Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[ET@Home]

There's these two Newfies who go hunting in the back woods of Newfoundland. They're walking all around the Rock, when one of them realizes something. "Johnny, my b'y. I do believe we're lost." "I think you're right, Billy my son. You know, I hear the international distress signal for being lost in the bush is to fire three shots in the air." So Billy fires three shots, and they wait. And they wait some more, but nobody's there, so they walk around some more. An hour later, they're still lost. "Hey Billy, my cod, we're still lost. Why don't you try that three shots thing again." "Sounds like a fine idea, my b'y." So he tries it again, but still nobody's coming for them, so they walk around some more. Soon the Sun starts to set, and they know they're going to have to make camp. "Hey Billy, before we make camp, why don't you try that three shots thing one more time?" "I'm sorry, Johnny, but I can't do that." "Why not, Billy?" "I'm out of arrows."

[ET@Home]

A Mexican, an American, and a Canadian were stranded on a desert island after their ship sank in a storm. A few weeks had passed when a strange bottle washed ashore. The Indian picked it up and rubbed the sand off its surface. Suddenly there was a flash and a large genie appeared before them. The genie granted each man one wish. "Oh, please," said the Mexican, "I miss my family so much, I want to go home to Mexico!" In an instant he was gone. "I miss my office; I want to go back to New York City!" the American pleaded. In a flash he too disappeared. There stood the Canadian, alone with the genie. "Gosh, it sure is lonely around here," the Canadian said."I wish I had my two friends back!"

[ET@Home]

There was an old country sheriff who always said, "It could have been worse." No matter what happened, the old sheriff always had the same answer: "It could have been worse." One day, two deputies in the sheriff's office answered an emergency call at a farmhouse. When they walked in, they found the nude bodies of a man and a woman in the bedroom. They had been shot to death. When they went to the living room, they found the body of a man with a gun at his side. "No doubt about it," one deputy said to the other. "This was a double murder and suicide. This guy came home and found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot himself." "You're right," the other deputy replied. "Double murder and suicide. But I'll bet you when the sheriff gets here he's going to say "it could have been worse." "No way. How could it be worse? There are three people in the house, and all of them have been shot to death. It couldn't be worse. You're on." About that time, the old sheriff arrived at the scene. He walked into the bedroom and saw the two nude bodies. He then walked into the living room and saw the man on the floor with the gun by his side. "No doubt about it," the sheriff said, shaking his head. "It was a double murder and suicide. This guy came home and found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot himself." After hesitating for a moment, the old sheriff looked his deputies squarely in the eyes. "But, you know," he said, "it could have been worse." The deputy who had lost the bet jumped up and shouted, "Sheriff, how could it have been worse? There are three people in this farm-house, and all three of them are dead. It couldn't have been worse!" "Yes it could," the sheriff retorted. "You see that guy there on the floor? If he had come home yesterday, that would be me in there in that bed."

[ET@Home]

Two drunks are driving down the highway drinking beer. All of a sudden they see a police car's lights flashing in the rear view mirror. "What are we going to do?" asks the drunk passenger. "Don't worry, I know what to do. Peel the label off your bottle and stick it to your forehead. Let me do all the talking.� They pull over and the cop gets out. "May I see your license and registration?" he asks. The guy gives him his license. "Have you been drinking?" "No officer. We haven't." "Well, you were weaving back and forth. Are you sure you haven't had anything to drink?" The officer asked. "I swear officer. I haven't had a sip." "Well why do you have beer labels on your foreheads?" The man answers, "These aren't labels. We are alcoholics, and we're on the patch."

[DreamOfLust]

Originally Posted by ET@Home

A Mexican, an American, and a Canadian were stranded on a desert island after their ship sank in a storm. A few weeks had passed when a strange bottle washed ashore. The Indian picked it up and rubbed the sand off its surface. Suddenly there was a flash and a large genie appeared before them. The genie granted each man one wish. "Oh, please," said the Mexican, "I miss my family so much, I want to go home to Mexico!" In an instant he was gone. "I miss my office; I want to go back to New York City!" the American pleaded. In a flash he too disappeared. There stood the Canadian, alone with the genie. "Gosh, it sure is lonely around here," the Canadian said."I wish I had my two friends back!"

dude... where did the INDIAN come FROM !?!?!?

[Tamarai]

thank you all for sharing such nice jokes.

[bigbirdbird]

I LOVE MY JOB

This is even funnier when you realize it's real!

Next time you have a bad day at work think of this guy.

Bob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana

He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.

Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.5 on FM dial in Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest.

Needless to say, she won. Read his letter below.


~Hi Sue,

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.


Last week I had a bad day at the office.

I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all.

Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.

Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit.

This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it.

This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my ass started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it, however, the crack of my ass was not as fortunate.
When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my ass.

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say, I aborted the dive..

I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't shit for two days because my ass was swollen shut.

So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your ass. Now repeat to yourself, 'I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.'
Whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?

