Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[hoonkeetan]

At the Pharmacy

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eye got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license!

They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

[hoonkeetan]

Deft definitions

ADULTERY - The wrong people doing the right thing.

ALIMONY - The screwing you get for the screwing you got.

BABY - A hollow tube with a loud voice at one end and a complete lack of responsibility at the other end.

CHIVALRY - A man's inclination to defend a woman against every man but himself.

CONSCIENCE - That which hurts when everything else feels so good.

CONSTIPATION - To have and to hold.

COOKIE - A virgin doughnut.

DANCE - A naval engagement without the loss of seamen.

DIVORCE - What happens when two people cannot stomach each other any longer.

DECOY - A flashlight in the pants pocket.

DIARY - Book of revelations.

DOCTOR - A lucky fellow who is privileged to undress women and go all over them without getting his face slapped.

ENEMA - A goose with a gush.

EXPLORATION - Beating around the bush.

FATHER'S DAY - Nine months before labor day.

GENTLEMAN - One who is always careful to rest at least half his weight on his elbows.

HORSE SHOW - A lot of horses showing their asses to a lot of horses' asses showing their horses.

HUSBAND - What is left after the nerve has been killed.

KEPT WOMAN - One who wears mink all day and fox all night.

HUNG CHOW - Chinese constipation.

A KISS - Upper persuasion for lower invasion; upstairs shopping for downstairs merchandise.

MASTURBATION - A solo played on a private organ.

METALLURGIST - A man who can look at a platinum blonde and tell whether she is virgin metal or a common ore.

MINUTE MAN - One who double parks while he visits a sporting house.

MORNING - The time of day when the rising generation retires, and the retiring generation arises.

MOTHER'S DAY - Nine months after father's day.

NUN - A woman who ain't never had none, don't want none, and ain't going to get none.

NURSE - A pan handler.

NURSERY - A place to park last year's fun until it grows up a bit.

PAPOOSE - Consolation prize for taking a chance on an Indian blanket.

PIMP - A crack salesman; a nookie bookie.

PREGNANCY - When a woman is all swelled up from her mate's handiwork.

SIN - Anything the other fellow enjoys and you don't.

SISSY - A man who gets out of the bath tub to take a leak.

SPRING FEVER - When the iron in your blood turns to lead in your pencil.

STORK - The bird that had none of the fun in bringing the babies.

TAXIDERMIST - A man who mounts animals.

VIRGINITY - A bubble on the stream of life, one prick and it's gone forever.

[bigbirdbird]

In a biology class the teacher asks, "Can anyone tell me why a flounder is flat?"

Little Johnny raises his hand.

"Go ahead, Johnny."


"My uncle told me it's because a whale raped the flounder."

"That's terrible, Johnny. I'll have to speak to your parents about this. Let's try another one. Why does a lobster's eyes protrude from its head?"

Again Johnny raises his hand.

"We'll give you another chance."

"My uncle said when the whale raped the flounder, the lobster saw it, and his eyes popped out in shock."

[bhoven]

Originally Posted by hoonkeetan

Dont mess with the cat

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he arrived home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further, and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put the little bastard on the phone, I'm lost and need directions."

good one! tks

[bigbirdbird]

Different phases of a man.

After Engagement: Superman
After Marriage: Gentleman
After 10 years: Watchman
After 20 years: Doberman
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------
There is only one perfect husband in the world and no woman has it.
.------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
Prospective husband: Do you have a book called "Man, The Master of Women"?
Sales girl: The fiction department is on the other side, sir.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
The world's thinnest book has only one word written in it:"Everything";
the book is titled: "What Women Want!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------
A man who surrenders when he's WRONG, is HONEST.
A man who surrenders when he's NOT SURE, is WISE.
A man who surrenders when he's RIGHT, is a HUSBAND
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
Girlfriends are like CHOCOLATES, taste good anytime.
Lovers are like PIZZAS, Hot and spicy, eaten frequently.
Husbands are like RICE, eaten when there`s no choice
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
Man receives telegram: Wife dead - should be buried or Cremated?
Man: Don't take any chances. Burn the body and bury the ashes.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
Q: Why dogs don't marry?
A: Because they are already leading a dog's life!
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
Fact of life: Your Mother brings you into this world crying while your Wife ensures you continue to do so for the rest of your Life!
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
Q: Why doesn't law permit a man to marry a second Woman?
A: Because as per law you cannot be punished twice for the same offence
.------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
Lady to her maid: Oh Sally, I have reason to suspect that my husband is having an affair with his secretary."
Sally : I don't believe it! You are just saying that to make me jealous!"
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
Man: I want a divorce. My wife hasn't spoken to me in six months.
Lawyer: Better think it over. Wives like that are hard to get!
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- -------
The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother and said, "I've found a man just like father."
Mother replied, "So, what do you want from me, sympathy?"

