Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[bigbirdbird]

[bigbirdbird]

[ciav]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

Sunday School Class


Little Janice was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me Janice, who created the universe?"

When Janice didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.

"God Almighty!" shouted Janice, and the teacher said, "Very good," and Janice fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked Janice, "Who is our Lord and Saviour."

But Janice didn't even stir from her slumber.

Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.

"Jesus Christ!" shouted Janice, and the teacher said, "Very good," and Janice fell back asleep.

Then the teacher asked Janice a third question: "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" and again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time

Janice jumped up and shouted, "If you stick me with that thing one more time, I'll break it in half and stick it up your ass!" ...


The teacher fainted!

Hahahaha nice one bro

[purplemole]

Originally Posted by Hurricane88

*This is where big data technology is taking us:*

*Me:* Hello! Is this Gordon's Pizza?

*Autobot:* No sir, it's Google's Pizza.

*Me:* Did I dial the wrong number?

*Autobot:* No sir, Google bought the pizza store.

*Me:* Oh, alright - then I’d like to place an order please.

*Autobot:* Okay sir, do you want the usual?

*Me:* The usual? You know what my usual is?

*Autobot:* According to the caller ID, the last 15 times you’ve ordered a 12-slice with double-cheese, sausage, and thick crust.

*Me:* Okay - that’s what I want this time too.

*Autobot:* May I suggest that this time you order an 8-slice with ricotta, arugula, and tomato instead?

*Me:* No, I hate vegetables.

*Autobot:* But your cholesterol is not good
.
*Me:* How do you know?

*Autobot:* Through the subscribers guide. We have the results of your blood tests for the last 7 years.

*Me:* Maybe so, but I don’t want the pizza you suggest – I already take medicine for high cholesterol.

*Autobot:* But you haven’t taken the medicine regularly. 4 months ago you purchased from Drugsale Network a box of only 30 tablets.

*Me:* I bought more from another drugstore.

*Autobot:* It's not showing on your credit card sir.

*Me:* I paid in cash.

*Autobot:* But according to your bank statement you did not withdraw that much cash.

*Me:* I have another source of cash.

*Autobot:* This is not showing on your last tax form, unless you got it from an undeclared income source.

*Me:* WHAT THE HELL? ENOUGH! I'm sick of Google, Facebook, Twitter, and WhatsApp. I'm going to an island without internet, where there’s no cellphone line, and no one to spy on me ...

*Autobot:* I understand sir, but you’ll need to renew your passport ... it expired 5 weeks ago.
😂😂😂😂😂

I hate talking to robots haha

[bigbirdbird]

Life's lessons

#1....
Before sex, you help each other get naked. After sex, you dress only yourself...
Moral: In life no one helps you, once you're fucked.


#2....
Success is like pregnancy. Everybody congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got fucked to achieve it.


#3....
What is the difference between frustration and satisfaction?
What the Fuck! and What a Fuck!


#4....
3 people having sex is a threesome, 2 is a twosome. So next time someone calls you 'HANDSOME', don't take it as a compliment!


#5....
Life is like a dick, sometimes it becomes hard for no reason.


#6....
Practical thought: A husband is supposed to make his wife's panties wet, not her eyes.
A wife is supposed to make her husband's dick hard, not his life.......

According To William Sexfear A Drunk Guy Is A Liability, But A Drunk Girl Is An Asset.

[bigbirdbird]

One Sunday our regular organist, an older man, had a bad case of the flu and asked his nephew, Bobby, to fill in for him. While Bobby was not as good as his uncle, he was still a passable musician. But what really got people's attention was that Bobby was a stunningly handsome man, and so ended up distracting many a young woman's mind from the hereafter to what was, so to speak, over here.

Well, needless to say, these women were disappointed when the regular organist returned the next weekend, but kept up hope - while praying for forgiveness for wishing such a thing - that the old organist would again fall ill so they might again have their favorite "substitute";.

Things being as they may, and Ohio having chilly winters, the organist again caught the flu and asked his nephew to fill in. This time, one of the women, a buxom lass by name of Betty, took opportunity by the... horn, and, intercepting him after church, asked him on a date.

So Betty and Bobby, being young and carefree, had a spectacular first date, where they connected in conversation, connected in dance, and, well, connected back at his place.

But the next morning, while dressing, Betty seemed glum - and not just from a hangover. When Bobby asked, she said, rather bluntly, "You didn't warn me you had such a small organ."

Without missing a beat, Bobby smoothly replied, "You didn't warn me I would be playing in such a large cathedral."

[bigbirdbird]

Olympic Tryouts



Tryouts for the U.S. Olympic women's marathon swim team were to be held.. The first was in California; a swim from Santa Monica to Catalina Island doing only the breaststroke.

Three women signed up for the tryouts: a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde.

The race started, and after approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the winner. About 40 minutes later, the Redhead crawled ashore and was declared the second place finisher.

Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers.

When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete this regulation breaststroke race, she replied, "I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms."

[bigbirdbird]

Ole and Lena Met at Church

Well, Ole and Lena went to the same Lutheran Church. Lena went every Sunday and taught Sunday School. Ole went on Christmas and Easter and once in a while he went on one of the other Sundays.

