Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread] - Page 459

KonKam · #**6871** 19-05-2015, 06:46 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

( Click to show/hide )

Ladies, what kind of dick are you getting?

MISERABLE DICK - When the guy is extremely handsome. He says the right things and does the right things. When it comes to sex, he is lacking in this department. He sucks your tits too hard, kisses your mouth too long, stays around your neck forever. He fingers you like a GYN Doctor, licks your pussy like he's in a track meet and has a very small dick. You try to give him some head, only to find that you are actually sucking a pacifier. This is so miserable. You think, "how can a guy so fine, so polite be so weak" To top everything off ladies, how about just when in your mind you're going to try to get the best out of this, even if you have to make yourself cum, and he beats you to the punch.

DAMN TOLERABLE DICK - This is funny dick.
He eats major pussy. He eats it so good, your knees feel a little weak. It was good enough to make you shed a tear. Then he puts his dick in, just for you to realize that you cannot really feel it!! His stroke is UN-timely and non-rhythmic.You work with it by riding on it As if you were in a wild wild west film. You hold your pelvis real tight and try to visualize the last big dick you had to get your mind off this less filling dick. It's funny because in the man's mind he'll say, that we just have big pussies from having too much sex and that is why we cannot feel him. Only for them to forget that the pussy is a muscle that accommodates the size of the penis.

INTERNET DICK - Well, how would we define this type of dick?
You see, online they talk a damn good game, but you never know what to expect in person. Then you meet and you fuck and the dick is trash. They talk the bottom out of it, but HE COULD NOT MAKE YOU CUM!!!

OVERWHELMED DICK - I believe this dick ladies we all can testify to.
Whoa! This is the type of dick you misjudged. You saw some signs of weakness in this man. He always caters to you and really does not discuss what he can do in bed with you. When kissing him, you notice you make his knees weak. You hold out on giving him some and tease him. You know what size dick he has because you have either: (a) Already gave him some mean ass head, or (b) Stroked it while he was wearing pants or boxers. So, you thought in your mind, "I am going to whip him." Only to Find he laid the "SMACK DOWN" on your pussy. He had you in a figure Eight. You were so overwhelmed that you could not even speak. Your Whole pre-calculated fuck was down the drain. He had more game than you. He was like an energizer bunny that keep going and going and you kept Cumming and cumming. Now you look at him in a different light.

PUNISHABLE DICK - You see, the guy you're sleeping with punishes your Pussy. If he has a bad day at work he "punishes your pussy". If he has A bad meal, "he punishes your pussy". If he is pissed off at you, he Punishes your pussy." No matter what, he "punishes your pussy". It is easy to tell if the guy you're with falls into this category. He always uses phrases like these when he is fucking you: "DON'T RUN FROM THIS DICK", "AIN'T THIS SOME GOOD DICK?" "TELL ME YOU LIKE THIS DICK", "WHAT'S MY NAME?", "WHO'S PUSSY IS THIS?","I DON'T HEAR YOU TALKIN' SHIT NOW", "YOU LIKE IT WHEN I GET IN THIS PUSSY DON'T YA?".

GUILTY DICK - The dick you're getting from someone who is not your man. Ladies who have cheated on their man temporarily can say, "AMEN" to This type of dick. Ladies, this is the type of dick that makes you cry and Confess to your man you fucked someone else. The guilty dick made you Want to tell somebody. Guilty dick is in a class of its own. Guilty Dick will make you look and feel different about the dick you got at home. Guilty dick makes you have multiple orgasms. Makes you cry and you have No clue to why. This dick is so intense, when it is being administered It sends you into a trance. He has a slow, long stroke, sweats on you, Asks you if your comfortable about six times, you started at 6PM and it Is now going on 9PM and he is not tired and hasn't cum yet. The lips on Your pussy are so swollen that if you got outta bed they would be draggin' the ground. It hurt so good. He licks on your pussy as if he was a baby cat licking warm milk, he savors it like you're the main course meal. He smells it like fine wine. By now you're in shock and forget about your man. He has at least two inches more than your man. When you're back with your man, you're wondering why he can't perform like guilty dick. You even have the nerve to get mad and then instruct him to do what guilty dick did to you.

PLEPLEASURABLE DICK - This is good convenk. Easy dick. Dick you can call when your body needs a fix. He gives you major head like GUILTY DICK, and fucks you like GUILTY DICK. Only thing is, you do not have a man so you're not feeling guilty. Whenever you call, this dick is ready. His dick craves your pussy. This dick is available in any place at anytime.

GOTDAMN DICK - Ladies, now this is dick that will definitely send you to hell if you're not married to it. This dick is just like PLEASURABLE and GUILTY DICK. His dick is anywhere from 9.5 to 11 inches long and has the circumference of a half dollar. This dick makes you numb, cry and pray all at the same time. While he is getting it doggy style, you look towards the heavens and say, "GOTDAMN THIS IS SOME GOOD DICK".

