Would you stay in this weird marriage?

[lemontee]

Thanks to all replies. Once I told my gf "Leave your husband lah....Find a better man lah...There are so many out there, surely there will be one that suits u right?" But she wont leave him as she is so comfortable with him already and he takes good care of her.

In her opinion, the starting stage in every r/s is always sweet, however, it will slowly wanes. And even if she did leave him and find another nice man the odds of the other man who could still be so caring after the love has waned is very low. Granted that there is no more love...but the statement "you can't live on love alone" rang so true.

How many of us will still be so caring toward a person you used to love?

[BiRd13]

Originally Posted by lemontee

Thanks to all replies. Once I told my gf "Leave your husband lah....Find a better man lah...There are so many out there, surely there will be one that suits u right?" But she wont leave him as she is so comfortable with him already and he takes good care of her.

In her opinion, the starting stage in every r/s is always sweet, however, it will slowly wanes. And even if she did leave him and find another nice man the odds of the other man who could still be so caring after the love has waned is very low. Granted that there is no more love...but the statement "you can't live on love alone" rang so true.

How many of us will still be so caring toward a person you used to love?

I think most men (including myself) will still be caring towards our other half. Again, caring doesn't mean won't flirt or have affair ba... For ladies, I think most will want their partner to be loving, and caring... Sometimes even they know their other half is having affair outside, some will open one eyes, close one eyes, especially long period together down the marriage life...

[Orchinno]

Hehe
I hear the disconnect here

This is probably the one single biggest point why singapore women don't marry singapore man, "Expectations"

Define "caring" and you will probably find that man thinks differently from woman what constitute caring (in its many dimensions). And worse, I suspect that there's also a communication breakdown. The woman isn't telling the man what she meant by caring & the man is not telling the woman what he thinks caring is

Every person always starts from his/her viewpoint & we always think about ourselves first & why we are wronged by the other person. So, "caring" become a stick to beat the person over the head with

[Orchinno]

Eg. Woman thinks "If you care about me, you will not be having a fling outside. It hurts me emotionally and you don't have a care for my feelings."

Man thinks "If you care about me, you will want to make me happy by boinking 7 times a day. It hurts me emotionally to be rejected in bed and kept at arms length except one a month."

See?

So sad to say, modern marriage is a constant negotiation with the other partner and it is pretty exhausting Imagine negotiating with you boss every day on something that you are emotionally invested it (pay, status, power, whatever else that turns you on). No wonder the divorce rates are high.

Originally Posted by lemontee

How many of us will still be so caring toward a person you used to love?

[justdifferent]

Originally Posted by lemontee

i would like to share a story of a colleague's weird marriage life. (Well, i personally thought its rather peculiar, not sure if its a common scenario among married couples )

Recently a married female colleague joined my male-dominated company and we quickly become good friends as there are not many females around. We regularly went shopping, manicures, spas and short shopping trips to malaysia. One day i got curious and asked her " Hey R...dont you have to accompany your husband? How come you can go anywhere so freely and as and when you like, like a single lady?" I have quite a number of friends but when they got married their life was centered on kids-husband-kids-husband. Hence, when i got to know R i was intrigued. She is married but acts like a single. Here is her story

She and her husband were uni sweet hearts. They dated for many many years before settling down. Went through the normal singapore way. Ring-proposal-BTO-swanky hotel wedding dinner. Before the marriage she was deeply deeply in love with him. And he to her as well. (Well, i probed about the sex part and yes, its normal...like any couple.) The house was ready....they moved in... do the decorating blah blah blah. Sex, again was normal. However, she said somehow she felt he wasnt into it as intense as before the marriage. She dismissed it as probably work stress. The bombshell came a year later.

She discovered naked pics of a woman and lewd messages in his handphone . She confronted him and he admitted an affair. In her own words she said to me "My world become a blur, I felt a part of me died....." She was depressed and suicidal for a few months until her close friends supported and console her. A year later she was completely healed mentally but the part which she said had died never revived. The part that died was her ability to love someone else again.

She asked for a divorce. But apparently her husband refused and did many things for her in order to revive the marriage. She said she was very touched at his efforts but some things can never be revived again. A part of her did not want to divorce--- She couldnt place her finger why either. But she is sure its not because of love for him. In recent years they started to sleep separately (even though if they sleep together there is no sex anymore). He does not restrict her movements and vice versa. Yet, they watch shows together, laugh and eat together. She said if he were to have affairs outside she would not mind anymore cos she understands men have their needs. Her husband cooks, do the housework, pays for every bill....He remains caring, considerate till today... and she have all the freedom to do whatever she wants.

It seems like her husband has become a doting brother....
Initially i felt very sad for her that her marriage has been reduced to such a state. However the more i get to know her the more i realised...that she is one of the most happiest person i have ever known.

I read somewhere before " A person with no emotional baggage... is one happy person" I wonder... if its the case with my friend.

So, iam curious... would you (esp to all the sisters here) stay in this kind of arrangement?

Happy Chinese New Year to all!!!

do you sincerely think that this sort of marriage is weird?

have you taken a look around in singapore? when you put it this way, yes it might seem a little out of the norm. but in actual fact, most of the local marriages, after a few years have lost the love and intimacy and has become nothing but responsibility, care and concern for the family.

comparing this scenario to what is happening out there, the husband in question is actually not a complete asshole because in some twisted way, he does love and care for her. not the way a husband should to a wife, but more like a brother. it is definitely better than people who just abandon the marriage entirely because it is not as amazing as it once was. i know people who are in relationships like that, and what i would say is that it is more common than you think.

the best way to describe it would be that he is like a brother to her, but more than that, and yet less than a lover.

[woohooo]

All I can say is... it is probably more common than you think... it is not easy to make a marriage work...