Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[zzzzzzzzzz]

No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile.

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.

Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they’d shared, where Andy had carved “I love you, Sally ..”

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money -fifty thousand dollars!

Andy said, “We’ve got to give it back.”
Sally said, “Finders keepers.” She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. “Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?”

Sally said, “No”.

Andy said, “She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.

Sally said, “Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile”

The agents turned to Andy and began to question him. One said: “Tell us the story from the beginning.”

Andy said, “Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ....”

The first police officer turned to his partner and said, “We’re outta here!”

[seesaw]

A guy and a girl are lying in a bed after just having sex. The girl lays on her side of the bed and rests. The guy goes to his side of the bed and says to himself, "Man oh Man, I finally did it! I'm no longer a virgin."

The girl overhears him talking to himself and asks, "Are you saying you lost your virginity to me?"

"Well," the guy explains, "I always wanted to wait until I was with the woman I love to lose my virginity."

Astounded, the girl replies, "So you really love me?"

"Oh God no!" the guy says. "I just got sick of waiting."

[Toastmaster]

Four married men went fishing.

After a while, the following conversation took place.

First man: " You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend.
I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."
Second man: " That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck at the top
of the garden."

Third man: " You both have it easy! I had to promise my wife a new kitchen."

The fourth man did not say a word, so they asked him:

"You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing
this weekend. What's the deal?"
Fourth man: " I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm,
gave the wife a nudge and said, " Fishing or Sex?" and she said, " Wear a Sweater."

[Toastmaster]

Affair 1
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made
love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and
told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and
drove home.

"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.

"I can't lie to you," he replied,

"I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."

She looked down at his shoes and said:

"You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"

[Toastmaster]

A sailor who had been at sea for a long time was anxious to be reunited with his
girlfriend, so he sent her the following message a few days before his ship was
due back in port. "I have missed you so much and I can't wait to make love to
you. I want you to come down to the pier to meet me, and I want you to bring the
station wagon and have a mattress ready in the back so we can do it as soon as I
step ashore."
The young lady who was just as anxious to make love, sent him a reply. "I will
get the station wagon ready as you said, but you had better be the first one off
that ship, sailor, because I will not be checking I.D. cards!"

[Toastmaster]

After 35 years of work in postal service, the postman is preparing for retirement and it's his last day as
a postman. One family gave him a pen as a gift, another one gave him a keyring, and when he rang at
the third door, the door opens and a glamorous blonde appears, holds him by his hand, takes him to
the bedroom where they spent two hours having crazy sex. After a shower she feeds him breakfast
(eggs with ham and orange juice) and gives him $5. During the meal, he was delirious and asks:
"Can you explain all of this to me?!?"
The Blonde says: "Yesterday, I told my husband that our postman is going to retire and we need to
offer him something, and he replies:
'Fuck him!!! ... give him 5 dollars!'; the breakfast though was my idea

[Toastmaster]

"How Does One Get to Heaven - Is it Faith or Works?"

A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered.

"Once, on a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a
gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to
leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest
and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face, kicked his
bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground."

I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the stuffing out of all of you!"

St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"

"Just a couple minutes ago..."

[Toastmaster]

A man was exploring caves by the seashore. In one of the caves he found a canvas
bag with a bunch of hardened clay balls. It was like someone had rolled balls of
clay and left them out in the sun to bake.

They didn't look like much, but they intrigued the man, so he took the bag out
of the cave with him. As he strolled along the beach, he would throw the clay
balls one at a time out into the ocean as far as he could.

He thought little about it, until he dropped one of the clay balls and it
cracked open on a rock. Inside was a beautiful, precious stone!

Excited, the man started breaking open the remaining clay balls. Each contained
a similar treasure. He found thousands of dollars worth of jewels in the 20 or
so clay balls he had left. Then it struck him.

He had been on the beach a long time. He had thrown maybe 50 or 60 of the clay
balls with their hidden treasure into the ocean waves. Instead of thousands of
dollars in treasure, he could have taken home tens of thousands, but he had just
thrown it away!

It's like that with people. We look at someone, maybe even ourselves, and we see
the external clay vessel. It doesn't look like much from the outside. It isn't
always beautiful or sparkling, so we discount it.

