Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[seesaw]

There was a very unusual hospital where one of the main treatments was that the nurses would take the male patients home and sleep with them.

But there was one patient, Rob, no one wanted to take him home. He was a small man, and he had tattooed on his penis the word 'SHORTY'.

Well, finally, Valerie, feels sorry for him and takes him home and sleeps with him. She comes back to work the next day smiling. The other nurses ask what she could possibly be so happy about after sleeping with a guy with SHORTY written on his penis.

"Yes," replies Valerie, "but when he becomes aroused, it says, 'SHORTY'S RESTAURANT AND PIZZERIA'."

"Wow!" they say.

"'ORDERS TO TAKE OUT'," Valerie continues. "'ALL BAKING DONE ON PREMISES..."

The others stand there staring, in total surprise.

[seesaw]

 Manliness Test
1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to
as:

A. Lovemaking
B. Screwing
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.
2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after
you've both shared:

A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
B. Your blood-test results.
C. Five tequila slammers.
3. You time your orgasm so that:

A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously.
C. You don't miss ESPN SportsCenter.
4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:

A. Healthy, creative love-play.
B. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend needs to ever find
out about.
5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you just had sex
with is:

A. The best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. $100 extra.
6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last
month. You tell her that it is:

A. No big concern of yours.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.
C. A conservative estimate.
7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:

A. A myth
B. An oxymoron
C. A moron
8. Foreplay is to sex as:

A. Appetizer is to entree.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.
9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself
saying at the end of a relationship?

A. "I hope we can still be friends."
B. "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."
C. "Welcome to Dumpsville, baby... population: YOU."
10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:

A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with
  that sort of intimacy.
B. Probably Is too uptight and a waste of your time.
C. Probably shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the
first place.
Scoring Guide:
If you answered "A" more than 7 times, check your pants to make
sure you really are a man.

If you answered "B" more than 7 times, check into therapy, you're
a little confused.

If you answered "C" more than 7 times, "YOU DA MAN!!"

[boisong1]

This couple were in bed getting busy when the girl places the guys hand onto her pussy. “Put your finger in me…” she asks him. So he does without hesitation, as she starts moaning. “Put two fingers in…” she says. So in goes another digit. She’s really starting to get worked up when she says, “Put your whole hand in!”. The guy’s like, “OK!”. So he has his entire hand in, when she says moaning aloud “Put both your hands inside of me!!!”. So the guy squeezes both of his hands in. “Now clap your hands…” commands the girl. “I can’t!” says the guy. The girl looks at him and says “See, I told you I had a tight pussy!”.

[boisong1]

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, “Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don’t do the following, your husband will surely die.” The doctor continued, “Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don’t burden him with chores. Don’t discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.” On the way home, the husband asked his wife. “What did the doctor say?” To which his wife responded, “He said you’re going to die.”

[boisong1]

This lady goes to the gynecologist but won’t tell the receptionist what’s wrong with her, just that she must see a doctor. After hours of waiting, the doctor sees her in. “Ok my good woman what is your problem?” the doctor asks. “Well, she says, my husband is a very compulsive gambler and every nickel he can get his hands on he gambles. So I had five hundred dollars and I stuffed it in my vagina, but now I can’t get it out.” The doctor says, “Don’t be nervous, I see this happen all the time.” He asks her to pull down her underwear, sits her down with her legs wide open, puts his gloves on and says “I only have one question… What am I looking for? Bills or loose change?”

[boisong1]

Three guys are discussing women. “I like to see a woman’s tits best.” the first guy says. The second says “I like to look at a woman’s ass.” Both guys turn to the third guy and ask ”What about you?” to which he replies ”Me? I prefer to see the top of her head.”

[boisong1]

A man was complaining to his friend, “I had it all – money, a magnificent house, a fast car, the love of a beautiful woman… then, poof! It was all gone!” “What happened?” asked the friend. “My wife found out.”

[birdie8819]

Austin Powers Pick Up Lines...

1. I wish you were a door so I could slam you all day long.

2. (Lick finger and wipe on her shirt)....Let's get you out of these wet clothes.

3. Nice legs...what time do they open?

4. Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package.

5. You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?

6. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?

7. I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you.

8. I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher,have you seen one?

9. I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.

10. Wanna play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me.

11. I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Superdrug, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter.

12. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a Braille name tag.

13. I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.

14. Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway to heaven?

15. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

16. You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.

17. I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.

18. If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.

19. You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.

20. You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?

21. F@#! me if I'm wrong, but is your name Helga Titsbottom?

22. Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.

23. My name is Austin ... remember that, you'll be screaming it later.

24. Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?

25. Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.

26. My friend wants to know if YOU think I'M cute."

27. Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.

28. My name isn't Elmo, but you can tickle me anytime you want to.

29. I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?

30. If you were the last woman and I was the last man on earth, I bet we could do it in public.

31. Wanna come over for some pizza and sex? No? Why, don't you like pizza?

32. Baby, I'm an American Express lover...you shouldn't go home without me.

33. Do you sleep on your stomach? no..........? Can I???

34. Do you wash your pants in Windex because I can see myself in them.

35. I lost my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.

[birdie8819]

Little Johnny was in trouble again. He was charged with the rape of a grown woman, and all though the crime seemed highly improbable, the state's evidence was overwhelming.

