Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[bigbirdbird]

It happened at a summer resort, as so many things do. The young executive was sitting at the bar, quietly drinking himself into a stupor, when an attractive redhead sat down beside him and ordered Scotch and water.

They got into a harmless conversation, and as the evening wore on they became progressively friendlier. After the umpteenth round, he leaned over and whispered in her ear.

"Let's get a bottle and go up to my room." She focused her glassy stare on him.

"I'll have you know I’m a lady," she slurred. "I realize that. If I wanted a man I'd send home for my brother."

[bigbirdbird]

The other day I was in the pub having a few quiet beers by myself.

The door opened and in walked the most stunning woman I've ever laid eyes on.

5'9' tall, stunning blue eyes, silky blonde hair, an hourglass figure barely covered by a tiny mini skirt and a flimsy cotton top.

I could see she was not wearing a bra and her incredibly firm breasts were on show.

After watching her walk in I turned back to my beer.

No sooner had I taken a sip when I turn to see her pulling another bar stool up close to me and sitting down.

She said ' Hi ', and I said ' Hi' in return.

She asked how I was and took my hand and placed it on her perfect inner thigh, rubbing it up and down.

'So, does that make you feel good?' she asked.

'I'll bet you feel good,' she continued. 'In fact, I'll bet you've never felt this good before.'

'Well, I have,' I corrected her. 'You see, when I was 18, I was picked to play for the school 1st. XV in the Public School Finals in front of a crowd of
about 3000 and I felt really good.'

I immediately felt a bit pathetic saying that and I thought she would get up and go but she took my hand off her thigh and put it up the front of her
top.

Her nipple pushed into my palm as she massaged my hand into her pert, perfect breast. 'How do you feel now,' she purred.

'OK' I replied.

Again, she said, 'I'll bet you do. In fact, I'll bet you've never felt THIS good before!'

Unbelievably I heard myself saying 'Well, actually I have. In that game, we were down by six points with about 20 seconds left in the match.
The Opposition kicked the ball deep into our half of the field, where I caught it. I ran up field, side-stepping past the first few defenders, palmed
off a couple of would-be tacklers, burst through a few forwards, chipped over their fullback, gathered and scored a Try right under the posts with about 2 or 3 seconds 'till full time. We were still behind by one point, but I had a simple kick at goal with which to win the match and........ '

" Ahhh...." she growled between clenched teeth, more than a bit miffed, pulled my hand from under her top and thrust it down the front of her skirt.

My fingers immediately met what felt like a wisp of soft cotton, and she was wet!!!! She snapped, 'Well tell me this, Smart Ass:
Have you ever felt such a cunt?'

'I certainly have' I answered, 'I missed the kick.'

[bigbirdbird]

Good girls loosen a few buttons when its hot
Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons

Good girls wax their floors
Bad girls wax their bikini line

Good girls blush during sex scenes in movies
Bad girls know they could do it better

Good girls wear white cotton panties
Bad girls don't wear any

Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls
Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just a strand of pearls

Good girls pack their toothbrush
Bad girls pack their diaphragms

Good girls own only one credit card and rarely use it
Bad girls own only one bra and rarely use it

Good girls wear high heels to work
Bad girls wear high heels to bed

Good girls think the office is the wrong place to have a romance
Bad girls think no place is the wrong place

Good girls prefer the missionary position
Bad girls do too, but only for starters

Good girls say no
Bad girls say when?

[bigbirdbird]

A man and his wife had been stranded on a deserted island for many years. The morning following a bad storm, a new guy washes up on the shore.

The new guy and the wife are VERY attracted to each other right away, but they realize that certain protocols will have to be observed. The husband, oblivious to the new chemistry floating around, is very glad to see the second man there.

"This is wonderful! Now we'll be able to have three people doing 8-hour shifts in the watchtower instead of two people doing 12-hour shifts."

The new man is only too happy to help, and in fact volunteers to do the first shift. He climbs up the tall tower and stands watch, scanning the ocean horizon for any ships. Soon the husband and wife start placing stones in a circle in order to make a fire to cook supper. The new man yells down: "Hey, no screwing!"

They look at each other and yell back: "We're not screwing!"

A few minutes later, they start to put driftwood into the stone circle. Again the new man yells down: "Heeey, no screwing!"

