Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[bigbirdbird]

Alternative ways to say no :

I'd rather have my nipples chewed off...by a pack of wild dogs.

I'd rather suck the snot out of a gorilla's nose...until the back of his head caves in!

I'd rather masturbate with a cheese grater.

I'd rather slide down a barbed wire banister into a bucket of alcohol.

I would rather stick my genitals in a bees nest.

I would rather crush my foreskin between two tables while being bitch whipped by a fat, mustached geek named Spyros.

I would rather have a porcupine inserted violently into my rectum.

I'd rather drink a gallon of turpentine...and piss on a forest fire.

I'd rather suck cow snot...through a straw.

I would rather sandpaper a wildcat's ass.

I'd rather watch Rosie O'Donnell and Roseanne mud wrestle... in the nude.

I'd rather bungee jump...with the harness tied to my penis...with your mom lying naked in the landing zone.

I would rather dry fuck a polar bear....in a phone booth.

I would rather spend ten hours getting a tattoo on my back...and then find out it's the wrong one.

I'd rather cram my dick in the ass of a bear with inflamed hemorrhoids.

I'd rather have the ten strongest 300 pound linemen in the NFL play tug of war with my nut sack....each side of 5 pulling a separate nut in a different direction.

I would rather try to open a beer bottle with my sphincter....and not a twist off either.

I would rather have my lower legs stripped with a wood planer...and then wear wool socks...in August.

I'd rather stick my nose up someone's ass...after he just finished taking a shit.

I'd rather shave my poison-ivy covered legs ... with a dull barber's razor...and no water or soap.

I'd rather french kiss a barracuda.

I'd rather poke a Grizzly Bear in the ass...with a short stick.

I'd rather butt fuck a rattlesnake... in a phone booth.

I'd rather nail my dick to the middle of a 2x4 and set both ends on fire...and try to get loose with a butter knife.

I'd rather stick a Hartz flea brush up my ass...and jog a mile.

I would rather have sex with Pee Wee Herman in the daylight, without a bag to put over his head.

I'd rather drink for a week from the septic tank...of the 700 pound man next door.

I'd rather wipe my anus with barbed wire.

I'd rather insert and break a slender glass rod in my penis... then tie it in a knot.

I'd rather lick an elephant's asshole...after he had just dropped a load of steaming diarrhea.

I'd rather run naked through a rosebush garden...then jump into a pool filled with chlorine.

l would rather lie under an elephant with diarrhea...in August...with my mouth propped open.

I'd rather ride a donkey naked through the desert...with snapping turtles attached to my nipples.

I'd rather be tied to a chair...and forced to listen to Barry Manilow tunes..while having my tonsils removed with a rusty spoon.

[bigbirdbird]

An attractive lady is waiting in the emergency room.

A doctor walks in to her room and asks her "What is the problem ma'am?"

The lady replies," Doctor, I have been having trouble with my asshole, it hurts really bad."

The doctor tells the woman, "Why don't you lay on your stomach so I can take a look at it, OK?"

So, the woman turns over and the doctor begins to examine her rear end.

After a while, the doctor asks the young lady, "Ma'am, have you had anal sex lately?"

The lady replies, "No, why?"

The doctor then says, "Would you like to?"

[bigbirdbird]

An old man went in to see the doctor and said, "Doc, I'm turning eighty tomorrow and I don't know how many more years I have left.

My good wife died ten years ago and I've had no sex at all since then. I'd love to experience sex one more time before I die so I've hired a hooker for the night. Can you give me something that'll help me get it up?"

The doctor smiled. "I don't normally prescribe this stuff as it's extremely potent, but I think in your case I can make an exception for one night."

Later that night, out of curiosity, the doctor phoned the elderly man and asked, "How's it going?"

"Fabulous," the old man said. "I've come three times already."

"That's great," the doctor said. "The hooker must be astounded."

"Not exactly," the old man said. "She's not here yet!"

[bigbirdbird]

An old and favored servant of two maiden ladies had been frequently reprimanded by them for his free behavior with the female servants.

Caught one day in 'flagrante delicto,' he was summoned to their presence, and while the girl was sacked, he was told that if he did not do better and turn over a new leaf, much as they valued him--his next escapade would be his last.

He promised amendment and matters went on very well for a time.

