Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[Ehiku]

What's the difference between a violin and a viola?
There is no difference. The violin just looks smaller because the violinist's head is so much bigger.


What's the difference between a violin and a fiddle?
A fiddle is fun to listen to.


Why are viola jokes so short?
So violinists can understand them.


How do you tell the difference between a violinist and a dog?
The dog knows when to stop scratching.


How many second violinists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They can't get up that high!


String players' motto: "It's better to be sharp than out of tune."


Why is a violinist like a SCUD missile?
Both are offensive and inaccurate.


Why don't viola players suffer from piles (hæmorrhoids)?
Because all the assholes are in the first violin section.


What's the difference between a fiddle and a violin?
No-one minds if you spill beer on a fiddle.


Why do violinists put a cloth between their chin and their instrument?
Violins don't have spit valves.


Why should you never try to drive a roof nail with a violin?
You might bend the nail.


A violinist says to his wife, "Oh, baby, I can play you just like my violin."
His wife replies, "I'd rather have you play me like a harmonica!"


Jacques Thibault, the violinist, was once handed an autograph book by a fan while in the greenroom after a concert. "There's not much room on this page," he said. "What shall I write?"
Another violinist, standing by, offered the following helpful hint: "Write your repertoire."


"Haven't I seen your face before?" a judge demanded, looking down at the defendant.
"You have, Your Honor," the man answered hopefully. "I gave your son violin lessons last winter."
"Ah, yes," recalled the judge. "Twenty years!"

[Ehiku]

Rude Parrot on a Plane


A man boards an airliner, takes his seat, and is surprised to find a large purple parrot in the seat next to him.

The aircraft takes off and a pretty flight attendant walks down the aisle past the man and his seatmate.

'Hey, bitch', says the parrot, 'bring me a whiskey and soda, and make it snappy!'

The FA looks annoyed, but walks on. A minute later, she walks back up the aisle, and the parrot pipes up again:

'God damn it, you lazy whore, where's my whiskey? Hurry it up!'

Visibly flustered, the FA hurries up the aisle and returns quickly with the parrot's drink.

Impressed with the parrot's technique, the man decides to get some quick service for himself.

'Hey, slut, ' says the man, 'get me a dry martini. And don't drag your sorry ass - I want it right now! '

The FA turns red with anger and runs to the front of the plane. In a moment she returns with the First Officer and two burly male flight attendants.The crewmen seize the passenger and the parrot, jerk open the emergency door and hurl them both out of the airplane at 20,000 feet.

As the two hurtle out the door, the parrot says to the man, ‘Ya know, for someone who can't fly, you got a lotta balls'.

[Ehiku]

The Simpsons has a number of running gags. One of the best are the prank calls which go a little bit like this:
Bart calls Moe's and asks for a phony name, one which will make Moe look stupid if he says it out loud. Moe falls for it. The patrons laugh. Moe realises he's been duped again and makes vicious threats down the phone. Bart hangs up roaring with laughter.

Which are the funniest prank calls Bart has pulled off over the years? Here are 10 of the best. If you have more post them below:

[Ehiku]

Once there were three bats. They lived in a cave surrounded by three castles. One night the bats made a bet to see who could drink the most blood.

The first bat comes home one night and has blood dripping off his fangs. The other two bats are amazed and asked how much blood he had drunk.

The first bat said, "See that castle over there? I drank the blood of three people." The second bat goes out on his night and comes back with blood around his mouth. The other two bats are astonished and ask how many people's blood had he drunk. The bat said, "See that castle over there. I drank the blood of five people."

The third bat goes out on his night and comes back covered in blood. This was totally amazing to the other two bats. They ask how much blood he drank. The 3rd bat said, "See that castle over there?" and the other bats nod. "Well," says the third bat, "I didn't."

[Ehiku]

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly.

At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "Yes" and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head, "No" and mumble a reply. Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.

