Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[beary]

There are three elderly people that get together on Friday night to play cards.

Normally they play in the kitchen but on this night the kitchen is being remodeled. Not having a card table they decide to play cards in the living room with no more than a paper spread over their laps.

Now the three people's name are Peter, Penny and Pricilla.

After a few hours the two ladies decide to "powder their noses." While in the powder room Pricilla looks at Penny and says "Penny did you see Peter's pecker poking through the paper in the parlor as we were playing poker?"

Penny replied "Pricilla, don't talk about Peter's pecker poking through the paper in the parlor as we were playing poker! It makes my pussy pucker and I can't pee!"

[bigbirdbird]

A Cow's Tail

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to YOU?"

"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our golf balls into a field of cattle. We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end."

"I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's ass.

Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!'"

"I don't remember much after that"

[bigbirdbird]

There are two sperm and they're swimming and swimming and swimming for what seems like forever. They're starting to get tired and one sperm says to the other, "Do you think we should pull over and ask for directions?"

The other sperm replies, "Naaaahhhhh, we can find it."

So, they keep swimming. Finally, they see another sperm, who's almost dead, and decide to stop and ask for directions. They ask, "Do you think you can help us get to where we are going?"

The almost dead sperm says, "I'll try, where ya going?"

The two sperms reply, "Well, we're trying to find the fallopian tubes so that we can try and fertilize the egg."

The almost dead sperm just starts laughing. The other two sperms look at one another, somewhat confused, and ask, "What's so funny?"

The almost dead sperm finally regains his composure and replies, "Well, you guys have a long way to go...... you're still in the esophagus."

[bigbirdbird]

There once was a man who lived in New York whose name was Joe. He had learned a trade from his father years ago, and he still practiced it, even in modern times. His father taught him all of the in's and out's of how to suck a boil clean of all it's nasty puss and other ingredients, and he prospered at this occupation, advertising in the Yellow Pages, getting referal business, and word of mouth (Yuck!) advertising.

One day, Joe received a call from a woman who had heard of his talents. She told Joe that she had a rather large boil that was festered, and needed it taken care of. Joe assured her that it would be no problem, his standard
fee was $50.00, and the deal seemed to be firm. The woman gave directions to her house and set up a time for Joe to perform his work.

Upon arriving at the woman's house, he immediately started to work. He told the woman to expose the boil, and he would take care of it post haste. At this point, the woman told Joe that the boil was in extremely sensitive area of her body, about 1/4 inch below her vagina. Joe told her, "No problem, that will be another $20.00". She agreed, and then told Joe that there was another problem: She was in the middle of the heaviest part of her period. Joe told her, "No problem, that will be an additional $30.00".

Again, she agreed, so Joe started to practice his trade.

After about 10 minutes into sucking the boil dry, the woman couldn't help herself, and cut a tremendous fart. Joe, his mouth dripping with puss, pulled away from his task and asked "What are you doing, trying to make me sick?"

[bigbirdbird]

There was a father and son who were always in competition with each other. One day the son left to take an entrance exam at a university. He wanted to major in medicine. A week later he returned from his trip looking very down in the dumps.

"How was the exam?" asked his father.

"They asked quite a lot of 'fill in the missing letter' questions about first aid and stuff. I got a score of 75%. It wasn't good enough to get accepted," the boy replied.

"Well in that case I better take that exam myself," the father said. So off to the university he went. A week later the father returned from his trip looking very down in the dumps.

"How was the exam?" asked his son.

"They asked quite a lot of 'fill in the missing letter' questions about first aid and I got them all wrong but one."

"Gee, Dad. Which question was that?"

"The question was...", started the father, "What do you do when you come across a lady which has fainted. You feel her pu_s_?"

"That's easy", the son replied. "The answer is pulse."

"Oh, hell," said the father," I got that one wrong as well."

[bigbirdbird]

There was a guy so addicted to golf that all he did is go out on the links every single day.

He had ambitions of making it to the Pros, so he took his game very seriously.

One windy day while playing in the finals of a a tournament, the guy was in contention, so he played every shot with utmost care and concentration.

After all the scores were submitted, he was declared the winner of the tournament.

He went home to his wife with the trophy and some small cash prize.

He kept repeating his round over dinner.

The wife, who is not the least bit interested in golf, got up and went to bed early.

The guy follows after a few hours, still high on his golf championship.

At around two in the morning, the wife jumps up and screams at her husband, who also gets startled and wakes up.

"What happened? Why are you screaming?" the guy asked his wife.

"Why wouldn't I shout? You just pulled a patch of hair from my pussy and threw it up in the air!"

[BaoBei512]

Apples and Wine
.
Women are like apples on trees.
The best ones are at the top of the tree.
Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt.
Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy.
The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing.
They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

P.S:- If too ripe, we fall off, land on the man's head and give him a bright idea!

Now Men...

Men are like a fine wine They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn
into something acceptable to have dinner with.

[BaoBei512]

The Final Screening.
.
A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until
one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.

