Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[albert05]

40 MISTAKES MEN MAKE WHILE HAVING SEX WITH WOMEN

no offence.. but guys juz hv to learn.....

1) NOT KISSING FIRST.
Avoiding her lips and diving straight for the erogenous zones makes her feel like you're paying by the hour and trying to get your money's worth by cutting out nonessentials. A proper passionate kiss is the Ultimate form of foreplay.

2) BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR.
Admit it, some kid at school told you girls love this. Well, there's a difference between being erotic and blowing as if you're trying to extinguish the candles on your 50th birthday cake. That hurts.

3) NOT SHAVING.
You often forget you have a porcupine strapped to your chin which you rake repeatedly across your partner's face and thighs. When she turns her head from side to side, it's not passion, it's avoidance.

4) SQUEEZING HER BREAST.
Most men act like a housewife testing a melon for ripeness when they get their hand on a pair. Stroke, caress, and smooth them.

5) BITING HER NIPPLES.
Why do men fasten onto a woman's nipples, then clamp down like they're trying to deflate her body via her breasts? Nipples are highly sensitive. They can't stand up to chewing. Lick and suck them gently. Flicking your tongue across them is good. Pretending they're a dogie toy isn't.

6) TWIDDLING HER NIPPLES.
Stop doing that thing where you twiddle the nipples between finger and thumb like you're trying to find a radio station in a hilly area. Focus on the whole breasts, not just the exclamation points.

7) IGNORING THE OTHER PARTS OF HER BODY.
A woman is not a highway with just three turnoffs: Breastville East and West, and the Midtown Tunnel. There are vast areas of her body which you've ignored far too often as you go bombing straight into downtown Vagina. So start paying them some attention.

8) GETTING THE HAND TRAPPED.
Poor manual dexterity in the underskirt region can result in tangled fingers and underpants. If you're going to be that aggressive, just ask her to take the damn things off.

9) LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT.
Condom disposal is the man's responsibility. You wore it, you store it.

10) ATTACKING THE CLITORIS.
Direct pressure is very unpleasant, so gently rotate your fingers along side of the clitoris.

11) STOPPING FOR A BREAK.
Women, unlike men, don't pick up where they left off. If you stop, they plummet back to square one very fast. If you can tell she's not there, keep going at all costs, numb jaw or not.

12) UNDRESSING HER AWKWARDLY.
Women hate looking stupid, but stupid she will look when naked at the waist with a sweater stuck over her head. Unwrap her like an elegant present, not a kid's toy.

13) GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING FOREPLAY.
Stroking her gently through her panties can be very sexy. Pulling the material up between her thighs and yanking it back
and forth is not.

14) BEING OBSESSED WITH THE VAGINA.
Although most men can find the clitoris without
maps, they still believe that the vagina is where it's all at. No sooner is your hand down there than you're trying to stuff stolen banknotes up a chimney. This is okay in principle, but if you're not careful, it can hurt so don't get carried away. It's best to pay more attention to her clitoris and the exterior of her vagina at first, then gently slip a finger inside her and see if she likes it.

15) MASSAGING TOO ROUGHLY.
You're attempting to give her a sensual, relaxing massage to get her in the mood. Hands and fingertips are okay; elbows and knees are not.

16) UNDRESSING PREMATURELY.
Don't force the issue by stripping before she's at least made some move toward getting your stuff off, even if it's just undoing a couple of buttons.

17) TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST.
A man in socks and underpants is a at his worst. Lose the socks first.

18) GOING TOO FAST.When you get to the penis-in-vagina situation, the worst thing you can do is pump away like an industrial power tool -she'll soon feel like an assembly-line worker made obsolete by your technology. Build up slowly, with clean, straight, regular thrusts.

19) GOING TOO HARD.
If you bash your great triangular hip bones into her thigh or stomach, the pain is equal to two weeks of horseback riding concentrated into a few seconds.

20) COMING TOO SOON.
Every man's fear. With reason. If you shoot before you see the whites of her eyes, make sure you have a backup plan to ensure her pleasure too.

21) NOT COMING SOON ENOUGH.
It may appear to you that humping for an hour without climaxing is the mark of a sex god, but to her it's more likely the mark of a numb vagina. At least buy some intriguing wall hangings, so she has something to hold her interest while you're playing Marathon Man.