One evening, he was not to be found when wanted, and, on a search being made, was discovered in the beer cellar, buggering the page boy.

"How now," he was asked, "is this your amendment? You promised to turn over a new leaf."

"So I have" said he, "only I have begun at the 'bottom of the page!'"

[bigbirdbird]

AN ODE TO ORAL SEX


FOR THE GIRLS

Penis breath, a lover's dread,
Is what you get when you give head.
Unpleasant as it tends to be,
Be grateful that he doesn't pee.

It's times like this, you wonder why,
You bothered reaching for his fly.
But it's too late, can't be a tease,
Accept the facts, get on your knees.

You know you've got a job to do,
So open wide and shove it through,
Lick the tip then take it all.
Don't drag your teeth or he might bawl.

Slide up and down, use your tongue.
And feel the precum start to run,
Your jaw it aches, your neck is numb,
So when the hell's he gonna cum?

Just, when you can't take anymore,
You hear your lover's mighty roar.
And when he hits that real high note,
You feel it oozing down your throat.


FOR THE BOYS

Salty, fishy, sticky stuff,
Okay already, that's enough.
Let's switch you say, before you gag,
And what revenge, you're on the rag!

Eating out and chowing down,
but tonight I'm not out on the town.
Tonight I'm served a seafood dish,
well at the least it tastes like fish.

Time to overcome my fears,
as she drags me down there by my ears,
to feast upon her hairy pie,
where pubes and stubble jab my eye.

She lies back and moans and then softly sighs,
I cant help thinking about scampi & fries.
Don't lick too low, move up a bit,
got to be careful or I'm in the shit.

Nibble, lick, caress and stroke,
the things I do just for a poke.
Up, down and right a bit,
where the hell does she keep her clit?

I'll never find it here like this,
fanny design just takes the piss.
To find my way around her twat,
I'll need a torch and miners hat.

I think my tongue is failing me,
Christ I hope she doesn't pee.
I've been licking her minge for years.
I wish I could breathe through my ears.

God I hope that she comes quick,
since my neck's developing a crick.
I'm sweating like I've got a fever,
under the covers, eating split beaver,

I must have hit the right spot at last,
cos' her screams are gaining volume fast,
her thighs clamp tight around my head,
and her screams scare the neighbours out of their bed.

She's coming at last and making a racket,
her thighs crushing my head like a discarded fag packet.
I'm choking and spluttering but she doesn't care,
that my mouth is full of fish flavoured hair.

And that my face is smothered in thick fanny batter
and juices that taste like a seafood platter.
But she thinks it's funny, and starts taking the piss,
but she soon stops her laughing, when I move in for a kiss.

[bigbirdbird]

Mr Brit went to the local National Health clinic and asked for an AIDS test & some condoms. The receptionist told him to take a seat and a doctor would be with him shortly. After a few minutes, he was called through to an examining room. "Right," said the doctor, "I have a few questions for you. Firstly, how many partners of the same sex have you had in the last 6 months?"

"What?" He shouted, "How dare you assume that I'm gay. You know what, the hell with the test; I was just being cautious: You never know what women have got these days! Just give me the condoms."

"OK sir," he replied. "No offense meant. But before we give out condoms for the first time, it's our duty to make sure you know how to use them. Here's a model penis, can you just show me how you put one on please".

"Sure," he said. "With or without using my mouth?"

[bigbirdbird]

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and goes down to the docks for old times sake.

He hires a prostitute, takes her up to a room and goes at it as best as he can for a guy his age.

After a couple of minutes he asks, "How am I doing?"

The prostitute replies, "Well sailor, you're doing about three knots."

"Three knots?" He asks. "What's that supposed to mean?"

She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in and you're knot getting your money back."

[bigbirdbird]

Answers Men Would Like to Give to Woman's Stupid Questions, But Never Will

1. No we can't be friends; I just want you for sex.

2. The dress doesn't make you look fat, its all that fucking ice cream and chocolate you eat that makes you look fat.

3. You've got no chance of me calling you.

4. No, I won't be gentle.

5. Of course you have to swallow.

6. Well yes actually, I do this all the time.

7. I hate your friends.

8. I have every intention of using you, and no intention of speaking to you after tonight.

9. I'd rather watch a porno.

[bigbirdbird]

An Essex girl (blonde) is crossing the road, when she gets hit by an XR3. As she is lying on the ground, the driver, Dave, rushes out of the car to see if she is alright.

