Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[hyperbole]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

Cunnilingus


Nina and Rosy were talking about their sex lives.

Nina said that her new boyfriend always wants to perform cunnilingus, all the time.

"Wow," said Rosy, "You are really lucky. But if you want to prevent him from doing that, just rub a little garlic down there."

Nina said, "I tried that already, and the next night he came to bed with some bread, olive oil, and oregano.

Tks bro, will avoid garlic in future.

[Rained]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

Top 10 Valentine Poems





10 ~ I admire your strength, I admire your spunk
But the thing I like best, is getting you drunk

9 ~ Our love will never become cold and hollow
Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.

8 ~ I bought this Valentine's card at the sto.
In hopes that later, you'd be my ho.

7 ~ This feels so good, it feels so right
I just wish it wasn't $250 a night.

6 ~ You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class
Especially when I'm spanking, your big-round-fat ass.

5 ~ Before I met you, my heart was so famished
But now I'm fulfilled. . . SO MAKE ME A SAMICH!!!

4 ~ Through all the things that came to pass
Our love has grown. . . but so has your ass.

3 ~ You're a honey. . . and you're a cutie.

I just wished you had J-Lo's "booty".

2 ~ I don't wanna be sappy or silly or corny
So, right to the point, let's do it, I'm horny!

1 ~ If you think that hickey looks like a blister
You should check out the one that I gave to your sister!

Nice one bro bigbirdbird

[WuTea]

Originally Posted by muthusammy86

Q. What is the difference between a tightrope walker and a street walker?

A. One has a cunning stunt while the other has a stunning cunt.

Good twist

[toonside]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

Car Trouble


A young woman experienced car trouble late one afternoon, but luckily, an old man in a tow truck stopped and offered help.

Not knowing the area, she asked if he could repair the car.

He agreed to do it and after hoisting the car up on the truck, the two of them took the car back to the old man's garage.

He looked at the engine and made an estimate about one hundred dollars more than she could pay at the time.

"Darn. Just one hundred dollars? If you weren't such an old guy," she said, "I'd fuck you for the remainder of the bill."

"Hell, I'll show you who’s old!" the old man retorted. "Take off that dress and get on the car."

She giggled as she slipped off her dress and eyed the old man after he dropped his pants. He was hung like a mule!

"Oboy!", she thought. "Not only am I going to get a great discount on the repairs, I'm going to get the hell fucked out of me too."

About that time, she noticed the old man placing washers on the base of his dick.

"Hey, what are you doing?", the woman asked.

"Hell", the old man replied, "You think for just a hundred dollars, you're gonna get all of this?"

Hahaha nice share bro

[S.B.Y.1]

[therunnngman]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

Cunnilingus


Nina and Rosy were talking about their sex lives.

Nina said that her new boyfriend always wants to perform cunnilingus, all the time.

"Wow," said Rosy, "You are really lucky. But if you want to prevent him from doing that, just rub a little garlic down there."

Nina said, "I tried that already, and the next night he came to bed with some bread, olive oil, and oregano.

This is funny.

[bigbirdbird]

During the wedding reception in the family's southern mansion, the bride's Granddaddy slipped her five $100 bills and told her that it was for her and to keep it for "mad money, so she stuffed them in her gloves

By family tradition, the couple spent their first night together in their historic plantation house.

Later that night, after all the guests had left, the bride's Grandmother saw her sneaking down the stairs , and asked where she was going.

"I left my gloves in the library, Grand-MaMa, and it's important that I have them."

"Oh you youngsters!" the Grandmother sighed. "You march yourself right back upstairs and grab hold of that damm thing with your bare hands just like I did your Grandfather's."

[bigbirdbird]

During a Biology class, the teacher asked the class,"Why is it that during childhood girls tend to grow taller than guys?"

Little Johnny raised his hand and replied, "That's because guys have balls and that weighs them down."

The teacher, a bit annoyed, responded, "Then why is it that at maturity guys tend to grow taller than girls?"

Little Johnny countered by saying, "That's because girls get breasts and they are heavier than the guy's balls."