May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day! !!!!

Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.

Regards,
bigbirdbird

[keewee]

thanks for sharing great jokes

[dingdong11]

A man shoots a deer and serves it for dinner.
He doesn't tell the kids what the meal is, instead gives them one clue......
"it's what your Mother calls me."
The boy jumps up and says "Don't eat it!...it's an ASSHOLE!"

[GlimpseNglance]

These are so funny...I'm contributing one as well

Tarzan and Jane

Researcher Jane was assigned to go deep into the jungles of Amazon to observe Tarzan for a year. 3 months into the study, she found Tarzan relieving his sexual needs using tree holes. Tarzan's masculine actions overwhelmed Jane and got her horny. So she striped herself naked, appeared in front of Tarzan, lied on the grass and opened her legs wide.

Tarzan looked at the naked Jane, got excited and gave his trademark howl "Orr eeee orrr eeee orrr!!!"
Jane closed her eyes in anticipation of wild pleasure but Tarzan took a step back and gave Jane a vicious kick in her crotch. "Aww!" Jane let out a painful gasp "what the f*** did you kick me for??!!"

Tarzan replied "Always check for squirrels"

[nuclearkid]

George Phillips, an elderly man, from Walled Lake, Michigan, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked “Is someone in your house?”

He said “No, but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.”

Then the police dispatcher said “All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available.”

George said, “Okay.”

He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.

“Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both, the dogs are eating them right now.” and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police cars, a SWAT Team, a helicopter, two fire trucks, a paramedic, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips’ residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to George, “I thought you said that you’d shot them!”

George said, “I thought you said there was nobody available!”

[nuclearkid]

This story occurred on Melbourne radio some time ago. One of the FM stations has a competition where they ring someone up, ask them three personal questions, ring their spouse or partner, ask them the same three
questions, if the answers are the same, the couple win an overseas holiday. Last week the competition went like this:

Presenter: Hey its XXX-FM, do you want to play the game ?
Brian:Yeah, sure.
Presenter: O.K., Question 1 - When was the last time you had sex?
Brian: Ha Ha, well, about 8 o'clock this morning.
Presenter: And how long did it go for Brian ?
Brian: Hmmmmm .... about 10 minutes.
Presenter: 10 minutes? Good one. And where did you do it?
Brian: Ohhhh , I can't say that.
Presenter: There's a holiday to Bali at stake here Brian !
Brian: O.K. ... O.K. ... On the kitchen table.
Presenter: (and others in the room - much laughter).
Good one Brian, now is it O.K. for us to call your wife ?
Brian: Yeah, alright.

Presenter: Hi Sharelle, how are you ?
Sharelle: Hi. Good thanks.
Presenter: (Explains competition again)
We've got Brian on the other line, say hello.
Sharelle: Hi Brian.
Brian: Hi Sharelle.
Presenter: Now Sharelle, we're going to ask you the same three questions we asked Brian and if you give the same answers, you win a trip for two to Bali.
Brian: Just tell the truth Honey.
Sharelle: O.K.
Presenter: Sharelle, when was the last time you had sex?
Sharelle: Oohhhh, noooooo. I can't say that on radio.
Brian: Sharelle, it doesn't matter. I've already told them.
Sharelle: O.K. ... About 8:00 this morning before Brian went to work.
Presenter: Good, nice start ! Next question. How long did it go for Sharelle?
Sharelle: (giggling) About 12, maybe 15 minutes.
Co-Presenter: That's close enough ... Brian was just being a gentleman.
Presenter: O.K. Sharelle, final question. Where did you do it?
Sharelle: Oh no I can't say that. My mum could be listening. No way, no.
Presenter: There's a trip to Bali on the line here.
Brian: Sharelle, I've already told them so it doesn't matter anyway..just tell em.
Sharelle: Ohhhh .... alright .... Up the ass!

Radio Silence

Ad.

[dingdong11]

One day a young boy ran crying to his mother and rubbing his behind. His mother said, "Bobby, why are you crying?"

"Because daddy hit his thumb with the hammer!" little Bobby wailed.

"Why, that's not something to cry over," his mother told him. "That should make you laugh."

Bobby rubbed his behind and said tearfully, "I DID laugh!"

[dingdong11]

A property manager of single-family residence was showing a unit to prospective tenants and asking the usual questions.

"Professionally employed?" he asked.

"We're a military family," the wife answered.

"Children?"

"Oh, yes, ages nine and twelve," she answered proudly.

"Animals?"

"Oh, no," she said earnestly. "They're very well behaved."

[dingdong11]

Bob was on vacation, visiting a Las Vegas casino for the first time.

He decided to play the slots. Since he wasn't sure how to play a slot machine, he called an attendant over.

"Excuse me," Bob said. "How does this work?"

The worker showed him how to insert a bill, hit the spin button and pull the handle.

"And where does the money come out?" Bob asked.

The casino employee smiled and pointed to a far wall. "The ATM is over there."