Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[Waukee]

Mean Pit Bull
A woman was leaving a 7-11 with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash.

Behind her were 200 women walking single file.

The woman couldn't stand her curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said "I am so sorry for your loss and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this.

Whose funeral is it?"

The woman replied "Well, that first hearse is for my husband."

"What happened to him?"

The woman replied "My dog attacked and killed him."

She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two women.

"Could I borrow that dog?"

Get in line."

[Waukee]

Did you hear about the new dog cross-breeds?


They crossed a Collie and a Lhasa Apso.
The new breed is a Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport.


They crossed a Spitz and a Chow-Chow.
The new breed is a Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot.


They crossed a Pointer and a Setter.
The new breed is a Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet.


They crossed a Great Pyrenees and a Dachshund.
The new breed is a Pyradachs, a puzzling breed.


They crossed a Pekingese and a Lhasa Apso.
The new breed is Peekasso, an abstract dog.


They crossed a Irish Water Spaniel and a English Springer Spaniel. The new breed is a Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean.


They crossed a Labrador Retriever and a Curly Coated Retriever.
The new breed is a Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of laboratory researchers.


They crossed a Newfoundland and a Basset Hound.
The new breed is a Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors

They crossed a Bloodhound and a Labrador.
The new breed is a Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly.


They crossed a Malamute and a Pointer.
The new breed is a Moot Point, owned by....oh, well, it doesn't really matter.

They crossed a Collie and a Malamute.
The new breed is a Commute, a dog that travels to work.


They crossed a Deerhound and a Terrier.
The new breed is a Derriere, a dog that's true to the end.

[bigmannow]

Wat happens when a horny dog meets a horny cat ?

http://www.pixslam.com/show/2000/5ef...y4emt.gif.html

[Hosida]

A married couple is lying in bed one night. The wife is curled up, ready to go to sleep, and the husband turns his bed lamp on to read a book. As he’s reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife and fondles her special area. He does this a few times, but only for a very short interval before returning to read his book.

The wife gradually becomes more and more aroused and, assuming that her husband is seeking some encouragement before going further, Gets up and starts stripping in front of him.

The husband is confused and asks, "Why are you taking off your clothes?"

His wife replies, "You were rubbing me downtown. I thought it was foreplay."

The husband says, "No, not at all."

His wife asks angrily, "Well, what the hell were you doing then?"

"I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book."

[Hosida]

A man and his wife were supposed to go to a costume party together one Halloween, but when the time came to go the party, the woman told him to go on without her, because she said she had a terrible headache.

The man reluctantly did, and the suspicious wife decided to see just how faithful her man really was. She put on a different costume and went to the party.

When she got there she saw her husband dancing with a young girl in a sexy costume. Now, even more suspicious, she decided to really put him to the test.

She danced with him and whispered that they should sneak into a bedroom. She insisted they leave the masks on and had sex with him.

Fuming, she ran home to wait for his return. When he got there, she innocently asked if he’d had fun. He told her he hadn’t.

After a few minutes at the party, he and some guys had gone across the street to play poker.

He added, "The guy who borrowed my costume said he had a hell of a time, though!"

[Hosida]

A man escapes from a prison where he had been kept for 15 years.

As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it, looking for money and guns, but only finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him up in a chair. While tying the girl up to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.

While he’s in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn’t seen a woman in years.

I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain, just do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction.

This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he’ll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear.

He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom.

Be strong, honey, I love you, too."

[BaliHai]

Personal Mottos

A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.

Do I look like a fucking people person?

This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

I started out with nothing...and I still have most of it left.

I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

And just how may I fuck you over today?

And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?

I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.

I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.

I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

One of us is thinking about sex...
OK, it's me.

I have a computer, a vibrator, & pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?

I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?

It's sick the way you people keep having sex without me.

I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.

Okay, okay, I take it back! UnFuck you!

Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

You look like shit. Is that the style now?

Earth is full. Go home.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out all I wanted was paychecks.

It ain't the size, it's... no, it's the size.

[BaliHai]

