Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[JoyfulCat7]

Originally Posted by saltwet

Singapore Minister: Remember, this is not Indian variant. This is global pandemic. We can call it South Asia variant.

India Minister: Singapore variant can cause 3rd wave in India. We need to protect our children. We need to ban Singaporeans from our country.

Singapore Minister: KNN WTF...

Singapore Minister boji, still welcoming South Asians to Singapore and spreading virus here

[Hurricane88]

I am sharing this. The person who wrote this has spent considerable time coming up with this......so enjoy it as I have.

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, the Government has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early, mandatory retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.

This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the Government to be considered for the SHAFT programme (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).

A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the Government deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the Government..

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The Government has always prided themselves on the amount of SHIT they give our citizens.

Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your MP, who has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

Sincerely –

The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)

PS - Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, The Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.

[Hurricane88]

😄😄😄😄😄
Nudist Colony.....!!! :-)

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony....On his first day there, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around.

A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?'

The man replies, 'No, what do you mean?'

She says, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.'

Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and, as he sits down, he farts.....

Within minutes, a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam-room toward him, 'Did you call for me?' says the hairy man.

'No, what do you mean?' says the newcomer.

'You must be new,' says the hairy man, 'it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.' The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she says.

The man yells, 'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee.'

'But, Sir,' she replies, 'you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities.'

The man replies, 'Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 35 times a day!!'

[onionpower]

Originally Posted by Hurricane88

The man replies, 'Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 35 times a day!!'

I pity him hahahaha

[SBMEDSUP]

Screw by gahmen everyone jokes.

[saltwet]

At a million dollars quiz game if you do not know this, you lost your million dollars.
See how many of you can answer it correctly.

People in America - American
People in Britain - British
People in China - Chinese
People in Japan - Japanese
People in Singapore - Singaporean
People In India - ?

[etsys]

Originally Posted by SBMEDSUP

More jokes pls.

Here's one more

[saltwet]

She fell in love with a Parade Commander but he asked her to "ke belakang pusing"

She fell in love with a traffic police officer but he didn't give her the green light.

She fell in love with a Range Instructor but he already has a target in mind

She fell in love with a Coast Guard Officer but he kept drifting away.

She fell in love with a traffic light but he kept giving her mixed signal.

She fell in love with the ERP gantry but he says love comes with a price.

She fell in love with a butcher, and knew that they were destined to meat.

She fell in love with a Safe Distancing Ambassador but he kept his distance

She fell in love with a SAF soldier but he was always shooting blanks

[Basquiat]

Thanks for the nice jokes.

[unitybudget]

Support nice thread.

[resilience]

Originally Posted by saltwet

Ah Mei: TOTO, 4D hard to kana BUT all believe that they will. South Asia virus easy to kana BUT all believe that they won't

Ah Boy: I believe in 1617 and I win the consolation prize last Saturday ah.

Congrats and nice joke.

[Hurricane88]

An undercover cop called at my farm in rural Dorset yesterday evening...
“I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs”, he said.

“By all means officer, just don’t go in that field over there”, I replied.

The cop exploded, saying “Do you know who the fuck I am?! I have the authority of the government with me!”, he shouted before pulling a badge out of his back pocket, “Do you see this fucking badge?! This badge means I can do what I want and I’ll go wherever the fuck I want, have I made myself clear?!”

I nodded politely, apologised, and went about my chores. A short while later, I hear loud screams, looked up and saw the cop running for his life being chased by my angry bull. With each step, the bull was gaining ground and he seemed sure to be gored before he reached safety. The officer looked terrified and continued to run for his life.

I threw down my tools, immediately ran to the edge of the fence and shouted at the top of my lungs,

“Your badge, show him your fucking badge!”

[dyelook]

laughter bumps...

[etsys]

*Joke of the day!*
😂😂😂😅

*Fight between husband and wife (both are M.A. in English literature). Instead of shouting, abusing or physical force...they exchange poems to each other.😀*

*WIFE*
I wrote your name on sand it got washed...
I wrote your name in air, it was blown away.
Then I wrote your name on my heart & I got Heart Attack. 🙄

*HUSBAND*
God saw me hungry, he created pizza.
He saw me thirsty, he created Pepsi.
He saw me in the dark, he created light.
He saw me without problems, he created YOU. 😏

*WIFE*
Twinkle twinkle little star
You should know what you are
And once you know what you are
Mental hospital is not so far!🤨

*HUSBAND*
The rain makes all things beautiful.
The grass and flowers too.
If rain makes all things beautiful
Why doesn't it rain on you? 🙄

*WIFE*
Roses are red; Violets are blue
Monkeys like you should be kept in zoo.😠

*Husband*
Don't feel so angry you will find me there too
Not in a cage but laughing at you!🥴

*👍Don't laugh alone, share it with others also! 😃*

[etsys]

Originally Posted by dyelook

laughter bumps...

Hope this helps