We see that person as less important than someone more beautiful or stylish or
well known or wealthy But we have not taken the time to find the treasure hidden
inside that person.

There is a treasure in each one of us. If we take the time to get to know that
person, and if we ask God to show us that person the way He Sees them, then the
clay begins to peel away and the brilliant gem begins to shine forth.

May we not come to the end of our lives and find out that we have thrown away a
fortune in friendships because the gems were hidden in bits of clay. May we see
the people in our world as God sees them.

I am so blessed by the gems of friendship I have with each of you.
Thank you for looking beyond my clay vessel.

[Toastmaster]

"Spring Fishing"

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.
She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the
counter. A Wal-Mart associate is standing there wearing dark shades.
She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the
counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it
makes.
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and
10-LB. Test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's on sale this week
for only $20.00."
She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it
dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
'Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind.
At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind
clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he
wouldn't know that she was the only person around.
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please. "
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod and
reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"
He replies, "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00
and the Catfish Bait is $3.50.

[Toastmaster]

An old English farmer had spent his life collecting tractors: every time one broke down irreparably
or became hopelessly out of date, he refused to sell it, instead keeping it in a large barn.

He even bought used tractors from other farmers. He worked on them and polished them, treating
them like museum exhibits. Eventually it came time for him to retire, and he decided to sell off his
massive collection so that he could live comfortably with his wife in a nice country cottage.

So he put advertisements in local and national papers, and waited. He didn't have long to wait:
a few days later he received a letter from a visiting American businessman, whose company had
built some of the tractors mentioned in the advert and who had an interest in old vehicles himself.

After a couple more letters the two arranged to meet in the farmer's local inn/pub on the coming
Saturday.
That evening came and the businessman arrived. Despite the heavy clouds of pipe smoke and an
hour passed in most pleasant conversation, the pair turning out to have much in common.

"Well," sighed the farmer eventually, "I haven't had such a good yak for a long time, but I suppose
it's about time we got down to business, eh?" "Sure," replied the other, "but maybe we could go
somewhere
else? Y'see, I'm findin' it kinda hard to concentrate with this much smoke."
"Ah, there's no need for that", said the farmer, "watch this!" He then proceeded to take an
amazingly deep, deep breath, sucking in every last particle of smoke in the room.
Then he leaned over to the partially open window behind him and blew
all the smoke out into the night.

"Hey, how the heck did you manage that?" gasped the American.
"Oh, it was nothing; you see, I'm an ex-tractor fan."

[VanGogh]

Why is it when your wife gets pregnant, all her friends rub her tummy and say "congratulations"

but nobody rubs your "dick" and says GOOD JOB

[nightsmith]

I hope this has not been posted before.

Accountants do it with Double Entry. Acupuncturists do it with a small prick. Ambulance drivers come quicker. Australians do it Down Under. Bach did it using the organ. Bankers do it with interest. Bartenders do it on the Rocks. Batman does it using his Robin. Bookkeepers do it for the record. Bosses delegate the task to others. Chess players check their Mates. Cops do it with cuffs. DJs do it on request. Deep-sea divers do it under extreme pressure. Dentists do it orally. Detectives do it under cover. Don't do it with Bankers, most of them are Tellers. Elevator men do it up and down. Engineers do it to specifications. Engineers do it to a first order approximation. Firemen do it with a big hose. Frank Sinatra does it his way. Garbagemen come twice a week. Gardeners do it on the bushes. Gas attendants Pump all day. Golfers do it in 18 holes. Landlords do it every 1st of the month. Managers make others do it. Marketing reps do it on commission. Pizza delivery man comes in 30 minutes or it's free. Teachers do it with class. Waiters and waitresses do it for tips. Zoologists do it with animals. heehee.
NS

[birdie8819]

Dictionary Of New Slang.


*AEROPLANE BLONDE: One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.

*AUSSIE KISS: Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.

*BADLY PACKED KEBAB: A vulgar (but still excellent) term for the female genitalia.

*BEER COAT: The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3 in the morning.

*BEER COMPASS: The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after a booze cruise, even though you're too pissed to remember where you live, how you get there, and where you've come from.

*BEER SCOOTER: The ability to get home after a night out on the booze and not remember it i.e." I don't even remember getting home last night, I must have caught the beer scooter".

