quiet. I told them that I was just this close to borrowing from loansharks already. It was not something I wanted but I had no choice. They asked me why couldn't I wait out till three weeks later to have the abortion at the government hospital.

I was going crazy. Why couldn't they understand where I was coming from? Why couldn't they understand how painful this was for me & how waiting would be cruelly torturous to me? Why couldn't they just spare me a few hundreds? I would be eternally grateful if they were both able to just lend me $200 or even $100. But they weren't willing. Instead, they chose to keep quiet when I complained to them. They insisted that I should wait for my appointment with the government hospital.

That was when I knew that they were just fair weather friends -- nothing more. When they needed money for their own leisure & entertainment, I did not hesitate in transferring the money to them. Even though it was only $100 to them, to me it was considered a lot. But I took them as true friends. & now that I needed money urgently, they could not even be bothered. That added to my misery. I cried every night alone in my bedroom. Although H & E said that they would be there for me throughout this ordeal, I knew that I was actually all alone in this. Although they said they would help me in any possible way they could, I knew those were words said just to reassure me.

I lay in bed every night, thinking of how to raise the money. I don't know if this is possible or if it was just a mere hallucination, but every night when I put my hand to my tummy, I would feel my baby's heartbeat. I felt two hearts beating simultaneously, which was why I was positive that one was mine, & the other, my baby's. I still spoke to my baby every night. I wondered how he/she would turn out to be like. I imagined having he/she with me, going through the rest of my life with me. I liked the thought of that, but it just wasn't possible & I knew it. I realized that there was now a deeper connection between me & the little thing growing inside me, because of the daily one-sided conversations I was having with him/her. & that pained me even more because I knew that soon I was gonna take away this little life. I was gonna kill my own baby.

[kristin18]

Up till today, I don't know how I managed to go through the seven days after my last appointment at the government hospital. To be frank, it was the longest seven days of my life. Thankfully, that week was also my payday, but I only had $8xx to spare. I started to research online for an abortion with a private clinic which would cost me less than $800.

There were hardly any clinics that did an abortion for that kind of price. Most allowed partial payment via medisave, & even though my sister had kindly given her permission for me to use her medisave, the clinics informed me that I could only use either my parents' or husband's medisave. So that wasn't a considerable option for me.

I found a clinic which stated that an abortion below nine weeks would cost $450, all-inclusive. I contacted the clinic, but they had already revised their price to $550 for a pregnancy under nine weeks, all-inclusive. A pregnancy at nine weeks would cost $650, at ten weeks it would be $750, & so on. So I made an appointment at that clinic. They ensured that they would be able to carry out the surgery on the same day as the abortion. I was relieved.

So one week after my appointment at the government hospital, I finally went through with the abortion surgery.

[LovePotion]

u have all our support.. jia you

[francined69]

sorry to hear about your ordeal. hope you are better now.

[84gunner]

Originally Posted by kristin18

That was when I knew that they were just fair weather friends -- nothing more. When they needed money for their own leisure & entertainment, I did not hesitate in transferring the money to them. Even though it was only $100 to them, to me it was considered a lot. But I took them as true friends. & now that I needed money urgently, they could not even be bothered. That added to my misery. I cried every night alone in my bedroom. Although H & E said that they would be there for me throughout this ordeal, I knew that I was actually all alone in this. Although they said they would help me in any possible way they could, I knew those were words said just to reassure me.

I find that those with higher education & earning higher salaries tend to be more selfish & avoid u when u are in trouble. It's those with lesser education that not only understands the difficulties of other people, they tend to be more willing & ready to help. But then, we can't generalise everyone.

I had this experience, when I was in deep shit, those so-called buddies avoided me. It's already a blessing they avoid me & didn't do further harm, cos I even had "friends" who played me out, spoiling some arrangements that led to more inconveniences which I had to handle & worsening my situation as a result.

Instead, it was those brudders who don't have much education, working in the F & B industry, some even have criminal records & been to jail before, offered help voluntarily. Money, they don't have, but they have networks, they even roped in their family (father, uncles), and they are also willing to risk their life to help me! That time, they don't expect anything in return for the help, and they also know I don't have anything to repay them.

Be brave gal, where there's a Will, there'll be a Way. I strongly believe everything is Fated. An important point is try to remain as calm as possible, no matter the situation. I know it's easier said then done. But that's from personal experience. When u are calm, u tend to have higher tendencies to make better judgement & think of better solutions.

