Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[Hurricane88]

Originally Posted by S.B.Y.1

Looks familiar...makaseh...

[jsvc]

Very nice joke.

Hope can read more similar type of jokes.

Originally Posted by warbird

JOKE OF THE YEAR?

A young man moved out from home and into a new apartment, All of his own, he went proudly down to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, a stunning young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing only a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.
The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming..'

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?' Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.'

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100% natural.

I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin - not a blemish anywhere.

How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?'

Clearing his throat, he stammered ……. 'Outside, when you said you heard someone coming …………….. that was me

[warbird]

*A lovely female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her class in Grade 3.*
*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*

_The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4._
_I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4"._


_The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal._


_The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4._

_*Principal:* What is 3+3?_

_*Boy:* 6._

_*Principal:* 6x6._

_*Boy:* 36._

_The boy got all the questions right._


_The principal told the Madam to send the boy to Grade 4 immediately._


_The Madam decided to ask her own questions and the principal agreed._

_*Madam:* What does a cow have 4 of that I have only 2?_

_*Boy:* Legs._

_*Madam:* What is in your trousers that I don't have?_

_*Boy:* Pockets._

_*Madam:* What starts wit a C and ends with T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?_

_*Boy:* Coconut._

_*Madam:* What goes in hard & then comes out soft & sticky?_


_The principal's eyes opened really wide, but before he could stop the answer, the boy was taking charge_

_*Boy:* Bubble gum._

_*Madam:* You stick your pole inside me. You tie me down to get me up, I get wet before you do._

_*Boy:* Tent._


_*The principal was looking restless*_


_*Madam:* A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you are bored. The best man always has me first?._

_*Boy:* Wedding ring._

_*Madam:* I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I Drip. When you blow me, you feel good?_

_*Boy:* Nose._

_*Madam:* I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates, I come with a quiver._

_*Boy:* Arrow._


_*Principal:* O MY GOD._


_*Madam:* What starts with 'F' and ends wit a 'K' and if you don't get it, you've to use your hand?_

_*Boy:* Fork._

_*Madam:* What is it that all men have, it's longer in some men than others, the Pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after marriage?_

_*Boy:* Surname._


_*Principal:* Ohooo !_


_*Madam:* What part of the man has no bone but has muscles with a lot of veins like pumpkin and is responsible for making love?_

_*Boy:* Heart._


_*Principal:* Eeeeeh ! The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the Madam,_
_"Send this bloody boy to the university. I myself got all the answers wrong!"_

[diputs1269]

Originally Posted by warbird

*A lovely female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her class in Grade 3.*
*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*

_The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4._
_I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4"._


_The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal._


_The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4._

_*Principal:* What is 3+3?_

_*Boy:* 6._

_*_The boy got all the questions right._


_The principal told the Madam to send the boy to Grade 4 immediately._


_The Madam decided to ask her own questions and the principal agreed._

_*Madam:* What does a cow have 4 of that I have only 2?_

_*Boy:* Legs._


_*Madam:* What starts wit a C and ends with T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?_

_*Boy:* Coconut._


_*Madam:* You stick your pole inside me. You tie me down to get me up, I get wet before you do._

_*Boy:* Tent._


_*The principal was looking restless*_


_*Madam:* What starts with 'F' and ends wit a 'K' and if you don't get it, you've to use your hand?_

_*Boy:* Fork._

_*Madam:* What is it that all men have, it's longer in some men than others, the Pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after marriage?_

_*Boy:* Surname._


_*Principal:* Eeeeeh ! The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the Madam,_
_"Send this bloody boy to the university. I myself got all the answers wrong!"_

Thanks for this wonderful joke here.
I also got all the answers wrong!

[fotard]

Very good joke. Thanks bro!

Originally Posted by warbird

JOKE OF THE YEAR?

A young man moved out from home and into a new apartment, All of his own, he went proudly down to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, a stunning young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing only a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.
The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming..'

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?' Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.'

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100% natural.

I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin - not a blemish anywhere.

How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?'

