Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[Pureen]

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, gray beard.

“I’m lost,” said the man.”Can you put me up for the night?”

“Certainly,” the Chinese man said, “but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man.”

“OK,” said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

[Pureen]

”My God! What happened to you?” the Irish bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.

”I got in a tiff with Riley” the Irish man replied.

”Riley? He’s just a wee fellow,” the Irish barkeep said, surprised. ”He must have had something in his hand.”

”That he did,” Kelly said. ”A shovel it was.”

”Dear Lord. Didn’t you have anything in your hand?”

”Aye, that I did — Mrs. Riley’s left boob.” Kelly said. ”And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight.”

96 words, reading time ~ 23 secs

[Pureen]

A Welshman, an Englishman and a Irishman were being chased by Farmer Giles with a shotgun. After 10 minutes of running they spotted a barn and all ran inside.

Once inside they each hid in a old sack against the barn wall.

The farmer went into the barn but did not see where they went, he was about to turn back when he saw three suspicious looking sacks.

He walked forward and prodded the first sack with his gun.

The Englishman inside said… ”Meow’.’

“Just cats,” he thought.

He then prodded the second sack.

The Welshman, hearing how the Englishman got off said… ”Woof’.’

“Just dogs,” he thought.

[Pureen]

An Irishman Tim O’Rourke was walking his Irish Setter in the country side. He picked up a stick and threw it, the dog went and retrieved it and brought it back.

Tim then threw it in a different direction and the dog once again went and retrieved it and brought it back. Tim then threw it in another direction and it landed in a small lake. The dog went down to the water’s edge, walked across the water, picked up the stick and brought it back.

Well, Tim was astounded. He couldn’t believe what he had seen and threw stick in the lake again, and the dog once again walked across the water to bring the stick back. As he went into town, he promised that he would show his dog’s wonderful new trick to the first person he came across.

[Pureen]

Juan sees a man leaning against the wall of a large building. The man is puffing away, one cigarette after another.

Juan says, “Sir, I couldn’t help noticing how you chain-smoke. How many packs do you smoke a day?”

“Four.”

“How long have you been smoking?”

“Thirty years.”

“That’s over six thousand packs. If you didn’t smoke, you could have saved enough money to buy this building.”

The smoker takes a deep puff and says, “Do you smoke?”

“Never.”

“Do you own this building?”

“No.”

“Well, I do.”

[Pureen]

An American consultant was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellowfin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them.

The Mexican replied, “Only a little while.”

The American then asked, “Why don’t you stay out longer and catch more fish?

The Mexican said, “Well, I catch enough to feed my family.”

The American then asked, “But what do you do with the rest of your time?”

[Pureen]

A group of life long friends from the same Chicago street spent a weekend gambling vacation in Las Vegas.

They all agreed if one of them won big they would treat the others to another gambling break next holiday.

One of the men on the gambling trip won $100,000 playing blackjack.

Remembering the agreement to treat the group if one of them won big he didn’t want anyone to know about his blackjack winnings, so decided not to return with the others, but took a later plane home, he arrived back at 3 a.m.

Believing he was safe, he immediately went out to the backyard of his house, dug a hole and hid the blackjack money in it.

[bigbirdbird]

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man." "Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young,beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal.

Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion.

He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear.

Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought.

"If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out.

As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle."

In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder.

As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."

[bigbirdbird]

Vibrators are better

A vibrator doesn't have an orgasm first
and then just stop "vibrating."
Vibrators are never too busy watching the game on tv.
Batteries are cheaper than pick up trucks!!
When we're done with them we can stuff them back in the
drawer and not hear from them until we're ready.
It's happy to keep going until we're satisfied.
We can get a bigger one or one that has better options
whenever we want without being called a slut.
Position is your choice, not his.
It always is hard.
It doesn't leave a mess behind.
You don't have to wear an ill fitting teddy to excite it.
It doesn't care that you gained 10 lbs.
It doesn't fall asleep and snore in your ear afterwards.
You don't have to clean up the apartment
before bringing it home.
Vibrators are better then men because ...
They don't get tired after the first time
They never poke you in the back
in the morning to see if you
are in the mood.
Vibrators are better then men
because in the morning you
don't have to fix it breakfast.
Safe sex without a rubber
A couple batteries and you don't
have to put up with the shit,
just turn it off when you get done with it !
As long as you have a new pack of
energizers the vibrator can
keep going and going and going!
(while you keep coming and coming!)
Vibrators are portable so you can do it
anytime, anywhere you want!!
They don't burp, fart, belch or fall asleep on you.
You don't have to dress up for your vibrator.
You can show it off to your friends.
They never wake up at 4 a.m. asking for another one
It doesn't leave a wet spot.
It can be stashed away in a drawer.
It doesn't have a mother!!
It doesn't require "a little lip action" to get hard.
You know exactly where it's been.
Vibrators don't care if you get crumbs in the bed.
They never come before you do.

