Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[sky_liner2]

Story of The Cocks !

A farmer rears 25 young hens and 1 old cock.

As the old cock could no longer handle his job efficiently, the farmer bought one young cock from the market .

Old cock: Welcome to join me, we will work together towards productivity.

Young cock: What do you mean? As far as I know, you are old and should retire.

Old cock: Young boy, there are twenty-five hens here, can't I help you with some?

Young cock: No! Not even one, all of them will be mine.

Old cock: In this case, I shall challenge you to a competition and if I win, you shall allow me to have one hen and if I lose you will have all.

Young cock: Ok! What kind of competition?

Old cock: 50 meter runs, from here to that tree. But due to my age, I hope you allow me to start off the first 10 meters...

Young cock: No problem! We will compete tomorrow morning..

Confidently, the following morning, the Young cock allows the Old cock to start off and when the Old cock crosses the 10 meters mark, the Young cock chases him with all his might.

Soon enough, he was behind the Old cock's back in a matter of seconds.

Suddenly, Bang! ..... Before he could overtake the Old cock, he was shot dead by the farmer, who cursed,

"F'king hell! This is the fifth GAY chicken I've bought this week!"



Moral of the story: Never under-estimate an old cock !

[thinblackdevil]

A little boy was selling fish at the corner. "Damn fish here! Get your Damn fish here!" When a bishop walks by. "My son you don't have to use such profoned launguage." he says "No Sir. i got them from a Dam." so the bishop byes some and went home.


He hand s his wife the fish and says"Honey will you cook my Damn Fish?" the wife replies "No i got them from a boy who got them from a Dam."



so the wife cooks them. later on at dinner time the father the mother and there son were all eating when the dad says to the son "Please pass the Damn Fish." the boy says "Right on dad! will you please pass the Fucking potatos?"

[thinblackdevil]

Once there was a preacher's wife who went into a bakery and asked the butcher waht the daily special was. He said it was the "damn ham."She immediatly started yelling at the top of her lungs."HOW DARE YOU SPEAK TO ME LIKE THAT I'M THE PREACHER'S WIFE!"The butcher was totally taken back by this while he wimpered, "Oh, no ma'am it's called the 'damn ham.'" She bought one of the hams.Later that day when the preacher got home he smelled the ham cooking and asked his wife what it was. She replied that it was the "damn ham." He also immediatly started yelling at the top of his lungs."HOW DARE YOU TALK TO ME LIKE THAT I'M THE PREACHER!"She was also taken back by this and wimpered that it was the "damn ham."At dinner that night they were eating dinner with their kids and they, too, asked what this delicoius meal was. Their father (the preacher) said that it was the "damn ham."Their son was quite happy with this. In fact he said, "That's the spirit, Dad, now pass the fucking potatoes."

[thinblackdevil]

John and Claire are just newly married. They are still a little shy about doing the "wild thing", so they decide to just refer to it as "washing the clothes". One night, Claire invites some of her friends over for dinner, but John is really horny and doesn't want to have to entertain their guests. So, as Claire is serving the main course, he whispers in her ear, "Let's go wash the clothes". Claire is horrified that he could even suggest such a thing while they're entertaining, and she refuses. John tries again, but she won't give in. Claire tells him instead to go upstairs and get the candleholders from the hall closet. Frustrated, John slowly walks up the stairs to get them.While he's upstairs, Claire thinks of the fun they'd have if they COULD "wash the clothes". Nah, she thinks. Not now. But eventually her imagination gets the best of her, and she tells the maid to run upstairs and tell John that she'll be up in a minute to help him. The maid finds John upstairs in the bedroom, and tells him that his wife will be up in a minute to help him wash the clothes. "Tell her it's ok," says John. "I already did them by hand."

[thinblackdevil]

There was this punk who got on a bus. He sat next to an old man who started staring at him, because he was dressed in really colorful clothing.He had all this colorful make-up on, and his hair was spiked up withred,green,& yellow with feathers. The punk was getting sick of being stared at so he said to the old man, "Hey, old man, what are you lookin'at,eh? Didn't you doanything strange when you were a teenager?" "Well, yeah," the old man answered. "Once I got so drunk that I screwed a parrot, so I can't help but think that maybe you're my son.

[thinblackdevil]

Whether the cause is a previous night of drinking or a big lunch, the outcome is the same: Farts.

Seventy percent of the time, we can dispense freely. The other 30% of the time, such as at work, we have some tough decisions to make. This document is intended to help you in those decisions.

Holders - The obvious choice is just plain holding it in. A popular choice among the females and an almost impossible choice for males. I am not in favor of holding, as I believe the medical community has not done enough research about the long-term damage of holding. Really, where does it go if you hold it in? So be forewarned, using this tactic is to be done at your own risk.

Desk Jockey - When deciding to release right at your desk, one has many factors to consider:
- Do you have your own office? Feel free to fart at will risk free. After commencing, I highly recommend locking the door and feigning you are not in the office to avoid any unwanted visitors. I also highly recommend against spraying air freshener, as the smell of the freshener is a dead giveaway. Candles are a good alternative solution for the females.

