Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[magixskin]

A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband.

Now he had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day.

When he came to his senses, he motioned for her to come near him.

As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times."

"When I got fired, you were there to support me."

"When my business failed, you were there."

"When I got shot, you were by my side."

"When we lost the house, you gave me support."

"When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"

"What, my dear?" she asked gently.

"You're a goddamn jinx!"

[magixskin]

She goes into TNUC and tells the clerk she wants a refund for the toaster she bought because it doesn't work.

The clerk tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

All of a sudden, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming!

"GRAB MY BREASTS! GRAB MY BREASTS!

The clerk, not knowing what to do, runs to get the store manager. The manager comes up to the Woman and asks, "What's wrong?" !

She explains the situation with the toaster.

He tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming,

"GRAB MY BREASTS! GRAB MY BREASTS!"

In shock, the store manager pleads, "Ma'am, why are saying you that?"

In a huff, the woman says,

"BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY BREASTS GRABBED WHEN I'M GETTING SCREWED!

[bigbirdbird]

The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'

The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate, not fascinating'.

Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was 'fascinated.'

The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.

She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.

Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.'

The teacher sat down and cried.

[bigbirdbird]

Maharishi Vatsyayan has stated in his magnum opus "Kamasutra" that ....Sex is….

"Duty", if done with your Wife .

"Art", if done with your Lover .

"Education", if done with a Virgin .

"Business Transaction" , if done with a Prostitute .

"Social Work", if done with a Divorcee .

"Charity", if done with a Widow .

And "Meditative Trance", if done by yourself .

So Stop feeling guilty, which ever it may be.......... JUST DO IT

[Kyoto]

A gay man feels ill so he goes to the local free clinic. At first the doctor there doesn't want to treat him but realises he has to because it is a government clinic and he can't turn anybody away. After performing a few blood tests he discovers that the man has AIDS.

He goes into the examination room to inform him, "Sir your test results have come back and I'm sorry to inform you that you have AIDS, there is nothing I can do for you."

Quite angrily, he man says, "There must be something you can do; you're a doctor for God's sake you've got to do something! If you don't at least try to help me I'll sue you for everything you have!"

After thinking for a moment the doctor tells the man, "Go home and drink one bottle of Milk of Magnesia, eat one box of Ex-Lax and eat one jar of jalapeno peppers."

With a new sense of hope the man asks, "Will this help to cure AIDS?"

"No", said the doctor, "But it will teach you what an asshole is for."

[Kyoto]

The Arizona Highway Patrol were mystified when they came upon a pile of smoldering wreckage embedded in the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve. The metal debris resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it turned out to be the vaporized remains of an automobile. The make of the vehicle was unidentifiable at the scene.

The folks in the lab finally figured out what it was, and pieced together the events that led up to its demise.It seems that a former Air Force sergeant had somehow got hold of a JATO (Jet Assisted Take-Off) unit. JATO units are solid fuel rockets used to give heavy military transport airplanes an extra push for take-off from short airfields.

Dried desert lakebeds are the location of choice for breaking the world ground vehicle speed record. The sergeant took the JATO unit into the Arizona desert and found a long, straight stretch of road. He attached the JATO unit to his car, jumped in, accelerated to a high speed, and fired off the rocket.

The facts, as best as could be determined, are as follows:

The operator was driving a 1967 Chevy Impala. He ignited the JATO unit approximately 3.9 miles from the crash site. This was established by the location of a prominently scorched and melted strip of asphalt. The vehicle quickly reached a speed of between 250 and 300 mph and continued at that speed, under full power, for an additional 20-25 seconds. The soon-to-be pilot experienced G-forces usually reserved for dog-fighting F-14 jocks under full afterburners.

The Chevy remained on the straight highway for approximately 2.6 miles (15-20 seconds) before the driver applied the brakes, completely melting them, blowing the tires, and leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface. The vehicle then became airborne for an additional 1.3 miles, impacted the cliff face at a height of 125 feet, and left a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock.

Most of the driver's remains were not recovered; however, small fragments of bone, teeth, and hair were extracted from the crater, and fingernail and bone shards were removed from a piece of debris believed to be a portion of the steering wheel.

Ironically a still-legible bumper sticker was found, reading"How do you like my driving? Dial 1-800-EAT-SHIT."

