Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[xterm8]

Book With No Story

A blond puts a book on the librarian’s desk and says,

"This book has no story and way too many characters."

The librarian says, "So that’s where the phone book went."

Freudian Slip

One day there was a priest sitting in a pew with a very worried and nervous look, and a another priest saw him and wondered what was wrong.

The second priest thought he should try to help, so he approached his distraught associate and asked him what was wrong. "Well" the first priest said, "have you ever heard of a Freudian Slip?"

"No," said the other priest.

"Well" said the first priest, "it’s when one slips and says something one is thinking usually when it is the least opportune time."

"Oh," said the second priest, "so, what happened?"

"Well, today I performed a wedding and you know the part when you say ‘I now pronounce you man and wife’?" asked the first priest.

"Yes?" said the second priest. "Well that is what I meant to say, and what I actually said was, "I now sentence you to death."

[Kyoto]

There were three jazz players getting ready for a concert. One got done early so he went to a Burger King. He went up to the manager who got mad easily and said,"I want a burger 2,3,4, a juicy burger 2,3,4, not too juicy and not too plain in the grove 2,3,4, in the grove 2,3,4." The manager decided not to let this guy bother him. Now the second jazz player comes in and says,"I want some fries 2,3,4, some salty fries 2,3,4, not too salty and not too plain in the grove 2,3,4, in the grove 2,3,4." Now the manager is mad and says,"If one more person comes in here and sings that stupid joke I'm going to scream!" So the third jazz player comes in and says,"I want a soda 2,3,4, a fizzy soda 2,3,4, not too fizzy and not too plain in the grove 2,3,4, in the grove 2,3,4. Now the manager is furious and turns around, takes off his apron and says,"Kiss my butt 2,3,4, my hairy butt 2,3,4, not to the left and not to the right in the grove 2,3,4, in the grove 2,3,4!

[Kyoto]

Cake
The corner shop baker was a true artist when it came to making birthday cakes. One customer asked him "can you make a birthday cake for my wife, she's an optician?" He agreed and produced a birthday cake in the perfect detail of a winking eye.

His next customer said " can you make a birthday cake for my husband, he's a dentist." He agreed and produced a cake in the shape of an open mouth, including the teeth and tongue.


At that moment another customer began to leave his shop, when the baker asked "can I help you?" The lady turned and said"no, I don't think so,it's my husband birthday today, but he's a gynaecologist".

[Kyoto]

Mexico Jokes

Q: What were the 2 Mexican FireFighting Brother's names?
A: Hose A and Hose B

Jose arrives at the Mexican border on his bike with 2 huge bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and asks: "What's in the bags?"

"Senior, It's only sand." replies Jose.

"Sand??? Well, we'll just see about that - get off the bike!"

The guard takes the bags, rips them open, empties them out and finds nothing in them...except sand. Detaining Jose overnight, the sand is analysed, but only to discover it is in fact simply sand.

Jose is released, the sand is put into new bags and placed on Jose's shoulders, and he is let across the border.

Next day, same thing happens. The guard asks: "What you got there?"

"Sand," says Jose.

A thorough examination of the bags again shows there to be nothing but sand, and subsequently Jose is allowed to ride across the border.

For a whole year this continues until one day Jose doesn't show up, and the guard discovers him in a Cantina in Mexico.

"Hey, Bud," says the guard, "I know you're smuggling something. For a year it's driven me crazy. It's all I can think about... I can't get sleep, the kids are getting neglected...heck, even the dog senses I'm beginning to lose it! Between you and me, just what are you smuggling?"

Jose sips his beer, smiles and replies: "Bicycles..."



Aimara, a Mexican maid announced to her Boss Mr Blanco and his wife that she was quitting. When asked why, she replied, "I'm in the family way."

The wife was totally surprised and shocked, and asked who it was.

The maid replied, "Your husband and your son."

Mrs Blanco was mortified and demanded an explanation.

"Well," Aimara explained, "I go to the library to clean it and your husband say, 'You are in the way'. I go to the living room to clean and your son say 'You are in my way'. So I'm in the family way and I quit."


This Mexican dude was taking a pee on the side of a building and this Texan sees him. After the Mexican is done the texan bloke asks him, "How come you Mexicans don't wash your hands after you pee?"
The Mexican smiles, "Senior, we Mexicans don't piss in our hands..."


A big tough Mexican man married a good-looking Mexican lady and after the wedding, laid down the following rules:

"Honey, I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want - and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozin, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules! Any comments?"

His lovely new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there'll be sex here at eight o'clock every night - whether you're here or not."



Did you hear about the Mexican who threw his wife over a cliff?
When the police officer asked him why he'd done it he said, "Tequila! Tequila!"