[bigbirdbird]

Doug and Bill were discussing the new secretary at their office.

Doug to Bill: "Man, I dated her last Tuesday and we had wonderful sex. She's a lot better in bed than my wife!"

Two days later.

Bill to Doug: "Well, I dated her too and we had sex as well, but she sure isn't a lot better than your wife."

[davoslim]

Nice thread

[bigbirdbird]

I became fully aware last night that I've been spending entirely too much time with my computer. The first clue was when I noticed that my right hand is now permanently cramped into the famous "Microsoft Mouse" position.

The second hint was a little more tragic. As I lay in bed last night looking at my wife, thinking how nice it would be to have sex with her,I rested my hand upon her breast and gently cupped it (having no choice, since my right hand is now permanently cramped).

I heard a soft moan, but moments later she relegated me back to my side of the bed.

Alas, I had double-clicked her nipple

[bigbirdbird]

While at his doctors trying to figure out why he felt bad and had no energy, Jim finally admitted that he was probably worn down from to much sex.

"How much are we talking about here Jim"? His doctor asks.

" Well I can not stop myself, and must have it at least twenty times a day or I will not be able to sleep at night", Jim reports.

"My God Jim, that is way more then any man should be doing! Just look at how sick it has already made you. You must slow down to a normal pace or it is going to kill you"!

So taking his Doctors advice, Jim does indeed slow down and began to feel much better. How ever Jims addiction to sex is more then he can control, and within weeks he finds himself completely back out of control, and doing it thirty, and forty times a day. It did not take long for Jim to end up in the hospital with his Doctor telling him that he is now going to die, and there is nothing he can do for him. I warned you that it would kill you if you did not slow down, he said. All I can do know is to ask you if you have any last wishes?

Jim says yes Doctor I do! I want you to promise me that when I die you make sure I get cremated.

His Doctor agrees.

Then I want you to promise me that you will take my ashes, mix them up into a douche, and get some woman to run me through one last time!

[bigbirdbird]

Who couldn't use a visit from the "Hot Sex Fairy"?

1. Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when woman make love they produce amounts of the hormone estrogen, which make hair shiny and skin smooth.

2. Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses the pores and makes your skin glow.

3. Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled on during that romantic dinner.

4. Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up. It stretches and tones up just about every muscle in the body. It's more enjoyable than swimming 20 laps, and you don't need special sneakers!

5. Sex is an instant cure for mild depression. It releases the body endorphin into the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria and leaving you with a feeling of well-being.

6. The more sex you have, the more you will be offered. The sexually active body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called pheromones.These subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy!

7. Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. IT IS 10 TIMES MORE EFFECTIVE THAN VALIUM.

8. Kissing each day will keep the dentist away. issing encourages saliva to wash food from the teeth and lowers the level of the acid that causes decay, preventing plaque build-up.

9. Sex actually relieves headaches. A lovemaking session can release the tension that restricts blood vessels in the brain.

10. A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a natural antihistamine. It can help combat asthma and hay fever.

[mamachari]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

I became fully aware last night that I've been spending entirely too much time with my computer. The first clue was when I noticed that my right hand is now permanently cramped into the famous "Microsoft Mouse" position.

The second hint was a little more tragic. As I lay in bed last night looking at my wife, thinking how nice it would be to have sex with her,I rested my hand upon her breast and gently cupped it (having no choice, since my right hand is now permanently cramped).

I heard a soft moan, but moments later she relegated me back to my side of the bed.

Alas, I had double-clicked her nipple

This is damn funny LMAO!! Thanks bro

[otamay]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

During a Biology class, the teacher asked the class,"Why is it that during childhood girls tend to grow taller than guys?"

Little Johnny raised his hand and replied, "That's because guys have balls and that weighs them down."

The teacher, a bit annoyed, responded, "Then why is it that at maturity guys tend to grow taller than girls?"

Little Johnny countered by saying, "That's because girls get breasts and they are heavier than the guy's balls."

This is a good one.