[Kyoto]

About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Sikhs had to leave Italy.

Naturally there was a big uproar from the Sikh community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Sikh community. If the Sikh won, the Sikhs could stay. If the Pope won, the Sikhs would leave.

The Sikhs realized that they had no choice. So they picked a middle-aged man named Harbinder Singh to represent them. Harbinder asked for one additional condition to the debate. To make it more interesting, neither side would be allowed to talk. The Pope agreed.

The day of the great debate came. Harbinder Singh and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute. Then the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Harbinder looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Harbinder pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Harbinder pulled out an apple.

The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Sikhs can stay."

An hour later, the cardinals were gathered around the Pope asking him what had happened.

The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the holy trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"

Meanwhile, the Sikh community had crowded around Harbinder Singh. "What happened?", they asked. "Well," said Harbinder, "First he said to me that the Sikhs had three days to get out of here. I told him to f **k off and not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Sikhs. I let him know that we were staying right here."

"Yes, and then?", asked the crowd.

"I don't know", said Harbinder, "He took out his lunch, and I took out mine! And then he said that we could stay".

[Kyoto]

486 - The average IQ needed to understand a PC.

State-of-the-art - Any computer you can't afford.

Obsolete - Any computer you own.

Microsecond - The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.

G3 - Apple's new Macs that make you say "Gee, three times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a Microsecond ago."

Syntax Error - Walking into a computer store and saying, "Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object."

Hard Drive - The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, esp. after a Syntax Error.

GUI - What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it. (pronounced "gooey")

Keyboard - The standard way to generate computer errors.

Mouse - An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.

Floppy - The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.

Portable Computer - A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips.

Disk Crash - A typical computer response to any critical deadline.

Power User - Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.

System Update - A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.

[Kyoto]

