Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[Ghoi84]

Italian Spelling


A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversations. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Imma just tellun my friend to spella Mississippi."

[Ghoi84]

Kilts

A Scotsman was out having a very good time on Saturday night sampling the local product and on the way home he passed out along the lane. Later in the night a wind came blowing by and blew his kilt up to his waist. Well, we all know what a real Scotsman wears under his kilt.

Early Sunday morning the 2 town spinsters came by and saw him laying there. "Prudence have you ever seen such a sight!" one exclaimed. "No I haven't Purity. He deserves some kind of punishment." as she searched her bag. "Here this should do it." And she tied a ribbon around his member. "Serves him right" they huffed and continued on to church.

Later the Scotsman awoke and looked down at his member and saw the bright blue ribbon tied around it and said "Aye Laddie, I dunna know where ye been, but ye won ferst prize!."

[Ghoi84]

Phone Network Discovery

German scientists dug 50 metres underground and discovered small pieces of copper. After studying these pieces for a long time, Germany announced that the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had a nationwide telephone network.

Naturally, the British government was not that easily impressed. They ordered their own scientists to dig even deeper. 100 metres down, they found small pieces of glass, and they soon announced that the ancient Brits 35,000 years ago already had a nationwide fibre net.

Israeli scientists were outraged. They dug 50, 100 and 200 metres underground, but found absolutely nothing......They concluded that the ancient Hebrews 55,000 years ago had cellular telephones.

[Ghoi84]

Naming the Twins

A pregnant Irish woman from Dublin is involved in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, "Ma'am you had twins! a boy and a girl. Your Uncle from Cork came in and named them."

The woman thinks to herself, "Oh No, not my Uncle... he's an idiot!"

She asks the doctor,"Well, what's the girl's name?"

"Denise."

"Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?"

"Denephew."

[Ghoi84]

Aliens

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station.

They approached the gas pumps and one of them said to it "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, did not respond. The alien repeated the greeting and there was still no response. Annoyed by what he perceived as the gas pump's haughty attitude the alien drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings earthling, we come in peace. How dare you ignore us this way? Take us to your leader or I will fire."

The other alien shouted to his comrade, "No, you must not anger him..." but before he could finish his warning the first alien fired.

There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert where they landed in a heap. When they finally regained consciousness the one who fired turned to the other one and said "What a ferocious creature. It nearly killed us. How did you know it was so dangerous?"

The other alien answered, "If there is one thing I have learned in my travels through the galaxy it's if a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick in his own ear, don't screw with him.

[Ghoi84]

Role Reversal

A reporter was doing a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War. She noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands.

She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives.

The reporter approached one of the women and said, "This is marvellous. Can you tell the free world just what enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?"

"Land mines," said the Kuwaiti woman.

[Roman city]

When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife. But after several weeks his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches. Ralph became quite concerned, so he and his wife went to see a prominent Urologist. After an initial examination, the physician explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph’s condition could be cured through corrective surgery. “How long will Ralph be on crutches?” the wife asked anxiously. “Crutches? Why would he need crutches?” responded the surprised doctor. “Well,” said the wife, “you are planning to lengthen Ralph’s legs, aren’t you?”

[bakylotus]

SISTER MARY ANN


Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health
agency was making her rounds. She was visiting
home-bound patients when she ran out of gas.

As luck would have it, a gas station was just a
block away. She walked to the station to borrow
a gas can to buy some gas. The attendant told
her the only gas can he owned had been loaned
out, but she could wait for its return.

Since Sister Ann was on the way to see a patient,
she decided not to wait and walked back to her
car. She looked for something that she could fill
with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking
to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary
Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it was
gas and carried the full bedpan to the car.

As she was pouring the gas into the car tank, two
Baptists watched from across the street. One of
them turned to the other and said, 'If it starts, I
am becoming Catholic!'.

[beary]

During WWII, an American Army Captain stationed in England met and fell in love with a British Lieutenant in the WRENS. After a whirlwind courtship, they became engaged and his fiancée wanted him to spend the weekend at her parents' home in the country so they could meet him.