"I'm so sorry luv! I just didn't see ya. Are ya OK?" he blurts out.

"Everyfink is just a blur, I can't see a fing" she says, tearfully.

Concerned, the man leans over the woman to test her eyesight. He asks, "How many fingers have I got up?"

"Ah fuckin' 'ell NO!" she screams. "Don't tell me I'm paralyzed from the waist down an all!!!"

[orang_jawa]

A wife treats her man by taking him to a Strip Club for his birthday... At The Club, The Doorman Says, "Hey Johnny, How are You?" The wife asks, "How does he know you? Johnny says, "Oh dear, I play football with him." Inside the Bartender Says, "The Usual, Johnny?" Johnny says to Wife, "Before you say anything, He's on the Darts Team." Next a stripper Says, "Hi Johnny! Do You Crave the Special Again??" The wife storms out dragging Johnny with her & jumps into a taxi... The Taxi driver Says, "Hey Johnny Boy! You picked up an ugly one this time...."

[bigbirdbird]

What Johnny Wanted For Christmas

Little Johnny had been waiting in a long line to sit on the department store
Santa's lap when he finally gets his turn at it and climbs up.

Santa say to little Johnny, touching the little boy on the nose with his
Finger, "I'll bet you'd like a puppy for Christmas."

Johnny shakes his head, "No."

Santa touches the little Johnny's nose with his finger again, "Well, then
I'll bet you'd like a kitten for Christmas."

Johnny again shakes his head, "No..."

The department store Santa then asked, "Well then, what would you like for
Christmas, little boy?"

Johnny replies with a big grin, "I want some pussy!!!"

Santa, startled and almost speechless, stutters, "Well, I don't have any of
That!?!?"

Little Johnny, touching Saint Nick on nose, answers back smiling, "Yes you
Do, because I can smell it on your finger!"

[bigbirdbird]

Texting codes for seniors

Young people have theirs,
now Seniors have their own texting codes:

* ATD- At the Doctor's

* BFF - Best Friends Funeral

* BTW- Bring the Wheelchair

* BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth

* CBM- Covered by Medicare

* CUATSC- See You at the Senior Center

* DWI- Driving While Incontinent

* FWIW - Forgot Where I Was

* GGPBL- Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low

* GHA - Got Heartburn Again

* HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement

* LMDO- Laughing My Dentures Out

* LOL- Living on Lipitor

* OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas

* TOT- Texting on Toilet

* WAITT - Who Am I Talking To?


Hope these help. GGLKI (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking in!)

[dingdong11]

A life-long city man, tired of the rat race, decided he was going to give up the city life, move to the country, and become a chicken farmer. He found a nice, used chicken farm, which he bought. Turns out that his next door neighbor was also a chicken farmer. The neighbor came for a visit one day and said, "Chicken farming isn't easy. Tell you what. To help you get started, I'll give you 100 chickens."

The new chicken farmer was thrilled. Two weeks later the new neighbor stopped by to see how things were going. The new farmer said, "Not too good. All 100 chickens died."

The neighbor said, "Oh, I can't believe that. I've never had any trouble with my chickens. I'll give you 100 more."

Another two weeks went by, and the neighbor stops in again. The new farmer says, "You're not going to believe this, but the second 100 chickens died too."

Astounded, the neighbor asked, "what went wrong? What did you do to them?"

Well, says the new farmer, "I'm not sure whether I'm planting them too deep or not far apart enough."

[dingdong11]

A police car pulled up in front of grandma Bessie's house, and grandpa got out. The polite policeman explained that the elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park and couldn't find his way home.

"Morris," said grandma, "You've been going to that park for over 30 years! How come you get lost today?"

Leaning close to grandma, so that the policeman couldn't hear, grandpa whispered, "I wasn't lost. I was just too tired to walk home.

[dingdong11]

A minister was planning a wedding at the close of the Sunday morning service.

After the benediction he had planned to call the couple down to be married for a brief ceremony before the congregation.

For the life of him, he couldn't think of the names of those who were to be married.

"Will those wanting to get married please come to the front?" he requested.

Immediately, nine single ladies, three widows, four widowers, and six single men stepped to the front.