Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[bigbirdbird]

Shorts



Patient : Doctor, you've got to help me. Every night I get the urge to go downstairs and stick my dick into the biscuit tin. Do you know what's wrong with me?
Doctor : Yes ... you're fucking crackers.



Overheard this weekend at the bar at Fisherman's wharf: One sweet young bikinied thing announced to her girlfriend, "I'm getting older, and I've been thinking about having my eggs frozen. Well really just the egg whites. I'm trying to cut back on my cholesterol."



Jack can remember the night he lost his innocence in the back seat of the family car. It would have been even more memorable if Jack hadn't been alone.



A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, ''Ma'm, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me.'' She replies, ''If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436.''

[bigbirdbird]

It’s Really Hot Out


The weather was very hot and this man wanted desperately to take a dive in a nearby lake.

He didn't bring his swimming trucks, but who cared? He was all alone. So, he undressed and got into the water.

After some delightful minutes of cool swimming, a pair of old ladies walked onto the shore in his direction.

He panicked, got out of the water and grabbed a bucket lying in the sand nearby. He held the bucket in front of his private area and sighed with relief.

The ladies got nearby and looked at him. He felt awkward and he wanted to move.

Then one of the ladies said to him, "You know, I have a special gift, I can read minds."

"Impossible," said the embarrassed man. "You really know what I think?"

"Yes," the lady replied, "Right now, you are thinking that the bucket you're holding has a bottom."

[bigbirdbird]

Ear Infection



They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong, and sometimes it is embarrassing.

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.

I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '

'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter...


Mess with seniors and you're going to lose!!

[Informer]

great jokes, please share more bros.

[guoxiaojin]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

Ear Infection



They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong, and sometimes it is embarrassing.

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.

I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '

'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter...


Mess with seniors and you're going to lose!!

This is funny hehe

[35cents]

nice ones bro....!

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

Shorts



Patient : Doctor, you've got to help me. Every night I get the urge to go downstairs and stick my dick into the biscuit tin. Do you know what's wrong with me?
Doctor : Yes ... you're fucking crackers.



Overheard this weekend at the bar at Fisherman's wharf: One sweet young bikinied thing announced to her girlfriend, "I'm getting older, and I've been thinking about having my eggs frozen. Well really just the egg whites. I'm trying to cut back on my cholesterol."



Jack can remember the night he lost his innocence in the back seat of the family car. It would have been even more memorable if Jack hadn't been alone.



A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, ''Ma'm, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me.'' She replies, ''If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436.''

[S.B.Y.1]

A Malay man met a hantu in forest one night. He smart, gave lots of food and asked for 4D number. Ghost said buy satu dua tiga empat. Sure come out. Man put his entire fortune and bought 1234 but never come out. He lost everything. That night he complained to the hantu. Hantu said not my fault. I said satu dua tiga empat. You bought 1234. First prize was 2444 (satu dua, tiga empat)

[Slovakian]

Originally Posted by S.B.Y.1

A Malay man met a hantu in forest one night. He smart, gave lots of food and asked for 4D number. Ghost said buy satu dua tiga empat. Sure come out. Man put his entire fortune and bought 1234 but never come out. He lost everything. That night he complained to the hantu. Hantu said not my fault. I said satu dua tiga empat. You bought 1234. First prize was 2444 (satu dua, tiga empat)

Very nice one hehe

[diputs1269]

Originally Posted by S.B.Y.1

A Malay man met a hantu in forest one night...bought 1234 but never come out..... I said satu dua tiga empat. You bought 1234. First prize was 2444 (satu dua, tiga empat)

Nice joke here, listening skill here very important.

[Deceptive]

Very good thread, thanks bros

[rawboy83]

Originally Posted by S.B.Y.1

A Malay man met a hantu in forest one night. He smart, gave lots of food and asked for 4D number. Ghost said buy satu dua tiga empat. Sure come out. Man put his entire fortune and bought 1234 but never come out. He lost everything. That night he complained to the hantu. Hantu said not my fault. I said satu dua tiga empat. You bought 1234. First prize was 2444 (satu dua, tiga empat)

lol, good one pak.

[bigbirdbird]

Son: "Daddy, what does a vagina look like?"

Father: "Well son, it's like a very pretty, delicate flower that must be plucked very gently."

Son: "Well what does it look like after you pluck it?"

