Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[RapidoBoy]

Johnny’s Story


While walking home from school one day, little Johnny sees his Daddy’s car passing the playground and going into the woods. Somewhat curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing. He finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.

“I was at the playground and I saw Daddy’s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to see what was happening and I saw and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy….”

At this point, his mother had an idea and cut him off, “Johnny, this is such an interesting story. I think you should save the rest of it for supper time because I want to see the look on Daddy’s face when you tell it tonight.”

Later that night at the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story. He describes the car going into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat and, “Then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army.”

[RapidoBoy]

25th Anniversary



A man and his wife decide to book a hotel room for the night of their 25th wedding anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, “When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?”

The husband replied, “All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out and suck your tits dry.” T

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, “What are you thinking now?”

He replied, “It looks like I did a pretty good job!”

[RapidoBoy]

No Excuse for an Affair



A married man was having a long-term affair with his secretary.

One day, they were overcome by passion and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they both fell asleep and didn’t rouse until well into the evening. As the man hastily threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied and then he quickly slipped into his shoes and drove home.

“Where have you been?” demanded his wife when he entered the house.

“Darling, I can’t lie to you. I’ve been having an affair with my secretary and we’ve been having hot, passionate sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn’t wake up until eight o’clock.”

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, “You lying bastard! You’ve been out playing golf!”

[RapidoBoy]

James Bond’s Watch


British secret agent, James Bond, walks into the casino lounge and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman at the bar. He gives her a quick glance and then casually looks at his gold watch. Naturally, the woman notices this and asks “Is your date running late?”

“No,” answers 007. “I was just given this state-of-the-art watch by ‘Q’ and I’m field testing it.”

“Oh,” exclaims the woman. “What’s so special about it?”

“It uses alpha waves to communicate with me telapathically,” explains the tall dark secret agent.

“Well then,” begins the woman. “What is it telling you now?”

Bond looks her in the eye and says, “It says that you aren’t wearing any panties.”

The woman laughs and replies, “Well, it’s not working, that special watch… because I am wearing panties!”

Bond smirks, taps the face of the watch with his index finger “Bloody thing’s running an hour fast!”

[RapidoBoy]

Repairs


A wife was standing in the kitchen cooking dinner while here husband was in the lounge room drinking a beer and watching the game. Sure enough, it didn’t take long before she started to nag him about things that needed fixing. “Honey, you need to come in here and fix the fridge. The door is broke and if you don’t fix it the food will go bad.” She said.

He yelled back, “Who do I look like, the repair man? I Don’t think so!”

A little while later she said, “Honey, you need to fix the hall light, it’s out.”

“Who do I look like, a electrician? I don’t think so!” Came his reply.

A few minutes later She said, “Honey, you need to fix the porch step before someone gets hurt on it.”

And, once again, he quickly replied, “Who do I look like, a carpenter? I don’t think so!” Frustrated, he got up from the couch and left to go to the bar down the road.

After the game was over, he began to feel a bit guilty for the way he’d treated his wife and he went back home. However, when he arrived at the porch, he realised that the front step had already been repaired.

Without giving it too much thought, he walked into the house and found that the hall light had been fixed. Then, he walked into the kitchen to get himself a cold beer and found that the fridge was fixed.

A little perplexed, he approached his wife, “Hey babe, how did you fix all this?”

She looked at him and said, “Well after you left I began to cry on the porch. Then this fine young man walked past and noticed I was crying and he asked me what he could do to help. He fixed everything.

I asked him what I could do for payment and he said that I could either bake him a cake or sleep with him.”

The husband said, “Well, what kind of cake did you bake him?”

And the wife looked at him and replied, “Who do I look like, Betty Crocker? I don’t think so!”

[RapidoBoy]

Wife Look-a-like


A drunkard walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her lustfully. Sure enough, she quickly jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, “I’m sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her!”

“Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!” she screamed.

“That’s funny.” He muttered, “You even sound exactly like her!”

[RapidoBoy]

Girls Night Out


Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Whilst incredibly drunk and walking home, they suddenly realized they both needed to pee and, since there was a nearby graveyard, one of them suggested they squat behind a headstone or something.

The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. However, her friend was wearing expensive underwear and didn’t want to ruin hers, so she salvaged a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, the two of them made their way home.

The next day, the first woman’s husband phoned the other husband and said, “These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties!” “That’s nothing,” said the other. “Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, ‘From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!’

