Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[BaliHai]

A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring.

"Yeah right!" she says.

A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep.

Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring! The woman is amazed!

Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and begins snoring loudly.

The woman thinks maybe the ribbon might work on him. So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.

The husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused and as he walks back into the bedroom he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.

He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers, "I don't know where we were, or what we did, but, by God, we took first and second place!"

[BaliHai]

A few years ago a man who was openly gay was elected as the Mayor of Key West, Florida.

After the election results were in, a hord of reporters surrounded him and began asking him questions on how he won.

A young reporter walked up to him and said: "Mr. Mayor, I understand that you used a basic grass roots campaign to win, met lots of people, shook lots of hands, kissed lots of babies...I even heard that you kissed a parakeete."

The mayor relied: "That's right young man, I brought the campaign to the people, but I must correct you on one point,

I did not kiss a parakeete......I kissed a Cock-or-two."

[BaliHai]

A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She protested, "But we don't know anything about each other." He replied, "That's all right; we'll learn about each other as we go along."

So she consented, and they were married and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.

One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. This was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position before he gain straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on his towel.

She said, "That was incredible!"

He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. She was moving so fast that the froth from her pushing off at one end of the pool would hardly be gone before she was already touching the other end of the pool. She did laps in freestyle, breast stroke, even butterfly! After about thirty laps, completed in mere minutes, she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, barely breathing hard.

He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?" No," she said, "I was a hooker in Buffalo and I worked both sides of the Niagara River."

[BaliHai]

A man on a construction site thirty floors up had to go to the bathroom. He approached his foreman and told him that he was going down to use the restroom. The foreman told him he was crazy; by the time he got down and back up, he'd lose a half hour.

The foreman pushed a plank out over the edge of the building. He stood on one end and told the guy to go out on the other end and pee. He said, "Damn, Chuck, we're thirty floors up! Piss'll turn to vapor before it hits the ground!"

What could he do? It was his foreman, after all. So the guy gingerly heads out on the plank.

Suddenly the foreman's cell phone rang. Not even thinking, he jumped off the board to get it, sending the peeing man to his death!

At the inquest, an electrician who was working on the twenty-seventh floor was asked what he'd witnessed regarding the accident.

"I'm not really sure. I think it had something to do with sex."

The coroner said, "Sex? Why do you think that?

The electrician replied, "I saw the man falling with his dick in his hand, screaming, "Where'd that cocksucker go?"

[Roman city]

One afternoon, a man was riding in the back of his limousine when he noticed two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. “Why are you eating grass?” he asked one man. “We don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied. “Oh, come along with me then.” the man from the limousine said excitedly. “But sir, I have a wife with two children!” “Bring them along! And you, come with us too!” he said to the other man. “But sir, I have a wife with six children!” the second man answered. “Bring them as well!” So, they all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a vehicle as large as the limousine. One of the poor fellows expressed his gratitude, “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.” The rich man replied, “No, thank you… the grass at my place is about three feet tall and I could use the help!”

[soundlab]

A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept
it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and
arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The
prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the
sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little
old Grandma. The young girl was frantic.
Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked
curiously, "What are you lining up for, dear? " Not willing to let
grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some
people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for
some.
"Mmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma. "I think I'll have some myself,"
she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police
officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes.
When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered.
"But you're so old... how do you do it? "
Grandma replied, "Oh, it's quite easy, sonny... I just remove my
dentures and suck 'em dry! "

[soundlab]

During the service, the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation
would like to express praise for prayers, which had been answered.
A lady stood up and came forward.
She said, ‘I have a reason to thank the Lord.’
‘Two months ago, my husband, John, had a terrible bicycle wreck and
his scrotum was completely crushed.’
‘The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could
help him.’
You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as
they imagined the pain that poor John experienced.
She continued, ‘John was unable to hold me or the children and every
move caused him terrible pain.’
‘We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation.’
‘They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of John's
scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.’
Again, the men in the Congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they
imagined the horrible surgery performed on John.
She continued, ‘Now, John is out of the hospital and the doctors say,
with time, his scrotum should recover completely.’
All the men sighed with relief.
The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to
say.
A man rose and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, ‘I'm John and I would like to tell my beautiful blonde wife,
the word is 'sternum.’

[soundlab]

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event
hosted by a local liberal arts college.
There was no shortage of young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one
of whom approached the Sergeant Major.
She asked ‘Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very
Serious man.
Is something bothering you?’
‘Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.’
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, ‘It
looks like you have seen a lot of action?’
‘Yes, ma'am, a lot of action.’
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said,
‘You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.’
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, ‘You know, I hope you don't take this the
wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?’
‘1955’, he replied.
‘Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need To
chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!’
She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to
'relax' him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and
Said, ‘Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955.’
The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his
watch, ‘I hope not; it's only 2130 now.’