Again they yell back, "We're not screwing!"

Later they are putting palm leaves on the roof of the shack to patch leaks. Once again the new man yells down from high above: "Hey, I said no screwing!!"

They yell back, "And we said we're not screwing!!"

Finally the shift is over and the new man climbs down from the tower and the husband starts to climb up. By the time he gets half-way up, his wife and the new man are already screwing their brains out. Once at the top, the husband turns around and looks down and says to himself:
"Son-of-a-gun. From up here it DOES look like they're screwing.

[bigbirdbird]

A friend of mine spreads some light on the vegan swallowing mystery...

Actually, the question of whether or not it is okay for a vegetarian or vegan to give BJs, and if so, if it was all right to swallow, the general consensus is:

1. It is perfectly all right to give BJs because no animal is harmed in the process.

2. It is okay to ingest sperm because it is not an animal.

Also, sperm is a good source of protein, something that is often lacking when meat is removed from the diet.

You're still my favorite lap dance,

Can you guys imagine dating one of these gals?

I can see it in my mind's eye; your vegan girl comes home from work all worn out, craving your meat.

She looks at you and says, "I need to blow you. I haven't had enough protein today. I'm dizzy and weak and only a protein vanilla slurpee will do."

Damn. A breed of women who not only like performing oral sex, but consider it nourishment. I gotta get me a vegan.

[bigbirdbird]

A foursome is waiting at the men's tee while another foursome of ladies are hitting from the ladies tee.

The ladies are taking their time and when finally the last one is ready to hit the ball she hacks it about 10 feet, goes over to it and hacks it another 10 feet.

She looks up at the men, who are watching, and says apologetically, "I guess all those fucking lessons I took this winter didn't help."

One of the men immediately replies, "Now, you see, that's your problem.

You should have taken golf lessons instead."



************



A few years ago a man who was openly gay was elected as the Mayor of Key West, Florida.

After the election results were in, a hord of reporters surrounded him and began asking him questions on how he won.

A young reporter walked up to him and said: "Mr. Mayor, I understand that you used a basic grass roots campaign to win, met lots of people, shook lots of hands, kissed lots of babies...I even heard that you kissed a parakeete."

The mayor relied: "That's right young man, I brought the campaign to the people, but I must correct you on one point, I did not kiss a parakeete

......I kissed a Cock-or-two."

[bigbirdbird]

A guy walks into a pub to meet his mates for a beer.

They are amazed at how healthy he is looking. In particular he has fantastically good looking smooth skin on his face with a totally radiant glow.

"Jim you are looking fit and healthy. Started a new diet?"

"Nope," says Jim.

"So, you've joined a fitness club then?"

"Nope," says Jim.

"But your face looks so fresh and healthy. Let us in on the secret Jim. What are you doing?"

"I've got a new girl friend," says Jim.

"But how does that get you healthy looking smooth skin on your face?"

"Well" says Jim, "my new girl friend has got the hairiest pussy I've every seen. In fact she's like a wire brush down there!"

"So?" says the inquisitive friend.

"So, going down on her is the quickest way I know to exfoliate and moisturize your face at the same time!"

[bigbirdbird]

A group of prisoners are in their rehabilitation meeting.

Their task for today is to each stand up in turn speak their name and admit to their fellow inmates what crime they committed.

The first prisoner stands and says "My name is Daniel and I'm in for murder"

Everyone gives him approving looks and pats on the back for admitting his wrongdoing.

The next guy stands up and says "My name is Mike and I'm in for armed robbery"

Again, there is a round of approving looks. This goes around the circle until it gets to the last guy.

He stands up and says "My name is Luke, but I'm not telling you what I'm in for"

The group leader says "Now, come on Luke, you have to admit it to us to make any progress. Tell us what you did."

"Ok then. I'm in for fucking dogs."

Everyone is disgusted! They all shout "What??!!

How LOW can you get!"

"Well...I did manage do to a dachshund one time, but I had to lift her back legs up a little", Luke replies.

[bigbirdbird]

A guy goes for a job as a bouncer in a brothel; the manager is very impressed and offers him a superb package including company car, free life insurance etc.

The best of the perks is he is promised a free bunk up with the girl of his choice every night.