CAP'N DICK - This is the gold mine dick. This dick is the dick that you commit yourself too. You do not cheat on it and you keep it a well kept secret. In fact, you constantly crave and feign for it. When you get this dick, you go through convulsions. This is the dick that makes you EVERREADY. You call in sick from work for it. This dick is so major it is OVERWHELMED DICK, PLEASURABLE DICK, GUILTY DICK and GOTDAMN DICK all in one. This is the dick that you want to put insurance on, just in case anything should happen to it. This dick makes you stutter while speaking and has you nervous for no reason. You lay back afterwards thinking "THIS IS HOMEWRECKIN', GOTTA TELL MY MAMA, GOTTA TELLS SOMEBODY, ANYBODY DICK"

Now ladies, which one would/do you have?

Have upped you back...cheer

xplode · #**6872** 19-05-2015, 06:48 AM

There once was an old couple who had been married for thirty years.

Every morning the old boy would wake up and give off an enormous fart, much to his long suffering wife's annoyance.

"You'll fart your guts out one of these days," she always complained.

After a particularly bad week the wife decided to have her revenge and got up early, placing some turkey giblets in the bed next to the old boy's arse.

While making breakfast downstairs she heard his usual morning fart reverberate through the floorboards followed by a scream.

Twenty minutes later a rather shaken man came downstairs.

"You was right all along Missus," the old man says, "I finally did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God, and these two fingers, I managed to push 'em back in!"

MoeLanYong · #**6873** 02-06-2015, 12:32 AM

Too good a thread to lose. Bump.

bigbirdbird · #**6874** 04-06-2015, 06:54 PM

THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY "THOMAS COOK VACATIONS" FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS:

1. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food."

2. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax."

3. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."

4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price."

5. "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room."

6. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow."

7. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallarta to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned."

8. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared."

9. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers."

10. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun."

12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair."

13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller."

14. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort.' We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service."

15. "When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners."

16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning."

17. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

18. "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes."

19. "My fiancée and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."

bigbirdbird · #**6875** 04-06-2015, 06:55 PM

New Confucius Says...

- Girl laid in tomb may soon become mummy.

- Girl who douches with vinegar, walks around with sour pussy.

- Girl who marry detective must kiss dick.

- Girl with back to fire warming whole of her body.

- He who eats ice cream in car is a Sundae Driver

- He who keeps both feet planted firmly on ground, have trouble getting pants off.

- He who masturbates in front of cash register come into money.

- He who puts face in punch bowl get punch in nose.

- If you turn an oriental around, he become disoriented.

- Is good to learn how to masturbate, may come in handy!

- It takes many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

- It's OK to meet girl in park, much better to park meat in girl!

- Keeping it in family sure sound incestuous.

- Man and mouse alike, both end up in pussy.

- Man who eats photo of father, soon spitting image of father.

- Man who masturbate only screwing himself

- Man who sink into woman's arms soon have arms in woman's sink.

- Man who sneezes without hanky takes matters into his own hands.

- Woman run faster with skirt up, than Man with pants down.

- Woman with cold hands have fire under skirt.

- Man with diarrhea in Las Vegas likes craps.

- Woman who say she's dating lawyer is blowing hot air.

- Blind man lose track of wife in fish market.

- Man who shit in pick-up now have dump truck.

"He who stick head in open window get pane in neck."

"He who stick head in oven get baked bean."

"Hockey player on ice have big stick."

"House without toilet, uncanny."

"If you want pretty nurse, you got to be patient."

"Man kicked in testicles, left holding bag."

"Man who abuse his computer get bad bytes!"

"Man who drive like hell bound to get there!"

"Man who drop watch in whisky is wasting time."

"Man fall in vat of molten glass make spectacle of self."

"Man who have circumcision lose a bit of foresight."

"Man who jump off cliff jump to conclusion!"

"Man who masturbate only screwing self."

"Man who put cock on stove have hot rod."

"Man who sit on hot stove will rise again."

"Man who sit on tack get point!"

"Man who sleep in cat house by day, in doghouse by night"

"Man who sucks nipples makes clean breast of things."

"Man with forked tongue not need chop sticks."

"Man with hand in bush not necessarily trimming shrubs."

"Squirrel who runs up woman's leg not find nuts."

"Woman who put detergent on top shelf, Jump for Joy."

"Woman who wear G-string, high on crack!

bigbirdbird · #**6876** 04-06-2015, 06:55 PM

I was at my bank today; there was a short line. Front of me, an Asian lady was trying to exchange yen for dollars.
It was obvious she was very irritated ...

She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla of yen. Today I only get hunat eighty?

Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said,

"Fluctuations."

The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too!"

bigbirdbird · #**6877** 22-06-2015, 06:47 PM

A window cleaner goes to a monastery looking for work. The Abbot hires him but tells him to clean all the windows except the top three.

So the window cleaner cleans all the windows except the top three for years and years until curiosity finally gets the better of him. He puts his ladder up against the first of the three windows and looks in. he sees 12 monks with their robes up and their cocks lying on a table with a mouse running around on top of the table.