On one of those Sundays, he was in the pew right behind Lena and he noticed what a fine looking woman she was.

While they were taking up the collection, Ole leaned forward and said, "Hey, Lena, how 'bout you and me go to dinner in Bakersfield nex Friday?"

"Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice," said Lena.

Well, Ole couldn't believe his luck.

All week long he polished up his old Ford, and on Friday he picked Lena up and took her to the finest restaurant in Bakersfield.

When they sat down, Ole looked over at Lena and said, "Hey, Lena, vould you like a cocktail before dinner?"

"Oh, no, Ole," said Lena. "Vat vould I tell my Sunday School class?"

Well, Ole was set back a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner. Then he reached in his pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes.

"Hey, Lena," said Ole, "vould you like a smoke?"

"Oh, no, Ole," said Lena. "Vat vould I tell my Sunday School class?"

Well, Ole was feeling pretty low after that, so he just got in his Ford and was driving Lena home when dey passed the Hot Springs Motel. He'd struck out twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose.

"Hey, Lena," said Ole, "how vould you like to stop at that motel with me?"

"Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice," said Lena.

Well, Ole couldn't believe his luck. He did a U-turn right then and there across the median and everything, and drove back to the motel. He checked in with Lena.

They spent the night making love for almost the entire night.

The next morning Ole got up first.

He looked at Lena lying there in the bed, her blonde curls on the pillow. "Vat have I done? Vat have I done?" thought Ole.

He shook Lena and she woke up. "Lena, I've got to ask you von ting," said Ole. "Vat are you going to tell your Sunday School class?"

"Lena said, "The same ting I alvays tell dem. You don't have to smoke or drink to have a good time!"

[Hurricane88]

*Fair Justice*

A man was brought before the judge and charged with NECROPHILIA.. (having sex with a dead person).

The judge told him, "In 20 years on the bench, I've never heard such a disgusting, immoral thing.

Just give me one good reason why I shouldn't lock you up and throw away the jail keys in the toilet?"

The man replied, "I'll give you THREE good reasons:

1. It's none of your damn business;
2. She was my wife; and...
3. I didn't KNOW she was dead, she ALWAYS acted that way!"

The case was dismissed and the judge announced the following warnings:

For the ladies::
PLEASE TRY TO MOVE A LITTLE DURING THE ACT.

For the guys:
IF THERE IS NOT MUCH MOVEMENT, STOP IMMEDIATELY AND CHECK IF SHE IS ALIVE ....!!!

Case dismissed!

[Koh89]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

Olympic Tryouts



Tryouts for the U.S. Olympic women's marathon swim team were to be held.. The first was in California; a swim from Santa Monica to Catalina Island doing only the breaststroke.

Three women signed up for the tryouts: a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde.

The race started, and after approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the winner. About 40 minutes later, the Redhead crawled ashore and was declared the second place finisher.

Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers.

When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete this regulation breaststroke race, she replied, "I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms."

Haha another blonde joke

[Hurricane88]

My wife's mother visited us.
We were all in the sitting room chatting.
My wife felt sex but could not tell me directly so she stood up and pretended she had developed a terrible headache.
She went to the bedroom and I followed her shortly.
We had sex and when I came back to the sitting room, I forgot to zip up.
In the sitting room;
Mother in law: "How is she now?"
Me: "I've given her panadol.
She is now sleeping.
Mother in law: "That's good my son, now please CLOSE THE PHARMACY."
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

[Hurricane88]

One beautiful sexy employee hit a 5 million lottery jackpot.

Her company thought if the news is told to her suddenly, she may die from shock due to happiness and excitement.

So they assigned the job to Tony, her best friend, to inform her in such a way
that she doesn't die of shock.

Tony went and started... Assume u get 1 million Lottery ? What will you do?

Girl: I will strip Nude in front of you.

Tony : Imagine 2 million ? Then ?

Girl : You can have me as many times you want...

Tony : Super, but if you win 5 million , then ??!!

Girl : I will go oral on you day and night .... You can do all unthinkable things to me. And, I will give you half the money ...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Bastard Tony died of excitement and cardiac arrest

🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪

[lawro]

Originally Posted by Hurricane88

*Fair Justice*

A man was brought before the judge and charged with NECROPHILIA.. (having sex with a dead person).

LMAO, really great jokes and thank you.

[mainly]

Originally Posted by Hurricane88

My wife's mother visited us.

Nice simple pharmacy joke.
Really funny too.

[account2019]

Originally Posted by Hurricane88

One beautiful sexy employee hit a 5 million lottery jackpot.

Her company thought if the news is told to her suddenly, she may die from shock due to happiness and excitement.

So they assigned the job to Tony, her best friend, to inform her in such a way
that she doesn't die of shock.

Tony went and started... Assume u get 1 million Lottery ? What will you do?

Girl: I will strip Nude in front of you.

Tony : Imagine 2 million ? Then ?

Girl : You can have me as many times you want...

Tony : Super, but if you win 5 million , then ??!!

Girl : I will go oral on you day and night .... You can do all unthinkable things to me. And, I will give you half the money ...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Bastard Tony died of excitement and cardiac arrest

🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪

haha..great laughter and very good joke.