What kind of cans are there in Mexico?
Mexicans.

[Kyoto]

This fellow was sitting at the counter in a truck stop diner eating lunch. He was rather small in stature, bespectacled, and wearing a suit with a bow-tie.

On the stool next to him was his dog, an unusually-small, Mexican Chihuahua. He was surrounded by big rough-looking, rough-talking truck drivers, and he was catching a lot of ribbing about his tiny, little dog. He continued in silence eating his lunch. When he finished, he got off his stool, paid his bill, and he and his dog walked out of the diner.

A few moments later, the small man returns and timidly asks, “Does anyone in here own a Doberman?”

The roughest of the truck drivers rises and walks over to the little man and says, “Yeah, the Doberman’s mine. What about ‘im?”

The little guy replies, “I’m afraid my dog just killed your dog.”

The truck driver, bristling, bellows, “How could YOUR dog possibly have killed MY dog?”

The little man responds, “Well, your dog choked on him.”

[Kyoto]

An Irishman, a Mexican and a redneck were doing construction work on the scaffolding of a tall building. They were eating lunch. The Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time, I'm going to jump off too." The redneck opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

Next day the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death. The Mexican opens his lunch, sees a burrito and jumps too. The redneck opens his lunch, sees the bologna and jumps to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife is weeping. She says, "I I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!" The Mexican's wife also weeps and says, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the redneck's wife. "Hey, don't look at me," she said. "He makes his own lunch."

[Kyoto]

Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second. "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico." The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need - a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc. They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work. The first guy jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, the second guy isn't able catch him, he falls again, bounces and comes back up again. This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, the second guy misses him. The first guy falls again and bounces back up. This time, he comes back pretty messed up - he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?" The first guy says, "No, the cord was fine, but what the heck is a 'pinata'?"

[bigbirdbird]

All About Farts

Remember we all do it some time or another!

A fart can be quiet,
A fart can be loud,
Some leave a powerful,
Poisonous cloud


A fart can be short,
Or a fart can be long,
Some farts have been known
To sound like a song......


A fart can create
A most curious medley,
A fart can be harmless,
Or silent but deadly.


A fart might not smell,
While others are vile,
A fart may pass quickly,
Or linger a while......


A fart can occur
In a number of places,
And leave everyone there,
With strange looks on their faces.


From wide-open prairie,
To small elevators,
A fart will find all of
Us sooner or later.


But farts are all bad,
Is simply not true-
We must not forget.......
Sweet old farts like me and you!

[DragonQQ]

The chinese says

Farts are a normal gas,
Come out and roam the earth,
Who are you to be greedy,
Suck it all up to your brain....

[Grande]

Thanks for the joke.

[MKKG]

Fart is like a 21 gun salute from port arse announcing the arrival of shit.

[dirtyhairy]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

All About Farts
...But farts are all bad,
Is simply not true-
We must not forget.......
Sweet old farts like me and you!

Yo Bro Not one but Three
Indeed your prose on farts is funny
and Laobaby likes the part on old farts like me
unlike some of today's young upstarts
who can even burp aloud as they fart
but if old farts can only go poot, poot
it's better than those inside lift sneak farts that are so rude

[beary]

There were three babies in a woman's stomach, and they were discussing what they would like to be when birthed and grown up.

The first one said "I wanna be a plumber."

The others laughed at this, and asked "why a plumber?"

He replied, "so I can fix the pipes in here, its kinda leaky."

The second one said "I wanna be an electrician."

The others laughed at this and asked "why an electrician?"

He replied, "so I can get some lights in here, its dark!"

The third one said "I wanna be a boxer."

The others thought this was hilarious, and laughed for a full 5 minutes, before asking, "why in God's name do you want to be a boxer?"

He replied, "so I can beat the hell out of that bald guy who keeps coming in here and spitting on us!"

[beary]

There Are Four Kinds Of Sex

HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.

BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.

HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YOU"

COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.

[beary]

There are these two gay men, named Gilbert and Brian, driving happily along in their car. As they came to an intersection, they stopped for the red light.

All of a sudden a big semi-trailer comes crunching through the back of their car!

Gilbert and Brian were really pissed!

Gilbert says to Brian to get out of the car to tell off the truck driver.

So Brian gets out of the car and approaches the truck driver, who apparently is one huge mother trucker (tattoos and all)!

"You bloody idiot! Look at what you've done to our beloved car!", exclaims Brian. "You're going to pay for this damage you know!"

"Suck my dick!", shouts the truck driver.

This prompted Brian to go back to his car, to discuss the situation with Gilbert.

"I think he wants to settle out of court, Gilbert."