Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[~oyster~]

Birthday suit

A wife was begining to worry about her and her husbands non-existant sex life. So one afternoon the woman decided to ask her friend for some advice on how to put the spark back into her marriage.

Her friend gave her some advice that always worked with her own husband. She told the woman that every day before her husband was due back home from work, she puts on her birthday suit and waits at the top of the stairs for him to arrive. when he does, he sees her and cannot resist her and they have wild passionate sex.

The woman ran home and immediately, put on her birthday suit and waited at the top of the stairs for her husband. Within time her husband arrived through the door, looked at her and said "what on earth are you doing?"

The wife replied "it's my birthday suit, don't you like it?"

The husband responded "you could have ironed it first"

[bakylotus]

NUNS ARE NOT SPINSTERS


A man had a serious heart attack and had bypass surgery.
He awakened and found himself in the care of nuns in a
catholic hospital.

As he was recovering, a nun asked how he was going to
pay the bill. He replied in a weak and raspy voice, 'no
health insurance'.

The nun asked if he had money in the bank. 'No money in
the bank', he replied.

The nun then asked, 'Do you have a relative that could
help you?'

He said, 'Just a spinster sister who is a nun'.

The nun, slightly perturbed said, 'Nuns are not spinsters,
we are married to God'.

The patient replied, 'Then send the bill to my brother-in-law'.

[Zousi]

Plane crash and Monkey !!!

Once in Brazil a plane crashed, only a monkey who was traveling in the plane was left alive. Fortunately the monkey was intelligent enough to understand our language and reply in actions.


The officials went to see the monkey in the hospital and had a talk with the monkey.


Officer: "When the plane took off what were the travelers doing?"
Monkey: "Tying their belts"
Officer: "What were the air hostesses doing?"
Monkey: "Saying Hello! Good morning!"
Officer: "What were the pilots doing?"
Monkey: "Checking the system"
Officer: "What were you doing?"
Monkey: "Looking for my people"
Officer: "After 10' minutes what were the travelers doing?"
Monkey: "Having beverages and snacks"
Officer: "What were the air hostesses doing?"
Monkey: "Serving the travelers"
Officer: "What were the Pilots doing?"
Monkey: "Handling the steering"
Officer: "What were you doing?"
Monkey: "Eating & throwing"


Officer: "After 30 minutes what were the travelers doing?"
Monkey: "Some were sleeping and some were reading"
Officer: "What were the air hostesses doing?"
Monkey: "Make up"
Officer: "What were the pilots doing?"
Monkey: "Handling the steering"
Officer: "What were you doing?"
Monkey: "Nothing"


Officer: "Just before plane crash what were the travelers doing?"
Monkey: "All were sleeping"
Officer: "What were the pilots doing?"
Monkey: "Handling the air hostess"
Officer: What were you doing?
Monkey: Handling the steering!!!!!

[Zousi]

NINE WORDS WOMEN USE*



(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.


(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome’... that will bring on a 'whatever').

(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying ‘No use of banging head on the wall’.


(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

[Zousi]

Unused Lover

A guy arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find his lover in bed with a young, handsome boy.

Just as he was about to storm out of the house, his lover stopped him with these words: "Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about:"

"Driving home, I saw this young guy, looking poor and tired, I offered him a ride. He was hungry, so I brought him home and fed him some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator.

His shoes were worn out so I gave him a pair of your shoes you didn't wear because they were out of style.

He was cold so I gave him that new birthday sweater you never wore even once because the color didn't suit you.

His trousers were worn out so I gave him a pair of yours that you don't fit into anymore.

Then as he was about to leave the house, he paused and asked, 'Is there anything else that your lover doesn't use anymore?'

"And so, here we are!"

[Zousi]

Hard Marines

It was 5:00 in the morning at the U.S. Marine boot camp, well below freezing, and the soldiers were asleep in their barracks.

The drill sergeant walks in and bellows, "This is an inspection! I wanna see you's all formed up outside butt naked NOW!"

So, the soldier's quickly jumped out of bed, naked and shivering, and ran outside to form up in their three ranks.

The sarge walked out and yells, "Close up the ranks, conserve your body heat!" So they close in slightly...

The captain comes along with his swagger stick.

He goes to the first soldier and whacks him right across the chest with it. "DID THAT HURT?" he yells.

"No, Sir!" came the reply.

"Why not?"

"Because I'm a U.S. Marine, Sir!"

The captain is impressed, and walks on to the next man.

He takes the stick and whacks the soldier right across the rear.

"Did THAT hurt?"

"No, Sir!"

"Why not?"

"Because I'm a U.S. Marine, Sir!"

Still extremely impressed, the captain walks to the third guy, and sees he has an enormous erection. Naturally, he gave his target a huge WHACK with the swagger stick.

"Did THAT hurt?"

"No, Sir!"

"Why not?"

"Because it belongs to the guy behind me, Sir!"

