Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[Sex Discussion]

Two vampire bats are going for their midnight feed.

After an hour or so, one bat gets tired of looking and goes home with no blood.

The other vampire bat comes home with blood dripping from its mouth. The first vampire bat says enviously, “Where did you get all that blood from?”

The second vampire bat replies, “Follow me. I’ll show you.”

After awhile the second vampire bat leads them to a cave. He says, “You see that wall over there?”

The hungry vampire bat excitedly says, “Yes!”

Other vampire bat says, “I didn’t.”

[Sex Discussion]

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her poodle along for company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, discovers that he’s lost. Wandering about, he notices a hungry-looking leopard heading rapidly in his direction.

The poodle thinks, “Oh, oh!” Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the poodle exclaims loudly, “Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?”

[Sex Discussion]

A young man is wandering around the zoo looking at the animals. He suddenly remembers about an appointment that he scheduled. Unfortunately, he forgot his watch. He searchs for someone who could give him the time.

He sees a zoo keeper standing next to an elephant. “Excuse me, sir,” says the young man “Do you know what time it is?”

The zoo keeper reaches under the elephant, grabs his balls and starts playing with them.

“Mmmmm, it is about 3:00,” the zoo keeper responds.

The young man looks at him in awe, “How did you know that?” The zoo keeper looks back at the man, “I looked at the clock on the wall right behind you.”

[hoonkeetan]

Hurts like hell

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him earnestly.

"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright. I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together in his groin.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him "How does that feel?"

He replied "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

[hoonkeetan]

16 Golden Rules

1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.

2. Extension to rule #1 - So if you get one, be grateful.

3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw, it is not standard practice to come on someone's face.

4. Extension to rule #3 - No, I DON'T have to swallow.

5. My ears are NOT handles.

6. Extension to rule #5 - do not push on the top of my head. Last I heard, deep throat had been done. And additionally, do you really WANT puke on your dick?

7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get, it is NEVER OK to fart.

8. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" - get it through your head - I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have sex right now.

9. Extension to #8 - "Blue Balls" might have worked on high school girls -if you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol.

10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you.

11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games, smoke a cigarette,watch tv...ect.... immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future.

12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude.

13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about the protein content.

14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV, smoke a cigarette, drink, ect....

15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.

16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss it good morning."

[hoonkeetan]

Choked

A woman orders a chicken sandwhich and starts to choke. People are running frantically, trying to figure out what to do. Two homosexuals sitting in the corner wisper to each other and run in front of the choking lady. One strips out of his overalls, bends over butt naked in front of his friend. His friend proceeds to lick the other's ass.

Upon seeing this, the lady vomits forcing the lodged food from her throat. After making sure the lady is OK, the two homosexuals return to their food.

One turns to the other and says, "Wow, that hind-lick manouver really works!"

[hoonkeetan]

Trust Me

John, two days before his scheduled visit to the proctologist, accidentally swallowed his glass eye when he was cleaning it. He was worried at first, but after calling his doctor and learning he probably won't get sick, he ordered another and soon forgot about it.

He arrived for his annual proctology exam on time, and was soon called into the doctor's examining room. After undressing, John follows his instructions and bends over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he took a peek up the man's butt was hisglass eye staring right back at him!

"You know John," said the doctor, "you're really going to have to learn to trust me."

[hoonkeetan]

Drive Safely

A man and a woman were dating. She being of a religious nature had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted from her so bad. In fact, he had never even seen her naked.

One day, as they drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow driving habits.

"I can't stand it anymore," she told him. "Let's play a game. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit you drive, I'll remove one piece of clothing.

He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car.
He reached the 55 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse.
At 60 off came the pants.
At 65 it was her bra and at 70 her panties.

Now seeing her naked for the first time and travelling faster than he ever had before, he became very excited and lost control of the car. He veered off the road, went over an embankment and hit a tree. His girlfriend was not hurt but he was trapped. She tried to pull him free but alas he was stuck.

"Go to the road and get help," he said. "I don't have anything to cover myself with!" she replied. The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes. "You'll have to put this between your legs to cover it up," he told her.

So she did as he said and went up to the road for help. Along came a truck driver. Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, he pulled over to hear her story.

"My boyfriend! My boyfriend!" she sobs, "He's stuck and I can't pull him out!"

The truck driver looking down at the shoe between her legs replies, "Ma'am, if he's in that far, I'm afraid he's a goner!"

[bigbirdbird]

A traveling salesman, out on the road for two months, was beginning to feel lonely and horny. He stopped in at a bar, ordered a drink and asked the bartender what men did for fun around here. The bartender told him to go to room at the top of the stairs and wait for Vanessa. He did. Soon the door opened to reveal the most beautiful black woman he had ever seen.

"Hi, I'm Vanessa, and I'm $20," she said. Much to his dismay the salesman had only $18, which he promptly offered. "Vanessa does not lower her standards for anyone," she said. "I'll send up Angela."

A few minutes later a beautiful white woman appeared, took his money and treated him to a wonderful evening of sucking and fucking.