[BMW69]

I agree that those without education, been in gangs been to jails. Those are the people who will go out of their way to help you as much as possible. I really admire them for they are always there for their "brothers". But some educated people are helpful too. They're not all bad...

[kristin18]

Sorry for the late update. I was hesitant to post this update because it meant that I had to recall the memories & it still hurt, a little, today. But it's not right for me to keep you guys hanging as well. So here it goes.

--

I reached the private clinic at 9:00am even though my appointment was at 9:30am. I hadn't had anything to eat for the whole morning because I was told to fast. I wasn't feeling hungry, but I was thirsty for sure. I loitered outside the clinic for awhile, & at 9:15am, I entered the clinic.

There were three or four middle-aged women behind the reception counter. One of them asked me what I was here for, & I responded that I had an appointment that morning at 9:30am. They immediately knew I was here for an abortion. They explained the procedure to me, explained the cost to me, took my blood pressure & weight, then passed me two medicines -- one was panadol for the pain relief, the other was an antibiotic. After all of that, I was asked to wait because the doctor wasn't in yet.

There was another Malay girl in the clinic as well. I deduced that she was also here for an abortion based on the conversation she had with the nurse/receptionist. A few others came into the clinic after me. I was surprised that there were, in total, five ladies who were there for an abortion. One was a China lady, one was an ah lian, one was a minah, one was me & the other was the Malay lady. The difference between me & them? They all had someone there to accompany them. I was alone. I texted H, who was still sleeping. She'd initially agreed to be with me on this day but I guess she'd overslept. Well, she wasn't obliged to accompany me anyway, so I decided to just gather all the courage I had to face this alone.

It was a long wait for the doctor. I was nervous, hungry, thirsty & cranky. I waited four hours for the doctor because he was caught up at the hospital. By the time it was my turn, H had already arrived (she forgot about the appointment & overslept but managed to be there in time because the clinic was near her place). The consultation with the doctor was a fast one. He asked some standard questions, then proceeded to do a quick ultrasound scan to confirm that I was indeed nine weeks pregnant. I saw my foetus for the second time. My heart broke a little inside. This time, when the doctor asked me if I wanted a photo of the ultrasound scan, I was quick to say no.

The doctor explained to me how the abortion would be carried out before I left his room. The nurses outside passed me two painkillers to take & asked me if I was going to go for local anaesthesia or general anaesthesia. General meant that I would be asleep throughout the whole procedure; local meant that I would be awake & conscious but I will be given a jab down under to make sure I don't feel pain. I asked the nurse whether being on local would be painful. She said the entire procedure would just feel like menses cramps, but I knew she was just trying to convince me that it wouldn't be painful. The nurse told me that if I were to go on GA, I would have to rest/sleep in the clinic for a good four hours or so before I could be well enough to go home. H told me she didn't want to wait so long for me. She asked me to go on LA instead.

H: "(to the nurse) Okay lah she will go on LA lah, no need to ask anymore. (to me) Quickly go up & get it done lah."

With nothing left to say, I made my way upstairs where the surgery would take place.

It was quite dark upstairs. There were two rooms -- one was the surgery room which looked somewhat like a dentist's room. The other was the "recovery room" where patients were to rest after the surgery before going home. The rest of the girls were already in the recovery room waiting. I chose a bed to lie down on while waiting for the doctor. This was the longest wait of my life. I shivered a little, unsure of what to expect. The rest of them looked calm as hell. Only the China girl looked as uneasy as I felt. (I learnt earlier that they were both China students & could not afford to get pregnant, hence an abortion was necessary)

I waited for half an hour. While the rest of the girls brought their phones up to use while waiting, I didn't know that we were allowed to so I left all my belongings downstairs with H. For the last time, I spoke to my baby. I put my hand to my tummy. "Baby, I know this is probably the worst decision I could ever make. Mummy knows that no matter how many times I apologise, it is not going to be enough. But that is all I can offer you as Mummy is not ready to keep you right now. Sorry baby........ Mummy is really sorry........."

My heart ached. I really just wanted to get this over & done with as soon as possible. The wait was killing me.

[rock hard]

hi Kristin,

sad story u have. I feel the pain, sob sob....

I swear, after reading your last post where u were talking to yr baby, it really felt sour n sore.

hope u get on well now. take good care.