Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[Vond]

There was once a man who lived way out in the Sahara Desert, thousands of miles away from civilization, with only his faithful camel and his tiny Oasis. One day the man got so frustrated that he decided that the time had come that he should fuck his camel. The camel, being a very tall creature, was out of the reach of the mans dick. So he decided to climb onto a dune and then do the camel. But every time his dick was ready, the camel would move and the man would fall.

Discouraged, the man went back to his tent, only to hear the scream of a woman. He ran into the desert and saw a band of people readying themselves to rape the woman, he quickly pulled out his gun and fired a few shots into the air. This caused the band to get back into their car and drive off. The man then went to the woman and asked if all was well.

She replied, "Oh, my hero, you saved me, I will do anything for you."

"GGGGREAT, the man replied,"will you please hold my camel a second"

[Vond]

A man wakes his woman at 3am and says "Getup we are going pig hunting"

His woman says "Im not going fucking pig hunting it's 3am".

"Get the fuck up" he says, "we're fucking going pig hunting"

"No fucking way" she refuses.

"O.K. then" he says "I'll give you three options. You can either come pig hunting, give me a head job or let me fuck you up the arse?"

"well" she says "it's 3am and Im not going pig hunting and I'm not letting you fuck me up the arse so I had better give you a head job".

After going down on him for about one second she sits up and says "Your fucking cock tastes like shit!!!"

"yeah" he says "the dog didn't want to come pig hunting either"

[beary]

An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland arrived at the casino.

She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.

She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude'.

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled , 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES! YES! I WON, I WON!'

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'

The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'

MORAL OF THE STORY -

Not all blondes are dumb. . . But all men...are men

[beary]

It was 6 p.m., and an employee was about to leave the local coin laundry. Her boss called her over and asked if she would mind dropping off someone's laundry on her way home.

"It's for my cousin," she apologized, "who's eight months pregnant and can't get out much anymore."

She cheerfully agreed and, driving to the address, knocked at the door. Little Johnny, the brother-to-be, answered.

"Hi, there," the lady said with a big smile. "Is your mommy home?" Holding up the white bundle of clothes, she explained, "I have a delivery for her."

Little Johnny's mouth dropped, and his eyes went wide. "Mom!" he shrieked, "come quick! It's the stork!"

[beary]

Q. How can you tell if you eat pussy well?
A. You wake up in the morning with a face like a glazed doughnut and a beard like an unwashed paintbrush.

Q: How do you get a blonde pregnant?
A: Come in her shoes and let the flies do the rest.

Q: How does a blonde hold her liquor?
A: By the ears.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board?
A: It's difficult to open the legs of an ironing board.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a broom closet?
A: Only two men fit inside a broom closet at once.

Q: What does the Bermuda Triangle and blondes have in common?
A: They've both swallowed a lot of semen.

Q. What do you get if you stuff your hand up a Gypsy's cunt when she's on the rag ?
A. Your palm read.

Q. What Do You Call A Woman Who Uses To Much Contraceptive Cream?
A. A Spermicidal Maniac

[beary]

A teacher at a school for blind kids is taking his school's soccer team to an "away game". They stop for a rest break, and to let the kids work off some energy with a little impromptu practice in a nearby pasture. The teacher is sitting in a nearby diner, explaining to another patron how it is that blind kids can play soccer.

"We made a special ball, with a bell in it, so the kids can keep track of where the ball is and what it's doing by listening for it. They're pretty good at it too."

"Very clever!" remarks the other patron.

Just then they are interrupted as another patron, who is looking out the window, says, "Hey! Are you the guy with those damn blind kids from the bus?"

"Yes," says the teacher, stung by the way "his" kids are being refered to, "what about it? You got something against blind kids?"

"Nothing, ordinarily," says the guy, still scowling out the window, "but you better get them rounded up quick! They're kicking the hell out of my best milk cow!"

