Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[bigbirdbird]

Wonderful English from Around the World


In a Bangkok Temple :

IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER,

IF DRESSED AS A MAN.

Cocktail lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

Doctor's office, Rome :
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Dry cleaners, Bangkok :
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.

In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE,

OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

On the main road to Mombasa , leaving Nairobi :
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER,

THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

On a poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP.

In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.

In a Cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS,

FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES ...

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE, OR DO OTHER

DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.

On the menu of a Swiss Restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

In a Tokyo Bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

Hotel, Yugoslavia:
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE, IS THE JOB

OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

Hotel, Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

In the lobby of a Moscow Hotel, across from a Russian Orthodox Monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY, WHERE FAMOUS

RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE

BURIED DAILY, EXCEPT THURSDAY.

A sign posted in Germany 's Black Forest :
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE,

THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN,

LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT, UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH

EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE..

Hotel, Zurich :
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF

THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT

THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand :
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen :
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

A Laundry in Rome :

LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND THEN SPEND

THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.



Seen in an Abu Dhabi Souk shop window :

IF THE FRONT IS CLOSED PLEASE ENTER THROUGH MY BACKSIDE…

[cuntcum]

nice reading, support

[bigbirdbird]

10 Reasons Why Sex Is Better Than School

1. Everybody likes sex and nobody likes school, except for virgins and only because they haven't had sex yet.

2. Sex sucks, moans, licks, pumps, throbs etc..., school just sucks.

3. After sex you feel like smoking a cigarette. After school you feel like smoking something a whole lot stronger.

4. You get disciplined during sex only if you want to.

5. Drinking drives people to sex, whereas school drives people to drink.

6. Sex relieves stress, school is the cause of stress.

7. Nothing beats the "hands on" experience you get with sex.

8. After sex you feel like you have accomplished something.

9. Sex is cheaper. Even if you have to pay for a hooker, it is still cheaper than paying thousands of dollars in tuition.

10. At least you have a choice whether or not you want to have sex. At school your teachers screw you regardless

[bigbirdbird]

A woman goes to her doctor, complaining that her husband is 300% impotent.

The doctor says, "I'm not sure I understand what you mean."

She says, "Well, the first 100% you can guess. In addition, he burned his tongue and broke his finger."

[bigbirdbird]

A beautiful, young lady about 21 went to a doctor and asked for a check-up.

The doctor claimed that he had to use a thermometer for the check-up. So the doctor asked her, "Where shall I put the thermometer?"

The girl replied, "...uh ...not in my mouth, Doc. I might swallow it."

"Okay...let's try your armpit." the doctor suggested.

"Well, it might tickle me, Doc. How about my butt?" the girl queried.

"Okay then," so he put the thing in the girls butt.

Later, the girl while giggling exclaimed, "that's not my butt, Doc!"

The doctor replied, "That's okay dear... it's not the thermometer, either."

[luvmenot]

thanks for sharing!

[TGIFriday]

Iphone vs Android

Three Iphone engineers and three Android engineers are about to board a train to a computer conference. The Android engineers notice that the Iphone engineers bought only one ticket between them. The Android engineers ask the Iphone engineers how they plan on getting to the conference. "Watch and learn," one of the Iphone engineers tells them.

As soon as the train leaves the station, the three Iphone engineers rush from their seats and all squeeze into one restroom. When the conductor comes through the car he knocks on the restroom door and says "ticket please!" The door opens a crack and the one ticket is handed to the conductor. The Android engineers are impressed, and decide that's what they will do on the trip back.

Then on the return trip, the Android engineers notice that the Iphone engineers haven't bought any tickets. "How do you plan on getting home without any tickets?" they ask. "Watch and learn," one of the Iphone engineers tells them.

As soon as the train leaves the station, the three Android engineers hurry for the restroom. A few moments later, one of the Iphone engineers gets up from his seat, knocks on the restroom door and says, "ticket please!"

[TGIFriday]

Iphone Pick Up Lines

Did you know my iphone is also a remote control? Lets go somewhere remote and you can have control.

Baby, if you were an iPhone 5s, I would tap you all day!

I AM happy to see you but thats just an iphone in my pocket.

Is your dad a thief? Because if he is, Ill keep my new iphone hidden when you introduce him to me next Saturday.

I think I need to call Heaven on my new iphone because they lost one of their angels.

How much does your iphone weigh? Enough to break the ice.

Excuse me, did you just call me on my iphone? Then I guess it wasnt my phone that was vibrating in my pocket.

Im no Fred Flintstone, but I can make your bed rock. Plus I have an iphone!

If I could rearrange the alphabet, Id put u and iphone together.