[soundlab]

Jon goes to he doctor's and sits in a queue between to other guys.
They start talking and one admits to having a red ring round the top
of his penis. Jon then admits that he too has a line round the top of
his penis, but its green
The third guy admits that this ring he has is orange.
The doctor calls in the first guy with the red ring leaving Jon and
the other sufferer nervously awaiting their fate. There's no noise and
after about 15 minutes the guy re-appears with a big grin on his face.
‘Nothing to it, ‘ he said.
The doctor reappeared and called the guy with the orange ring into the
consulting room.
‘So what happened,’ inquired Jon. ‘Piece of cake’ the other guy
replies. ‘The Doctor examined the problem, coated on some cream and
after ten minutes told me to wash it all off. And that was it! The
ring had gone!’
The other guy appears and starts to tell the same story and of the
similar treatment just as the Doctor calls for Jon. Jon wanders in,
full of confidence, drops his trousers and asks where the cream is
kept. The Doctor looks at Jon over the top of his glasses, picks up a
wooden spatula, and proceeds
to examine Jon's appendage with great concern. ‘I've got some bad news
for you Jon,’ the Doctor pronounces, ‘we will have to amputate your
penis as soon as possible!’
Jon sinks into a chair in disbelief and horror. ‘Can't you just give
me the cream like you did for the other two guys. They've recovered
OK.’
‘Well Jon,’ says the doc,’there's all the difference in the world
between removing lipstick and dealing with gangrene!’

[soundlab]

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him ‘Buddy’ or
‘Lassie’. I call mine ‘Sex’. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to
me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told
the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, ‘I would like
to have one too!’ Then I said, ‘But she is a dog!’ He said he didn't
care what she looked like. I said, ‘You don't understand. ... I have
had Sex since I was nine years old.’ He replied, ‘You must have been
quite a strong boy.’ When I decided to get married, I told the
minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to
wait until after the wedding was over. I said, ‘But Sex has played a
big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex.’ He said
he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us
in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the
wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My
family is barred from the church from then on. When my wife and I went
on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the
motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a
special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place
for sex. I said, ‘You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at
night.’ The clerk said, ‘Me too!’
One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began,
the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking
around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He
said that I should have sold my own tickets. ‘You don't understand,’
I said, ‘I hoped to have Sex on TV.’ He called me a show off.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of
the dog. I said, ‘Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex
left me after I was married.’ The Judge said, ‘Me too!’
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her.
A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4
o'clock in the morning. I said, ‘I'm looking for Sex.’ -- My case
comes up next Thursday.
Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn
troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day
when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me,
‘What seems to be the trouble?’ I replied, ‘Sex has been my best
friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live
any longer so lonely.’ and the doctor said, ‘Look mister, you should
understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so get yourself a dog.’

[soundlab]

Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a
redhead and one's a blonde.
The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she
has any last requests.
She says no and the executioner shouts, ''Ready! Aim!'' Suddenly the
brunette yells,
''EARTHQUAKE!!!'' Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the
ground while she escapes.
The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she
has any last requests. She say no and the executioner shouts, ''Ready!
Aim!'' Suddenly the redhead yells,
''TORNADO!!!'' Everyone is startled and looks around for cover while
she escapes.
By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward
and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no and
the executioner shouts, Ready! Aim!'' and the blonde yells,
''FIRE!!!'''

[Cum_Luver]

Taxi Driver Joke

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the sidewalk, and stopped centimetres from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, “Look mate, don’t ever do that again.
You scared the fucking daylights out of me!”
The passenger apologized and said, “I didn’t realize that a little tap would scare you so much.”
The driver replied, “Sorry, it’s not really your fault.
Today is my first day as a cab driver.
I’ve been driving a hurse for the last 25 years.”

[Cum_Luver]

Ancient Chinese Torture

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by a very old Chinese man with a long, grey beard.

"I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."

"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old given her father's age, and entered the house. Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal.

Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest."

"Well, that's pretty pathetic," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the large rock, walked over to the window and threw it out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."

[Cum_Luver]

The Happy Hangover

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"

He stumbles into the kitchen and sure enough, there is a hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee, and the morning newspaper all waiting for him. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 in the morning, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh THAT! Well, Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed,'Leave me alone, I'm married!'"

[Cum_Luver]

10 Worst Company Domains

Everyone knows that if you are going to operate a business in today’s world you need a domain name. It is advisable to look at the domain name selected as other see it and not just as you think it looks. Failure to do this may result in situations such as the following (legitimate) companies who deal in everyday humdrum products and services but clearly didn’t give their domain names enough consideration:

1. A site called ‘Who Represents‘ where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity. Their domain name… wait for it… is "www.whorepresents.com"

2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at "www.expertsexchange.com"

3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at "www.penisland.net"

4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at "www.therapistfinder.com"

5. Then of course, there’s the Italian Power Generator company… "www.powergenitalia.com"

6. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales: "www.molestationnursery.com"

7. If you’re looking for computer software, there’s always "www.ipanywhere.com"

8. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church. Their website is "www.cummingfirst.com"

9. Then, of course, there’s these brainless art designers, and their whacky website: "www.speedofart.com"

10. Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe? Try their brochure website at "www.gotahoe.com"