The lawyer said that getting a divorce could depend on the circumstances,
and asked him the following questions:



"Have you any grounds"?
"Yes, an acre and half and nice little home".

"No, I meant what is the foundation of this case"?
It's made of concrete

"I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge"?
"No, we have carport, and not need one".

I mean, what are your relations like?
"All my relations still in Poland".

"Is there any infidelity in your marriage"?
"We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player".

"Does your wife beat you up"?
"No, I always up before her".

"Is your wife a nagger"?
"No, she white".

"Why do you want this divorce"?
"She going to kill me".

"What makes you think that"?
"I got proof".

"What kind of proof"?
"She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in
bathroom. I can read, and it say: "Polish Remover"



.

[BaoBei512]

AIDS WARNING!!!

Senior Citizens are the leading carriers of Aids -
To all of you approaching 50 or who have REACHED 50
And past,
This 1 is especially for you...
SENIOR CITIZENS ARE THE NATION'S LEADING CARRIERS OF AIDS!


HEARING AIDS
BAND AIDS
ROLL AIDS
WALKING AIDS
MEDICAL AIDS
GOVERNMENT AIDS
MOST OF ALL,


FINANCIAL AID


TO THEIR CHILDREN!

Not forgetting HIV

(Hair Is Vanishing)

[BaoBei512]

Watermelon Patch
There was a farmer who grew watermelons.
He was doing pretty well, but he wasdisturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat his watermelons.

After some careful thought, he came up with a clever idea that
he thought would scare the kids away for sure.
He made up a sign and posted it in the field.
The next day, the kids show up and they saw the sign which read,

"Warning!

One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide."
The kids ran off, made up their own sign and posted it next to the farmer's sign.
When the farmer returned,he surveyed the field.
He noticed that no watermelons are
missing, but the sign next to his read,
"Now there are two!"

[BaoBei512]

Some Mathematics +Logic: -

Here is a little something that is indisputable mathematical logic.

Remember, this is a strictly mathematical viewpoint. It goes like this:-

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:


If:-

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:-

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:-

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K

8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E

11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But ,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E

1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T

2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G

1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.

[BaoBei512]

Be Careful With What U Ask For
One day a man spotted a lamp by the roadside.

He picked it up, rubbed it vigorously, and a genie appeared.

"I'll grant you your fondest wish," the genie said.

The man thought for a moment, then said, "I want a spectacular job -- a job that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever even dared try."

"Poof!" said the genie.

"You're a housewife."

[BaoBei512]

Red Shirt
It Seems there was a treasure ship on its way back to port.

About halfway there, it was approached by a pirate, skull and crossbones waving in the breeze! "Captain, captain, what do we do?" asked the first mate.

"First mate," said the captain, "go to my cabin, open my sea chest, and bring me my red shirt."

The first mate did so. Wearing his bright red shirt, the captain inspired his crew to fight. So inspiring was he, in fact, that the pirate ship was repelled without casualties.

A few days later, the ship was again approached, this time by two pirate ships. "Captain, captain, what should we do?"

"First mate, bring me my red shirt!" The crew, emboldened by their fearless captain, fought heroically, and managed to defeat both boarding parties, though they took many casualties. That night, the survivors had a great celebration.

The first mate asked the captain the secret of his bright red shirt. "It's simple, first mate. If I am wounded, the blood does not show, and the crew continues to fight without fear."

A week passed, and they were nearing their home port, when suddenly the lookout cried that ten ships of the enemy's armada were approaching!

"Captain, captain, we're in terrible trouble, what do we do?" The first mate looked expectantly at the miracle worker. Pale with fear, the captain commanded, "First mate....bring me my brown pants!"

[BaoBei512]

MARRIED LIFE - MAKES MY EYES TEAR UP, SUCH A HAPPY ENDING !!

A couple had only been married for two weeks and the husband, although very much in love,

Couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.

So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."

"Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife

"I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face," he answered.

"I'm going to have a beer."

The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?"

She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer,

Brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan , India , etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was,

"Yes, Lollipop... But at the bar... You know... They have frozen glasses... "

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying,

"You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?"

She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that

She was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said,

"Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious...

I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

"You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?"

She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and little quiches.

"But my sweet honey... At the bar.... You know there's swearing, dirty words and all that.."

"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie?

LISTEN UP CHICKEN SHIT! SIT YOUR BLOODY ASS DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO A DAMNED BAR! THAT SHIT IS OVER, GOT IT, JACKASS?"
And...they lived happily ever after.

[BaoBei512]

Management Lesson

One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, and drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops - a few people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well.

At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six feet eight,built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said, "Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back.

Did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and basically meek? Well, he was. Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't happy about it. The next day the same thing happened - Big John got on again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the next.

This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him. Finally he could stand it no longer. He signed up for body building courses, karate, judo, and all that good stuff.

By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong; what's more, he felt really good about himself. So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus and said, "Big John doesn't pay!"

The driver stood up, glared back at the passenger, and screamed, "And why not?"

With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, "Big John has a bus pass."

Management Lesson: "Be sure there is a problem in the first place before working hard to solve one."