Hey baby. iphone you tomorrow?

Hi. My friend over there bet you wouldnt let me google you on our first date. So what do you say? Ill buy you a drink. You can even google me back. My iphone battery is big and strong and fully charged up, so we could google all night.

[TGIFriday]

iPhone One Liners

We live in a world where losing your iPhone is more dramatic than losing your virginity.

You traded in your iPhone 4s for an extra half inch? Hope your girlfriend doesn't do the same.

My boyfriend is like an iPhone 5s. I don’t have an iPhone 5s.

Dear Internet advertisements, no I don't want to shoot the birds to win an iPad or iPhone. Sincerely, everyone.

I just turned my brightness all the way up on the iPhone & got a nice little tan.

Phones, Tablets, Clouds, TVs, if Apple made a car, would it have windows?

Eight year olds have an iPhone, an iPod, an iPad and a MacBook. When I was 8, I felt cool with my new markers.

I don't know why everyone wants a white iPhone, everyone knows the black ones run faster.

Always be aware that there are those who are less fortunate. I mean, there are probably kids in Africa who still use an iPhone 4.

The next iPhone better have the middle finger emoji so I can start using it instead of "K"

I think my iPhone is broken....I pushed the home button and I'm still at school.

I want an iPhone with BBM and a Nokia Battery.

Whenever I delete an app on my iPhone, the shaking icons make me feel like they're panicking over who's next to go.

[TGIFriday]

Better at Sex
There were two men, one was a Diamondbacks fan and the other was a Phillies fan.
These men were both madly in love with the same woman. So the woman challenged that whichever man does a better job at having sex with her would be her boyfriend.
Both men accepted the challenge.
That night, the woman had sex with the Diamondbacks fan and then the other night had sex with the Phillies fan. The next day the woman chose the Phillies fan to be her boyfriend.
Shocked and outraged, the Diamondbacks fan asked why she didn't choose him.
She replied by saying, "You, like your team not only come up short but always finish early!"

[TGIFriday]

Career Day
It's career day in elementry school where each student talks about what their dad does. Little Johnny is last, and finally the teacher calls on him to talk about his dad. Johnny comes to the front of the class.
'My daddy is a dancer at a gay bar. He takes off his clothes for other men, and if they pay him enough money, he goes into the alley and performs sex acts on them.'
The teacher is shocked, and she calls for an early recess for the rest of the class. She sits down with Johnny and asks him if this is really true about his dad.
Johnny says; 'No, but I was too embarrassed to say he played for the Arizona Diamondbacks.'

[TGIFriday]

First Grade
A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a Arizona Diamondbacks fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they were Diamondbacks fans, too.
Not really knowing what a Diamondbacks fan was, but wanting to be like their teacher, hands explode into the air. There is, however, one exception. A girl named Mary has not gone along with the crowd.
The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. "Because I'm not a Diamondbacks fan."
"Then," asks the teacher, "what are you?"
"Why I'm proud to be a New York Yankees fan.", boasts the little girl.
The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Mary why she is a Yankees fan.
"Well, My Dad and Mom are Yankees fans, and I'm a Yankees fan, too!"
The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron, What would you be then?"
A pause, and a smile. "Then," says Mary, "I'd be a Diamondbacks fan."

[TGIFriday]

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said,
"DAMN! That's the ugliest fuckin' baby I've EVER seen!"
In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an
aisle seat near the rear of the bus. She fumed for a few stops and
started getting really worked up. The man seated next to her sensed
that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.
"The bus driver insulted me!" she fumed.
The man sympathized and said, "Hey! He's a public servant and he
shouldn't say things to insult the passengers."
"You're right!" she said. "I think I'll go back up there and
give him a piece of my mind."
"That's a good idea," the man said.
"Here, let me hold your monkey!"

[TGIFriday]

Doctors Office
There was a girl that came into the doctors office.
Then awed by her beauty all his professionalism goes right out the window.
He tells her to take her pants off , then he starts to rub her thighs, he asked her "Do you know what I am doing?"
She replied "Yes your checking for abnorbilities."
Then he tell her to take of her bra and shirt and he rubs her boobs and asks her "Do you know what I am doing?"
She says yes checking for cancer.
Then he takes off her panties and starts having sex with her . Then he asks "Do you know what i am doing?"
She said "Yep getting HIV that's why I came here

[TGIFriday]

Nude Beach
Two parents take their son on a vacation to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water.
The son comes running up to his mom and says..."Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!" The mom says..."the bigger they are, the dumber they are."
So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says..."Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy's!" The mom says..."the bigger they are, the dumber they are."
So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says..."Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got !"