Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[someguy]

A man comes home from a hard day at work and says to his wife: "Quick! Give me a beer before it starts." His wife annoyed at her husband drinking as soon as he reached home tolerated it and passes him a beer. 10 minutes later he says: "Quick, get me another beer before it starts." His wife, visibly pissed off but kept silent slammed a beer next to him. As soon as he finishes the beer, he says: "Quick, hand me another beer before it starts." His wife at this point exploded at the top of her lungs, screaming: "YOU DRUNK!!!! DRINKING THE MOMENT YOU REACH HOME WHILE I TAKE CARE BLAH BLAH BLAH...." The man sighed and said: "It started....."

[someguy]

The Husband Store

A brand new store has just opened in New York City that sells Husbands. When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance:

"You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any item from a particular floor or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building!"

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

The 1st floor sign reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The 2nd floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

The 3rd floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the 4th floor and The sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with Housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the 5th floor and The sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have A Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives store just across the street.

The 1st floor has wives who love sex.

The 2nd floor has wives who love sex and have money.

The 3rd through 6th floors have never been visited.

[someguy]

Climbing the ladder to Success

A man called Jeremy was walking along a street, when he saw this building with a really, really ugly lady standing outside of it. The lady was standing next to a sign which said, "Climb the ladder to success". Jeremy asked the ugly woman what the sign was about. The lady said, "You can have sex with me, or climb the ladder to success. But once you go up a floor, you cannot go down." Jeremy said that he'd climb the ladder.
So Jeremy climbed up the ladder where he found this woman (who was average looking) standing alone in a room with a bed in the corner. The woman said, "You can have sex with me or climb the ladder to success".
Jeremy decided to climb the ladder, where he found the most attractive woman he had ever seen. The woman said, "You can have sex with me or climb the ladder to success." After much thinking he decided to climb the ladder to the final floor to see what could possibly be better than this woman on the floor below.
So Jeremy reached the room where all he found was another man, standing naked. When Jeremy asked the man who he was and what he was doing here, the man replied, "Hi, I'm Ses..."

[someguy]

A woman takes a lover home during the day, while her husband is at work.

Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet.

Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she puts the lover in the closet with the little boy.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."

The man says, "Yes it is."

Boy- "I have a baseball."

Man- "That's nice."

Boy- "Want to buy it?"

Man- "No, thanks."

Boy- "My dad's outside."

Man- "OK, how much?"

Boy- "$250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.

Boy- "Dark in here."

Man- "Yes, it is."

Boy- "I have a baseball glove."

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"

Boy- "$750."

Man- "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball back and forth."

The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

The son says "$1,000."

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that shit again!

[Loserfool185]

Great jokes! Thanks to all contributors.

[FacesBook]

Thank you for sharing jokes!

[remyken]

Originally Posted by MattJB

Abu is a young Malaysian tourist on his first visit to London. He locates the red light district on the edge of Soho and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him. They sit and talk, laugh a little, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear, whereupon she gasps and runs away.

Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain Abu. They sit and talk, laugh a little, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. When he whispers in her ear, she screams, “No!” and walks away quickly.

The madam is surprised that this normal-looking man has managed to ask for something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with it. She decides to send her most experienced lady, Lola. Lola has never said no to anything; she considers it impossible that anything can surprise her. Lola approaches Abu. They sit and talk, laugh a little, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams, “YOU MUST BE JOKING, YOU MADMAN!”, smacks him hard in the face and immediately runs out of the room.

Madam is intrigued beyond tolerance by now. She’s seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel. What unspeakable act has this man been suggesting to her girls? She hasn’t done the bedroom work for a long time, but she did it for many years before she got into management.

She finds the challenge irresistible. And it’s a chance to show off to her employees, she thinks. So she goes over to him and says that she’s the best girl in the house and she is available. She sits and talks with him. They frolic a bit, laugh a bit, drink a little, and she sits on his lap. He then he leans forward and whispers in her ear:



“Can I pay in Ringgit?”

This is one of the best. I burst out laughing during meeting

[iManure]

Originally Posted by someguy

A woman takes a lover home during the day, while her husband is at work.

Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet.

Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she puts the lover in the closet with the little boy.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."

The man says, "Yes it is."

Boy- "I have a baseball."

Man- "That's nice."

Boy- "Want to buy it?"

Man- "No, thanks."

Boy- "My dad's outside."

Man- "OK, how much?"

Boy- "$250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.

Boy- "Dark in here."

Man- "Yes, it is."

Boy- "I have a baseball glove."

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"

Boy- "$750."

Man- "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball back and forth."

The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

The son says "$1,000."

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that shit again!

Hahahaa this is fucking good ..... LMAO

[someguy]

Two men waiting at the pearly gates strike up a conversation. "How'd you die?" the first man asks the second. "I froze to death," says the second. "That's awful, how does it feel to freeze to death?" says the first. "It's very uncomfortable at first, you get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How did you die?" says the second. "I had a heart attack", says the first guy. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."
The second man shakes his head. "that's so ironic" he says.
"What do you mean?" asks the first man "If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."

[someguy]

An army Captain on his tour of duty was sent to an army attachment in the far reached of the Sahara desert! As he walked thru the gates, he can't help notice a camel in the barrack. So he turn to one of the private and ask. Why is there a camel in the barrack. His reply was: Sir, the boys here used it to relieve whenever they have the urge. So the captain left it as that. 6 months passed. The captain was getting desperate. So he ordered the private! Bring the camel here! The private was puzzled. An order is an order. So he brought the camel in. The captain order: be gone and close the door after you. After the deed was done, the captain happily opened the door. Saw the private, he asked: is this how the boys do it? To which the private replied! No Sir! The boys used the camel and rides it to the nearest town to get their relieve!!!!

[someguy]

A husband went to the police station to file a "missing person" report for his missing wife:

Husband : -I lost my wife, she went shopping hasn't come back yet.

Inspector : -What is her height?
Husband : -Average, I guess.

Inspector : -Slim or healthy?.
Husband : -Not slim, but probably healthy.

Inspector : -Color of eyes?
Husband : -Never noticed.

Inspector : -Color of hair?
Husband : -Changes according to season.

Inspector : -What was she wearing?
Husband : -Not sure, either a dress or a suit.

Inspector : -Was she driving? Husband : -Yes. Inspector : -Color of the car?
Husband : -Black Audi A8 with supercharged 3.0 litre V6 engine generating 333 horse power teamed with an eight-speed tiptronic automatic transmission with manual mode. And it has full LED headlights, which use light emitting diodes for all light functions and has a very thin scratch on the front left door... and then the husband started crying...

Inspector: -Don't worry sir,...We will find your car.

[kuasimi]

[PowerNasi]

Thanks all for sharing these jokes

[pratakosong126]

Originally Posted by Loserfool185

Great jokes! Thanks to all contributors.

Will take months to finish reading all

[bigbirdbird]

Top 10 things NOT to say to parents when picking up a date.

10. "Sorry I'm a little late. I had to stop by the drugstore."

9. "Show me how you used to spank her."

8. "Please come inside? Wow, you sound just like your daughter."

7. "Do you think she would put out if I told her that I loved her?"

6. "I just got my license today."

5. "I believe being sexually active since I was 12 has helped me mature."

4. "Five bucks says she's a D-cup."

3. "Hey do you have an empty pop can and some matches?"

2. "Hi. I'm Robert, but my friends call me 'Back Door Bob.'"

1. "So, does your wife just lay there during sex too?