Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[Zousi]

Light Bulb Jokes:
How many academic librarians does it take to change a light bulb? Just five. One changes the light bulb while the other four form a committee and write a letter of protest to the Dean, because after all, changing light bulbs IS NOT professional work! How many catalogers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just one, but they have to wait to see how LC does it first. How many cataloguers does it take to change a lightbulb? Only one provided it is in AACR2. How many reference librarians does it take to change a light-bulb? (with a perky smile) "Well, I don't know right off-hand, but I know where we can look it up!" How many reference librarians does it take to change a lightbulb? None if it has a LCSH heading. How many library system managers does it take to change a lightbulb? All of them as the manual was lost in the last move (or flood). How many library managers does it take to change a lightbulb? At least one committee and a light bulb strategy focus meeting and plan. How many library technicians does it take to change a lightbulb? Seven. One to follow approved procedure, and six to review the procedure. (8 if you count the librarian they all report to)
Q: What happens when you cross a librarian and a lawyer?
A: You get all the information you want, but you can't understand it.
There was a young couple from Delhi
Who went around belly to belly,
Because, in their haste,
They used library paste
Instead of petroleum jelly.

What did one math book say to the other math book?
" Do you want to hear my problems?"

What does the librarian say when she has to leave?
Time to book!

What did the book called "Chills" say to the other book?
" I feel chills running down my spine!"

What is a book's favorite food?
A bookworm

What's the difference between an accountant and a dectective solving the Case of the Stolen Book?
One's a bookkeeper and one's a bookcaper

Why did the librarian slip and fall on the library floor?
Because she was in the non-friction section.

What does a library book wear whenever it leaves the building?
A pager.

Where was the librarian when the lights went out?
In the dark!

[Zousi]

A young boy refused to do his homework, and his father was trying to convince
him to do it. He said to his son: "When Abe Lincoln was your age,
he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."

The son replied: "Well, when Lincoln was your age, he was President!"

Did you hear about the schoolgirl who was so excited about a book she found in the library called How to Hug?
It turned out to be volume eight of an encyclopedia.

Why did the sparrow fly into the library?
It was looking for bookworms.

A frog walked into a library and asked the librarian what he would recommend.
" How about this sir?" asked the librarian, showing him Toad of Toad Hall.
" Reddit, reddit," said the frog.

An eight year girl is trying to check out a book entitled
" Advice for Young Mothers" from the local library.

Librarian: Now why do you want to check out this particular book, dear?

Little girl: I collect moths.

Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work.
The first one said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. Everything inside is numbered."
" I think librarians are the easiest," said the second surgeon. "When you open them up all their organs are alphabetically ordered."
The third surgeon said, "I prefer to operate on electricians. All their organs are color coded."
The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their head and ass are interchangeable."

What's another word for thesaurus?

A kindergarten teacher asked the children just before she escorted them to the library, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in the Library?"
Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."

Q. What did the detective do when he didn't believe the librarian's story?
A. He booked her!

Q. When a goose goes to the library, what books does she look for?
A. Peoplebumps books!

Q. If you travel to Eastern Europe, why won't you find any books in Prague's public library?
A. They're all "Czech"ed out!

Q. What building has the most stories?
A. The library, of course!

Q. If a student goes to a seven-story library and checks out seven books, how many are left?
A. None. The library had only seven stories!

Q. Where does a librarian sleep?
A. Between the covers.

Jim said, "My dog tried to eat my library book."
" What did you do?" asked the librarian.
" I took the words right out of his mouth."

Once a blonde went to the library to get a book. A few days later, she returns and says to librarian at the counter, "This book was very boring. It had too many characters and too many numbers, so i would like to return it."
The librarian says to the other librarian, "So here is the person who took our phone book!"

What do you call a person whose library books are overdue?
A Bookkeeper.

Fire Destroys Bush Presidential Library
WASHINGTON (Reuters) - A tragic fire on Monday destroyed the personal library of President George W. Bush. Both of his books have been lost.
Presidential spokesman Ari Fleischer said the president was devastated, as he had not finished coloring the second one.

[Zousi]

A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. She was thrilled at the speed.

"If I do 150kph, will you take off your clothes?"