[Zousi]

Gay Present Giving

Two gay guys are going at it. After they finish, one turns to the other and says "Hey, I feel something in my ass ... see if you can feel anything." So his boyfriends puts his finger in his ass and feels around. "I don't feel anything",the boyfriend says. So the first guy says, "No deeper...I'm sure I feel something".

So the boyfriend put his hand in the guys ass and feels around. "I'm telling you there is nothing there" says the boyfriend. "No really", the guys says, "I can feel it, look deeper." So the boyfriend puts his whole arm in the guys ass and is feeling around when he touches something.

"Hey, I found something,"says the boyfriend. "Well take it out," says the guy. The boyfriend pulls his hand out of the guys ass, looks at it and see's it is a Rolex. The guy starts singin, "Happy Birthday to you, Happy birthday to you......"

[Zousi]

A Week in Hell

A man named Vinny dies and goes to hell.

The Devil says to him "Hey Vinny we've been waitin for ya!".

Vinny smiles and walks with the Devil and the Devil says "I gotta ask you a couple questions, do you like to smoke?" Vinny answers "Ya, I love to smoke." The Devil says "Good you'll like Mondays we smoke everything cigarettes, cigars, weed everything."

"Now do you like to drink?" Then Vinny says "Of course I love to drink." The Devil replies "Great we drink everything on Tuesdays you will fit in great."

"Do you like to have sex?" Vinny says "Hell ya sex is the best." The Devil smiles and replies "We have sex with every type of woman you could think of on Wedesdays."

And the Devil finally says "Now, are you gay?" Vinny frowns and answers "NO I'm not gay! And the Devil looks down and finishes "Your gonna hate Thursdays."

[Zousi]

Gay Problems

Three guys go to see a witch doctor about their problems.

One has a smoking problem, one is an alcholic and one is gay but wants to change.

The docter puts a curse on them that if any of them indulge their habits again they will die.

Two days later the alcholic dies because he gave in and had to drink.

The next day the gay guy and the smoker are walking down the street together. The smoker sees a cigarette lying and the ground and stops to stare at ir.

The gay guy looked at him and said "if you bend over and pick that up we are both fucked"

[Zousi]

Fly Left Open

The manager hired a new secretary. He was young, smart, handsome and polite.

One day while taking dictation, he noticed the managers fly was open. When he was leaving the room, he courteously said, "Oh, by the way sir, did you know that your barracks door is open?"

The manager did not understand the secretarys remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his new employee. Calling him in, he asked, "By the way Mr. Jones, when you saw my barracks door open, did you also see a soldier standing at attention?"

The secretary, who was also quite witty, replied, "Why no, sir. All I saw was a little, disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags."

[Zousi]

Gay Translator

I want a commitment.
I'm sick of masturbation.

Haven't I seen you before?
Nice ass.

I need you.
My hand is tired.

You're the only man I've ever cared about.
You are the only man who hasn't rejected me.

I'm a Romantic.
I'm poor.

I really want to get to know you better.
So I can tell my friends about it.

It's just orange juice, try it.
3 more shots, and he'll have his legs around my head.

He's kinda cute.
I want to have sex with him till my dick turns blue!

He's not my type.
He won't sleep with me.

I miss you so much
I am so horny that my dog is starting to look good.

I had a wonderful time last night.
Who the hell are you?

Do you love me?
I've done something stupid and you might find out.

Do you 'really' love me?
I've done something stupid and you're going to find out.

I'll give you a call.
I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again.

I've been thinking a lot.
You're not as attractive as when I was drunk.

I think we should just be friends.
You're ugly.

I've learned a lot from you.
Next!!!!

[CNY_OX09]

10Q very much to all of you.
make my day a little easier to pass as have a very bad day at work,almost wallop my supervisor.

[tcss-moderator]

A man went with his wife on honeymoon and they were getting undressed together for the first time.
The man took off his shoes and socks and his toes were all twisted and discolored.
"What happened to your feet?" his wife asked.
"I had a childhood disease called Tolio."
"Don't you mean polio?"
"No, tolio, it only affects the toes."
Men then removed his pants and revealed an awful-looking pair of knees.
"What happened to your knees?" she asked.
"Well, I also had Kneesles."
"Don't you mean measles?"
"No, kneesles, it only affects the knees."
When he removed his shorts, his wife gasped and said, "Don't tell me, you also had Smallcox!"

[tcss-moderator]

This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window...

He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.

"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?

"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.

He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."

Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having s*x with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

She replies, "Yes, getting herpies - thats why I am here!"

[tcss-moderator]

Ben asks his new girlfriend for a hand job. 'Ive never done that' she says, 'what do I do ?' 'Well' replies Ben, 'remember when you were a kid and you'd shake a coke bottle and spray your brother with it ... that's what you do.' She nods, so he pulls his manhood out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it. A minute later, he has tears running down his face, snot flowing from his nose and wax flying from his ears. She asks 'Whats wrong ?'
Ben cries 'TAKE YOUR FUCKING THUMB OFF THE END !!!'