As a last desperate move, the defense counsel came over to the witness stand, pulled down Little Johnny's pants, and grabbed the boy's tiny penis for all to see.

"Ladies and gentlemen," the lawyer cried turning toward the jury box. "Surely you cannot believe that such a small still undeveloped organ is sexually mature?"

Growing more agitated he went on. "How could this miniature member be capable even of erection, let alone the rape of a fully grown woman."

"Watch it," whispered Little Johnny. "One more shake and you'll lose the case!"

[EAGLE EYE]

Retail Jokes


A retailer was dismayed when a competitor selling the same type of product opened next-door to him, displaying a large sign proclaiming "Best Deals."

Not long after that, he was horrified to find yet another competitor move in next door, on the other side if his store. It's large sign was even more disturbing—"Lowest Prices."

After his initial panic, and concern that he would be driven out of business, he looked for a way to turn the situation to his marketing advantage. Finally, an idea came to him. Next day, he proudly unveiled a new and huge sign over his front door. It read,

"Main Entrance!"

[EAGLE EYE]

Spin Selling
The Truth According to MicroSoft

Bill Gates dies, and ascends to the Pearly Gates to meet God. God immediately recognizes him and says to him "Bill Gates -- you're a great man. I shall give you a choice of either heaven or hell." Bill Gates tells God that he would like to see both before making a decision.

So God takes Bill Gates down to Hell, where there are beautiful, nubile bikini models, perfect weather, free drinks, and eternal happiness. "That doesn't seem so bad," says Gates. "Let's see Heaven now." God and Gates go to Heaven, which seems to be just a bunch of old, crusty angels flying around and sitting on a few clouds. "I've made my decision," says Gates. "I choose Hell."

Six months later, God goes down to Hell to check on him and finds him hanging above a pit of fire with wild harpies tearing out his intestines. "What happened to all the bikini models and the sun and the fun?" Gates screams. "Oh, that," says God. "That was just the demo."

[EAGLE EYE]

Softball Game

An interoffice softball game was held every year between the Marketing Department and support staff of one company.

The day of the game, as hard as the Marketers tried, the support staff whipped the Marketing Department soundly.

In their best tradition, the Marketing Department decided to find the best "spin" they could on the dismal result. They showed how they earn their keep by posting this memo on the bulletin board after the game:

"The Marketing Department is pleased to announce that for the recently-completed Softball Season, we came in 2nd place, having lost but one game all year.

The Support Department, however, had a rather dismal season, as they won only one game all year."

[EAGLE EYE]

Humor in Marketing

In light of Hurricane Isabel's recent havoc, here are a few bumper stickers that might be making their way to market:


- Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
- A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
- Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check?
- Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
- Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
- Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
- Out of my mind...Back in five minutes.

Marketing moral: Use humor to make the sale. Despite what your teachers told you, sometimes it's good to be a smart aleck.

[EAGLE EYE]

Grandma's Ham

One day, shortly after Suzie and Jeff got married, Jeff came into the kitchen to find his new bride preparing a ham to go in the oven. Suzie took the ham and cut off both ends and then put it in the baking pan. "Why did you do that?" asked her surprised husband.

"That's the way Mom taught me to do it," she replied. But since she didn't really know why she was supposed to be doing it, they decided to ask her mom the next time they
saw her. When they asked Mom why she told Suzie to cut off both ends of the ham before baking it, her mother replied,"That's the way Grandma taught me to do it." Since no one knew exactly why they were supposed to do this, they decided to ask Grandma.

"Grandma, you taught Mom and Mom taught me to cut off both ends of the ham before baking it. Why do you do it that way?" Suzie asked.

"To fit the pan," replied Grandma.

Don't get caught up in always doing things as they have always been done! It may be time to think of a new way to do it! Stuck for ideas? Learn new ways to tackle your marketing challenges (or any other problems, for that matter!) in Special Report #3: Getting Creative: Methods to Your Madness. It will help you generate LOTS of new ideas. And you can download it and be reading it in minutes, for just $9.

[EAGLE EYE]

Investments

STOCK: A magical piece of paper that is worth $33.75 until the moment you buy it. It will then be worth $8.50.
BOND: What you had with your spouse until you pawned his/her golf clubs to invest in Amazon.com.

BROKER: The person you trust to help you make major financial decisions. Please note the first five letters of this word spell Broke.

BEAR: What your trade account and wallet will be when you take a flyer on that hot stock tip your secretary gave you.

BULL: What your broker uses to explain why your mutual funds tanked during the last quarter.

MARGIN: Where you scribble the latest quotes when you're supposed to be listening to your manager's presentation.

SHORT POSITION: A type of trade where, in theory, a person sells stocks he doesn't actually own. Since this also only ever works in theory, a short position is what a person usually ends up being in (i.e. "The rent, sir? Hahaha, well, I'm a little short this month.").

COMMISSION: The only reliable way to make money on the stock market, which is why your broker charges you one.

YAK: What you do into a pail when you discover your stocks have plunged and your broker is making a margin call.