The window cleaner goes down the ladder moves to the second window and looks in. There he sees a beautiful woman and a monk in bed screwing like mad.

The window cleaner goes down the ladder and puts it up against the third window. He looks in and sees a monk tied up, stripped to the waist being flogged.

He climbs down the ladder, but when he gets to the bottom the Abbot is waiting for him. The window cleaner says, "Look, I know your going to fire me, but please, at least tell me what is going on up there."

"Well," says the Abbot, "in the first window you saw a competition to see which is the lucky monk. Wherever the mouse stops is the lucky monk. And in the second window you saw a monk with the prize."

"But what about the third window?" the window cleaner asks.

"Well," says the Abbot, "that monk was caught with a piece of cheese in his foreskin."

bigbirdbird · #**6878** 22-06-2015, 06:48 PM

MEN.....

What's the difference between a man and a condom?
Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive.

What do UFOs and caring men have in common?
You keep hearing about them but you never see any for yourself.

Why is sex like a game of cards?
Because if you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

What's the difference between a man and a bottle of whisky? Whisky
improves with age.

Why does a man have a clear conscience?
Because it is unused.

What do you call a man who has suddenly lost 98 percent of his brain?
Divorced.

What are the three types of men?
The handsome, the caring and the majority.

What's a man's ultimate embarrassment?
Walking into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.

The Xbuffoon made me promise that I wouldn't say that that actually
happened to him, so I won't tell you.

What is a man?
A life-support machine for a penis.

What's the nicest thing about a nudist wedding?
You don't have to ask - you can see who the best man is.

I wanna be first to kiss the bride, no me, no me........

What should you do if your boyfriend starts smoking?
Slow down.

Why do men find it hard to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

bigbirdbird · #**6879** 22-06-2015, 06:49 PM

MEN'S THOUGHTS DURING LOVE MAKING

Kissing/Light Petting

What he hopes you're thinking: "Oh, I can't resist: I'm powerless before your seductive ways!"

What he's afraid you're thinking: "Garlic breath--ewwww!"

Undressing

What he hopes you're thinking: "My God, look at the SIZE of that!"

What he's afraid you're thinking: "My God, look at the size of that!"

Foreplay/Oral Sex

What he hopes you're thinking: "I could worship at the alter of your impressive manhood for hours."

What he's afraid you're thinking: "If he doesn't warn me before he cums, I'm going to kill him."

Penetration

What he hopes you're thinking: "You stallion, you're splitting me in half!"

What he's afraid you're thinking: "Is it in yet?"

Your Orgasm

What he hopes you're thinking: "Yes, (his name here), yes!"

What he's afraid you're thinking: "I deserve an Academy Award for this performance."
What he's even more afraid you're thinking: "Yes, (other guy's name here), yes!"

Postcoital Bliss

What he hopes you're thinking: "Now I know what an earthquake feels like."

What he's afraid you're thinking: "Maybe I should let my lesbian friend Sue take me to that females-only dance club after all."

bigbirdbird · #**6880** 22-06-2015, 06:50 PM

In his office, a teacher of English Literature is correcting a batch
of his students' exams. He comes upon a student who has written the
right answer on every single question, except the final, terribly
simple one, to which she entered a seemingly incongruous answer:

List four works of William Shakespeare:
Answer: 3, 6, 9, 12

The teacher, being otherwise impressed by this student's overall
performance, asks her to come to his office to discuss the answer.

"I didn't have any time left at the end of the exam to write the
complete answer to that question, so I had to jot down one of the
ways we ladies remember...

3 is for 3 inches,
'Much ado about nothing'

6 is for 6 inches,
'As you like it'

9 is for 9 inches,
'A Midsummer Night's Dream'

and 12 is for 12 inches,
'The Taming of the Shrew

S.B.Y.1 · #**6881** 26-06-2015, 04:37 PM

Johan, a 'young' Malaysian tourist on his first visit to London, locates the red light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain the client.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away!

Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap.
He whispers in her ear and she screams, "No!" and walks away quickly.

The madam is surprised that this ordinary-looking man has asked for something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with it. She decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola, will do. Lola looks a bit tired, but she has never said no and it doesn't seem likely that anything would surprise her. So the madam sends her over to Johan. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams, "NO WAY, BUDDY!", smacks him as hard as she can, and literally runs away too!

Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel. She hasn't done the bedroom work herself for a long time, but she did it for many years before she got into management. She's sure she has said yes at one time or another to everything a man could possibly ask for. The challenge is irresistible.

She just has to find out what this man wants that has made her girls so angry. And she sees a chance she can't pass up to show off to her employees how good she was at what they do. So she goes over to Johan and says that she's the best in the house and she, herself, is available.

She sits and talks with him. They frolic a bit,giggle a bit, drink a
little, and she sits in his lap. And then Johan leans forward and
whispers in her ear ..

"CAN I PAY IN MALAYSIAN RINGGIT?"