The farmer replied, ''The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would ask, 'You wanna sell that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'"

[Ehiku]

The Day the Penis asked for a Raise


I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely,

P. Niss

The Response
Dear Penis:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the
Correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task..
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely,

V. Gina

[Ehiku]

A fire started on some grasslands near a farm. The county fire department was called to put out the fire. The fire was more than the county fire department could handle. Someone suggested that a nearby volunteer bunch be called. Despite some doubt that the volunteer outfit would be of any assistance, the call was made.

The volunteers arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They rumbled straight towards the fire, drove right into the middle of the flames and stopped! The firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily-controlled parts.

Watching all this, the farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department's work and was so grateful that his farm had been spared, that right there on the spot he presented the volunteers with a check for $1,000. A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds.

"That ought to be obvious, " he responded, wiping ashes off his coat."The first thing we're gonna do is get the brakes fixed on our fire truck!"

[seesaw]

There is a raffle at the local Jewish Community Centre and prizes are being drawn.

"4th prize, which goes to Hymie Himmelfarb, is a Rolls Royce." Huge applause. Hymie goes up to collect his keys and shake hands.

"3rd prize, which goes to Frank Myers, is a Rolls Royceand a cheque for £10,000." Huge applause. Frank goes up to collect his keys andcheque and shake hands.

"2nd prize, which goes to Abe Epstein, is a piece of fruit cake!" Ghastly silence.

Abe goes up to the stage to the presenter."What do you mean, a piece of fruit cake? 4th prize wasa Rolls Royce, 3rd prize was a Rolls Royce plus a chequefor £10,000, so what the hell do you mean a piece offruit cake for the second prize?"

"Ah," says the presenter, "This is special fruit cake.It's made by the Rabbi's wife"

"F**k the Rabbi's wife" says Abe, hysterically.

"What? You want the 1st prize as well?" came the reply.

[seesaw]

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "at my local in London , the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true.

"Did this actually happen to you?"

"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."

[seesaw]

A Home Depot Story !


Charlie was installing a new door and found that one of the hinges was missing.

He asked his wife Mary if she would go to Home Depot and pick up a hinge.

Mary agreed to go. While she was waiting for the manager to finish serving a customer, her eye caught a beautiful bathroom faucet.

When the manager was finished, Mary asked him, "How much is that faucet?"

The manager replied, "That's a gold plated faucet and the price is $500.00.

Mary exclaimed, "My goodness, that is a very expensive faucet. It's certainly out of my price bracket."

She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy.

The manager said that he had them in stock and went into the storeroom to get one.

From the storeroom the manager yelled. "Ma'am, do you wanna screw for the hinge?"

Mary paused for a moment and then shouted back, "No, but I will for the faucet."

This is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot!

[beary]

A very avid golfer was lined up and ready on the 17th tee when out of the woods came a naked girl who ran past him and into the woods on the other side of the tee. Being the avid golfer he was, he once again beared down on the ball and right in the middle of his backswing a guy in a white coat ran out of the woods and asked him if a naked lady ran past.

Our golfer said "Yes, she ran into the woods."

The guy in the white coat said thanks and ran after her. Our golfer again prepared to hit the ball when all of a sudden another man in a white coat came out of the woods carrying a 5 gallon bucket of sand and asked if he had seen a man in a white coat come through here chasing a naked lady. He said, "Yes, they ran that way through the woods."

The man said thanks and started to run off when the golfer stopped him and asked, "Hey, what's going on?"

The guy explained, "You see we work at a sanitarium institution nearby and every now and then that girl gets away and all she wants to do is get naked and fuck."

The golfer then asked, "Well what's the bucket of sand for?"

The guy in the white coat said, "Oh, that's my handicap. You see, I caught her last time!"

[beary]

A very naive British sailor is in a bar in London.

He meets a wild girl, and she takes him upstairs. She takes off her pants and her panties.

He looks between her legs, and he says, "What's that?"

She says, "It's me lower mouth."

He says, "What do you mean, your 'lower mouth'?"

She says, "Just what I said, it's me lower mouth. It's got a mustache...it's got lips..."

He says, "Has it got a tongue in it?"

She says, "Not always."



*******


A very popular girl went to her doctor and found out that she was pregnant.

The doctor says, "I know that you are not married! Do you know who the father of this baby is?"

