Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[idf79]

Sitting at home one night with his wife, a man is casually tossing peanuts into the air and catching them in his mouth. As the couple take in the latest episode of their favorite program, the man loses concentration for a split second, and a peanut goes into his ear. He tries to get it out, but succeeds only in forcing the thing in awfully
deep.

After a few hours of fruitless rooting the couple decide to go to the hospital, but on their way out of the front door they meet their daughter coming in with her boyfriend.

The boyfriend takes control of the situation; he tells them he's studying medicine and that they're not to worry about a thing. He then sticks two fingers up the man's nose and asks him to blow, and low and behold, the nut shoots from the ear and out across the room.

As the daughter and her boyfriend go through to the kitchen to get drinks, the man and his wife sit down to discuss their luck. "So" the wife says, "what do you think he'll become after he finishes school? A GP or a surgeon?"

"Well says the man, rubbing his nose, "by the smell of his fingers, I think he's likely to be our son-in-law."

[idf79]

A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table. As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon, and set it on the table. The diner was impressed. "Do all the waiters here carry spoons in their pockets?"

The waiter replied, "Yes. Ever since an Efficiency Expert visited our restaurant... He determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen."

The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented, "Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?"

The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. Seems that the same Efficiency Expert determined that we spend to much time washing our hands after using the men's room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string, do my thing, and then return to work. Having never touched myself, there really is no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time."

"Wait a minute," said the diner, "how do you get your penis back in your pants?"

"Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."

[idf79]

A husband is visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. While doing so, the wife lets out a sigh. Pleasantly surprised, the husband runs out and tells the doctor.

"That is a good sign," suggests the doctor, "Why don't you try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction."

The husband returns to his wife's bedside and rubs her right breast which brings a moan from his wife. He rushes out again and tells the doctor. The doctor thinks this is amazing and could perhaps be a real break through. The doctor then suggests the man return to her bedside and perform oral sex.

More than happy to accommodate, the husband returns to his wife's bedside to do his deed. Some five minutes later, the husband comes running from his wife's bedside screaming for the doctor.

"What's going on?" asks the doctor.

The husband yells, "My wife stopped breathing!"

"What happened?" asks the doctor. "Everything seemed to be looking good a few minutes ago."

The husband replies, "She choked."

[idf79]

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. "I'm sorry sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from the previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.

"Ah, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes." Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves. Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.

"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man." "I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork." The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.

After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great, I take the Macaroni and cheese with broccoli. Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner things the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him.

The blind man eats and leaves. He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Mary rub this fork around your vagina before I take it to the blind man." Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back.

As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. "Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you." The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here?"

[idf79]

A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl was frantic.

Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for, dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.

"Mmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma. "I think I�ll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But you�re so old... how do you do it?"

Grandma replied, "Oh, it's quite easy, sonny... I just remove my dentures and suck �em dry!"

[idf79]

A couple were married and, following the wedding, the husband laid down some rules. "I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want," he insisted. "And, I don't expect any hassle from you. Also, I expect a decent meal to be on the table every evening, unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing with my buddies whenever I want. Those are my rules," he said. "Any comments?"

His new bride replied, "No, that's fine with me. But, just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not."

[idf79]

Two parents take their son on vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes to play in the water. Shortly thereafter, the boy runs to his mother and says, "Mommy, I saw some ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!"

The mother cleverly replies, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are!"

With that, the little boy runs back into the water and continues to play. Several minutes later, though, the little boy runs back to his mother and says, "Mommy, I saw some men with dongs a lot bigger than Daddy's!"

"The bigger they are, the dumber they are!" she replies.

With that, the little boy runs back into the water and continues to play. Several minutes later, though, the little boy runs back to his mother and says, "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more he talked, the dumber he got!"

[whitetreefrog]

Originally Posted by idf79

A couple were married and, following the wedding, the husband laid down some rules. "I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want," he insisted. "And, I don't expect any hassle from you. Also, I expect a decent meal to be on the table every evening, unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing with my buddies whenever I want. Those are my rules," he said. "Any comments?"

His new bride replied, "No, that's fine with me. But, just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not."

This is a good joke.

