Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[bigbirdbird]

A man on a construction site thirty floors up had to go to the bathroom. He approached his foreman and told him that he was going down to use the restroom. The foreman told him he was crazy; by the time he got down and back up, he'd lose a half hour.

The foreman pushed a plank out over the edge of the building.He stood on one end and told the guy to go out on the other end and pee. He said, "Damn, Chuck, we're thirty floors up! Piss'll turn to vapor before it hits the ground!"

What could he do? It was his foreman, after all. So the guy gingerly heads out on the plank.

Suddenly the foreman's cell phone rang. Not even thinking, he jumped off the board to get it, sending the peeing man to his death!

At the inquest, an electrician who was working on the twenty-seventh floor was asked what he'd witnessed regarding the accident.

"I'm not really sure. I think it had something to do with sex."

The coroner said, "Sex? Why do you think that?

The electrician replied, "I saw the man falling with his dick in his hand, screaming, "Where'd that cocksucker go?"

[bigbirdbird]

A man goes to the famous Lucas Carton restaurant in Paris with his girlfriend and orders the 1928 Mouton.

The waiter returns with a bottle full of wine, pours a small amount in the glass for tasting.

The customer picks up the glass, smells the wine, and puts it down on the table with a thud. "This is not the 1928 Mouton."

The waiter assures him it is, and soon there are another twenty people surrounding the table, including the chef and the manager trying to convince the man that the wine is the 1928 Mouton. Finally someone asks him how he knows that it is not the 1928 Mouton.

"My name is Phillipe de Rothschild, and I make the wine."

Finally, the original waiter steps forward and admits that he poured the Clerc Milon 1928. "I could not bear to part with our last bottle of 1928 Mouton. You know Clerc Milon, it is in the same village as Mouton, you pick the grapes at the same time, the same cepage, you crush in the same way, you put them into similar barrels. You bottle at the same time, you even use eggs from the same chickens to fine them. The wines are the same, except for a small matter of geographic location."

Rothschild beckons the waiter forward, and whispers to him, "When you return home tonight, ask your girlfriend to remove her underwear. Put one finger in one opening, another finger in the other, then smell both the fingers. You will understand what difference a small distance in geographic location makes."

[bigbirdbird]

A man had been in a terrible car accident, and woke up in the hospital. Looking around, he noticed a doctor leaning over his bed. "Jesus doc," the man exclaimed, "what happened. Where am I."

The doctor replied "You have been in a bad car accident, and you're in the hospital, but don't worry, you're going to be all right. The bad news is that we had to amputate your right arm, above the elbow."

"Oh no," the man screamed. "I'd rather be dead. I can't go through life without my arm. Please doc, kill me. I can't go on like this........"

"Now son," said the doctor, "with the miracles of modern medicine today, we can give you a Bionic Arm. Only costs one million dollars, and it looks and works just like the real thing. Nobody will ever know it's not your own arm."

"Yeah, great," the man groaned. "And where the hell am I gonna get a million bucks. I'm better off dead."

"Hang on now," said the doctor. "We've been looking for a case like yours for a while now. We just came up with a new arm. For only ten thousand dollars, you can have it. It looks just like the more expensive one, but the only difference is that this one has a small microphone built into it, and you have to TELL the arm what to do. Other than that, it works just like the other one."

"Well," the guy says, "I can probably afford ten grand. Go ahead, sew it on."

The next day, the guy woke up in the same bed, and saw the doctor leaning over him again. "Well, doc, how did it go? Is everything all right?"

"We think that the operation was a success," replied the surgeon, "but you will have to try it out, and let us know if there are any problems with it."

Later on in the day, the guy was lying in bed, practicing with his new arm. "Lift up," he commanded. The arm lifted up. "Move right." The arm moved to the right. "Move left." The arm moved to the left. Everything seemed to be working without a hitch, and he was really pleased. All of a sudden, he had the urge to go to the bathroom.

He hopped out of bed, and proceeded into the john. "Arm, reach down and undo my zipper." The arm obeyed. "Take out my Wang." The arm obeyed flawlessly. The guy had his leak, and when he was done, he commanded, "Shake it." The arm gave it a little shake. "No, shake it harder!" The arm gave it a good shake. "Hey," the guy said, "that feels pretty good......jerk it off."