If you owe someone money, always pay them back in a bar. Preferably during happy hour.
Always toast before doing a shot.
Whoever buys the shot gets the first chance to offer a toast.
Change your toast at least once a month.
Buying someone a drink is five times better than a handshake.
Buying a strange woman a drink is still cool. Buying all her drinks is dumb.
Never borrow more than one cigarette from the same person in one night.
When the bartender is slammed, resist the powerful urge to order a slightly-dirty, very-dry, in-and-out, super-chilled half-and-half martini with a lemon twist. Limit orders to beer, straight shots and two-part cocktails.
Get the bartender's attention with eye contact and a smile.
Do not make eye contact with the bartender if you do not want a drink.
Unacceptable things to say after doing a shot: Great, now I'm going to get drunk. I hate shots. It's coming back up.
1Never, ever tell a bartender he made your drink too strong.
If he makes it too weak, order a double next time. He'll get the message.
If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she refuses, she does not like you.
If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she accepts, she still might not like you.
If she buys you a drink, she likes you.
If someone offers to buy you a drink, do not upgrade your liquor preference.
Always have a corkscrew in your house.
If you don't have a corkscrew, push the cork down into the bottle with a pen.
Drink one girly drink in public and you will forever be known as the guy who drinks girly drinks.
Our parents were better drinkers than we are.
Never talk to someone in the restroom unless you're doing the same thing-urinating, waiting in line or washing your hands.
Girls hang out, apply make-up, and have long talks in the bathroom. Men do not.
After your sixth drink, do not look at yourself in the mirror. It will shake your confidence.
It is only permissible to shout ‘woo-hoo!' if you are doing a shot with four or more people.
If there is a d.j., you can request a song only once per night. If he doesn't play it within half an hour, do not approach him again. If he does play it, do not approach him again.
Learn how to make a rose out of a bar napkin. You'll be surprised how well it works.
If you can't afford to tip, you can't afford to drink in a bar. Go to the liquor store.
If you owe someone twenty dollars or less, you may pay them back in beer.
Never complain about the quality or brand of a free drink.
If you have been roommates with someone more than six months, you may drink all their beer, even if it's hidden, as long as you leave them one.
You can have a shot of their hard liquor only if the cap has been cracked and the bottle goes for less than $25.
The only thing that tastes better than free liquor is stolen liquor.
If you bring Old Milwaukee to a party, you must drink at least two cans before you start drinking the imported beer in the fridge.
Learn to appreciate hangovers. If it was all good times every jackass would be doing it.
If you ever feel depressed, get out a bartender's guide and browse through all the drinks you've never tried.
Try one new drink each week.
If you are the bar's sole customer, you are obliged to make small talk with the bartender until he stops acknowledging you. Then you're off the hook. The same goes for him.
Never tip with coins that have touched you. If your change is $1.50, you can tell the barmaid to keep the change, but once she has handed it to you, you cannot give it back. To a bartender or cocktail waitress, small change has no value.
If you have ever told a bartender, "Hey, it all spends the same," then you are a cheap ass.
Anyone on stage or behind a bar is fifty percent better looking.
You can tell how hard a drinker someone is by how close they keep their drink to their mouth.
A bar is a college, not a nursery. If you spill a beer, clean it up. If you break a glass, wait for a staff member to clean it up, then blame it on someone else.
Being drunk is feeling sophisticated without being able to say it.
It's okay to drink alone.
After three drinks, you will forget a woman's name two seconds after she tells you. The rest of the night you will call her "baby" or "darling".
Nothing screams 'nancy boy' louder than swirling an oversized brandy snifter.
Men don't drink from straws. Unless you're doing a Mind or Face Eraser.
If you do a shot, finish it. If you don't plan to finish it, don't accept it.
Never brood in a dance bar. Never dance in a dive bar.
Never play more than three songs by the same artist in a row.
Your songs will come on as you're leaving the bar.
Never yell out jukebox selections to someone you don't know.
Never lie in a bar. You may, however, grossly exaggerate and lean.
If you think you might be slurring a little, then you are slurring a lot. If you think you are slurring a lot, then you are not speaking English.
Screaming, "Someone buy me a drink!" has never worked.
For every drink, there is a five percent better chance you will get in a fight. There is also a three percent better chance you will lose the fight.
Fighting an extremely drunk person when you are sober is hilarious.
If you are broke and a friend is "sporting you", you must laugh at all his jokes and play wingman when he makes his move.
If you are broke and a friend is "making sport of you", you may steal any drink he leaves unattended.
Never rest your head on a table or bar top. It is the equivalent of voluntarily putting your head on a chopping block.
If you are trading rounds with a friend and he asks if you're ready for another, always say yes. Once you fall out of sync you will end up buying more drinks than him.
If you're going to hit on a member of the bar staff, make sure you tip well before and after, regardless of her response.
The people with the most money are rarely the best tippers.
Before you die, single-handedly make one decent martini.
Asking a bartender what beers are on tap when the handles are right in front of you is the equivalent of saying, "I'm an idiot."
Never ask a bartender "what's good tonight" They do not fly in the scotch fresh from the coast every morning.
If there is a line for drinks, get your goddamn drink and step the hell away from the bar.
If there is ever any confusion, the fuller beer is yours.
The patrons at your local bar are your extended family, your fathers and mothers, your brothers and sisters. Except you get to sleep with these sisters. And if you're really drunk, the mothers.
It's acceptable, traditional in fact, to disappear during a night of hard drinking. You will appear mysterious and your friends will understand. If they even notice.
Never argue your tab at the end of the night. Remember, you're hammered and they're sober. It's akin to a precocious five-year-old arguing the super-string theory with a physicist. 99.9% of the time you're wrong and either way you're going to come off as a jackass.
If you bring booze to a party, you must drink it or leave it.
If you hesitate more than three seconds after the bartender looks at you, you do not deserve a drink.
Beer makes you mellow, champagne makes you silly, wine makes you dramatic, tequila makes you felonious.
The greatest thing a drunkard can do is buy a round of drinks for a packed bar.
Never preface a conversation with a bartender with "I know this is going to be a hassle, but...
When you're in a bar and drunk, your boss is just another guy begging for a fat lip. Unless he's buying.
If you are 86'd, do not return for at least three months. To come back sooner makes it appear no other bar wants you.
Anyone with three or more drinks in his hands has the right of way.
If you're going to drink on the job, drink vodka. It's the no-tell liquor.
There's nothing wrong with drinking before noon. Especially if you're supposed to be at work.
The bar clock moves twice as fast from midnight to last call.
A flask engraved with a personal message is one of the best gifts you can ever give. And make sure there's something in it.
You will forget every one of these rules by your fifth drink

[Kyoto]

Rule 1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

Rule 2: It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:

a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
c. After wrecking your boss' car.
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".