Needless to say he takes the job. At the end of the first day the manager comes up to him and tells him to take his pick of the girls, the guy picks the blonde in the schoolgirl uniform and off they go to a private room.

Much to his surprise she just gives him a quick one off the wrist and leaves the room.

"That's odd" thinks our hero, "perhaps she's tired today."

At the end of day two he picks a redhead dressed up as a nurse same thing happens, back to the room and a quick one off the wrist.

"Oh well" thinks our none too bright hero "I'm tired myself tonight so I won't worry."

Anyway, this goes on the rest of the week, every night a different girl and every night just a quick one off the wrist.

At the end of the first week the MD asks our man if he has any comments at all, usual stuff, they are pleased with him etc. but does he have anything to say.

Our man may be slow but shyness is not one of his qualities so he tells the MD that all the girls have just given him a quick one off the wrist but he was promised a bunk up every night.

To this the MD replies, "But surely you realize you have to work a week in hand"

[Criollo]

In Canada we have been blessed with a national police force, the famous Royal Canadian Mounted Police or "Mounties". Although most are good people, some are a bit arrogant and often the brunt of jokes leveled at the by other agencies.

Two Calgary City cops are killed in a gunfight and find themselves standing at the back of the line to see St. Peter.It gets pretty boring after a while and they decide to find out what's taking so long and stroll up the line. As they approach St.Peter,a scarlet clad Mountie on a beautiful stallion at the full gallop, rides past everyone and the pearly gates open up instantly to let him in.
The two Calgary Cops look at each other and then at St.Peter.One says,"Hey buddy,what's with us waiting all day and that Mountie jumping the line?"
St.Peter looks up from his ledger and sighs. "He does this all the time."
The two cops shake their heads and mumble something unpleasant. At that moment the gates open up and the same,scarlet horseman gallops back out into the clouds.
Now the two city cops are really miffed and as their turn on the ledger looms the gates open up once more for the speeding horseman. At the big desk,St. Peter looks down at them and asks their names. "Never mind our names," says one cop,"Just who the heck is that damn Mountie?" St.Peter fixes them with a withering glare.
"That,gentlemen is GOD, He just thinks He's a Mountie."

[Criollo]

A game warden was driving down the road when he came upon a boy carrying a wild turkey under his arm.
He stopped and asked the boy, "Where did you get that turkey?"
The boy replied, "What turkey?"
The game warden said, "That turkey you're carrying under your arm."
The boy looks down and said, "Well, lookee here, a turkey done roosted under my arm!"
The game warden said, "Now look, you know turkey season is closed, so whatever you do to that turkey, I'm going to do to you.
If you break his leg, I'm gonna break your leg. If you break his wing, I'll break your arm. Whatever you do to him, I'll do to you. So, what are you gonna do with him?"
The little boy said, "I guess I'll just kiss his ass and let him go!"

[Criollo]

DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an old rancher.. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for ill*gally grown dr*gs."
The rancher says, "Okay , but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.
The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land.. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? "
The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis Bull......
With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified.
The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....

"Your badge... Show him your badge!!"

[Criollo]

A Virginia State trooper pulled a car over on I-64 about 2 miles south of the Virginia/West Virginia State line..
When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Beckley, WV to do a show at the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.
The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.
The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them.
The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.
While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunken good old boy from West Virginia got out, watched the performance briefly, then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car and opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, "You might as well take my ass to jail, because there ain't no way I can pass that test."

[Criollo]

A police officer pulls over a speeding car.
The officer says, " I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir ."
The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating. "
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don"t be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn"t have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once !! ?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you"re not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn"t have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you"re driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON"T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma"am?"
"Only when he"s been drinking, officer."

[Criollo]

A police station gets 2 new horses and 2 cops are assigned to be mounted policemen. They go on a ride and come back pleased.
"This horse is great! From now on I'll always take this one" said the first cop.
"My horse's great too. So I'll always take it" replied the second cop.
"But how do we know which is which?"
They though for a minute or two and one of them came up with an idea.
"Lets cut off this ones tail"
The other cop agreed and the horse lost it's tail. The next morning The police chief is standing infront of the horses and looks really mad. The two cops see this and ask whats wrong.
"You two morons cut off the horses tail that's what's wrong!"
"But otherwise we couldn't tell them apart."
"Can't you see the black one is a bit taller then the brown one.?!"