Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[bigbirdbird]

One fine day as Jack was attending to his daily chores he saw Mabel bending over to milk the cow. He felt himself become aroused for the first time and, shocked, ran to find the farmer to explain this strange phenomena.

Upon finding the farmer he proceeded to drop his trousers and whip out his stiff trouser snake much to the horror of the farmer.

"Farmer, farmer," Jack cried, "what is happening to my penis?"

"Now settle down and put that thing away." said the farmer.

"Don't worry about it. It happens to all men."

"But I don't like it!" cried Jack.

"Well then," said the farmer, "next time it happens just go into the milk shed, get some cow shit and rub it on your dick. It'll go down quick smart, trust me."

The next day Jack was passing by the house when he looked in and saw the farmer’s wife having a shower. Feeling his member getting hard he rushed into the cow shed, ropped his pants and picked up two handful of shit. Just then Mabel walked into the shed.

"What are you doing Jack?" asked Mabel.

"Well," Jack replied, “I’m gonna rub this shit on my dick to make it go down."

"That would be a waste." Mabel said as she laid down on the ground and lifted her skirt. "Why don't you stick it up here?"

So he did. Both hands full of shit!

[bigbirdbird]

A man is showering up in a locker room with his buddy when he notices his friend is very well endowed.

'Damn, Bob , you're hung!' Jim exclaims.

'I wasn't always this impressive; I had to Work for it.'

'What do you mean?' Jim asked.

'Well, every day for the past two years I’ve spent an hour each night rubbing it

With butter. I know it sounds crazy but It actually made it grow 4 inches! You

Should try it.

'Jim agrees and the two depart'

A few months later the two are back in the Same locker room and Bob asks Jim How his situation was.

Jim replied, 'I did what you said, Bob , But I've actually gotten smaller! I lost Two inches already!'

'Did you do everything I told you? An Hour each day with butter?'

'Well, we don't use butter, so I've Been using Crisco.'

Crisco!!' Bob exclaimed. '

Damn it, Jim, Crisco is shortening!

MORAL OF THE STORY: You gotta follow the recipe

[Zemgo]

The Perfect Husband


Several men are in the changing room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello."

WOMAN: "Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I am at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only £1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2006 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "£45,000."

MAN: "OK, but for that price, I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .....the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking £450,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of £400,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It is really a pretty good price."

WOMAN: "OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much!!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.....

Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

[Zemgo]

Penis Study


In 1993, the American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man’s penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $180,000.00 they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

After the US published the study, France decided to do their own study. After $250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

Limerick County Council, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was to keep a man’s hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.

[Zemgo]

A Serious Medical Condition


Queen Elizabeth II was visiting one of New York's finest hospitals and during her tour of the wards she passed a room where one of the male patients was masturbating.

"Oh God," said the Queen, "that's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this?"

The doctor leading the tour explains, "I am sorry your Royal Highness, but this man has a very serious condition where his testicles fill up rapidly with semen. If he doesn't do what he is doing at least 5 times per day, he could swell up and he might die"

"Oh, I am sorry," said the Queen, "I was unaware that such a medical condition existed."

On the same floor they soon passed another room where a young, blonde nurse was performing oral sex on another patient.

"Oh my God," said the Queen, "What's happening here?"

The doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."

[bigbirdbird]

IT'S YOUR WORLD

FOREIGN ENGLISH FUNNY INTERPRETED
.

[1] IN A BANGKOK TEMPLE:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.

[2] Cocktail Lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

[3] Doctor's Office, Rome :
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

[4] Dry Cleaners, Bangkok :
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.

[5] In a Nairobi Restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE, OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

[6] On the main road to Mombasa , leaving Nairobi :
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

[7] On a Poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP.

[8] In a City Restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.

[9] In a Cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS, FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.

[10] Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE, OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.

[11] On the menu of a Swiss Restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

[12] In a Tokyo Bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

[13] Hotel, Yugoslavia:
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE, IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

[14] Hotel, Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

[15] In the lobby of a Moscow Hotel, across from a Russian Orthodox Monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY, WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY, EXCEPT THURSDAY.

[16] A sign posted in Germany 's Black Forest :
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE, THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT, UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.

[17] Hotel, Zurich :
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

[18] Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand :
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

[19] Airline ticket office, Copenhagen :
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS. (Just Like British Airways!!!)