"Yes" said the girl.

When he got to 150kph, she peeled off her clothes. The boyfriend couldn't keep his eyes on the road, and soon went into the bush, rolling the car. She was flung clear of the wreckage, however, he was stuck between the steering wheel and the front seat.

"Go and get help!" he cried "But I can't, I'm naked and my clothes are gone" said the girl.

"Take my shoe and cover your fanny". "Go quickly"



She came up to a service station and said to the bloke behind the counter, "Quick, help me, my boyfriends stuck".

The bloke looked at the shoe and said "There's fuck all I can do lady, he's in too far".

[Zousi]

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore the door off of the driver's side. The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up. Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.

When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.

"I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"Ahhh!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex!"

[Zousi]

Ever tried to do mechanical DIY with a Haynes book?

The truth revealed.......

Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise.

Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: You will skin your knuckles!

Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Not a hope in hell matey!

Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start, now you are looking at scarey photos of the inside of a gearbox.

Haynes: Pry...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...

Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (catering size).

Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
Translation: "Jeez what was that, it nearly had my eye out"!

Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK - thats the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part.

Haynes: Lightly...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then re-check the manual because this cannot be 'lightly'what you are doing now.

Haynes: Weekly checks...
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it!

Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!

Haynes: One spanner rating.
Translation: Your Mum could do this... so how did you manage to botch it up?

Haynes: Two spanner rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, tiny, 'ikkle number... but you also thought the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you).

Haynes: Three spanner rating.
Translation: But bikes are easy to maintain right... right?

Haynes: Four spanner rating.
Translation: You are seriously considering this aren't you, you pleb!

Haynes: Five spanner rating.
Translation: OK - but don't expect us to ride in it afterwards!!!

Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

Haynes: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at, throw at the garage wall, then search in the dark corner of the garage for whilst muttering "bugger" repeatedly under your breath.

Haynes: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one"!

Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to cut yourself!

Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.

Haynes: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.

Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs removed.
Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder. Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.

Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: But you swear in different places.

Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
Translation: Snap off...

Haynes: Using a suitable drift...
Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable drift!

Haynes: Everyday toolkit
Translation: Ensure you have an RAC Card & Mobile Phone

Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate heat.

Haynes: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book bar the thing you want to do!

For Added Haynes Fun:
Go to the first section, Safety First, and read the bit about Hydrofluoric Acid - do you really want the advice of a book that uses this form of understatement???!!?

Now look at the lovely colour section on body repairs - as you look at these two pages say to yourself over and over until it sinks in "mine will never look like that..."

NB: Haynes Manuals are (c)opyright of a very disturbed sadist

[Zousi]

An elderly woman did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle.
She dropped her shopping bags, drew her handgun, and proceeded to scream at them at the top of her voice, "I have a gun and I know how to use it! Get out of the car, you scumbags!"

The four men didn't wait for a second invitation but got out and ran like mad.
The woman, somewhat shaken, proceeded to load her shopping bags in the back of the car and get into the driver's seat.
She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, to no avail.

And then it dawned on her why.
A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down.
She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station.

The sergeant, to whom she told the story, nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale males were reporting a carjacking by a mad elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filed.

[Zousi]

A guy wakes up in the African jungle after his plane has crashed. He's in reasonably good shape apart from this excruciating pain in his groin.
He looks down and the tip of his penis is missing!
He begins running hysterically through the jungle and as luck would have it he happens upon an African village and is immediately shown to the witchdoctor's hut.

The witchdoctor makes up a balm which he adminisisters to the remainder of his member. By this time the guy is totally distraught and demands of the witchdoctor "What could have done this to me? Could it have been a lion?"
"No" the witchdoctor replies "if a lion was hungry, he'd have had your leg off, at least"

"What about a leopard then ?"
"No" replies the witchdoctor "if a leopard had been hungry, he'd at least have had your arm off"

"Well what could have done this to me?" insists the guy.
The witchdoctor thinks for a minute and strokes his chin. "Was there anything unusual about your penis?"
"Yes, there was as it happens" replies the guy "it used to have 4 marks around the tip, like compass points at 90 degrees to each other"
"In that case" says the witchdoctor "It's obvious. It was a jaguar"
"A jaguar! How can you be so sure?"