(Ouch....)

[bigbirdbird]

A man had just been married and came to work in a hurry the next day. He went up to a friend and said, "You must help me. My wife and I are both virgins and we don't know what to do!"

The friend replied, "Where are you going for your honeymoon?"

Man says, "To Disneyworld."

Friend, "OK, I'll come along with you and the first night I'll hide in the closet. if you have a problem....I'll be there."

Man, "Thank you!"

They did exactly that. The man left his wife and went to the bathroom.

He stubbed his toe as he reentered the bed and uttered an , "Oh...shit!"

His friend in the closet whispered, "Flip her over! Flip her over!"

[bigbirdbird]

Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.

The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?"

Donald frowned and said, "No."

Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex.

"Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested.

So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.

"Yes, we do," the clerk said and pulled a box out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.

The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put them on your bill?"

"Thit No!" Donald quacked, "I'd thuffocate!"

[bigbirdbird]

Damn Good Definitions

ADULTERY - The wrong people doing the right thing.

ALIMONY - The screwing you get for the screwing you got.

BABY - A hollow tube with a loud voice at one end and a complete lack of responsibility at the other end.

CANNIBAL - One who is apt to pass his best friend.

CHIVALRY - A mans inclination to defend a woman against every man but himself.

CONSCIENCE - That which hurts when everything else feels so good.

CONSTIPATION - To have and to hold.

COOKIE - A virgin doughnut.

DANCE - A Naval engagement without the loss of seamen.

DIVORCE - What happens when two people cannot stomach each other any longer.

DECOY - A flashlight in the pants pocket.

DIARY - Book of revelations.

DOCTOR - A lucky fellow who is privileged to undress women and go all over them without getting his face slapped.

ENEMA - A goose with a gush.

EXPLORATION - Beating around the bush.

FATHER'S DAY - Nine months before labor day.

GENTLEMAN - One who is always careful to rest at least half his weight on his elbows.

GIGGALO - The egg that laid the golden Goose.

GLAMOUR GIRL - a much publicized young thing who is full of oomf, and frequently full of other things; one who doesn't worry about the meat shortage.

HORSE SHOW - A lot of horses showing their asses to a lot of horses' asses showing their horses.

HUSBAND - What is left after the nerve has been killed.

KEPT WOMAN - One who wears mink all day and fox all night.

HUNG CHOW - Chinese constipation.

A KISS - Upper persuasion for lower invasion; upstairs shopping for downstairs merchandise.

MASTURBATION - A solo played on a private organ.

METALLURGIST - A man who can look at a platinum blonde and tell whether she is virgin metal or a common ore.

MINUTE MAN - One who double parks while he visits a sporting house.

MORNING - The time of day when the rising generation retires, and the retiring generation arises.

MOTHER'S DAY - Nine months after fathers day.

DONKEY BARBECUE- Where everybody gets a piece of ass.

NUN - A woman who ain't never had none, don't want none, and ain't going to get none.

NURSE - A pan handler.

NURSERY - A place to park last years fun until it grows up a bit.

PAPOOSE - Consolation prize for taking a chance on an Indian blanket.

PIMP - A crack salesman; a nookie bookie.

PREGNANCY - When a woman is all swelled up from her mate's handiwork.

RHUMBA - An asset to music.

SECRETARY - A stenographer who watches her periods.

SIN - Anything the other fellow enjoys and you don't.

SISSY - A man who gets out of the bath tub to take a leak.

SPRING FEVER - When the iron in your blood turns to lead in your pencil.

STORK - The bird that had none of the fun in bringing the babies.

TAXIDERMIST - A man who mounts animals.

TOMCAT - A ball bearing mouse trap.

TRIPLETS - Having to take seriously what was poked at you in fun.

VISE - Anything you enjoy that is bad for you.

VIRGINITY - A bubble on the stream of life, one prick and it's gone forever.

VIRGIN WOOL - Wool from a sheep that can outrun a sheep herder.

[bigbirdbird]

A beautiful, young lady about 21 went to a doctor and asked for a check-up.

The doctor claimed that he had to use a thermometer for the check-up.

