Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[birdie8819]

Two teenaged brothers were arguing with each other very strongly. The issue was who knows better and more about the sex.


The elder brother of seventeen gives a challenge to his fourteen year old younger brother. He says that I will ask you a basic question about sex and if you reply it correctly, then only I will admit that you know better and more about sex than me.

“O.K. Done.” Please ask." said the younger of fourteen.


Elder brother asks his younger brother, “Tell me, how many testicles we have, taken both of us together?”

Younger replies instantly, “It’s so easy, Four”.


The elder one says, “Wrong. I have only one.”

Younger one replies, “But I have three, what about that.”

[birdie8819]

An elderly couple, who had long lost their spouses, had been going out with each other for a longtime. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.

'I would like it infrequently' she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered,

'Is that one word or two?'

[ilovelife.now]

It’s long, hard, and usually white. It often has little hairs at the end. You put it in your mouth and you move it around. When you are done with it, you spit out the tasty, filmy white stuff. What is it?

A toothbrush. What did you think of?

[ilovelife.now]

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away Sherlyn went straight round to visit her grandmother. When she asked how her grandpa had died, her granny explained "He had a heart attack during sex on Sunday morning."

Horrified Sherlyn suggested that shagging at the age of 94 was surely asking for trouble.

"Oh no!", granny replied, we had sex every Sunday morning, in time with the local church bells, in with the dings and out with the dongs."

She paused, and wiped away a tear. "If it wasn't for that damn fire engine going past, he'd still be alive!"

[ilovelife.now]

A doctor gets a visit from a patient who is not able to get an erection.

Doctor: Are you married?

Patient: No.

Doctor: Do you masturbate?

Patient: No.

Doctor: Do you visit prostitutes?

Patient: No.

Doctor: Do you have girlfriends?

Patient: No.

Doctor: Then are you going to hang a calendar from that!??

[Thailord]

An attractive blonde from Dublin arrived at the casino and
bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.

She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm 'completely nude'.

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled,
'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...

'YES, YES, I WON, I WON!'

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'

The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'

MORAL OF THE STORY:
Not all Irish are stupid.. Not all blondes are dumb, But all men are men.

[Thailord]

Why are breasts located in the upper half of a woman’s body?

So that milk should be kept away from the pussy!

[Playman]

Putting a price on fun....


On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:

"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students," he explained. "Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."

He continued: "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"

At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?"

[Playman]

Understanding elderly exhaustion.....


A Doctor had an elderly patient "drop" in on him for an unscheduled appointment.

"What can I do for you today, Mr. Smith?" the Doctor asked.

The aged Gentleman replied: "Doctor, you must help me. Every time I make love to my wife, my eyes get all bleary, my legs go weak and I can hardly catch my breath... Doctor, I'm frightened!"

The Doctor, looking at his 86-year-old patient, said: "Mr. Smith, these sensations tend to happen over time, especially to a man of your advanced years, but tell me, when did you first notice these symptoms?"

The old gentleman thought for a moment and said, "Well... three times last night, and twice again this morning!"

[Ghoi84]

Doctor doctor collection 01
Doctor Doctor I swallowed a bone.
Are you choking?
No, I really did!

Doctor, Doctor I think I need glasses
You certainly do, Sir, this is a fish and chip shop!

Doctor, Doctor my son has swallowed my pen, what should I do?
Use a pencil ‘till I get there

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a bell?
Take these and if it doesn't help give me a ring!

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm suffering from Deja Vu!
Didn't I see you yesterday?

Doctor, Doctor I've got wind! Can you give me something?
Yes - here's a kite!

Doctor, how do I stop my nose from running?!
Stick your foot out and trip it up!

[Ghoi84]

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.

The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.

The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese."

"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever."

She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says "How well can you do?"

"Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.

"My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence."

She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?"

The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua.

He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says....

Liver alone. Cheese mine.

[Ghoi84]

A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any Bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we have no bread."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we haven't got any bread!"

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any bread, and if you ask me again and I'll nail your dang beak to the bar you irritating dang duck!"

Duck says: "Got any nails?"

Barman says: "No"

Duck says: "Got any bread?

[Ghoi84]

In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?"

And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.

So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Ranch Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake," and said, "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."

God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!" And Satan said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

Then Satan created HMOs.

[Ghoi84]

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her.

She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement.

Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Dang it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

[Ghoi84]

The Dog's Diary:

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!

9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!

9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!

10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!

12:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!

1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!

3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!

5:00 pm - Dinner! My favorite thing!

7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!

8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!

11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!