Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[SBMEDSUP]

Originally Posted by StrongBrew

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours."
The guy left.
A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours."
The guy left.

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half."
The guy left.

The barber turned to his friend and said, "Hey, Bob, do me a favor, follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back."
A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asked, "So, where does he go when he leaves?"
Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, "Your house!"

Thanks for sharing a good laugh.

[fanxiaoxia]

Originally Posted by Hurricane88

😀😛😜😂😂😂😂

The Professor stood straight up pointing his finger towards the Student and said "You are a Damn Genius" 😂😂😂

Good joke here, thanks very much!

[bosseenee]

Originally Posted by Hurricane88

Monday laughter....

Wahahahaa very nice joke bro, thanks!!

[wombu]

Originally Posted by StrongBrew

One day little Johnny was digging a hole in his back yard.
The next-door neighbor spotted him and decided to investigate.
"Hello Johnny, what are you up to?" he asked.
"My goldfish died and I'm gonna bury him," Johnny replied.
"That's a really big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" asked the neighbor.
"That's because he's inside your cat!"

Very nice share …. little Johnny again!!

[MouParkVan]

Originally Posted by StrongBrew

Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man in white and stuck a knife at his ribs.
"Give me your money," he demanded.
Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can’t do this – I’m a minister in the government!"
"In that case," replied the robber, "Give me MY money!"

Nice share bro hehe

[StrongBrew]

A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes.
He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."
The man says, "Sorry officer I can't do that.
I am an asthmatic.
If I do that I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."
"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac.
If I do that, I'll bleed to death."
"Well, then we need a urine sample."
"I'm sorry officer I can't do that either.
I am also a diabetic.
If I do that I'll get really low blood sugar."
"Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm too drunk to do that."

[StrongBrew]

A lady walks into a fancy jewellery store.
She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it.
As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.
As she turns around, a salesman was standing right behind her.
Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, "Good day, Madam How may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may not have been there at the time of her little "accident!" she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?"
He answers, "Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to shit when I tell you the price."

[StrongBrew]

A loving couple was celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary, privately, at home with a couple of bottles of champagne.
A bit tipsy and feeling very intimate the husband turns to his wife and asks, "Tell me truthfully, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"
"Well," she replied, "since you ask, to tell you the truth I have been unfaithful on three occasions."
"What? How could you?"
"Let me tell you about it," she said. "The first time was back when we were first married.
You needed open heart surgery and we didn't have the money, so I went to bed with the surgeon and got him to operate for free."
"Gee! That was noble of you. And, besides, I guess I should be grateful.
But, tell me, what about the second time?"
"Do you remember that you wanted the position of the GM, and they were going to pass you over for someone else? Well, I went to bed with the President and the Vice President and they gave you the job."
"Hell, I think I could have done it on my own.
But, then again, I guess I should be grateful.
And so, what about the third time?"
"Do you remember two years ago when you wanted to become President of the Baseball Team, and you were missing 103 votes...?"

[StrongBrew]

Two guys were out fishing on the lake when a hearse and funeral procession passed the boat on a nearby road. One of them stood up and held his fishing hat over his heart as the hearse passed. His buddy commented, "Gee, Harry, that was really nice and respectful!"
To which Harry replied, "Well, after all we were married for 40 years."

[StrongBrew]

John invited his mother over for dinner one evening.
During the meal, she couldn’t help but notice how attractive his roommate Judy was.
She had been suspicious of a relationship between her son and his roommate for quite some time, but this only made her more curious.
She watched the two of them interact over the course of the evening and began to wonder whether there was more between John and Judy than met the eye.
Realizing only too well what his mother was thinking, John said, "I can see your wheels turning Mom and I know what you’re thinking. Rest assured Judy and I are strictly roommates."
A few days later, Judy went to John and said, "You know the beautiful silver gravy ladle? Well, ever since your mother came to dinner I can’t seem to find it. You don’t think she would have taken it, do you?"
"I doubt it, but I’ll write her a letter just to be sure," replied John.

John then sat down and wrote his mother the following letter:
"Dear Mom,
While I’m not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I’m not saying you 'didn’t' take a gravy ladle, the fact remains that ever since you were here for dinner one has been missing.
Love, Your son."

Several days later, John received a reply from his mother which read:
"Dear John,
While I am not saying you 'do' sleep with Judy, and I’m not saying you 'don’t' sleep with her, the fact remains that she would have found the gravy ladle by now if she were sleeping in her own bed.
Love, Mom."