Clearing his throat, he stammered ……. 'Outside, when you said you heard someone coming …………….. that was me

[ZefaChicco]

Originally Posted by warbird

*A lovely female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her class in Grade 3.*
*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*

_The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4._
_I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4"._


_The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal._


_The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4._

_*Principal:* What is 3+3?_

_*Boy:* 6._

_*Principal:* 6x6._

_*Boy:* 36._

_The boy got all the questions right._


_The principal told the Madam to send the boy to Grade 4 immediately._


_The Madam decided to ask her own questions and the principal agreed._

_*Madam:* What does a cow have 4 of that I have only 2?_

_*Boy:* Legs._

_*Madam:* What is in your trousers that I don't have?_

_*Boy:* Pockets._

_*Madam:* What starts wit a C and ends with T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?_

_*Boy:* Coconut._

_*Madam:* What goes in hard & then comes out soft & sticky?_


_The principal's eyes opened really wide, but before he could stop the answer, the boy was taking charge_

_*Boy:* Bubble gum._

_*Madam:* You stick your pole inside me. You tie me down to get me up, I get wet before you do._

_*Boy:* Tent._


_*The principal was looking restless*_


_*Madam:* A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you are bored. The best man always has me first?._

_*Boy:* Wedding ring._

_*Madam:* I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I Drip. When you blow me, you feel good?_

_*Boy:* Nose._

_*Madam:* I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates, I come with a quiver._

_*Boy:* Arrow._


_*Principal:* O MY GOD._


_*Madam:* What starts with 'F' and ends wit a 'K' and if you don't get it, you've to use your hand?_

_*Boy:* Fork._

_*Madam:* What is it that all men have, it's longer in some men than others, the Pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after marriage?_

_*Boy:* Surname._


_*Principal:* Ohooo !_


_*Madam:* What part of the man has no bone but has muscles with a lot of veins like pumpkin and is responsible for making love?_

_*Boy:* Heart._


_*Principal:* Eeeeeh ! The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the Madam,_
_"Send this bloody boy to the university. I myself got all the answers wrong!"_

Nice share bro

[bigbirdbird]

Three Nuns Go to Heaven




Three nuns die, and at the Pearly Gates. They are met by St. Peter.



He says, "Sisters, you have all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be."

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren."



And 'poof' she's gone.

The second says, "I want to be Madonna.



And 'poof' she's gone.

The third says, "I want to be Alberta Pipalini.."

St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who ?" he asks

"Alberta Pipalini," replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.

St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says, "No sister, the paper says it was the 'Alberta Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."

[bigbirdbird]

Who couldn't use a visit from the "Hot Sex Fairy"?

1. Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when woman make love they produce amounts of the hormone estrogen, which make hair shiny and skin smooth.

2. Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses the pores and makes your skin glow.

3. Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled on during that romantic dinner.

4. Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up. It stretches and tones up just about every muscle in the body. It's more enjoyable than swimming 20 laps, and you don't need special sneakers!

5. Sex is an instant cure for mild depression. It releases the body endorphin into the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria and leaving you with a feeling of well-being.

6. The more sex you have, the more you will be offered. The sexually active body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called pheromones.These subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy!

7. Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. IT IS 10 TIMES MORE EFFECTIVE THAN VALIUM.

8. Kissing each day will keep the dentist away. issing encourages saliva to wash food from the teeth and lowers the level of the acid that causes decay, preventing plaque build-up.

9. Sex actually relieves headaches. A lovemaking session can release the tension that restricts blood vessels in the brain.

10. A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a natural antihistamine. It can help combat asthma and hay fever.

[bigbirdbird]

A cop was walking his beat through a back alley when he caught a young boy having a wank in the long grass.

"What do you think you're doing?" the cop said.

"What does it look like? I'm having a wank," the kid replied.

"You'd best be careful, boy." the cop warned. "When we catch a young fella doing that, we cut his dick off, stretch and dry it, put a leather thong through one end to make a police baton out of it."

"And I bet I know what you do when you catch a girl doing it." said the young boy.

"And what's that?" asked the cop.

"I bet you cut out her cunt, dry and stretch it, then put it in a blue uniform!"

[bigbirdbird]

Three friends took their wives on vacation for a week in Las Vegas and they all had a great time.

A few days after they returned home, the men were sitting around talking about their trip.

"I don't think I'm ever going to do that again!" says the first guy. "Since we've been back, my wife flings her arms and hollers '7 come 11' all night long. I haven't had a wink of sleep!"

"I hear ya, buddy," the second guy replies. "My wife played blackjack the whole time we were there. Since we've been back, she slaps the bed all night and hollers 'hit me light, hit me hard'. I haven't had a wink of sleep either!"

"You guys think you have it bad!" exclaims the third guy. "My wife played the slots the entire time we were there. Every morning I wake up with a sore dick and an ass full of quarters!"

[bigbirdbird]

Two blonde girls walk into a department store. They walk up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle.

Sharon sprays it on her wrist and smells it, "That's quite nice, don't you think, Tracy?"

"Yeah. What's it called, Sharon?"