When they arrived at a huge estate, a Rolls Royce was parked in front of a circular driveway with a staff of a dozen maids, butlers, gardeners, etc., standing at attention awaiting their arrival. It was obvious to the Yank that his fiancée was no ordinary Brit, but of the nobility. Her parents were absolutely taken by her choice of a husband and a delightful weekend was enjoyed by all.

When the Yank returned to his headquarters outside London, he went to the British liaison officer's office, explained what had happened, and asked what the proper protocol would be for him at the wedding.

"At the wedding, pretty much the same as your American weddings, I would say, but a bit more elaborate. The big difference would be after the wedding. You will both have connecting rooms in the Claridge Hotel. You will both go to your separate rooms, where you will bathe, apply cologne, put on your pyjamas and robe, and go to the door connecting your two rooms. You will rap on the door. She will answer, 'yes,' and you will say, 'I offer you my honour.' She will respond, 'I honour your offer.' That is your permission to enter her room. After that, it's honour and offer all night."

[beary]

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perked up and said, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne too!"

"What a coincidence" the farmer said. "This is a special day for me, so I am celebrating."

"This is a special day for me too; I am also celebrating," said the woman.

''What a coincidence!" said the farmer.

As they clinked glasses he added, "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!"


"What a coincidence!" said the man. "I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile,but today they are all laying fertilized eggs."

"That's great!" said the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"

"I used a different cock," he replied...

The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, "What a coincidence."

[beary]

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"

She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breasts, 24" stomach and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."

[seesaw]

Quickie in the Bushes

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.

The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.
After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.

The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?'

He asks her 'Shall we?'

She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions.











This time, I 'll hold the pigeon down and you shit on its head.'


----------------AND WHAT WERE YOU THINKING????

[seesaw]

A curious little boy asks his mom what his younger sister has between the legs; the young mother does not know how to explain to the boy, so she says: "It's like the Garage..."

The boy then asks: "What is mine called?"

"It's called the Car..." the mother replies.

A few days later, the phone rings while the parents are "busy" in the bedroom; the little boy answers it. It's his dad's friend: "Is your father home? Could I speak to him?"

"Yes, but he's busy", the boy replies. "What's he doing? I wanna talk to him..." "Wait, let me check..." The boy looks through the bedroom keyhole; then comes back and says: "He's putting the Car in the Garage

"Ok, I'll call back..." A short while later, the man calls back: "Can I talk to your dad now?" "He's still busy..."

"What? What's he doing? How long does it take him to put the car in the garage anyway?"

"Wait, let me check..." The boy, again, looks through the bedroom keyhole, comes back and has this to tell his dad's friend: "He's still trying to put the Car in the Garage; he keeps moving the Car back and forth. He seems to have problem putting the rear wheels of the Car into the Garage..."

[Roman city]

“I’ve got some good news and some bad news” the doctor says. “What’s the bad news?” asks the patient. “The bad news is that unfortunately you’ve only got 3 months to live.” The patient is taken back, “What’s the good news then Doctor?” The doctor points over to the secretary at the front desk, “You see that blonde with the big breasts, tight ass and legs that go all the way up to heaven?”, the patient shakes his head and the doctor replies, “I’m fucking her.”

[bakylotus]

HUSBAND AND WIFE - love your enemy



From his deathbed, the husband called his wife
and said, 'After I am gone, I want you to marry
Samy'.


'Samy?', the wife exclaimed. 'But he is your
enemy!'.


'Yes I know', the dying husband said. 'I've suffered
all these years, so let him suffer from now onwards'.









HUSBAND AND WIFE - why?



'Dad, I was away for a week. Yesterday I sent a fax
to my wife to tell her I'd be home that night, and
when I got into the room I found my wife in another
man's arms'.


'Why Dad, tell me why?'


Dad kept silent for a few minutes then coolly said,
'Maybe son, she didn't get your fax'.