- Are you seated at a cubicle or open desk? If so, one has to consider the proximity of the other workers and the density of workers in the area. If it is just you and one other person in the area, there is nowhere to place the blame. If others are fairly distant to you, the smell will dissipate by the time it reaches the others on all but the most egregious of days. There is always the chance of dispensing at higher decibels than anticipated due to the highly unstable nature of farts. In these most unfortunate situations, you will have to use cover up sounds such as scraping your heal on the floor. I recommend practicing making sounds covering a wide range of tones and pitches in anticipation of such an event. Dropping objects such as staplers, binders and tape may not produce a similar sound, but if done in rapid succession could distract others from the initial event.

Meetings: - Sometimes the urge strikes at the most inopportune time. Meetings and gas really do not mix. Releasing at a meeting is by far the trickiest of all the situations one could find oneself in. Although I am against holding in general, a meeting may be the time for it. It really depends if you have established baseline farts before the meeting. This will give you a sense of the decibel and scent level of what is to be expected. Warning: Do not ever use a meeting as the place to establish a baseline. Of course none of the above applies if you are meeting with vendors. You have free reign to do whatever you like.

Aisle Walker: - Releasing while walking around the office is a popular option. By the time the scent disseminates, you should be nowhere near the scene of the incident. The added benefit is that if the release is done at higher decibels than anticipated, you can break out into an all out sprint thereby fleeing the scene before others even look up to notice.

Broom Closet: - One option is to find a broom closet and release inside the closet. The only drawback is explaining why you were in the broom closet if you are caught entering or leaving the closet. I found stashing stationery supplies in the closet provides a nice excuse. People will love you for informing them about the backup stationery supply cabinet. Of course, you then have to find another closet, as your original place will become too risky.

And remember, if you're workplace has many open flames, you are on your own.

[thinblackdevil]

It was a miserable hot day in Dallas and these two black whores were walking down the street when one (Mary Jane) says to the other (Eloise), "Eloise, honey, it is so hot out here today, why don't we take off our panties so's we be cool" Eloise says, "Oh, I don't know Mary Jane, I be too embarrassed".

So they walk on a bit farther and pretty soon Mary Jane says, "Eloise, honey, I just can't stand this heat. We jess got's to take off our panties so's we be cool"? And Eloise says, "Mary Jane , I juss can't, I'd be too embarrassed". So, they continue for a few more blocks, when suddenly Mary Jane stops and points to the porch of a house where an enormous black woman is sitting with her skirt hiked up to her navel, no panties on and eating a watermelon. She says, "Eloise, honey, look up there on the poc'h of dat house. Jess look at dat. I'll bet she be cool."

And Mary Jane says, "Less go axe her." So they shuffle up on to the porch of the house and Eloise says, "Big Fat Mama, you sittin up here on the poc'h of dis house, what with yo skirt hiked up to you navel, no panties on and eating dat watermelon..... tell us... is you cool"?

And the woman says, "Honey child... I don't no nuffin a bouts being cool, but it sho do keeps the flies off my watermelon"!

[thinblackdevil]

1. A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen. This kitchen is delirious.2. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.3. A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.4. If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap.5. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.6. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.7. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.8. A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.9. Help keep the kitchen clean - eat out. 10. Housework done properly can kill you.11. Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.12. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines.

[thinblackdevil]

Jack is waiting for the lottery draw one week and
can't believe his luck. Six numbers, the jackpot
and he's the only winner. He phones the lottery
organizers who invite him down to an award ceremony.

So there he is, at the press conference with the
photographers and the oversized novelty check etc...
when a lottery spokesman pulls him aside. "Jack",
he says, "we're having a bit of trouble with the
prizes this week". "What's that", Jack asks. "Well,
a hell of a lot of people had three and four numbers
and we're really short on cash because of it. Now I
know we're meant to be given you the whole 10
million today but, and here me out, how about we
give you 4 million this week, 3 million the week
after, then 2 million the week after that and we'll
give you the other million in the fourth week. How
does that sound?"

Jack stops and says, "Look if your going to screw
around then you can give me my dollar back now."

[thinblackdevil]

