Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[bigbirdbird]

Family Insanity


The young bride's mother had some old-fashioned ideas of marriage, and passed them on to her daughter.

"Never let your husband see you in the nude," she advised. "You should always wear something."

"Yes, mother," replied the obedient girl.

Two weeks after the wedding, the girl and her brand-new husband were preparing to retire when the guy asked, "Dear, has there ever been any insanity in your family?"

"Not that I know of," she answered. "Why?"

"Well, we've been married for two weeks now and every night you've worn that silly hat to bed."

[bigbirdbird]

The Airbus and the Fighter Pilot


An Airbus 380 is on its way across the Atlantic.

It flies consistently at 800 km/h in 30,000 feet, when suddenly a Eurofighter with Tempo Mach 2 appears.

The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: "Airbus flight, boring flight isn’t it? Take care and have a look here!”

He rolls his jet on its back, accelerates, breaks through the sound barrier, rises rapidly to a dizzying height, only to swoop down almost to sea level in a breathtaking dive.

He loops back next to the Airbus and asks, "Well, how was that?"

The Airbus pilot answers: "Very impressive, but now have a look here!"

The jet pilot watches the Airbus, but nothing happens. It continues to fly stubbornly straight, with the same speed.

After five minutes, the Airbus pilot radioed, "Well, what are you saying now?"

The jet pilot asks confused: "What did you do?"

The other laughs and says, "I got up, stretched my legs, went to the back of the flight to the bathroom, got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon cake and made an appointment with the stewardess for the next three nights - in a 5 Star hotel, which is paid for by my employer. "

The moral of the story is: When you are young, speed and adrenaline seem to be great. But as you get older and wiser, comfort and peace are not to be despised either.

This is called S.O.S.: Slower, Older, Smarter.

[bigbirdbird]

Testing a New Machine


A couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father.

He asked if they were interested.

Both said they were very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.

But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.

The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer.

The husband was still feeling fine.

The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.

At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well.

Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain and the husband had experienced none. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, they found the postman dead on the porch.

[NineDots]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

Testing a New Machine


A couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father.

He asked if they were interested.

Both said they were very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.

But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.

The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer.

The husband was still feeling fine.

The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.

At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well.

Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain and the husband had experienced none. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, they found the postman dead on the porch.

Haha this is a very nice joke

[dyelook]

bumps for nice jokes..

[SnowCat]

Nice jokes...

[Hurricane88]

A Mother -in -Law decides to test her three Son- in- laws for their good nature.

For this she goes for a walk by a river with the first son in law & jumps in. He saves her. Next morning he finds a Toyota corolla parked outside his house with note: From your Mother In Law.


Next she goes for a walk by the river with the second son in law & jumps in. He too saves her. Next morning he also finds a Toyota Corolla parked outside his house with note : From your Mother In Law.


Next she goes for a walk by a river with the third son in law & jumps in. He just laughs and walks away. Next morning he finds a BMW M5 parked outside his house with note:

from your Father In Law!😂😂😂😜😜😃...]

[BiggerLeague]

Originally Posted by Hurricane88

A Mother -in -Law decides to test her three Son- in- laws for their good nature.

For this she goes for a walk by a river with the first son in law & jumps in. He saves her. Next morning he finds a Toyota corolla parked outside his house with note: From your Mother In Law.


Next she goes for a walk by the river with the second son in law & jumps in. He too saves her. Next morning he also finds a Toyota Corolla parked outside his house with note : From your Mother In Law.


Next she goes for a walk by a river with the third son in law & jumps in. He just laughs and walks away. Next morning he finds a BMW M5 parked outside his house with note:

from your Father In Law!😂😂😂😜😜😃...]

Hahahaaa good one!!

[etsys]

Lol

[Hurricane88]

🤥A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I giveyou this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can getjust to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."👇🏽

The man replied,🤨 "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, gambling, golf, and sex.". 😅🤣😅🤣

[bigbirdbird]

Late Night Phone Call


A lady who was very fond of dogs and whose dog was in heat agreed to take care of her neighbors' dogs while they were on vacation.

Since she had a big house she thought she could keep the two dogs away from each other.

However, on the first night as she began to fall asleep she heard screams of moans and awful cries.

She rushed downstairs and found the two dogs together in obvious pain, and unable to disengage as often happens when two dogs mate.

Impossible to separate them!

Perplexed as to what to do, although it was rather late at night, she called one of her neighbors, who luckily was a veterinarian.

He answered in a very grumpy voice.

After she explained the problem, the vet suggested:

"Hang up the phone and place it near the dogs. I will call you back and the sound of the bell will make the erection of the male lose and he will be able to withdraw. "

"Do you really think it will work? "She asked.

"Chances are good. It just worked for me!!!"

[bigbirdbird]

Follow-Up


A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone for her.

She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.

"Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before."

The doctor reassured her. "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?"

"On my balls."

[bigbirdbird]

Granny Doesn’t Approve


A teenage granddaughter goes to an appointment with a transparent blouse and no bra.

Her grandmother almost has a fit, and tells her not dare to go out like that.

The teenager replies, "Relax Granny, are modern times. You need to let your roses appear." And she leaves.

The next day, the grandmother is around the house shirtless. Granddaughter wants to die, she tells her grandmother who has friends who will arrive shortly and that it is not appropriate .....

Grandma interrupts, saying, "Relax, honey. If you can show your rosebushes, so I can showcase my hanging peppers.”

[bigbirdbird]

Home from Work and Horny

A man returned home from the night shift at 7 am, went straight up to the bedroom, and found his wife with the sheet pulled over her head, feigning sleep.

Not to be denied, the horny fellow pulled up the sheet and proceeded to give her a lustful romp, bringing her to multiple screaming orgasms.

Afterward, as he hurried downstairs for something to eat, he was startled to find breakfast on the table and his wife pouring coffee.

"How'd you get down here so fast?" he asked.

“What do you mean?” she asked.



He answered, "We just had sex!"

"Oh my God," his wife gasped, "that's my mother up there! She came over with a headache. I told her to lie down for a while."

Rushing upstairs, the woman ran into the bedroom.

"Why didn't you say something!" she asked her mother.

"I haven't spoken to that jerk in fifteen years," she huffed, "and I wasn't about to start now!"

[bigbirdbird]

Some Proposed Slogans Promoting National Condom Week




1. Cover Your Stump Before U Hump

2. Before U Attack Her, Wrap Yr Whacker

3. Don't Be Silly, Protect Yr Willy

4. When In Doubt, Shroud Yr Spout

5. Don't Be A Loner, Cover Yr Boner

6. You Cant Go Wrong If U Shield Yr Dong

7. If You're Not Goin To Sack It, Go Home And Whack It.

8. If U Think She's Spunky Cover Yr Monkey

9. If U Slip Between Her Thighs, Be Sure To Condomize

10. It Will Be Sweeter If U Wrap Yr Peter

11. She Wont Get Sick If U Wrap Yr Dick

12. If U Go In To Heat, Package Yr Meat

13. While Yr Undressing Venus, Dress Up Yr Penis

14. When U Take Off Her Pants And Blouse, Slip Up Yr Trouser Mouse

15. Especially In December, Gift Wrap Yr Member

16. Never, Never Deck Her With An Unwrapped Pecker

17. Don’t Be A Fool, Vulcanize Yr Tool

18. The Right Selection Will Protect Yr Erection

19. Wrap It In Foil Before Checking Her Oil

20. A Crank with Armor Will Never Harm Her

21. No Glove, No Love!