Twenty-five years later, while on vacation, the salesman found himself in the same bar, talking to the same bartender. "Bet you don't remember me," he said.

"Sure I do," replied the bartender. "You're the guy that knocked up Angela 25 years ago. That's your son at the end of the bar. He's been in every night for ten years, hoping to meet his daddy.

The salesman went over to the boy and said, "Son, I think I may be your daddy."

The boy said, "Great! What is my last name?"

"Bardowski," the salesman said.

"Oh, no," said the boy, "you mean that I waited ten years to find out that I'm Polish?"

"Hey, kid," the salesman said, "it could've been worse. Two dollars more and you'da been black too!"

[bigbirdbird]

New Durex condom slogans:



1. Cover your stump before you hump.

2. Don't be a loner, cover your boner

3. If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey

4. Don't be a fool, cover your tool

5. Wrap your bait before you mate

6. Plug your funnel then enter the tunnel

7. Package your meat for a real nice treat

8. Rap that wanger before you bang her

9. If you're nude then tube your dude.

10. Cover your diddle then fiddle her middle

[bigbirdbird]

A very naive British sailor is in a bar in London.

He meets a wild girl, and she takes him upstairs. She takes off her pants and her panties.

He looks between her legs, and he says, "What's that?"

She says, "It's me lower mouth."

He says, "What do you mean, your 'lower mouth'?"

She says, "Just what I said, it's me lower mouth. It's got a mustache...it's got lips..."

He says, "Has it got a tongue in it?"

She says, "Not always."

[bigbirdbird]

A man goes to the famous Lucas Carton restaurant in Paris with his girlfriend and orders the 1928 Mouton.

The waiter returns with a bottle full of wine, pours a small amount in the glass for tasting.

The customer picks up the glass, smells the wine, and puts it down on the table with a thud. "This is not the 1928 Mouton."

The waiter assures him it is, and soon there are another twenty people surrounding the table, including the chef and the manager trying to convince the man that the wine is the 1928 Mouton. Finally someone asks him how he knows that it is not the 1928 Mouton.

"My name is Phillipe de Rothschild, and I make the wine."

Finally, the original waiter steps forward and admits that he poured the Clerc Milon 1928. "I could not bear to part with our last bottle of 1928 Mouton. You know Clerc Milon, it is in the same village as Mouton, you pick the grapes at the same time, the same cepage, you crush in the same way, you put them into similar barrels. You bottle at the same time, you even use eggs from the same chickens to fine them. The wines are the same, except for a small matter of geographic location."

Rothschild beckons the waiter forward, and whispers to him, "When you return home tonight, ask your girlfriend to remove her underwear. Put one finger in one opening, another finger in the other, then smell both the fingers. You will understand what difference a small distance in geographic location makes."

[bigbirdbird]

Women don't care how big your dick is. They would, but they're too busy worrying about the size of their tits.

Why did God give women nipples?
To make suckers out of men.

Q: Did you hear about the diner that promotes safe sex?
A: They write the bill on a condom. In that way you can wine and dine your date, and stick her with the bill.

What do you call going on a blind date with a brunette?
Brown-bagging it.

What's the real reason a brunette keeps her figure?
No one else wants it.

Why are so many blonde jokes one-liners?
So brunettes can remember them.

What do you call a brunette in a room full of blondes?
Invisible.

What's a brunette's mating call?
"Has the blonde left yet?"
When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking.

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.

Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.

Linguists have discovered a new language spoken by a remote tribe in India that's understood by only 1,000 people. I believe the language is called "tech support."

Did you hear about the circumciser who missed? He got the sack.

Okay, so the Viagra my boyfriend took was still having an effect hours later -- does that give him the right to go running to the emergency room asking to see the head nurse?

I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.

What do you Call a period? A waste of fuckin' time.

What does a prostitute have at the end of her shift? A box of Assorted Creams!

What's a dildo farmer's greatest threat? Squatters.

Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up all night on their honeymoon waiting for their sexual relations to arrive?

Polls: Voting places where you stand in line to see who will spend your money.

[bigbirdbird]

A man walks into a sperm bank and declares, "I'm of royal blood and an I.Q. of 165, I'd like to make a donation". The nurse gives him a sealed cup and directs him to a private room. 20 minutes later the man hasn't come out, the nurse knocks on the door. "Is there a problem?"

"I'm so embarrassed, I used my right hand. I used my left hand. I poured cold water on it and hot water on it. Could you help me?"

The nurse replied, "I don't usually do this but you are kinda cute..."

She gets on her knees and begins to blow him.

"I really appreciate this, but I need help getting the cap off the jar!"

[bigbirdbird]

Little Johnny and his two friends are sitting on the front porch one day.

The first one says, "My daddy is so cool he can eat four burgers at one meal."

The second one says, "That's nothing, my daddy can eat six."

Little Johnny starts laughing and says, “My daddy can eat light bulbs."

The other two boys tell Johnny that he is out of his mind. They ask him why he thinks his daddy can eat light bulbs.

Little Johnny replies, "Last night, I was passing my Parent's' room and my daddy said, 'Honey, turn out that Light, I want to eat that thing.'"