But everybody looks funny naked! You woke me up for that? Did I mention the video camera? Do you smell something burning? (In a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead... Try breathing through your nose. A little rug burn never hurt anyone! Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant? Sweetheart, did you lock the back door? But whipped cream makes me break out. Person 1: This is your first time... right? Person 2: Yeah... today. Hurry up! This room rents by the hour! Can you please pass me the remote control? Do you accept Visa? ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ On second thought, let's turn off the lights. And to think -- I was really trying to pick up your friend! So much for mouth-to-mouth. (Using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay? Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober... Holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo! Do you get any premium movie channels? Try not to smear my make-up, will ya! (Preparing to incorporate peanut butter) But I just steam-cleaned this couch! Got any penicillin? But I just brushed my teeth... Smile, you're on Candid Camera! I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs! I want a baby! So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies! (In a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work? Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth... Did you know the ceiling needs painting? I think you have it on backwards. When is this supposed to feel good? Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs! You're good enough to do this for a living! Is that blood on the headboard? Did I remember to take my pill? Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere? I wish we got the Playboy channel... That leak better be from the waterbed! I told you it wouldn't work without batteries! But my cat always sleeps on that pillow.. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed? If you quit smoking you might have more endurance. No, really... I do this part better myself! It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate! This would be more fun with a few more people. You're almost as good as my ex! Do you know the definition of statutory rape? Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes? You look younger than you feel. Perhaps you're just out of practice. You sweat more than a galloping stallion! They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash. Now I know why he/she dumped you... Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun? You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated. What tampon? Have you ever considered liposuction? And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner! What are you planning to make for breakfast? I have a confession... I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home! Are those real or am I just behind the times? Were you by any chance repressed as a child? Is that a hanging sculpture? You'll still vote for me, won't you? Did I mention my transsexual operation? I really hate women who actually think sex means something! Did you come yet, dear? I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about... A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time! Does this count as a date? Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you! Hic! I need another beer for this please. I think biting is romantic -- don't you? You can cook, too right? When would you like to meet my parents? Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like... Woman: Yourself? Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"? Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names. Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed. (In a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls? I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light? Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman. Sorry but I don't do toes! You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it! Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO! Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper... I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Enquirer". So that's why they call you Mr. Flash! My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer! Is this a sin too? I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain! Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn? Long kisses clog my sinuses... Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise... How long do you plan to be "almost there"? You mean you're NOT my blind date?

[ah rat]

Square Testicles
This is a joke that is supposed to bring you luck.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'. The

president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money . The elderly woman replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?'

The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you
$25,000 that your testicles are square.'

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.
The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?'

'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.'

'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 ' clock

tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.' 'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that
there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked

the president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.'

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, 'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Royal Bank of Canada !'

The origin of this Canadian story is unknown but it brings luck to everyone to whom it is sent. Whoever breaks the chain would definitely be unlucky.

[Luiz]

This was from the internet.

A black baby was given wings by God.

The baby asked: 'Does this mean I'm now an angel?'

God laughed and said: 'Nigga please, you're a bat!"




no offence, just a joke.

[Luiz]

Andy and Johnny drank too much and decided to drive home.

On the way back they were pulled over by the cops.

The cops asked them to step out of the car and walk in a straight line.

As they were doing that, an car accident happened right opposite where they were.

The two cops rushed to the accident scene.

Andy: Woi Chao Chao!

Andy and Johny ran to the car and drove off, thinking they have managed to fled the scene.

Next morning there is a loud bang at the door.

It was the police officers.

Police: Are you Andy Chong?
Andy: Yes
Police: Were you out near Clarke Quay last night?
Andy: No sir
Police: You didnt go out?
Andy: No sir
Police: You didnt drink?
Andy: No sir

Police: If you didnt go out and drink, how come you drive my car home???!!!


Not sure if this is posted. If it is....delete.

[ah rat]

BUSINESS IS BUSINESS:



A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller, "I want to open a fuckin' checking account."

The astonished woman replies, I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a fuckin' checking account now!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank."

The teller leaves the window and goes over
to the bank manager to inform him of her situation.

The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen to that foul language and that guy really needs some teliing-off.

They both return to the window and the manager asks the old geezer, "Sir, what
seems to be the problem here?"

"There is no fuckin problem," the man says.

I've just won $200 million bucks in the damn fuckin lottery and I want to put my fuckin money in this fuckin bank."

"Oh...I see," says the manager,
"and is this fuckin bitch giving you a hard time sir ???"

[Luiz]

Ah Lim is a fat bastard who wanted to lose weight.

He jogged, ran, diet and gymed but still fat.

One day Ah Lim saw an ad on newspaper. Lose 10 Kg in 1 hour. 30 Kg in 2 hours.

Ah Lim: Wah must try. Damage only 150 for 1 hour.

Ah Lim called, make appt and go.

Reached there and met this gentleman. He bring Ah Lim to a huge room, size of 6 badminton courts with a king size bed and a bottle of body oil in the middle of the room. He ask Ah Lim to sit.

Then a cun SYT walked in. Asked Ah Lim to strip down to his underwear. Ah Lim did. She then rub Ah Lim with body oil all over the body.

She then stripped. She tell Ah Lim: Ok in 1 Hour, if you can catch me I let you fuck me.

Ah Lim almost pengsan. So he run as fast he could but everytime he catches the girl she slipped out due to the oil. Very soon 1 hour finished and Ah Lim failed to catch her.

Ah Lim: Nah Beh, so close. Should have prepared and taken the 2 hour package.

Ah Lim weight himself, wah really lost 10kg. Ah Lim thinks this method works and he invest in the 2 hours package.

Next day, Ah Lim go back...booked 2 hours. This time, the room bigger and Ah Lim is ready with sport shoes and oiled himself out.

He sat there waiting in the room....

Suddenly One Big Indian Guy walked in....

"OK MR LIM, IF I CAN CATCH YOU IN 2 HOURS, I WILL FUCK YOU"

Ah Lim starts running.