[Pureen]

Engineers and scientists will never make as much money as business executives. Now a rigorous mathematical proof has been developed that explains why this is true:

Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power.

Postulate 2: Time is Money.

As every engineer knows,

Work = Power * Time

Since Knowledge = Power, and Time = Money, we have:

Work = Knowledge * Money

Solving for Money, we get:

Money = Work / Knowledge

Thus, as Knowledge decreases, Money increases, regardless of how much Work is done.

Conclusion: The Less you Know, the More Money you Make.

[bigbirdbird]

Understanding relationships:

ATTRACTION- The act of associating horniness with a particular person.

LOVE AT 1st SIGHT- What occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.

DATING- The process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.

BIRTH CONTROL- Avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive men or spending time around young children.

EASY- A term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.

EYE CONTACT- A method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many women have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.

FRIEND- A member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.

INDIFFERENCE- A woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get."

INTERESTING- A word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking.

IRRITATING HABIT- What the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.

LAW OF RELATIVITY- How attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportional to how unattractive your date is.

NYMPHOMANIAC- A man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does.

FRIGID- A man's term for a woman who wants to have sex less often than he does, or one who requires more foreplay than lifting her nightgown.

SOBER- Condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.

NAG- A man's term for a woman who wants more to her life with him than just sex.

[Pureen]

Little Johnny and his family lived in the country, and as a result seldom had guests. He was eager to help his mother after his father appeared with two dinner guests from the office.

When the dinner was nearly over, Little Johnny went to the kitchen and proudly carried in the first piece of apple pie, giving it to his father who passed it to a guest. Little Johnny came in with a second piece of pie and gave it to his father, who again gave it to a guest.

This was too much for Little Johnny, who said, "It's no use, Dad. The pieces are all the same size."

[Pureen]

Bill Clinton and Al Gore went into a local diner for lunch. As they read the menu, the waitress came over and asked Clinton, "Are you ready to order, sir?"
Clinton replies, "Yes, I'd like a quickie."
"A quickie?!" the waitress replies with disgust. "Sir, given the current situation of your personal life, I don't believe that's a good idea. I'll come back later when you are ready to make an order from the MENU."
She walks away.
Gore leans over to Clinton and says, "Sir, it's pronounced 'Quiche'…"



source: http://www.jokebuddha.com/joke/A_Quickie#ixzz1JCc2qKVN

[bigbirdbird]

Three friends took their wives on vacation for a week in Las Vegas and they all had a great time.

A few days after they returned home, the men were sitting around talking about their trip.

"I don't think I'm ever going to do that again!" says the first guy. "Since we've been back, my wife flings her arms and hollers '7 come 11' all night long. I haven't had a wink of sleep!"

"I hear ya, buddy," the second guy replies. "My wife played blackjack the whole time we were there. Since we've been back, she slaps the bed all night and hollers 'hit me light, hit me hard'. I haven't had a wink of sleep either!"

"You guys think you have it bad!" exclaims the third guy. "My wife played the slots the entire time we were there. Every morning I wake up with a sore dick and an ass full of quarters!"

[bigbirdbird]

Two couples went out golfing together. The men hit first from the men's tee and walked with the ladies to their tee box. The first lady took a mighty swing at the ball, missing it completely, while passing some gas rather loudly in the process. No one commented.

She addressed the ball again but this time she passed just little gas as she made contact with the ball, topping it and moving it only a short distance.

She said, "I wonder why it didn't go any further?"

One of the men said, "I don't think you gave it enough gas."