[soundlab]

A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she
needs to file her taxes. The accountant says,
"Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions. "" He gets her
name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, ""What is
your occupation? "" The woman replies, ""I'm a whore. "" The
accountant balks and says, ""No, no, no. That will never work. That is
much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that. "" The woman, ""OK, I'm a
prostitute. "". ""No, that is still too crude. Try again. "" They both
think for a minute, then the woman states, ""I'm a chicken farmer. ""
The accountant asks,
""What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a
prostitute? "". ""Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year. """

[soundlab]

"Hello? "" the blonde responded answering the phone. Hearing no
response, she repeated, ""Hello? ""
""I'll bet you want me to come over and take you into the bedroom,
undress you, lick you from head to toe, and then make mad passionate
love to you until dawn. "" the male voice whispered.
""Scheesch! You're good. "" she replied. ""You mean you can tell all
that from two hello's ? """

[soundlab]

A blonde is suffering from a sore throat so she goes to see the
doctor. She explains the problem to the doctor who asks her to sit
down. He gets out his light and says
"Open wide. "" ""I can't "" replies the blonde, ""the chair's fitted
with arms. """

[soundlab]

There was this couple that was married for 20 years, and every time
they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was stupid. She figured she
would break him out of the crazy habit. So one night, while they were
in the middle of a romantic session, she turned on the lights.
She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery operated
pleasure devise. She got extremely upset. ‘You impotent bastard!’ she
screamed at him, ‘how could you be lying to me all of these years? You
better explain yourself!’
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly, ‘I'll
explain the toy if you explain the kids.’

[soundlab]

A groom passes down the aisle of the church to take his place by the
altar, when the best man notices that the groom has the biggest,
brightest smile on his face. The best man says, ‘Hey man, I know
you’re happy to be getting married, but what’s up? You look so
excited.’
The groom replies, ‘I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my
entire life and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me.’
The bride comes walking down the aisle and she, too, has the biggest,
brightest smile on her face. The maid of honor notices this and says,
‘I know you’re happy to be getting married, but what’s up? You look
so excited.’
The bride replies, ‘I have just given the last blow job of my entire
life!’

[Vond]

There was a man whose wife is about to deliver a child. He wanted a Boy child & he was quite confident that she will deliver only Boy child. So he went along with his wife to his in-laws place & stayed there.

He stayed there for more that 15 days, but she didn't deliver the child at all. So he went back to his place. Before leaving he told his father in law that when she delivers the child just call up & tell me that "the clock has arrived" & that is the code word to understand that boy is born.

Next day she delivered a girl child. The father in law didn't know how to inform his son in law. He can't say that the Clock hasn't arrived also.

So he calles up & said, "The Clock has arrived but the pendulum is missing"

[Vond]

There was once a Farmer and an Gardener who lived next door to each other. The Farmer owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast. One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Gardener's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Gardener pick up the egg. The Farmer ran up to the Gardener and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Gardener disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.

They argued for a while until finally the Farmer said, "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the balls and time how long it takes you to get back up, then you kickme in the balls and time how long it takes for me to get up, whomever gets up quicker wins the egg."

The Gardener agreed to this and so the Farmer found his heaviest pair of boots and put them on, he took a few steps back, then ran toward the Gardener and kicked as hard as he could in the balls. The Gardener fell to the floor clutching his nuts howling in agony for 30 minutes.

Eventually the Gardener stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to kick you."

The Farmer said, "Keep the damn egg!"

[ah rat]

It's Hell to be Old !


OLD people have problems that you haven't
even considered yet!

An 85-year-old man was requested by his
Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical
exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take
this jar home and bring back a semen sample
tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared
at the doctor's office and gave him the jar,
which was as clean and empty as on the
previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man
explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried
with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried
with my left hand, but still nothing..

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with
her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,
then with her teeth out, still nothing.

'She even called up Arleen, the lady next door
and she tried too, first with both hands, then an
armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between
her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your
neighbor?'

The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get
the jar open.'

[seesaw]

A refuse collector in Durban, Australia, is driving along a street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his compactor.

He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out, and in the spirit of kindness, and after having a quick look about for the bin, he gets out of his truck goes to the front door and knocks. There's no answer.

Being a kindly and conscientious bloke, he knocks again - much harder.

Eventually a Chinese man comes to the door. "Harro!" says the Chinese man.

"Gidday, mate!

Where's ya bin?" asks the collector.

"I bin on toiret," explains the Chinese bloke, a bit perplexed.

Realising the fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries again.

"No ! No ! Mate, Where's your dust bin?"

"I dust been to toiret, I toll you!'' says the Chinese man, still perplexed.

"Listen," says the collector. "You're misunderstanding me. Where's your 'wheelie' bin?'"

"OK, OK." replies the Chinese man with a sheepish grin, and whispers in the collector's ear.

"I wheelie bin having sex wiffa wife's sista!"