Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[Lonely]

Originally Posted by poolhot.

"of course, why not? You don't scare me weiner. I can knock you out in a flash. So go on, do anything to that chicken and watch me do the same to you."

the guy calmly looked at the chicken before he stuck his middle finger in the bird's rectum then he pulled it out and licked it.

Turning to the lawyer who was now beyond annoyed by that time, he stood up and dropped his pants before bending over to him and said, ''alright my law friend, go ahead!''

:d:d:d:d:d:d:d:d

[poolhot.]

...........

[poolhot.]

Farmer Brown decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Farmer Brown. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" asked the lawyer.

Farmer Brown responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the . . . "

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'!"

Farmer Brown said, "Well I had just gotten Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road . . . "

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Brown's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie."

Brown thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side."

He continued, "I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans."

"Shortly after the accident a highway patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me."

Finally, farmer Brown came to the end of the story. "The patrolman looked at me and said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are YOU feeling'?

[poolhot.]

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's.

He shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said,

"I'd like to buy a bra for my wife.".

"What type of bra?", asked the clerk.

"Type?", inquired the man "There is more than one type?".

"Look Around.", said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size color and material.

"Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only
three types of bras.", replied the salesclerk.

Confused, the man asked,

"Only three? What are they?".

The saleslady replied "The Catholic type, the, Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?".

Still confused the man asked

"What is the difference between them?".

The lady responded

"It is quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills.".

[poolhot.]

Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol.

The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?"

The blondes all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities, such as scars and so forth." So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.

"Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man ?"

The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"

The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"

The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"

"Yes! He only has one ear!"

The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!! You're excused too!"

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but..." He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"

The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."

The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder.

He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled _expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Helloooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses.

[bigbirdbird]

Shoot or don't shoot?


A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight.

While en-route home, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness, because the man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act.

For $100, the cabby agrees.

Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights and yanks the blanket back. There is his wife, naked as a jay bird, with a man, totally nude also.

The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouts, "Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money".

"HE paid for the Porsche I gave you".

"HE paid for your new 25 ft. Ranger Fishing Boat.."

"HE paid for your Football season tickets.."

"HE paid for our house at the lake."

"HE paid for your Golf Trip to St Andrews and your new 4 x 4."

"HE paid for our country club membership and he even pays the monthly dues."

"And because of HIM, I can put an extra $2,000 in our checking account each month."

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, ''What would you do''?


The cabby replies, ''I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold."

[bigbirdbird]

The Perfect Woman Would Say.....

1. I'll swallow it all....I love the taste.

2. Are you sure you've had enough to drink?

3. I'm bored. Let's shave my pussy!

4. Oh come on, what do ya say we get a good porno movie, a case of beer, a few joints, and have my friend Tawnee over for a threesome!

5. God... .f I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna bust!

6. I know it's a lot tighter back there but would you please try again?

7. You're so sexy when you're hung over.

8. I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping.

9. Let's subscribe to Hustler.

10. Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?

11. Say, let's go down to the mall so you can check out women's asses.

12. I'll be out painting the house.

13. I love it when you play golf on Sunday's, I just wish you had time to play on Saturday too.

14. Honey..our new neighbor's daughter is sunbathing again, come see!

15. I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.

16. No, no, I'll take the car to have the oil changed.

17. Your mother did a great job raising you.

18. Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine's day thing and buy yourself new clubs.

19. I understand fully...our anniversary comes every year for God's sake. You go hunting with the guys, it's a wonderful stress reliever.

20. Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies?

21. Not the fucking mall again, come on let's go to that new strip joint!

22. Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why don't you retire and get that nagging handicap down to 7 or 8.

23. You need your sleep ya big silly, now stop getting up for the night feedings.

24. That was a great fart! Do another one!

25. I signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my head for ya...

[bigbirdbird]

he RIGHT (R) and WRONG (W) things to say to a man after sex:

R: You're the one
W: Next.

R: You really know how to satisfy a woman.
W: What the hell was that? Do you have to catch a plane?

R: You're the best I've ever had.
W: You're almost as good as my cousin Earl.

R: What color are your eyes?
W: Is my discharge still brown?

R: You make me forget my problems.
W: You make me forget I'm just 15.

R: I think we should go away for the weekend.
W: I think we should go to the clinic.

R: I love you.
W: I love you.