The girl thought and then asked, "Doc, if you ate a can of Baked Beans, would you know which bean made you FART?"

[BaliHai]

Top 10 Answers Men Would Most Like To Give To Women's Stupid Questions, But Never Will


10. No, we can't be friends, I just want to use you for sex.

9. The dress doesn't make you look fat, its all the fucking ice-cream and chocolate you eat that makes you look fat.

8. You've got shit chance of me calling you.

7. No, I won't be gentle.

6. Of course you have to swallow.

5. Well, yes actually, I do this all the time.

4. I hate your fucking friends.

3. I have every intention of using you, and no intention of speaking to you after tonight.

2. I'd rather watch a stick movie.

1. Eat it? It took me 10 schooners to get up the courage to fuck it.


----------------


A man was sitting at a bar, morosely staring at his untouched beer.

The bartender walked over with a sigh, and asked "What's the problem, pal?"

"My brother just told me that there's a sperm bank in his neighborhood that pays $40 for a donation."

"Yeah, so?"

"Don't you realize?" the man cried. "I've let a fortune slip through my fingers!"


--------------

XXX Days of the Week


Moanday, Tongueday, Wetday, Threesumday, Fingerday, Sexday, Suckday.

[thirsty]

A young boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered what money his parents gave him. He wonders, "How am I gonna get more dough?" Then he gets an idea. He calls his father.
"Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern educators are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here that will teach Fido how to talk!"
"Why that's absolutely amazing!" his father says. "How do I get him in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1000," the boy says, "I'll get him into the course."
So, his father sends the dog and the $1000. About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. So the boy calls his father again. "So how's Fido doing, son?" his father asks.
"Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this--now they have a program here that will teach Fido to READ!" "READ!?" says his father, "That's amazing! What do I have to do to get him in that program?" "Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." So his father sends the money. At the end of the semester, the boy has a problem. When he gets
> home, he knows his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he gets home, his father is all excited. "Where's Fido? I just can't wait to hear him talk and listen to him read something!" "Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. This morning when I got out of the shower, Fido was in the living room kicking back in the recliner and reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your old man still dating that little redhead that lives down on Oak Street?' " The father says, "I hope you SHOT that lyin' sack of trash!"

[thirsty]

Three MacIntosh employees and three Microsoft employees are going from Chicago to New York for a computer conference. Both companies are sending their employees to the conference by train. When the Microsoft people get to the train station, they find that they have three tickets waiting for them. When the MacIntosh people get to the train station>they find that they only have one ticket waiting for them. But confidently, the Mac people take the one ticket and get in line for the train behind the Microsoft employees. The Microsoft employees askthe Mac employees how they expect to get on the train with only one ticket. Again with confidence, the Mac employees tell the Microsoft people to> just wait and see. The train pulls into the station and all six employees get on the train. The three Microsoft employees find their seats and watch the
Mac employees all pile into the nearest bathroom. About ten minutes later the train conductor walks through the train car asking for tickets. She takes the Microsoft's tickets and then knocks on the bathroom door where the Mac employees are and yells, "tickets, please!". Then one Mac
employee opens the bathroom door, hands his ticket to the conductor and closes the door again. The train conductor feeling satisfied moves on to the next car. All six employees arrive safely and on time.
The computer conference goes well and now that the conference isover all six employees need to get back to Chicago. The Microsoft employees decided to copy the Mac employees (like they always do) and save some money. The Microsoft employees make a phone call before going to the train station. When they get to the ticket window there is only one ticket waiting for them. When the Mac employees get to the train> station they don't even bother going up to the ticket window. The Microsoft people laugh and ask the Mac employees how do they expect to make it to Chicago without a ticket. With confidence the Mac employees tell the Microsoft employees to just wait and see.
The train pulls into the station and all six employees got on the train. The three Microsoft employees pile into the nearestbathroom,> while all the Mac employees pile into another bathroom. About seven minutes later one of the Mac employees leaves their bathroom, walks up
to the bathroom with the Microsoft employees in it. He knocks on the door and yells "tickets please!". And one Microsoft employee sticks his ticket out of the door.