[20] A Laundry in Rome :
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND THEN SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.

[21] Seen in an Abu Dhabi Souk shop window:
IF THE FRONT IS CLOSED PLEASE ENTER THROUGH MY BACKSIDE…

[bigbirdbird]

To prepare for his big date, a young man went to the rooftop of his apartment building to work on his tan.



Not wanting any tan lines, he sunbathed in the nude.

Unfortunately, he fell asleep and his, was sun burnt.

Being very determined, he decided not to miss his date with the hot blonde, so he put some ointment on the beast and wrapped it in gauze.

The young man's date, a beautiful blonde, showed up at his apartment for the promised home cooked meal, and was treated to a feast.





After they finished with the dinner they went into the living room to watch a movie.

During the movie, the young man's sunburn began to hurt.

After several minutes of extreme discomfort he asked to be excused.

A friend had told him that milk was very effective in reducing sunburn pain, so he went to the kitchen, poured a tall glass of cold milk, and placed his sunburned member into the milk.

He experienced immediate relief....

The blonde, wondering what the young man was doing, wandered into the kitchen and found him with his "tool" immersed in the glass of milk....

With a look of understanding the Blonde exclaimed,

" SO, THAT'S HOW YOU RELOAD THOSE THINGS"

[Pankunchi]

thank you everyone for all the jokes here.
some of them are really funny.

[AmericanExpress]

Q: What do you call an irritating Singapore lady having her menstruation?

A: BLOODY SINKIE!

[KIng's Order]

Last week a very important meeting took place among God, the Pope and Moses. They were troubled because the President of the United States was behaving in an inappropriate manner and there were many people who saw nothing wrong in what he had done. They decided that the only course of action left was to create an 11th Commandment to get their message across.

Now, the problem remained exactly how to word this new commandment so that it matched the other commandments in style and holy inspiration. After great meditation and discussion they concluded: "Thou shalt not comfort thy rod with thy staff."

[KIng's Order]

Ma and Pa where rocking on the front porch when Pa turned and slapped Ma, Ma said what was that for? Pa said for forty years of bad sex. Ma said oh and continued rocking. Ma reached over and slapped Pa. Pa said what was that for? Ma said for knowing the difference.

[KIng's Order]

A man at a retirement home was walking around with his zipper down holding his penis.

A young nurse says "Why are you doing that?"

He replies, "It died today."

"Oh that's terrible!", the nurse replied

The next day the man has his penis hanging outside of his pants again.

The same nurse says, "I thought it died yesterday."

The man replies, "It did. Today is the viewing"

[KIng's Order]

One fine morning in Eden, God was looking for Adam and Eve, but couldn't find them. Later in the day God saw Adam and asked where he and Eve were earlier. Adam said, "The morning Eve and I made love for the first time."

God said, "Adam, you have sinned. I knew this would happen. Where is Eve now?"

Adam replied, "She's down at the river, washing herself out."

"Damn," says God, "now all the fish will smell funny."

[KIng's Order]

On little Larry's first day of first grade, he raised his hand as soon as the teacher came into the room and said, 'I don't belong here, I should be in third grade!'

The teacher looked at little Larry's records and told him to please take his seat.

Not five minutes passed when little Larry stood up again and said, 'I don't belong here, I should be in the third grade!'

Larry did this a few more times before the principal came along and the teacher explained Larry's problem. The principal and the first grade teacher told little Larry that if he could answer some questions that they could decide in which grade he belonged. Well, they soon discovered that Larry knew all the state capitals and country capitals that the principal could think of.

The teacher suggested they try some biology questions... 'What does a cow have 4 of but a woman has only 2?' asked the teacher.

'Legs!' Larry immediately replied. "What does a man have in his pants that a woman doesn't?' asked the teacher.

'Pockets!' said Larry.

The teacher looked at the principal, who said, 'Maybe he should be in third grade, I missed those last two questions!'

[Director]

‘Here After’ Routine

Fred’s convertible glided to a halt on the edge of a lonely country road.

"I suppose," said his pretty but reluctant date, "you’re going to pull the old ‘out of gas’ routine."

"No," said Fred, "I’m going to pull the ‘here after’ routine."

"The ‘here after’ routine… what’s that?", she wanted to know.

"If you’re not here after what I’m here after, you’ll be here after I’m gone."