[bigbirdbird]

She's A Keeper If You Hear A Woman Say . . .

I've been complaining a lot lately. I don't blame you for ignoring me.

I know I'm sore and my parents are in the other room, I still want you right now!

This porno scene is boring, fast forward to the gang bang.

Don't get up, I kinda like sleeping in the wetspot.

Don't dirty up your T-shirt wiping that up, use my blouse.

That was fun, when will all of your friends be over to watch pornos again?

I bet it would be kinky to watch you with our baby- sitter Tracy.

You're my daddy! You're my daddy!

The new girl in my office is a stripper. I invited her over for dinner on Friday.

Honey, did you leave that skid in the toilet bowl? (Good one!)

While you were in the bathroom, they went for it on fourth down and missed. If they can hold them to a field goal they'll still cover.

Bar food again!? Kick ass.

liked that wedding even more than ours. Your ex-girl-friend has class.

That girl is wearing the same outfit as I am. Cool, I'm gonna go over and talk to her.

I love hearing stories about your old girlfriends, tell me more.

I like using this new lawn mower so much more than the old one, what a wonderful Valentine's day gift!

Let's just leave the toilet seat "up" at all times, then you don't have to mess with it anymore.

I've decided to buy myself a boob job. How big do you want 'em?

It's only the third quarter, you should order a couple more pitchers.

Honey, come here! Watch me do a Tequila shot off of Chuck's bare ass!

My mother is going to take care of the tab, so order another round for you and your friends.

I'm so happy with my new hairstyle, I don't think I'll ever change it again.

Damn! I love when my pillow smells like your cigars and scotch. You passed out before brushing your teeth again, ya' big silly!

You are so much smarter than my father.

If we're not going to have sex, then you have to let me watch Sportscenter.

[bigbirdbird]

Grandma's Boyfriend
A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.

Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, 'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?'

Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus.. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, 'Hello son, is your Grandma home?'

The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom banging her boyfriend.'

The minister fainted..

[bigbirdbird]

SEX QUIZ FOR REAL MEN

1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
A. Lovemaking.
B. Screwing.
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after
you've both shared:
A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
B. Your blood-test results.
C. Five tequila slammers.

3. You time your orgasm so that:
A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously.
C. You don't miss ESPN Sports Center.

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
A. Healthy, creative love-play.
B. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend needs to ever
find out about.

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had
sex with is:
A. The best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. $100 extra.

6. Your wife/girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last
month. You tell her that it is:
A. Of no influence on your affectionate feelings for her.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.
C. A conservative estimate.

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
A. A myth.
B. An oxymoron.
C. A moron.

8. Foreplay is to sex as:
A. An appetizer is to entree.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying
at the end of a relationship?
A. "I hope we can still be friends."
B. "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."
C. "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population, YOU."

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort
of intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.

[bigbirdbird]

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of 50 pence.

Murphy said, "Hang on, I have an idea." He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said, "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at tall."

Murphy replied, "Don't worry - just follow me." He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson whisky.

Shamus said, "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!"

Murphy replied with a smile, "Don't worry, I have a plan. Cheers!"

They downed their drinks.

Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth."

The barman noticed them, went berserk and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk all for free. At the tenth pub, Shamus said, "Murphy, I don't think I can do any more o'this. Me knees are killin' me!"

Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub."

[kereikera]

A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.

"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her *husband*!"

[kereikera]

On a flight to Florida, I was preparing my notes for one of the parent-education seminars I conduct as an educational psychologist.

The elderly woman sitting next to me explained that she was returning to Miami after having spent two weeks visiting her six children, 18 grandchildren and ten great-grandchildren in Boston.

Then she inquired what I did for a living.

I told her, fully expecting her to question me for free professional advice.

Instead she sat back, picked up a magazine and said, "If there's anything you want to know, just ask me."

[kereikera]

Best Things to say if Caught Sleeping At Your Office Desk...

"They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

"This is just a 15 minute power-nap as described in that time management course you sent me."

"Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out You probably got here just in time!"

"I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."

"I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."

"I was doing Yoga exercises to relieve work-related stress."

"Damn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

"The coffee machine is broken..."

"Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."