Father: "Like a bulldog with a mouthful of mayonnaise."

[bigbirdbird]

Dave and Bill are out drinking at the bar late one night.

Dave says, "Well, bud, I guess I better be going home."

"Yo man," Bill said, "what's your rush? Little woman got you by the short hairs on a short leash?"

"Hell no," Dave retorted, "I'm the boss in my house."

Then he said softly, "But she's the Director of Pussy..."

[bigbirdbird]

Damn Good Definitions

ADULTERY - The wrong people doing the right thing.

ALIMONY - The screwing you get for the screwing you got.

BABY - A hollow tube with a loud voice at one end and a complete lack of responsibility at the other end.

CANNIBAL - One who is apt to pass his best friend.

CHIVALRY - A mans inclination to defend a woman against every man but himself.

CONSCIENCE - That which hurts when everything else feels so good.

CONSTIPATION - To have and to hold.

COOKIE - A virgin doughnut.

DANCE - A Naval engagement without the loss of seamen.

DIVORCE - What happens when two people cannot stomach each other any longer.

DECOY - A flashlight in the pants pocket.

DIARY - Book of revelations.

DOCTOR - A lucky fellow who is privileged to undress women and go all over them without getting his face slapped.

ENEMA - A goose with a gush.

EXPLORATION - Beating around the bush.

FATHER'S DAY - Nine months before labor day.

GENTLEMAN - One who is always careful to rest at least half his weight on his elbows.

GIGGALO - The egg that laid the golden Goose.

GLAMOUR GIRL - a much publicized young thing who is full of oomf, and frequently full of other things; one who doesn't worry about the meat shortage.

HORSE SHOW - A lot of horses showing their asses to a lot of horses' asses showing their horses.

HUSBAND - What is left after the nerve has been killed.

KEPT WOMAN - One who wears mink all day and fox all night.

HUNG CHOW - Chinese constipation.

A KISS - Upper persuasion for lower invasion; upstairs shopping for downstairs merchandise.

MASTURBATION - A solo played on a private organ.

METALLURGIST - A man who can look at a platinum blonde and tell whether she is virgin metal or a common ore.

MINUTE MAN - One who double parks while he visits a sporting house.

MORNING - The time of day when the rising generation retires, and the retiring generation arises.

MOTHER'S DAY - Nine months after fathers day.

DONKEY BARBECUE- Where everybody gets a piece of ass.

NUN - A woman who ain't never had none, don't want none, and ain't going to get none.

NURSE - A pan handler.

NURSERY - A place to park last years fun until it grows up a bit.

PAPOOSE - Consolation prize for taking a chance on an Indian blanket.

PIMP - A crack salesman; a nookie bookie.

PREGNANCY - When a woman is all swelled up from her mate's handiwork.

RHUMBA - An asset to music.

SECRETARY - A stenographer who watches her periods.

SIN - Anything the other fellow enjoys and you don't.

SISSY - A man who gets out of the bath tub to take a leak.

SPRING FEVER - When the iron in your blood turns to lead in your pencil.

STORK - The bird that had none of the fun in bringing the babies.

TAXIDERMIST - A man who mounts animals.

TOMCAT - A ball bearing mouse trap.

TRIPLETS - Having to take seriously what was poked at you in fun.

VISE - Anything you enjoy that is bad for you.

VIRGINITY - A bubble on the stream of life, one prick and it's gone forever.

VIRGIN WOOL - Wool from a sheep that can outrun a sheep herder.

[bigbirdbird]

Shorts





Q: How do you know when it's time to wash dishes and clean the house?
A: When you look inside your pants; if you have a penis, it's not time.





Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball. [Not all men – I always search until I have found hers]





A guy cuddled up to his wife and softly whispered into her ear: "Could we make love, please dear?" She rolled over away from him. "Not tonight, darling, I've got a splitting headache," she replied rather tersely. Too horny to read the obvious signals the husband pleaded. "Please, honey. I'll only stick it in for a minute" "What do you think I am," his wife retorted, "a fucking microwave?"





"When I realized that I couldn't satisfy my wife's insatiable sex appetite," the man said to his drinking buddy, "I bought her quite an assortment of every sex toy made, thinking that would keep her faithful." "Did it work?" asked the friend. "Well, kinda..." the man replied. "But now, every time I do feel like a little, I find myself 3rd or 4th in line."