"Viens a moi."

"Viens a moi? What does that mean?"

At this stage the assistant offers some help. "Viens a moi, ladies, is French for 'come to me'."

Sharon takes anther sniff and offers her arm to Tracy again saying, "That doesn't smell like come to me. Does that smell like come to you?"

[JustBuryIT]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

A cop was walking his beat through a back alley when he caught a young boy having a wank in the long grass.

"What do you think you're doing?" the cop said.

"What does it look like? I'm having a wank," the kid replied.

"You'd best be careful, boy." the cop warned. "When we catch a young fella doing that, we cut his dick off, stretch and dry it, put a leather thong through one end to make a police baton out of it."

"And I bet I know what you do when you catch a girl doing it." said the young boy.

"And what's that?" asked the cop.

"I bet you cut out her cunt, dry and stretch it, then put it in a blue uniform!"

Nice sharing bro

[beppu]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

Who couldn't use a visit from the "Hot Sex Fairy"?

1. Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when woman make love they produce amounts of the hormone estrogen, which make hair shiny and skin smooth.

2. Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses the pores and makes your skin glow.

3. Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled on during that romantic dinner.

4. Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up. It stretches and tones up just about every muscle in the body. It's more enjoyable than swimming 20 laps, and you don't need special sneakers!

5. Sex is an instant cure for mild depression. It releases the body endorphin into the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria and leaving you with a feeling of well-being.

6. The more sex you have, the more you will be offered. The sexually active body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called pheromones.These subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy!

7. Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. IT IS 10 TIMES MORE EFFECTIVE THAN VALIUM.

8. Kissing each day will keep the dentist away. issing encourages saliva to wash food from the teeth and lowers the level of the acid that causes decay, preventing plaque build-up.

9. Sex actually relieves headaches. A lovemaking session can release the tension that restricts blood vessels in the brain.

10. A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a natural antihistamine. It can help combat asthma and hay fever.

Support bro for really funny jokes.

Hope to read more please.

[sgbond]

Agreed that this boy should be in uni.

Great jokes bro.

Any more?

Originally Posted by warbird

*A lovely female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her class in Grade 3.*
*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*

_The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4._
_I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4"._


_The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal._


_The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4._

_*Principal:* What is 3+3?_

_*Boy:* 6._

_*Principal:* 6x6._

_*Boy:* 36._

_The boy got all the questions right._


_The principal told the Madam to send the boy to Grade 4 immediately._


_The Madam decided to ask her own questions and the principal agreed._

_*Madam:* What does a cow have 4 of that I have only 2?_

_*Boy:* Legs._

_*Madam:* What is in your trousers that I don't have?_

_*Boy:* Pockets._

_*Madam:* What starts wit a C and ends with T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?_

_*Boy:* Coconut._

_*Madam:* What goes in hard & then comes out soft & sticky?_


_The principal's eyes opened really wide, but before he could stop the answer, the boy was taking charge_

_*Boy:* Bubble gum._

_*Madam:* You stick your pole inside me. You tie me down to get me up, I get wet before you do._

_*Boy:* Tent._


_*The principal was looking restless*_


_*Madam:* A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you are bored. The best man always has me first?._

_*Boy:* Wedding ring._

_*Madam:* I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I Drip. When you blow me, you feel good?_

_*Boy:* Nose._

_*Madam:* I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates, I come with a quiver._

_*Boy:* Arrow._


_*Principal:* O MY GOD._


_*Madam:* What starts with 'F' and ends wit a 'K' and if you don't get it, you've to use your hand?_

_*Boy:* Fork._

_*Madam:* What is it that all men have, it's longer in some men than others, the Pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after marriage?_

_*Boy:* Surname._


_*Principal:* Ohooo !_


_*Madam:* What part of the man has no bone but has muscles with a lot of veins like pumpkin and is responsible for making love?_

_*Boy:* Heart._


_*Principal:* Eeeeeh ! The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the Madam,_
_"Send this bloody boy to the university. I myself got all the answers wrong!"_

[ScrewOldboss]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

Two blonde girls walk into a department store. They walk up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle.

Sharon sprays it on her wrist and smells it, "That's quite nice, don't you think, Tracy?"

"Yeah. What's it called, Sharon?"

"Viens a moi."

"Viens a moi? What does that mean?"

At this stage the assistant offers some help. "Viens a moi, ladies, is French for 'come to me'."

Sharon takes anther sniff and offers her arm to Tracy again saying, "That doesn't smell like come to me. Does that smell like come to you?"

Nice joke, tks. Hope to read more.