22) ASKING IF SHE HAS COME.
You really ought to be able to tell. Most women make noise. But if you really don't know, don't ask

23) PERFORMING ORAL SEX TOO GENTLY.
Don't act like a giant cat at a saucer of milk.
Get your whole mouth down there, and concentrate on gently rotating or flicking your tongue on her clitoris.

24) NUDGING HER HEAD DOWN.
Men persist in doing this until she's eyeball-to-penis, hoping that it will lead very swiftly to mouth-to-penis. All women hate this. It's about three steps from being dragged to a cave by their hair. If you want her to use her mouth, use yours; try talking seductively to her.

25) NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU CLIMAX.
Sperm tastes like sea water mixed with egg white. Not everybody likes it. When she's performing oral sex, warn her before you come so she can do what's necessary.

26) MOVING AROUND DURING FELLATIO. Don't thrust. She'll do all the moving during fellatio. You just lie there. And don't grab her head.

27) TAKING ETIQUETTE ADVICE FROM PORN MOVIES.
In X-rated movies, women seem to love it when men ejaculate over them. In real life, it just means more laundry to do.

28) MAKING HER RIDE ON TOP FOR AGES.
Asking her to be on top is fine. Lying there grunting while she does all the hard work is not. Caress her gently, so that she doesn't feel quite so much like the captain of a schooner. And let her have a rest.

29) ATTEMPTING ANAL SEX AND PRETENDING IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.
This is how men earn a reputation for not being able to follow directions. If you want to put it there, ask her first. And don't think that being drunk is an excuse.

30) TAKING PICTURES.
When a man says, "Can I take a photo of you?" she'll hear the words"__to show my buddies." At least let her have custody of them.

31) NOT BEING IMAGINATIVE ENOUGH.
Imagination is anything from drawing patterns onher back to pouring honey on her and licking it off. Fruit,
vegetables, ice and feathers are all handy props; hot candle wax and permanent dye are a no no.

32) SLAPPING YOUR STOMACH AGAINST HERS.
There is no less erotic noise. It's as sexy as a belching contest.

33) ARRANGING HER IN STUPID POSES.
If she wants to do advanced yoga in bed, fine, but unless she's a Romanian gymnast, don't get too ambitious.

34) LOOKING FOR HER PROSTATE.
Read this carefully: Anal stimulation feels good for men because they have a prostate. Women don't.

35) GIVING LOVE BITES.
It is highly erotic to exert some gentle suction on the sides of the neck, if you do it carefully. No woman wants to have to wear turtlenecks and jaunty scarves for weeks on end.

36) BARKING INSTRUCTIONS.
Don't shout encouragement like a coach with a megaphone. It's not a bigturn-on.

37) TALKING DIRTY.
It makes you sound like a lonely magazine editor calling a 1-900 line. If she likes nasty talk, she'll let you know

38) NOT CARING WHETHER SHE COMES.
You have to finish the job. Keep on trying until you get it right, and she might even do the same for you.

39) SQUASHING HER.
Men generally weigh more than women, so if you lie on her a bit too heavily, she will turn blue.

40) THANKING HER.
Never thank a woman for having sex with you. Your bedroom is not a soup kitchen

[Waukee]

Country Style
A city slicker shoots a duck out in the country. As he’s retrieving it, a farmer walks up and stops him, claiming that since the duck is on his farm, it technically belongs to him. After minutes of arguing, the farmer proposes they settle the matter "country style."

"What’s country style?" asks the city boy.

"Out here in the country," the farmer says, "when two fellers have a dispute, one feller kicks the other one in the balls as hard as he can. Then that feller, why, he kicks the first one as hard as he can. And so forth. Last man standin’ wins the dispute."

Warily the city boy agrees and prepares himself. The farmer hauls off and kicks him in the groin with all his might. The city boy falls to the ground in the most intense pain he’s ever felt, crying like a baby and coughing up blood. Finally he staggers to his feet and says, "All right, n-now it’s–it’s m-my turn."

The farmer grins. "Aw, hell, you win. Keep the duck."

