Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[splicer]

There was a man with a daughter, son, and a wife. The man and his wife were not having very good sex lately so the man went to a doctor and told him about thier problems and the doctor perscribed a pill for the man to take. The doctor warned thought that if the man took more than one pill the side effects could be damaging.

The man made sure to take only one pill and he had the best sex of his life! He went back to the doctor and told him the good news. The doctor said that it was great but warned to take only one pill. He started to worry after a week and a half had gone by and he hadn't heard from the man so he decided to go and make a house call.

When he got to the house he saw the man's son on the front porch and noticed he was crying. The doctor asked why he was crying and the boy replied, "Mommy is dead, my sister is pregnant, my butt hurts, and daddy is running aroung the house calling, here kitty, kitty, kitty!"

[splicer]

Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce to a downtown New York City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of \$5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan. So the businessman hands over the keys to a Rolls-Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the businessman returns, repays the \$5,000 and the interest, which comes to \$15.40. The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is: why would you bother to borrow \$5,000?"

The man smiled. "Where else could I park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only \$15.40?"

[magixskin]

The spark had been lost in this guy's marriage, so he was trying to think of a way to rekindle it. One night he came from work, and found

his wife asleep in bed. He thought to himself, "what should I do?" "Oh-I know." He proceeded to get under the covers and go down on his

wife. Soon she began to gently squirm and moan in pleasure. After a few minutes, her body spasmed with ecstasy as she climaxed.

Afterwards, the man went straight to the bathroom to brush his teeth. When he got there, the light was on and he saw his wife there

shaving her legs. He exclaimed, "What are you doing in here?!?" She said, "Shhhh!," pointing at the bed, "You'll wake your mother"

[magixskin]

Two newlyweds went on their honeymoon and were getting undressed together for the first time. He took off his shoes and socks and his

toes were all twisted and discolored. "What happened to you feet?" his wife asked. "I had a childhood disease called tolio." "Don't you mean

polio?" "No, tolio, it only affects the toes." He then removed his pants and revealed an awful looking pair of knees. "What happened to your

knees?" she asked. "Well, I also had kneesles." "Don't you mean measles?" "No, kneesles, it only affects the knees." When he removed his

shorts his wife gasped and said... "Don't tell me, you also had smallcock!"

[magixskin]

Love is a sensation caused by temptation, to feel penetration - a guy sticks his location into a girls destination to increase population for the next generation.

[Lionel Messi]

some very nice jokes here
gracias.

[fatscrewu]

Allow me to contribute one. Perhaps you may have heard it already.

In a certain small town somewhere in Phillipines, there was this widow who has 3 very beautiful daughters. Having raise them from a tender age their mother really could not see them being married away and not staying with her. So, she told them that should they want to get married they must look for a husband that is willing to stay with her in the same house.

After some time, each of her daughter found a boyfriend and all the 3 decided to get marry on the same day. After the wedding dinner these couples retired to their rooms for the night.

The mother was happy and before she retire for the night she wonders what are they doing at this moment. So she went to the first daughters room and listen at door. She heard the first daughter was crying. She was worried and sad. Poor daughter, your husband must be ill treating you she thought.

She then went to the second dughters room and listen. This time the second daughter was laughing and laughing and laughing. At least the widow is now happy that the second daughter is laughing.

She then went to the third daughters who is her most precious and listen at the door. Very quiet. No laughter, no crying, nothing but just silent. She is really worried now and just cant wait till morning to find out.

Morning came, she asked the first daughter, my dear why were you crying last night. Her reply was....mom my husband's is really big
She asked the second girl, then why were you laughing. Her reply was...mom my husband is so good with his tongue I cant help but laugh
Finally she asked the third daughter, my dear then why were you so quiet.........mom in school I was told that it is very rude to talk when you have something in your mouth....

[albert05]

為何只包一個？


某老闆05年為了包二奶，在深圳買了一套房子讓二奶居住，

每個月再給二奶5000塊錢零用，買房子花了50萬左右；
今年跟二奶分了手並將房子賣掉，得錢320萬．算下來
白玩女人5年，最後還賺了240萬塊錢！
不禁得意逢人便炫耀此事…
老闆妻得知後，勃然大怒，大罵一頓：






為何只包一個？

[magixskin]

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon place for their 25th anniversary.

As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband: "When you first saw my naked body
in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied: "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked: "What are you thinking now?"

He replied: "It looks like I did a pretty good job."

[magixskin]

Two 90 year olds had been dating for a while, when the man told the woman, "Well, tonight's the night we have sex!"

And so they did.

As they are lying in bed afterward, the man thinks to himself, "My God, if I knew she was a virgin, I would have been much more gentle with her!"

And the woman was thinking to herself, "My God, if I knew the old geezer could actually get it up, I would have taken off my panty hose!"

[magixskin]

A guy walks into an elevator and stands next to a beautiful woman. After a few minutes he turns to her and says, "Can I smell your pussy?"

The woman looks at him in disgust and says, "Certainly not!"

"Hmmm," he replies. "It must be your feet, then."

[Waukee]

Which fish can perform operations?
A Sturgeon!

Where do little fishes go every morning?
To plaice school!

What fish goes up the river at 100mph?
A motor pike!

How could the dolphin afford to buy a house?
He prawned everything!

1st kipper: 'Smoking's bad for you'
2nd kipper: 'It's OK, I've been cured'

What kind of fish is useful in freezing weather?
Skate!

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Fsh!

What lives in the ocean, is grouchy and hates neighbours?
A hermit crab!

What do you get from a bad-tempered shark?
As far away as possible!

Why did the whale cross the road?
To get to the other tide!

[Waukee]

Where do shellfish go to borrow money?
To the prawn broker!

What do you call a big fish who makes you an offer you can't refuse?
The Codfather!

What happened to the shark who swallowed a bunch of keys?
He got lockjaw!

Where do fish wash?
In a river basin!

What fish only swims at night?
A starfish!

How do fish go into business?
The start on a small scale!

Which fish go to heaven when they die?
Angelfish!

What is the best way to communicate with a fish?
Drop it a line!

Where do you weigh whales?
At a whale weigh station!

What kind of horse can swim underwater without coming up for air?
A seahorse!

[Waukee]

Where are most fish found?
Between the head and the tail!

What kind of fish will help you hear better?
A herring aid!

What do fish sing to each other?
Salmon-chanted evening!

How does an octopus go to war?
Well-armed!

Where do you find a down-and-out octopus?
On squid row!

What do you get if you cross an abbot with a trout?
Monkfish!

What bit of fish doesn't make sense?
The piece of cod that passeth all understanding!

What is dry on the outside, filled with water and blows up buildings?
A fish tank!

What was the Tsar of Russia's favorite fish?
Tsardines!

What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus?
I wanna hold you hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand!

[Waukee]

What do you get if you cross a trout with an apartment?
A flat fish!

What do you call a dangerous fish who drinks too much?
A beer-a-cuda!

Who has eight guns and terrorises the ocean?
Billy the Squid!

What happened to the cold jellyfish?
It set!

What's the coldest fish in the sea?
A blue whale!

What did the sardine call the submarine?
A can of people!

What's the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can't tuna fish!

Why are sardines the stupidest fish in the sea?
Because they climb into tins, close the lid and leave teh key outside!

How do the fish get to school?
By octobus!

Why did the lobster blush?
Because the sea weed!