[RapidoBoy]

Wife Kidnapped


A couple were recently married, when the husband arrived at his house he found that his new bride was nowhere to be found. Understandably, he got deeply worried and contacted all his friends and asked where she might be without success. However, two days after his wife disappeared, the man returned home to find her in the kitchen.


He asked her what she has been up to and why she hadn’t been home for so long. She replied: “These four men kidnapped me and had wild sex with me for an entire week!”


The husband answered: “But it’s only been two days, so how could it have been a week?”


“Oh, I just came home to get something to eat!”

[RapidoBoy]

The Difference Between Men and Women


1. A man will pay $2.00 for a $1.00 item he wants. A woman will pay $1.00 for a $2.00 item she doesn’t want.

2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

4. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

5. Married men live longer than single men. Married men are also a lot more willing to die.

6. Any married man should forget his mistakes – there’s no use in two people remembering the same thing!

7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change but he doesn’t. A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change and she does.

9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

10. There are two times when a man doesn’t understand a woman – before marriage and after marriage.

[RapidoBoy]

Sex With the Lights On



There was a couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.

She looked down… and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device… a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.

She went completely ballistic. “You impotent bastard,” She screamed at him, “how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!”

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:

“I’ll explain the toy… You explain the kids!”

[fr90r]

What is the worst you find inside a half eaten apple?








Half a worm!

[RapidoBoy]

What SEX and PARKING SPACES share in common:

-You should never have to wait to find one

-You should be able to slide right into one

-Spaces in the front are always the best

-When no front spaces are available, spaces in the rear will always suffice

-It sucks when someone else is double-parked

-Your space should still be open and waiting when you get back

-It's a tragedy when you have a 'full-size' car but there are only 'compact' spaces

-A full-size car is good to find

-People are willing to wait in line for the good spaces

-Spaces with short time limits are annoying and never satisfying

-We're all looking for the free space with the "unlimited" time limit

-A house isn't a home without a parking space

-Some people are uncomfortable with a space in the rear

-Why is it best-looking cars are always the ones who only like parking in the rear?
The better your parking techniques are the more parking spaces you can get into.

[RapidoBoy]

HER STORY:

He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar, I thought it might have been because I was a bit late but he didn't say anything much about it. The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately. So we went to this restaurant and he's STILL acting a bit funny and I'm trying to cheer him up and start to wonder whether it's me or something else.

I ask him, and he says no. But you know I'm not really sure. So anyway, in the cab back to his house, I say that I love him and he just puts his arm around me. I don't know what the hell this means because you know he doesn't say it back or anything. We finally get back to his place and I'm wondering if he's going to dump me!

So I try to ask him about it but he just switches on the TV. Reluctantly, I say I'm going to go to sleep. Then, after about 10 minutes, he joins me and we have sex. But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to leave.

I dunno, I just don't know, what he thinks anymore. I mean, do you think he's met someone else?

HIS STORY:

Lousy day at work. Tired. Got laid though.

[RapidoBoy]

A Frenchwoman took her little daughter to the Louvre where they saw a statue of a nude male.

"What is that?" asked the child pointing to the penis.

"Nothing, nothing at all, Cherie," replied the mother.

"I want one," said the child.

The mother tried to focus her daughter's attention on a more suitable subject, but the little girl persisted.

"I want one just like that," she kept repeating.

At last the mother said, "If you are a good girl and stop thinking about it now, when you grow up, you will have one."

"And if I'm bad?" asked the little one.

"Then," sighed the mother, "You will have many."

[RapidoBoy]

THE INTERNET IS LIKE A PENIS



* It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up, but it makes it hard to get any real work done.

* In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information considered vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time.

* It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own devices, it will just do the same damn dumb things it did before.

* It provides a way to interact with other people. Some people take this interaction very seriously, others treat it as a lark. Sometimes it's hard to tell what kind of person you're dealing with until it's too late.

* If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread viruses.

* It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.

* We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.

* If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big trouble.

* It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your intentions, it will warp your behavior. Later you may ask yourself "why on earth did I do that?"

* Some folks have it, some don't.

* Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off. They think that those who don't have it are somehow inferior. They think it gives them power. They are wrong.

* Those who don't have it may agree that it's a nifty toy, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who do have it make about it. Still, many of those who don't have it would like to try it.

* Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop. Some people would just play with it all day if they didn't have work to do.