Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[RalphLauren]

Support all the nice jokes. Thanks.

[sagota]

So many jokes here, will slowly take my time to read
Thanks to all contributors

[hotga]

Originally Posted by Cum_Luver

Olympic Condoms

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.

"Olympic condoms?" she asks, "What makes them so special?"

"There are three colors," he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze."

"What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asks cheekily.

"Gold of course," says the man proudly.

The wife responds, "Really, why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!"

Very funny and thanks.

[maniman]

like this thread, it makes my day. bros, thanks.

[BarryVenison]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

A blonde is suffering from a sore throat so she goes to see the doctor.

She explains the problem to the doctor who asks her to sit down.

He gets out his light and says, "Open wide".

"I can't," replies the blonde, "this chair's got arms."

Very good one. Gum xia

[FieldSuits]

Originally Posted by phua chu kang

Excellent jokes here. Tks.!!

Yes, couldn't agree more!

[abitex]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

Sue was playing hard to get, so Greg played his last and biggest trump card. "I'll bet you I can keep my eye on my beer whilst 1 go out to my car," he challenged her.

Sue knew that this was impossible so she put down $10 and said, "You're on."

Greg took out a glass eye, placed it on the bar beside his glass, went out to his car, came back and claimed the bet." Tell you what, I'll give you a chance to win your money back", he said. I bet you $10 I can bite my own ear."

"No chance! You're on". said Sue.

He took out a set of false teeth and bit his ear lobe with them, and picked up the money once again he said. " To show you I am a sport,I'll give you another chance, Double or nothing. I bet you I can poke my head through
his hole", he said, holding up his hand and making a circle with his thumb and forefinger.

Sue checked the size of the hole several times and said, "OK, smartie! You're on."

He poked the forefinger of his other hand through the hole and touched his forehead. "You're down $40", said Greg, "I'll give you one last chance to get your money back. 1 bet I can make love to you so gently, so tenderly that you won't even feel it."

Sue knew that this was just impossible, so she threw down $40 and said, "No way you can do that! You're on!"

Greg led Sue to the back seat of his car where he proceeded to bonk the daylights out of her, fucking furiously.

"Oh wow! Oh God! Oh shit!" Sue screamed. "1 can feel it! oh my God, can I feel it!!! Oh WOW! You've lost the bet Mr. Smart Arse."

"Ah, what a bastard," said Greg as he continued fucking Sue, "but ... you win some, you lose some"

Damn funny lol

[Heaton]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

There are two sperm and they're swimming and swimming and swimming for what seems like forever. They're starting to get tired and one sperm says to the other, "Do you think we should pull over and ask for directions?"

The other sperm replies, "Naaaahhhhh, we can find it."

So, they keep swimming. Finally, they see another sperm, who's almost dead, and decide to stop and ask for directions. They ask, "Do you think you can help us get to where we are going?"

The almost dead sperm says, "I'll try, where ya going?"

The two sperms reply, "Well, we're trying to find the fallopian tubes so that we can try and fertilize the egg."

The almost dead sperm just starts laughing. The other two sperms look at one another, somewhat confused, and ask, "What's so funny?"

The almost dead sperm finally regains his composure and replies, "Well, you guys have a long way to go...... you're still in the esophagus."

Thx very much for making me laugh.

[Susanne]

Very nice jokes here, support!

[wontanmi]

Fantastic thread, brightens my day, thanks bro

[IRASshytomast]

Only reading halfway, laughing non-stop.
Thanks to all who share.

[bigbirdbird]

That Day in the Garden of Eden

"Adam," the heavenly voice called to the Garden of Eden, "what did you and Eve do today?"

"We ate some fruit, Lord," Adam said reverently.

"Did you eat off the forbidden tree?" asked God.

"Yes, Lord, we did," Adam confessed.

"And then what did you do?" God asked.

"We made mad, passionate love all afternoon."

"Where is Eve now?" the Lord bellowed. "She's down at the brook washing herself out."

"Oh, no," the Lord moaned.

“What’s wrong, Father?"

“Now all my fish are going to smell like PUSSY!”

[bigbirdbird]

Shorts





Q: Why is the 69 position is like driving in rush hour?
A. The asshole is always in front of you!





Jill: You wouldn't believe how inexperienced with women my ex was
when we first married.
Mary: How bad was he?
Jill: On our wedding night, he tried to inflate me.





A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her breasts in the mirror. He asks, "What are you doing?" She replies, "I went to the doctor today, and he told me I have the breasts of a 25-year-old." The husband retorts, "Well, what did he say about your 60-year-old ass?" She answers, "He never even mentioned you!"







The personnel office received an email requesting a listing of the department staff broken down by age and sex. The personnel office sent this reply... "Attached is a list of our staff. We currently have no one broken down by age or sex. However, we have a few alcoholics."





An abstract noun," the high school English teacher said, "is something you can think of, but you can't touch it. Can you give me two examples?" "Sure," the teenager replied. "Your boobs!"

[bigbirdbird]

Idiots Guide to Sex

* If she wants to do it French, Russian or Greek, it doesn't mean you have to go to Berlitz and learn the language.

* "Faster, Harder, Deeper" is not the motto of the Olympics..

* A Fallopian tube is not part of a TV set.

* Membership of the Mile-High Club is void if you apply by yourself.

* A clitoris is not something you order from a florist.

* Contrary to popular belief, Grape Nuts is not a venereal disease.

* If it doesn't make you smile: you AIN'T DOIN' IT RIGHT!

* When she comes down wearing her most expensive body stocking and asks you to come to bed, don't say you first want to check your e-mail.

[bigbirdbird]

Politics

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

The dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism.. Your mother, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people.. The nanny, we'll consider her the working class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense."

The little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "Well, while capitalism is screwing the working class, the government is sound asleep, the people are being ignored, and the future is in deep shit."