Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[S.B.Y.1]

[trami]

Bro, funny nice punjabi jokes.

Hope to read more. Tks.

Originally Posted by S.B.Y.1

[bigbirdbird]

Originally Posted by S.B.Y.1

Old But Nice Joke Pak

[CafeUm]

Pak, very good Punjabi joke.

Hope you share more.

Originally Posted by S.B.Y.1

[35cents]

nice one pak!

Originally Posted by S.B.Y.1

[scoundred]

Very nice joke, thanks all!

[bigbirdbird]

At the Mall




As Sadie and Irving are leaving the mall, they see their neighbour's son Paul and his fiancée, Sharon just going in.

"Did you see her? " Sadie says.

"See who?" asks Irving, pretending not to know what Sadie is referring to.

"Paul's fiancée, that's who," Sadie says, "She's dressing all wrong. She's probably 37-23-35, and with big breasts like hers, she shouldn't be wearing such a skimpy see through top. And such a tight leather skirt she's wearing - I don't know how she can breathe properly. And it's so short, it makes her legs look too long. And, her breasts are so loose, and with her not wearing a bra like that, they are bouncing all over the place. I know she's got a beautiful face but I don't think blonde dyed hair suits her. Believe me, Irving, that marriage won't last more than 1 year."

With a deep sigh, Irving replies, "Please, God, I should have such a year."

[bigbirdbird]

Shorts



A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?" "Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"



Michael: "I think that the cute little pharmacist down at the chemist is stuck up." Roy: "Why do you say that?" Michael: "Well, I ask her out every month when I go in to get my herpes and hemorrhoid medicines, but she just looks at me like I'm a leper or something."



What is the definition of suspicious??
A nun doing pushups in a cucumber patch


Henry and Doris were sitting in the lounge of the old folks' home one evening, Henry in his pajamas and dressing gown. Doris whispered, "Henry! Do yourself up properly; your willy's sticking out!" Henry looked down, and said, "Don't flatter yourself, dear. My willy is HANGING out!"



Where does virgin wool come from?
An ugly sheep.



What do you call a smiling Roman with pubic hair between his teeth?
Gladiator.



Little Johnny walks in on his dad giving his wife a good screwing. Later on he finds his dad, and he asked, "Hey Dad! What were you just doing?" His father says, "I was filling your mother's tank." Johnny says, "Oh, yeah? Well, you should get a model that gets better mileage. The milkman filled her this morning."



Yo momma is so fat she uses a pillow for a tampon.

[bigbirdbird]

New Small Car for Women


Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women. Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'.

It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it -- let alone turn it on -- even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it .

Rumor has it, though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month, and can be a real bitch to start in the morning!

Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over.

New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain and horribly expensive to get rid of.

Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but

eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight usually increases with age.

Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the trunk increases as mileage increases.

This model is not expected to reach collector status.

Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace it each year.

[bigbirdbird]

HOW TO SHIT LIKE A MAN:

Select reading material.

Tell everyone along the way, "Just going for a dump, okay?" Always tell girlfriend/wife, especially when she has visitors.

Pull pants and trousers around ankles, then sit down.

Adjust penis and testicles to hang comfortably without touching the toilet rim.

Open reading material and relax.

Whilst waiting, it is traditional to audibly fart.

Sigh loudly as the first one bullets out. It is quite normal to experience a cold jet of water rocket up your anus as a result of the first bomb. This is to be endured if you want to be a real man.

Remain sitting and reading until pins-and-needles set in to your legs and buttocks.

Rise and look at the crap. Make mental notes of irregularities to report to friends and girlfriend/wife, e.g. color, consistency, any visible traces of peanuts etc. You must tell people about it.

Take long length of paper and wipe anus. You must look at the Paper before throwing it into the bowl.

Repeat step 10 until there is no longer any evidence of feces on the paper.

Flush. If there is any residue left on the bowl, under no circumstances attempt to clean it off. In due course, it will come away by itself. Or, when your girlfriend/wife next uses the toilet.

Leave the seat up. Leave the reading material on the floor (you Can use it again later).

Wash your hands once.

Vacate the bathroom, leaving the door open. It is important to a man's self-esteem that other people smell his produce.

[LuckyWan]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

HOW TO SHIT LIKE A MAN:

Select reading material.

Tell everyone along the way, "Just going for a dump, okay?" Always tell girlfriend/wife, especially when she has visitors.

Pull pants and trousers around ankles, then sit down.

Adjust penis and testicles to hang comfortably without touching the toilet rim.

Open reading material and relax.

Whilst waiting, it is traditional to audibly fart.

Sigh loudly as the first one bullets out. It is quite normal to experience a cold jet of water rocket up your anus as a result of the first bomb. This is to be endured if you want to be a real man.

Remain sitting and reading until pins-and-needles set in to your legs and buttocks.

Rise and look at the crap. Make mental notes of irregularities to report to friends and girlfriend/wife, e.g. color, consistency, any visible traces of peanuts etc. You must tell people about it.

Take long length of paper and wipe anus. You must look at the Paper before throwing it into the bowl.

Repeat step 10 until there is no longer any evidence of feces on the paper.

Flush. If there is any residue left on the bowl, under no circumstances attempt to clean it off. In due course, it will come away by itself. Or, when your girlfriend/wife next uses the toilet.

Leave the seat up. Leave the reading material on the floor (you Can use it again later).

Wash your hands once.

Vacate the bathroom, leaving the door open. It is important to a man's self-esteem that other people smell his produce.

Nice one bro hehee

[bigbirdbird]

Catholic Coffee in Rome


Four old Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peters Square.
The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, The four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"

She proudly replies, I have a daughter, SLIM & TALL: 40 D Breasts 24" Waist 34" Hips

When she walks into a room, people say, ‘Oh.. My God!!’

[bigbirdbird]

Playing Doctor


While watching the football play-offs at their local pub, Michael complained to Roy that the love making with his girlfriend was becoming routine and boring.

"Well I think you need to get creative," Roy said. "Break up the monotony. Why don't you try 'playing doctor' for an hour?" Roy suggested..

"Hmmm, that's what I'll do. It sounds great but tell me, how in the hell do I make it last for an hour?" his Michael asked.

Simple Roy answered, "Just keep her in the waiting room for 55 minutes!"

[bigbirdbird]

Nervous Dental Patient





A dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly lady's teeth.



He noticed that she was a little nervous, so he began to tell her a story as he was putting on his surgical gloves...

"Do you know how they make these rubber gloves?"

She said, "No?"

"Well," he spoofed, "down in Mexico they have this big building set up with a large tank of latex, and the workers are all picked according to hand size. Each individual walks up to the tank, dips their hands in, and then walk around for a bit while the latex sets up and dries right onto their hands! Then they peel off the gloves and throw them into the big 'Finished Goods Crate', and start the process all over again."

And she didn't laugh a bit!!! Five minutes later, during the procedure, he had to stop cleaning her teeth because she burst out laughing.

The old woman blushed and exclaimed, "I just suddenly thought about how they must make condoms!"

[bigbirdbird]

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong. "Well," replies Paul, "You know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"

"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh. "Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally worked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."

"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"

"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped "it" to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show".

"Sensible" says Jeff. "So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, sexiest, dress you ever saw."

"And what happened then?" "I kicked her in the face."