[bigbirdbird]

Just Lucky


Man walks into bar, and tell the Bartender to set the house up, and one for himself as well.

Bartender: Thanks guy, what's your name?

Guy: Just call me Lucky, was on my way to work and a seven car accident happened, all were killed but me!

Next Day

Bartender: Here comes Lucky again, Hi Lucky!

Guy: Call me Lucky Lucky.

Bartender: Why?

Guy: I was on airplane going to St. Louis, about 40 miles from there the plane crashed and all died but me, set the house up, and one for yourself as well.

Next Day

Bartender: Here comes Lucky Lucky again, Hi Lucky!

Guy: Call me Lucky Lucky Lucky.

Bartender: Why?

Guy: I was at my girlfriend’s house screwing her, and her husband walked in. Walked over to the closet, pulled out a rifle and shot me in the ass twice!

Bartender: And you call that Lucky?

Guy: Yes, if'n he would have been five min earlier he would have shot me in the head!

[bigbirdbird]

Clam Bake


A little boy and his mom were walking down the beach and they come across a couple madly screwing.

The little boy says to his mom "Mommy, what are THEY doing?"

"Ummm, well, ahhhh, they are having a clam bake."

So, the little boy, content with the answer, continues down the beach.

They come across another couple screwing.

"Mommy? Are they having a clam bake too?"

"Ah, yes. Yes they are."

So, they go home, and later that night there is a knock on her door.

She comes out a minute later and says "What do you want? It's past your bedtime."

The little boy says "I was thirsty and wanted a drink. Oh, Mommy. I have a question."

"Yes?"

"Were you and daddy having a clam bake?"

The mother, astonished, looks at the little boy and says "What makes you say that?"

He replied.... "You have clam dip running down your lip."

[bigbirdbird]

It’s a Big One


A woman had gone to the gynecologist to get a check-up.

Being the 1st time the Doc examined her, he couldn't believe the size of her pussy. Not being able to help himself he shouted "Damn you have a huge pussy!!!"

Enraged, the woman left the room and went home.

As she sat at home, she wondered if the doctor were correct.

So she got a large mirror and put it on the floor so that she could look at herself.

As she was standing over the mirror, in a skirt with no underwear on, her husband walked in the door of the house from a long day of work.

Surprised, and somewhat turned on, he said "whatcha doin honey?"

She replied "Oh nothing dear, just ice skating.."

He replied "Then watch out for that big hole in the ice!!!"

[AIMgate]

So many nice jokes, thanks all!

[salmen]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

It’s a Big One


A woman had gone to the gynecologist to get a check-up.

Being the 1st time the Doc examined her, he couldn't believe the size of her pussy. Not being able to help himself he shouted "Damn you have a huge pussy!!!"

Enraged, the woman left the room and went home.

As she sat at home, she wondered if the doctor were correct.

So she got a large mirror and put it on the floor so that she could look at herself.

As she was standing over the mirror, in a skirt with no underwear on, her husband walked in the door of the house from a long day of work.

Surprised, and somewhat turned on, he said "whatcha doin honey?"

She replied "Oh nothing dear, just ice skating.."

He replied "Then watch out for that big hole in the ice!!!"

Hahahaa damn very this one

[S.B.Y.1]

*Joke of the day!*

_What is the Difference between Wife and Girlfriend?_

Great Thought in *Modified* Version....

*Wife* is like a *TV* and *Girlfriend* is like a *MOBILE.*

At home you *watch* TV,
but when you go out you *take* your MOBILE.

Sometimes you *enjoy* TV.
But most of the time, you *play* with your MOBILE.

TV is (as good as) *free* for life.
But for the MOBILE, if you don't *pay,* the services will be *terminated.*

TV is *big, bulky* and most of the time *old.*
But the MOBILE is *cute, slim, curvy* and *portable.*

Operational costs for TV is often *acceptable.*
But for the MOBILE, it is often *high* and *demanding.*

TV has a *remote.*
But MOBILE *doesn't.*

Most importantly, MOBILE is a *two-way communication* (you talk and listen)
But with the TV, you *MUST only listen* (whether you want to or not)!!!!😝

Last but not least....!
Yet TV s are superior because
TVs don't have *viruses,*
but MOBILEs often *do....!!!!*😂

And mobiles can be easily *hacked* or *stolen.*

*_Take Care._*

[oldwestham]

Nice on bro S.B.Y.1