*BOBFOC: Body Off Baywatch, Face Off Crimewatch

*BREAKING THE SEAL: Your first piss in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.

*BRITNEY SPEARS: Modern Slang for 'beers', e.g. "Couple of Britney's please"

*BRUCE LEE: Erect nipple (as in, a hard Nip).

*BUDGIE'S TONGUE: The female erection.

*DOUBLE-BASS: A sexual position in which the man enters the woman from behind, and then fiddles with the woman's nipples with one hand and her Budgie's Tongue with the other. (The position is similar to that used when playing a double bass instrument, but the sound produced is slightly different.)

*ETCH-A-SKETCH: Trying to draw a smile on a woman's face by twiddling both of her nipples simultaneously.

*GOING FOR A MCSHIT: Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is a McShit With Lies.

*GREYHOUND: A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

*HAND-TO-GLAND COMBAT: A vigorous masturbation session.

*JOHNNY-NO-STARS: A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training.

*MILLENNIUM DOMES: The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually f-all in there worth seeing.

*MONKEY BATH: A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo!Oo!Oo! Aa! Aa!Aa!".

*MUMBLER: An attractive girl in tight shorts or jeans, etc. I. e. you can see the 'lips' moving but can't quite make out what they're saying.

*MYSTERY BUS: The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

*MYSTERY TAXI: The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed instead.

*NELSON MANDELA: Rhyming Slang for 'Stella' (the lager).

*PEARL HARBOUR: Cold (weather). An example of it would be - "It's a bit Pearl Harbor" out there (there's a nasty nip in the air)

*PICASSO ARSE: A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got 4 buttocks.

*SALAD DODGER: An excellent phrase for an overweight person.

*SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die

*SWAMP-DONKEY: A deeply unattractive woman.

*TART FUEL: Bottled Alco pops, e.g. Hooch, regularly consumed by young women.

*TESTICULATING: Waving your arms around and talking bullocks

*TITANIC: A lady who goes down first time out.

*TODGER DODGER: A lesbian.

*UP ON BLOCKS: Menstruating i. e. out of action, a bit like a car in a garage.
e. g. "I don't think I'll be in luck tonight lads, the missus is up on blocks".

*WANK SEANCE: During a masturbation session, the eerie feeling that you're being watched with disgust by your dead relatives.

[birdie8819]

This man in a Volkswagon Beetle pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign.

Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls:

"Hey, you got a telephone in that Rolls?"

The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do."

"I got one too... see?"

"Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice."

"You got a fax machine?"

"Why, actually, yes, I do."

"I do too! See? It's right here!"

"Uh-huh."

The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Volkswagon says,

"So, do you have a double bed in back there?"

And the guy in the Rolls says, "NO! Do you?"

"Yep, got my double bed right in back here see?!"

The light turns and the man in the Volkswagon takes off.

Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he goes immediately to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in back of his car.

About two weeks later, the job is finally done and he picks up his car and drives all over town looking for the Volkswagon.

He finally finds it parked alongside the road so he pulls his Rolls up next to it.

The windows on the Volkswagon are all fogged up and he feels a little awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the Volkswagon.

The man in the Volkswagon finally opens the window a crack and peeks out.

The guy in the Rolls says, "Hey. Remember me?"

"Yeah, yeah, I remember you. What's up?"

"Check this out... I got a double bed installed in my Rolls."

And the man in the Volkswagon says,

"YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME THAT?!"

[birdie8819]

GOOD & BAD

Good: The teacher thinks your son's great.
Bad: In bed.

Good: You came home for a quickie.
Bad: Your wife walks in.

Good: You go to see a strip show.
Bad: Your daughter's the headliner.

Good: Your boyfriend's exercising.
Bad: So he'll fit in your clothes.

Good: Your daughter's on the Pill.
Bad: She's eleven.

Good: Your neighbor exercises in the nude.
Bad: He weighs 350 pounds.

Good: Your wife likes outdoor sex.
Bad: You live downtown.

Bad: You find a porn movie in your son's room.
Worse: You're in it.

Bad: Your children are sexually active.
Worse: With each other.

Bad: Your husband's a crossdresser.
Worse: He looks better than you.