"Where have you bin living, man" asks the witchdoctor "I thought everybody had heard of a four point tool eater Jaguar"

[<山雞>]

This little girl walks over to her grandmother and asks "Granny, can you show me a magic trick?" "No dear, but I think your grand father knows one." So the little girl walks over to her grandpa and asks "Grandpa, granny says you know some magic tricks, could you show me one?" The grand father looks at her, "Sure, just hop on my lap!" So the little girl jumps on his lap. "Now, can you feel a finger poking up your ass?" asks the grandpa, "Yeah" replies the girl "Well look, no hands!"

[<山雞>]

A young boy and his father were in a store when they walked past a rack of condoms. Being a curious young lad, the boy asked his father, "What are these things daddy?" His dad said, "Condoms son." The boy asked, "Why do they come in packs of 1,3, and 12?" The dad replied, "The packs with one are for the high school boys, one for Saturday night, the ones with three are for the college boys, one for Friday, Saturday and Sunday, and the ones with twelve in them are for the married men, one for January, one for February, one for March...."

[birdie8819]

Mexican Oysters

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico.

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.


He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'

The waiter replied, 'Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'

The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.'

The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins.'

[birdie8819]

CONVERSATION BETWEEN A WIFE AND HER HUSBAND


WIFE:
I wrote your name on the sand, it got washed away.
I wrote your name on the air, it was blown away.
Then...........
I wrote your name on my heart and I got a Heart Attack.

HUSBAND:
God saw me hungry, He created pizza.
He saw me thirsty, He created Pepsi..
He saw me in dark, He created light.
He saw me without problems, then He created YOU.

WIFE:
Twinkle twinkle little star
You should know what you are
And once you know what you are
Mental hospital is not so far.

HUSBAND:
The rain makes all things beautiful.
The grass and flowers too.
If rain makes all things beautiful
Why doesn't it rain on you?

WIFE:
Roses are red; Violets are blue
Monkeys like you should be kept in zoo.
Don't feel so angry, you will find me there too
Not in the cage but laughing at you.

[birdie8819]

The Internet is like a penis

It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up, but it makes it hard to get any real work done.

In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information considered vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time.

It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own devices, it will just do the same damn dumb things it did before.

It provides a way to interact with other people. Some people take this interaction very seriously, others treat it as a lark. Sometimes it's hard to tell what kind of person you're dealing with until it's too late.

If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread viruses.

It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.

We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.

If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big trouble.

It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your intentions, it will warp your behavior. Later you may ask yourself "why on earth did I do that?"

Some folks have it, some don't.

Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off. They think that those who don't have it are somehow inferior. They think it gives them power. They are wrong.

Those who don't have it may agree that it's a nifty toy, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who do have it make about it. Still, many of those who don't have it would like to try it.

Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop. Some people would just play with it all day if they didn't have work to do.

[Roman city]

On a crowded public SBS bus, an Ah Lian got aboard and refused to budge from the her position near the front door. Her only response to the demands from the bus driver was, "Wah ai go Or-Chard Load!"

Nothing the bus driver did could make her move to the rear of the bus.

Finally, a passenger whispered something into the Ah Lian's ear, whereupon she immediately made her way to the back. Surprised, the bus driver asked the passenger how he managed to do it.

The passenger smiled and said, "I told her that the front of the bus goes to Jurong while the rear will take her to Orchard Road."

[birdie8819]

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, 'Are you allergic to anything?'
He replies, 'Yes - caffeine.'

'Have you ever been in the military service?'
Yes,' he says. 'I was in Iraq for two years.'

The interviewer says, 'That will give you 5 extra points toward employment.' Then he asks, 'Are you disabled in any way?'
The guy says, 'Yes...an IED exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles.'

The interviewer grimaces and then says, 'O.K. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow. Plan on starting at 10:00 A.M. every day.'
The guy is puzzled and says, 'If the work hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M., why don't you want me here until 10:00 A.M.?'

This is a government job,' the interviewer says. 'For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.

[soundlab]

Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady:
I am 94 years old.

Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?

Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him
'Take me, young man. Take me now!'

Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?

Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, ' April Fool!' And that's when I shot him, the little bastard