So the doctor asked her, "Where shall I put the thermometer?"

The girl replied, "...uh ...not in my mouth, Doc. I might swallow it."

"Okay...let's try your armpit." the doctor suggested.

"Well, it might tickle me, Doc. How about my butt?" the girl queried.

"Okay then," so he put the thing in the girls butt.

Later, the girl while giggling exclaimed, "that's not my butt, Doc!"

The doctor replied, "That's okay dear... it's not the thermometer, either."

[bigbirdbird]

Definitions

MADAM: One who offers vice to the lovelorn.

MARCONI: The first man to send a message through a length of spaghetti without it touching the sides.

MINE SHAFT: What a German calls his dick.

MONOLOGUE: A discussion between man and wife.

NONDESCRIPT: A television play.

ODIOUS: Not very good poetry.

ORGY: Grope therapy.

PARENTS: Couples who practise the Rhythm Method.

PEDESTRIAN: A motorist with teenage sons.

PIMP: Nookie Bookie.

PIMP: Public relations man for a public relations girl.

PORNOGRAPHY: Clitertature.

PREMATURE EJACULATION: The come before the scorn.

RACIAL DISPUTE: When the course judge calls for a photo.

RED RIDING HOOD: A Russian condom.

REFLECTION: What a girl looks at, but is not given to.

SAGE: A bloke who knows his onions.

SITTING PRETTY: Sitting Bull's gay brother.

SNOW JOB: How a woman defrosts her man.

SNUFF: Sufficient unto the day.

SONATA: A song sung by Frank.

SPECIMEN: An Italian astronaut.

STALEMATE: A husband who has lost his ardour.

TEAR JERKER: A bloke who cries while wanking.

TRUE LOVE: An injection with affection to the midsection from a projection without objection.

VICE SQUAD: The pussy posse.

VICE VERSA: Dirty poetry from Italy.

VIRGIN: A girl who whispers sweet nothing doings.

VIRGIN: A girl who won't take in what a guy takes out.

VIRGIN: Any Hicksville girl who can outrun her brothers.

VIRGIN SQUAW: Wouldn't Indian.

WELSH RAREBIT: A Cardiff virgin.

WET DREAM: A snorgasm.

ANTI-CLIMAX: Bore-gasm.

CORPORATE VIRGIN: New girl in the office.

DESPERATE STRAIGHTS: Sex-starved heterosexuals.

GAELIC: An Irish Lesbian.

INCEST: Relatively boring.

INCEST: A game for the whole family to play.

LUBRICATED CONDOMS: Bedroom slippers.

MASTURBATION: I-balling.

SELF-DECEPTION: Faking an organism during masturbation.

[bigbirdbird]

David and Simon are sitting in the cafeteria discussing their weekend.

"Man this weekend was the best!" David says. "I finally scored."

Simon says, "Yeah, well I scored and it was the worst experience I've ever had."

"How so?" replies David.

Simon relates, "That girl Cecilia brought me back to her room and said she would do anything I want.

So I asked her to go down on me, and she said no problem. In the middle of the whole thing, she starts turning green, coughing like crazy and passes out."

"Damn!" Simon says. "What happened?"

David responds, "Turns out she's allergic to nuts."

[TwinTowers]

Good effort bro

[bigbirdbird]

A fellow on his wedding night in the hotel says to his new wife. "My God! I never realized you had such huge droopy breasts." The wife has a major dummy spit and throws him out of the room. While he is sitting in the hall another fellow comes out down the hall. "What happened?" asks the first man.

"Well" replies the other "I first saw my new wife naked tonight, and all I said was "Hells bells! I didn't realize you had such a big fat droopy arse..." Then she threw me out.

Just then a third fellow comes storming out into the hall with a face like thunder. "Hey" says the second fellow, "did you put your foot in it as well?"

"No" says the third fellow, "But, shit! I bloody well could have!"

[bigbirdbird]

FEMALE PRECOITIAL AGREEMENT:

I, the undersigned, agree that:

1. In the highly unlikely event of my not having an orgasm after you've drunkenly rolled on top of me, as is entirely normal and in accordance with the natural order of things, and pumped away for two minutes, I shall politely fake one. It'll be a really good act too, with me saying stuff like "Oh, you're so good, you're the best" and howling like a cat that's being repeatedly jabbed with a compass.