Rule 3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

Rule 4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

Rule 5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

Rule 6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However, you may complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

Rule 7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional.

Rule 8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

Rule 9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

Rule 10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

Rule 11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel... and it's free.

Rule 12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

Rule 13: Unless you're in prison, never fight partially clothed or naked.

Rule 14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever.

Rule 15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

Rule 16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

Rule 17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

Rule 18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

Rule 19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

Rule 20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, unless she's withholding sex pending your response.

Rule 21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:

a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c. Another set and we can hit the showers!

Rule 22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

Rule 23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

Rule 24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was.

Rule 25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

Rule 26: Thou shall not buy a car or motorcycle in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

Rule 27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.

Rule 28: There is no reason for guys to watch Men's Figure Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.

[Kyoto]

I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
There is great need for a sarcasm font.
How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
Was learning cursive really necessary?
Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5 I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died
I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
Bad decisions make good stories.
You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.
I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to
"Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this - ever.
I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? **** it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voice mail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would Pat on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.
I wish People Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option
Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it
I would rather try to carry 10 over-loaded plastic bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.
I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk From cutting in at the front. Stay strong brothers and sisters!
Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber & dumber every year?
There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate bicyclists.
Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my*** everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!

[Kyoto]

AP Stats listserve archives dated: Sun, 26 Aug 2001

Every pickle you eat brings you closer to death. Amazingly, the "thinking man" has failed to grasp the terrifying significance of the term, "in a pickle." Pickles are associated with all the major diseases of the body. Eating them breeds wars and communism. They can be related to most airline tragedies. Auto accidents are caused by pickles. There exists a positive relationship between crime waves and consumption of this fruit of the curcurbit family. For example:

Nearly all sick people have eaten pickles. The effects are obviously cumulative.
99.9% of all people who die from cancer have eaten pickles.
100% of all soldiers have eaten pickles.
96.8% of all communist sympathizers have eaten pickles.
99.7% of the people involved in air and auto accidents ate pickles within 14 days preceding the accident.
93.1% of juvenile deliquents come from homes where pickles are served.
Evidence points to long term effects of eating pickles:
Of the people born in 1839 who later dined on pickles, there has been a mortality rate of 100%.
All pickle eaters born between 1908 and 1918 have wrinkled skin, have lost most of their teeth, have brittle bones, and failing eyesight--if the ills of eating pickles have not already caused their death.
Even more convincing is the report of a noted team of medical specialists:
rats force-fed with 20 pounds of pickles per day for 30 days developed bulging abdomens. Their appetites for wholesome food were destroyed.
In spite of all the evidence, pickles growers and packers continue to spread their evil. More than 120,000 acres of fertile US soil are devoted to growing pickles. Our per capita consumption is 4 pounds.
Eat orchid petal soup. Practically no one has as many problems from eating orchid petal soup as they do from eating pickles.

[Kyoto]

The Pope arrives in heaven, where St. Peter awaites him. St. Peter asks the Pope who he is.

The Pope : I am the Pope.

St. Peter: Who? There's no such name in my book.

The Pope : I'm the representative of God on Earth.

St. Peter: Does God have a representative? He didn't tell me...

The Pope : But I am the leader of the Catholic Church...

St. Peter: The Catholic church... Never heard of it... Wait, I'll check with the boss.

St. Peter walks away trough Heaven's Gate to talk with God.

St. Peter: There's a dude standing outside who claims he's your representative on earth.

God : I don't have a representative on earth, not that I know of... Wait, I'll ask Jesus.

(yells for Jesus)

Jesus : Yes father, what's up?

God and St. Peter explain the situation.

Jesus : Wait, I'll go outside and have a little chat with that fellow.

Ten minutes pass and Jesus reenters the room laughing out loud. After a few minutes St. Peter asks Jesus why he's laughing.

Jesus : Remember that fishing club I've started 2000 years ago? It still exists!

[Kyoto]

Dear Mr. Prime,

We have received your accident-claim reports for the month of June—they total 27. I regret to inform you that GEICO will not be able to reimburse you for any of those repairs. I feel that I have sent the same letter to you once a month for the last six months, and I am now sending it again.