ORGASM TYPES

Sex in a boat = Oargasms
Sex with a nerd = Dorkgasms
Sex at the entrance to your house = Doorgasms
Sex on the carpet or linoleum = Floorgasms
Sex at the supermarket = Storegasms
Sex with wild pigs = Boargasms
Sex at a Stephen King movie = Horrorgasms
Sex with a prostitute = Whoregasms
Sex with a storyteller = Loregasms
Sex with an accountant = Boregasms
Sex while sleeping = Snoregasms
Sex with Arthur = Dudley Mooregasms
Sex while broke = Poorgasms
Sex with a lion = Roargasms
Sex for hours and hours on end = Soregasms
Sex on a golf course = Foregasms
Sex with a nymphomaniac = Ready for Moregasms
Sex in a gold mine = Oregasms
Sex with a dermatologist = Poregasms
Sex with the ex-vice president = Al Goregasms
Sex with chocolate marshmallows = S'moregasms
Sex with a bullfighter = Toreadorgasms
Sex with a masked man carrying a sword = Zorrogasms
Sex on the beach = Shoregasms
Sex when you get an award = Honorgasms
Sex at an all you can eat buffet = Smorgasbordgasms
Sex on a cruise ship deck = Shuffleboardgasms
Sex in Asia = Singaporegasms
Sex among the wonders of the world = Outdoorgasms
Sex in the vicinity of garbage can = Odorgasms
Sex on the way to the train = All aboardgasms
Sex that isn't very satisfying = There's the doorgasms
Sex during hay fever season = Sporegasms
Sex with a Medieval poet = Troubadorgasms
Sex in an adult theater = Hardcoregasms
Sex with conquering Spaniards = Conquistadorgasms
Sex with someone not paying attention = Ignorgasms
Sex with a competitive partner = Scoregasms
Sex in a firehouse = Firedoorgasms
Sex with an Icelandic singer = Bjorkgasms
Sex with a cookie = Oreogasms
Sex while flying = Soargasms
Sex with a bugle player = Horngasms
Sex with an astronaut who didn't make it into space = Abortgasms
Sex with a beloved partner = Adoregasms
Sex with a meat eater = Carnivoregasms
Sex with a person who's got a really bad hairdo =
Pompadoregasms
Sex with someone who has really bad taste in clothes = Velourgasms
Sex while sightseeing = Tourgasms
Sex with a big dog = Labradorgasms
Sex with Beavs and Butthead = Gonnascoregasms
Sex during an earthquake = Tremorgasms
Sex on farm implements = Tractorgasms
Sex with Thomas Edison = Inventorgasms
Sex with a construction worker = Contractorgasms
Sex at a symphony orchestra = Conductorgasms
Sex on the stairs at the mall = Escalatorgasms
Sex while hopelessly drunk on shooters = Liquorgasms
Sex with a possessive partner = Yourgasms
Sex with Frankenstein's assistant = Igorgasms
Sex with three of your friends = Fourgasms
Sex with a Norse God = Thorgasms
Sex without a climax = Nogasms

[BaliHai]

Osama Bin Laden has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do: I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

Osama Bin Laden thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the first room. In it was Manuel Noriega and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty-handed over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell.

"No," said Osama bin Laden, "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the next room. In it was the Ayatollah Khomeini with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

"No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Osama Bin Laden.

The devil opened a third door. In it, Osama Bin Laden saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

Osama bin Laden took this in disbelief and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said, "OK Monica, you're free to go."

[BaliHai]

Paddy decides to go rabbit hunting , but when he gets to his favorite field he sees the village priest is already there.

Paddy watches with fascination as the priest holds his finger over a rabbit hole and immediately a rabbit pops out.

The priest grabs it and puts it into a sack. He repeats this unusual but very successful technique until his sack is full of rabbits.

Paddy stops the priest and asks him how he does it.

"Easy,"says the priest."Put your finger on your wife's pussy and then hold it over a rabbit hole.They can't resist the smell, so when they come out,grab them."

Paddy rushes home to find Maureen bent over scrubbing the floor.He lifts up her skirt and applies his finger as directed.

Without looking up, Maureen giggles, "Holy Moses, Father! Rabbit hunting again?""

[zerosixfive]

LADIES WHO LUNCH

A group of 40-year-old girlfriends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waiters there had tight pants and nice bums.

10 years later at 50 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food there was very good, the wine selection was good also, and the waiters were cute.

10 years later at 60 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they could eat there in peace and quiet, the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean, and the waiters were sweet boys.

10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant was wheel chair accessible, they even had an elevator, and the waiters were kind.

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.

[zerosixfive]

Smart Arse!

Two businessmen in Cardiff were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be-opened new shop. As yet, the shop wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up. One said to the other: "I bet any minute now some pensioner is going to walk by, put the face to the window and ask what we're selling."

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious old woman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked: "What are you selling here?" One of the men replied sarcastically: "We're selling arse-holes." Without skipping a beat, the old timer said: "Must be doing well. Only two left."

Pensioners - don't mess with them!

[zerosixfive]

There was a competition between a Japanese samurai and a Chinese Samurai.

First they took the Japanese Samurai into a room and told him there is a mosquito flying in this room and he has to hit the mosquito. The Japanese samurai listens for the buzzing of the mosquito and then suddenly whoosh with his sword. There is silence in the room and sure enough they find the mosquito cut in half on the floor.

Then they ask the Chinese Samurai that there is a mosquito flying in this room and he has to hit the mosquito with his sword. The chinese man listens for the buzzing from mosquito and then suddenly whoosh with his sword. There is silence in the room for few seconds and then the buzzing sounds start again. The Japanese Samurai jumps up and says he won because the mosquito is still alive. The Chinese man says the mosquito may be alive but no more babies.

[zerosixfive]

Highway patrol officer pulls over a sports car on a Friday evening and finds a beautiful blonde as the driver. "Do you know how fast you were going?" The blonde replies: "I didn't know I was speeding" with a bit of a slur. The officer says: "I need to give you a sobriety test" and has the girl blow into a breathalizer.

After viewing the results he tells her: "Lady, it looks like you have had a couple of stiff ones." To which she replies: "Oh, you mean it shows that too!"

[beary]

One time when I was visiting Toronto I asked a chap where I could find a good house of ill repute. He gave me an address and said to ask for Sally.

I went to the address and requested Sally. She took me to a room, stripped down and said, "Go ahead, but let me know how it is."

After a few minutes I said, "It's not bad but a bit loose."

She said, "Get off for a moment."

I did that and she reached down and fiddled about with her privates.

"Try it now." she said.

I did and found it better but still a bit loose, so I told her so. She repeated her actions and when I tried it again it was perfect.

When we were finished and I was paying her I asked, "How do you manage to adjust it's size to fit anyone?"

"Well," she said, "I've been in this business for some time and have developed warts on one side and wormholes on the other. I just button them up."