[bigbirdbird]

The trick to successful dating is learning how to interpret the hidden signs, those tiny give away gestures that can tell you so much about a person.

Train yourself to recognize these key "signs."

~ Man gets in car without opening door for woman. - No foreplay.

~ Can't hail a cab. - Impotent.

~ Insists on going to a brand new restaurant. - Prefers virgins.

~ Insists on going to a brand new restaurant, but gets lost on the way. - He is a virgin.

- Wants go to a French Restaurant. - Will swallow.

~ Takes too long deciding what to order. - Has trouble reaching orgasm.

~ Insists on ordering for you, referring to you as "The lady will have..." - Thinks you had an orgasm when you didn't.

~ Asks what the specials are. - Will want you to use handcuffs.

~ Fills up on bread and crackers. - Premature ejaculator.

~ Drinks decaf. - Fakes orgasms.

~ Asks for detailed descriptions of desserts. - Needs you to talk dirty during sex.

~ Credit card is refused. - Low sperm count.

~ Under tips waiter. - Small penis.

~ Uses toothpick. - Is trying to tell you size isn't everything

[bigbirdbird]

The Truth Behind Men's Phrases


"Haven't I seen you before?"
"Nice ass."


"I'm a Romantic."
"I'm poor."


"I need you."
"My hand is tired."


"I am different from all the other guys."
"I am not circumcised."


"I want a commitment."
"I'm sick of masturbation."


"You're the only girl I've ever cared about."
"You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me."


"I really want to get to know you better."
"So I can tell my friends about it."


"It's just orange juice, try it."
"Three more shots, and she'll have her legs around my head."


"She's kinda cute."
"I wouldn't kick her out of bed but a pillow over the head might be necessary."


"I don't know if I like her."
"She won't sleep with me."


"I miss you so much."
"I am so horny that my male roommate is starting to look good."


"Was it good for you?"
"I'm insecure about my manhood."


"How do I compare with all your other boyfriends?"
"Is my penis really that small?"


"I had a wonderful time last night."
"Who the hell are you?"


"Do you love me?"
"I've done something stupid and you might find out."


"Do you 'really' love me?"
"I've done something stupid and you're going to find out sooner or later."


"How much do you love me?"
"I've done something really stupid and someone's on their way to tell you by now."


"I have something to tell you."
"Get tested."


"I'll give you a call."
"I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again."


"I've been thinking a lot."
"You're not as attractive as when I was drunk."


"I think we should just be friends."
"You're ugly."


"I've learned a lot from you."
"Next!!!!"


"I'm on a long distance call, can you call me later?"
"I gotta turn on my answering machine."

[bigbirdbird]

The third-grade teacher was teaching English and repeated for her class:

"Mary had a little lamb,
whose fleece was white as snow
And everywhere that Mary went,
the lamb was sure to go."

She explained this was an example of poetry, but could be changed to prose by changing the last line from "the lamb was sure to go" to "the lamb went with her."

A few days later, she asked for an example of poetry or prose. Johnny raised his hand and said,

"Mary had a little pig --
An scrawny little runt.
He stuck his nose in Mary's Clothes
And smelled her little . . ."

He stopped, turned to the teacher, and asked, "Do you want poetry or prose?"

"Prose!" the teacher said weakly.

So Johnny said, " . . . Asshole."

[StrongBrew]

A young man goes into the Job Centre in Sydney, and sees an ad for a Gynaecologist's Assistant.
Interested, he goes to learn more.
"Can you give me some more details on this job?" he asks the clerk.
The clerk pulls up the file and says, "The job entails getting the women ready for the gynaecological consult. You have to help them out of their underwear, lay them down, and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready for the examination. There's an annual salary of $75,000, but you're going to have to go to Perth - other side of the country."
The man says "Oh is that where the job is?"
The clerk says "No sir. That's where the end of the line is right now."

[StrongBrew]

John and David were both patients in a Mental hospital.
One day, John suddenly dived into the deep end of the swimming pool.
David jumped in and saved him, and the medical director came to know of his heroic act.
He immediately order David to be discharged from the mental hospital as he is OK.

Doctor: "We have good news and bad news for you, David. The good news is that we are going to discharge you because you have regained your senses, since you are able to jump in and save another patient you are now a normal person. The bad news is that, the patient Mr. John, whom you have saved, hung himself in the toilet, and died."
David: "Doctor, he didn’t hang himself. I hung him there to dry."