[seesaw]

A young lesbian goes to her gynecologist for her yearly pelvic examination.

She puts on the paper gown and awaits him to come into the exam room.

Doctor instructs her to get up onto the table and place her feet in the stirrups.

As he is examining her she hears him saying "mmmm... mmmhmmm".

He completes the examination, instructs her to dress and then meet him in his office when she is done.

In his office she asks him if there was anything unusual that he observed during the exam because she could not help but hear his non-verbal comments.

"Oh, that" he says." I was just admiring you. You have the cleanest vaginal area that I have ever seen in all my years of practice."

The young woman proudly smiled and replied, "Why thank you! I have a woman come in twice a week and clean it!"

[seesaw]

After the first week of sex education class, a young shapely teen stormed out of the room after the class was over.

Encountering a female friend in the hall, the friend asked, "Lori, what in the world is the matter with you ? You look as if you're about to
kill someone."

"I am !!!" Lori fumed. "You just wait until I catch up with that Dennis. All summer long, that clown had me convinced that 'foreplay' involved tossing a coin for position."

[bluecardinal]

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?”
The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
“What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.
“Hey, son! May I ask you a question?
Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”
The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”

[bluecardinal]

Two Irish guys are fishing.
The first guy reels in his line and sees that he's snagged an old bottle.
As he's taking it off the hook, a genie pops out and promises to grant him one wish. "Turn the lake into beer," he says.
The genie goes "Poof!" and the lake turns into beer.
He says to the other guy, "So what do you think?"
The other guy says, "You jerk. Now we've got to piss in the boat."

[bluecardinal]

Stewardess

A Southwest Airlines captain was helping a new blonde flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip.

Upon their arrival, the captain showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day’s route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up to ask what happened to her.

She answered the phone, crying, and said, “I can’t get out of the room!”

“You can’t get out of your room?” the captain asked. “Why not?”

She replied, “There are only three doors in here,” she sobbed, “one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says ‘Do Not Disturb’!”

[bluecardinal]

A Catholic teenager goes to confession, and after confessing to an affair with a girl is told by the priest that he can't be forgiven unless he reveals who the girl is.
"I promised not to tell!" he says.
"Was it Mary Patricia, the butcher's daughter?" the preist asks. "No, and I said I wouldn't tell."
"Was it Mary Elizabeth, the printer's daughter?" "No, and I still won't tell!"
"Was it Mary Francis, the baker's daughter?" "No," says the boy.
"Well, son," says the priest, "I have no choice but to excommunicate you for six months."
Outside, the boy's friends ask what happened. "Well," he says, "I got six months, but three good leads."

[bluecardinal]

Chicken Sandwiches

Don’t eat chicken sandwiches, no matter what…..

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends.

Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn’t a chicken sandwich.

He said, “Hey, how come you’re not eating chicken, don’t you like it anymore?”

She said “I love it but I have to stop eating it.”

“Why?” he asked.

She pointed to her lap and said “Cause I’m starting to grow little feathers down there!”

“Let me see” he said.

“Okay” and she pulled up her skirt.

He looked and said, “That’s right. You are! ?Better not eat any more chicken.”

He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He said to the little girl, “I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I’m starting to get feathers down there too!”

She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her!

She said, “Oh, my God, it’s too late for you! You’ve already got the NECK and GIZZARDS!!!

[jenny]

Enjoy reading all the jokes here...

Hope you like these...

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."


The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"

She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breast, 24" waist and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."

[jenny]

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the
poison control centre..

Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little
daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not
harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the
hospital.

She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to
mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to
kill the ants..

I told her that she better bring her daughter into the
emergency room right away..

[jenny]

Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal
a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out
of the plane and home.

Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a
$$$$$$$ Rescue Helicopter coming towards them..

It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator
beacon that activated when the raft was inflated... They are no longer
employed at Boeing.