[Waukee]

Ice Fishing Blondes
There was a competition between a team of blondes and a team of brunettes to see who could catch the most fish icefishing. Once the contest started, it was clear that the brunettes were going to win, as they kept pulling out fish after fish. Soon, the blondes got worried and sent over one of their team to see what the brunettes were doing differently. A few minutes later, the blonde comes running back.

"A hole! You need to put a hole in the ice!"

[Waukee]

Bush and the Queen
While on a state visit to England, George Bush meets the queen and proclaims, “As I’m the president of America, I’m thinking of changing how my great country is referred to. It should be called a kingdom.”

The queen replies, “I’m sorry, Mr. Bush, but to be a kingdom, you have to have a king in charge, and you’re not a king.”

Bush thinks for a moment and then asks, “How about a principality then?”

The queen replies, “Again, to be a principality, you have to be a prince, and you’re not a prince, Mr. Bush.”

Bush thinks long and hard and comes up with another option. “How about an empire?”

Getting a little annoyed by now, the queen replies, “Sorry again, Mr. Bush, but to be an empire you must have an emperor in charge, and you are not an emperor.”

Before Bush could utter another word, the queen offers solace. “Don’t worry, Mr. Bush, under your leadership, America is perfect as a country.”

[Waukee]

Ghosts Visit Bush
George W. Bush was thrilled at finally being able to spend his first night in the White House, but something very strange happened. On the very first night, he was awakened by George Washington’s ghost. Bush asked the ghost, “President Washington, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?”

“Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did,” advised Washington.

With all the excitement of the White House, Bush still couldn’t sleep well, and then, later on that night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the dark bedroom.

“Tom, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?” Bush asked.

“Cut taxes and reduce the size of the government,” Jefferson answered.

Bush still couldn’t sleep well, so much later, on the same night he saw another ghostly figure moving in the shadows. It was Abraham Lincoln’s ghost.

“Abe, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?,” Bush asked.

Lincoln replied, “Go see a play.”

[Waukee]

Playing Doctor
A mother picks up her six-year-old daughter from school and asks her what she did today.

"I met a boy named Darren and we played doctor together," replied the girl. "I was the patient."

Concerned by this but trying not to sound too alarmed, the mother calmly asked her daughter what Darren did to her when he was playing doctor.

"Well, he made me wait for almost an hour and then double-billed my insurance company."

[Waukee]

Running Rabbit
A rabbit running through the forest stumbles upon a deer rolling a joint. The rabbit says, “Don’t do that. Come running with me. It’s much more fun!” The deer takes off with the rabbit.

They come across an elephant doing coke. “Come running with us, elephant,” says the rabbit. “You’ll feel so good!” The elephant decides to join in the fun.

The animals encounter a lion about to shoot up. Before the rabbit can say anything, the lion knocks it unconscious.

The deer screams, “Lion, what are you doing? He’s trying to help us!” The lion answers, “The fucker makes me run around the forest like an idiot every time he takes Ecstasy!”

[Waukee]

Divine Intervention
Father Norton wakes up to a beautiful and sunny Sunday morning and decides he just has to play golf. He pretends he’s sick and convinces the associate pastor to say Mass for him that day, then heads out of town to a golf course about 40 miles away so he won’t run into anyone from his parish. On the first tee, he sees that he has the entire course to himself—everyone else is in church!

Watching all this from the heavens, Saint Peter leans over to the Lord and asks, "Are you going to let him get away with this?"

Just then Father Norton hits the ball and it heads straight for the pin, dropping just short of it, rolls up and falls into the hole-a 420 yard hole in one!

Astonished, St. Peter looks at the Lord and asks, "Why in Heaven did you let him do that?"

The Lord smiles and replies, "Who’s he going to tell?"

[Waukee]

Penis Study
A man boards a plane and waits patiently for the rest of the passengers to take their seats. With the seat next to him still available, he spots a beautiful woman working her way down the aisle.

His wishes are fulfilled as she sits down next to him and introduces herself.

"So what do you do for a living," he asks her.

"I'm a scientist," she replies.

"What kind of scientist?"

The woman hesitates for a moment and smiles, then says, "This is actually a little bit embarrassing. I'm on this flight to go to a sexual health conference. I recently completed a study on the penis and the variances between different races and backgrounds."