Since becoming a GEICO customer in January of this year, you have reported 131 accidents, requesting reimbursement for repairs necessitated by each one. You have claimed not to be responsible in any of them, usually listing the cause of the accident as either "Sneak attack by Decepticons" or "Unavoidable damage caused by protecting freedom for all sentient beings."

The only repairs for which you were reimbursed were the replacement of a cracked fender and a headlight, required after a Mr. I. Ron Hide backed his van into your truck; these cost $1,286.63. Our own investigation concluded that you were not at fault and that Mr. Hide had been drinking prior to the accident. Though police were unable to test his blood-alcohol level—Mr. Hide claimed that it would be impossible for police to examine his blood-alcohol content with a Breathalyzer, because he "doesn't breathe"—under Washington-state law, refusal to take a Breathalyzer test is equivalent to returning a result above the legal level.

But, I repeat, those were the only repairs for which you have been reimbursed, and it was a very minor accident in comparison to your other claims. I mention a few to illustrate the larger trend:

$379,431.34 requested reimbursement for repairs to your truck cabin. You claimed the damage was caused by attacking fighter jets.
$665,789.11 requested reimbursement for repairs to your trailer. You claimed the damage was caused by a giant mechanical scorpion, which I can only assume is some amusement-park ride, although I question the wisdom of bringing your mobile home so close to such dangerous equipment.
$6,564,239.44 requested reimbursement for repairs to a truck part called the "Autobot Matrix of Leadership." You stated this occurred in "an ultimate confrontation between good and evil," with a Ms. Meg Atron and a Mr. U. Nicron causing the damage in question. Mr. Prime, I have checked every known car- and truck-part catalog published in the United States and have found nothing even resembling that part, never mind any part so expensive. Whatever disagreements you had with Ms. Atron and Mr. Nicron, I suggest that next time you either settle things peaceably or leave your Autobot Matrix of Leadership at home so it doesn't break. GEICO does not cover Autobot Matrix of Leaderships.
And the list goes on. Mr. Prime, I am going to remind you again: Your policy with GEICO only reimburses you for accidents that occur while you are engaged in the reasonable use of your truck and trailer. As I told you when you originally purchased the policy, GEICO does not offer Megatron coverage, Starscream coverage, Soundwave coverage, Decepticon coverage, or Energon-blast coverage. Those are just not the types of damages we would expect from reasonable use.

To sum up, GEICO has been unable to reimburse you for any repairs, but due to the high number of accidents you have been a party to this month, combined with the many accidents you have had in the preceding five months, your premium has increased to $235,567.50 per month. While that may seem like a lot, I remind you that it is a savings of $137 over Progressive and $98 over State Farm. Please have your check into our main office by the end of July.

Regards,

Simon Furman
GEICO Agent

[Kyoto]

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die. This is so priceless, and so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today.
A lady died this past January, and The Bank billed her for February March for their annual service charges on her credit card, added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance of $0, is now somewhere around $60. A Family Member placed a call to The Bank.

Here is the exchange:

Family Member: "I am calling to tell you she died in January."
The Bank: "The account was never closed, and the late fees charges still apply."
Family Member: "Maybe you should turn it over to collections."
The Bank: "Since it is 2 months past due, it already has been."
Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"
The Bank: "Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau. Maybe both !"
Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?" (I really liked this part !!!!)
The Bank: "Excuse me?"
Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you? The part about her being dead?"
The Bank: "Sir, you’ll have to speak to my supervisor." !

(Supervisor gets on the phone)

Family Member: "I’m calling to tell you she died in January."
The Bank: "The account was never closed, so the late fees and charges still apply." (This must be a phrase taught by The Bank!)
Family Member: "Do you mean you want to collect from her estate?"
The Bank: (stammering) "Are you her lawyer?"
Family Member: "No, I’m her great-nephew."
The Bank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"
Family Member: "Sure." (fax number is given)

After they get the fax:
The Bank: "Our system just isn’t set up for death. I don’t know what more I can do to help."
Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great ! If not, you could just keep billing her. I really don’t think she will care."
The Bank: "Well, the late fees charges do still apply."
(What is wrong with these people??!!)
Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"
The Bank: "Yes, that will help."
Family Member: " Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69."
The Bank: "Sir, that is a cemetery!"
Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on YOUR planet?!!