2. Should your mother show me any photos of you as a child, like those ones taken at your auntie's wedding where you've got a velvet bow tie and a pudding-bowl haircut, I shall make no comment. Ever. Or even look at you in a way that suggests they are all "funny".

3. I fully understand that a woman's main role in any relationship is to take the blame. So when you stub your toe in the bathroom or your football team loses, I agree that - by some complex scientific equation incomprehensible to woman - it will be my fault. Even if I wasn't there. To demonstrate my understanding of this principle, I will prepare your favourite meal or, in the event of not being able to cook, take you out for a few pints at my cost.

4. Whenever my friends and I get together for a girlie chat, I will tell them that you are better hung than a large-balled Himalayan yak and that have discovered, contrary to popular belief, that size does matter.

5. And I will also mention this to YOUR friends. A lot.

6. After sex (which I will NEVER refer to as "making love"), I will not expect you to cuddle me for hours till your arm goes dead. Nor will I let my hair annoyingly get in your face. Under no circumstances will I attempt to start a conversation as you are dropping off to sleep.

7. I will never, ever give your penis a "cute" nickname. Any references to this hallowed appendage will be prefaced with words such as "mighty", "huge" or "the thunderstick".

8. In bed, I will be as keen as mustard to try any novel sexual position you fancy. Especially ones where I do all the work and you just lie there, grinning.

9. I will ruthlessly interrogate my attractive female friends and inform you if any of them have the slightest bisexual tendencies. Then I'll invite them around for dinner. And hide their car keys so they have to stay. I understand that video footage of such incidents is an indispensable part of the experience and in the event that you do not already possess one, I will acquire a video camera for you at the earliest opportunity.

10. After we split up, I will never sleep with any of your friends or colleagues. Or anyone else you have ever met. Or may one day meet. And if men attempt to chat me up, I will solemnly inform them that you have "ruined me for other men".

11. I understand that mechanical objects like cars, computer games, barbecues and remote control devices are beyond the comprehension of women. I will only make a fool of myself if I attempt to operate them,so you're in charge of the lot. Except for the iron, the Hoover and the washing machine, of course.

Signed ____________________________________

Date ____________________

[bigbirdbird]

Father Harris was motoring along a country lane in his parish on a spring afternoon when all of a sudden he got a flat tire.

Exasperated, the priest stopped his car, got out, and assessed the damage.

Luckily a four-wheel-drive jeep rounded the bend and pulled to a stop behind the crippled vehicle.
The door to the jeep opened and out stepped a powerful hunk of a man.

"Good afternoon, Father," greeted the stranger. "Can I give you a hand?"

"Heaven be praised," rejoiced the priest. "As you can see, my son, I have a flat tire, and I must admit I've never changed one before."

"Don't worry about it, Father. I'll take care of it."

And without skipping a beat, the bruiser picked up the front of the car with one hand and removed the lug nuts from the base of the flat tire with the other.

"Why don't you get the spare from the trunk?"

"Why, ahh, yes, of course, my son," stuttered the amazed Father Harris.

The priest rolled the spare around to the strong- man who casually lifted it up with his free hand, maneuvered it into place, and proceeded to tighten the lug nuts.

"Do you need the wrench?" the Father queried.

"That's OK," the fellow told him. "These nuts are as tight as a nun's snatch."

"Hmmmm..." mused Father Harris. "I'd better get the wrench."

[bigbirdbird]

Two cowboys are out on the range talking about their
favorite sex positions:

One says, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."

"I don't think I have ever heard of that one", says the other cowboy, "what is it?"

"Well, it's where you get your girlfriend down on all fours, and you mount her from behind, and you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands, and then you whisper in her ear, "Boy, these feel just like your sister's" and then you try to hold on for 8 seconds."

[bigbirdbird]

Jerry was walking near a ladies fashion store when he observed this knockout blonde approaching him.

He says to the lady, "You are a gal with my favourite kind of legs!"

The blonde asks, "And just what kind of legs are they?"

Jerry says, " They have feet on one end and pussy on the other!"