"Oh yeah?" the man asks. "What were your results?"

"Well," she says, "I discovered that Native American males have the longest penises, on average, Japanese men the shortest, and Polish men have penises with the widest average girth."

The man quickly replies, "That's fascinating." He then holds out his hand and says, "My name's Tonto Kowalski, nice to meet you."

[beary]

A Pennsylvania farmer was selling his peaches door to door.

He knocked on a door and a shapely 40 something lady dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door. He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked, "Would you like to buy some peaches?"

She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked, "Are they as firm as this?"

He nodded his head and said, "Yes ma'am," and a little tear ran from his eye.

Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off
asking, "Are they nice and pink like this?"

The farmer said, "Yes,"and another tear came from the other eye.

Then the lady unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked, "Are they as fuzzy as this?"

He again said, "Yes," and broke down crying.

The lady asked, "Why on earth are you crying?"

Drying his eyes he replied, "The drought got my corn, the flood got my soy beans, a tornado leveled my barn and now I'm gonna get screwed out of my peaches."

[beary]

Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married....

If this does not make you laugh out loud, you have lost your sense of humour.

The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.' I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!'

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around
3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

(Even when totally smashed.... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoos MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem pissed off in the least.

Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'

When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh shit.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

[beary]

It's Abt Sex World's Record

Love Adult Mails (18+) ? Join This Group

1) The most ejaculatory orgasms ever recorded in 1 hour for a man is 16.

2) The farthest a woman has been recorded to ejaculate is about 9'29" (3 m).

3) The greatest distance attained for a jet of semen that has ever been recorded is 18'9" (5.71 m) which was achieved with a "substantial" amount of seminal fluid by Horst Schultz.

4) The average speed of a man's ejaculation is 28 miles (45.05 km) per hour. The average speed of a city bus is 25 miles (40.22 km) per hour.

5) Having swallowed the most amount of semen ever officially recorded Michelle Monaghan had 1.7 pints (0.96 liter) of semen pumped out of her stomach in Los Angeles in July 1991.

6) The female gangbang world record is owned by a woman named Houston who had intercourse with 620 men in one day! A video was made of this historic event. As it took about 10 hours (with a few very brief breaks) to do it, the average time of intercourse was less than 58 seconds.

7) Women hold the record for having the most orgasms. The biggest amount of orgasms enjoyed by a woman in 1 hour ever recorded is a ***** shattering 134!

8) The male gangbang world record goes to porn actor Jon Dough who worked himself over 55 women in one day. He had 5 to 6 ejaculations. Actually, he was supposed to have had intercourse with at least 101 women, but he did the other 46 two weeks later.

9) The record of the man who has had intercourse the most frequently goes to a man who was recorded to have had intercourse about 52,000 times over a period of 30 years. This means he had intercourse on average 33.3 times a week!

10) Youngest Father - Sean Stewart, of Sharnbrook, England, became the father of a healthy 6 lb. Baby boy on January 20, 1998, at age 12

[beary]

MERRY CHRISTMAS - YOU THINK YOU GOT IT BAD!
All night long, soot in the chimneys, smelly socks, cross dogs, shot at, mistaken for the stork, driving all night in the snow, damn near got killed by a 747, Mrs. Claus pissed off at me because I got in too late.

And that isn't all.

Blitzen, Dasher and Rudolph got the shits over New Delhi, India you should see my suit. The damn elves won't clean the sleigh unless I pay them double time.

I am so sick of cookies and milk I could vomit. The only highball I had all night was when I slipped getting out of the sleigh.

My prostrate is giving me hell! I pissed my pants at 20,000 feet and froze to the seat.

I'm allergic to pine needles. I itch all over. I think my hemorrhoids are coming back.

Ho! Ho! Ho! My ass!!!!!

[splicer]

A lady, at pedestrian crossing, waiting to cross the road saw the little Green Man and heard the audible sound so duly crossed over to the other pavement. An American visitor asked what the purpose of the audible sound was. On being told it was for blind people she said, ‘Oh, we don’t let them drive in America’.

[splicer]

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really upset.
She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!”
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.