Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[birdie8819]

A circus owner ran an ad for a lion tamer and two people showed up. One as an older man in his mid-60's and the other was a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in her mid 20's.

The circus owner told them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer, so you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment, a chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The blonde said, "I'll go first." She walked past the chair, the whip and the gun and stepped right into the lion's cage. The lion started to snarl and pant and began to charge her. About half way there, she threw open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stopped dead in his tracks sheepishly crawled up to her and started licking her feet and ankles. He continued to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rested his head at her feet. The circus owner's mouth was on the floor. He said, "I've never seen a display like that in my life."

He then turned to the older man and asked, "Can you top that?"

The older man replied, "No problem, just get that lion out of the way."

[birdie8819]

Three nuns were in the church discussing various rumors about the local priest. The first nun reported, "I was going through Father's office the other day, and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines!

The other nuns gasped. "What did you do?" they demanded.

"Well, of course I threw them in the trash," she replied.

The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in the Father's room putting away the laundry, and I found a bunch of condoms!

"Oh my!" gasped the other nuns, stunned at this apparent violation of the priest's chastity vow.

"What did you do???" they asked.

"I decided to teach him a lesson," said the second nun.

"I poked holes in all of the condoms!"

The third nun fainted.

[birdie8819]

Q. What's the difference between mayonnaise & semen?
A. Mayonnaise doesn't hit the back of a girl's throat at thirty miles an hour.


*********


GIRLS REACTION TO PENIS SIZES
9 INCHES - Oh Shit, pain!!
7 INCHES - Oh, I'm in heaven
6 INCHES - OH PERFECT
5 INCHES - UMMMM OK
4 INCHES - PUSH MORE
3 INCHES - IS THAT IN???
2 INCHES - IDIOT!! JUST USE YOUR TONGUE!!

AGES OF VAGINA:
16 TO 19 BRAND NEW.
20 TO 28 SLIGHTLY USED
29 TO 36 SECOND HAND
37 TO 45 SUBJECT TO REPAIR
46 TO 55 FOR LUBRICATION
56 TO 60 TOTAL WRECK
61 TO 70 CLOSED FOR RENOVATION!!!!!!!

[birdie8819]

Girls You Might See in the Restroom

SELFISH GIRL: Enters alone and locks the door, saying to the girls following that she will be out in a minute. Leisurely pees. Remarks, adjusts clothes and poses before mirror keeping others squirming outside for an hour.

TIMID GIRL: Turns on faucet full force. Backs up to toilet, raises dress and squats quickly. Listens intently to learn if sound other than faucet can be heard.

CONCEITED GIRL: Approaches toilet with undulating movements. Raises dress by finger tips. Expression while peeing indicates such a lovely creature should not be compelled to attend to such lowly duties. Farts silently and disdainfully.

HARDY GIRL: Raises dress with a whoop. Scuttles across the floor beating other occupant to toilet. Squats with great force, rattling windows and causing breasts to bob up and down, hums lively tune, peeing in squirts to keep time, farts loudly and with great glee.

DRUNKEN GIRL: Wobbles to toilet. After several attempts manages to raise dress. Squats on toilet with shrieks of laughter. Pees for a while, singing happy songs, suddenly starts to sob broken heartedly as she realizes that she forgot to pull down her panties. Continues peeing and sobbing.

SLOPPY GIRL: Slip drops into toilet while squatting, never uses toilet paper. Drags her business across the seat, getting seat wet. Never flushes toilet. Emerges with back of skirt caught in her panties.

WORRIED GIRL: Squats thoughtfully, counting days overdue on fingers. Uses toilet paper and examines it carefully and hopefully. Peers into toilet before flushing, resolving never to go to bed drunk again.

THE I DON'T CARE GIRL: Just squats and fires away.

STUBBORN GIRL: Believes all public places are contaminated. Stands three feet in front of toilet, backs up, takes careful aim and fires away, always misses, but will try again.

[nightsmith]

There were three women who were at the gynecologist having pre-natal checkups The doctor asked the first woman "in what position was the baby conceived?"

"He was on top ", she replied.
"You will have a boy!" the doctor exclaimed.

The second woman was asked the same question.
"I was on top ", was the reply.
"you will have a baby girl. " said the doctor.

With this, the third women, a blonde, burst into tears.
"What's the matter?" asked the doc.
"Am I going to have puppies?”.....

NS

[nightsmith]

Calvin bought his wife Wendy a beautiful diamond ring for her birthday.

After hearing about this extravagant gift, his friend Tony asked, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty, four wheel drive vehicles?"

"She did," he replied. "But where am I going to find an imitation Landrover?"

NS

[beary]

A gorilla is walking through the jungle. He parts the bushes by the watering hole and sees a lion taking a drink of water with his butt sticking up in the air.

The gorilla thinks to himself that it would be really funny if he snuck up behind this "King of the Jungle" and slipped him the ol' Liberace. So the gorilla sneaks up on his tiptoes behind the lion, grabs him by the hips, and starts fucking him up his ass as hard as he can.

Then he pulls out and runs away, laughing his head off. He thinks it's the funniest thing he's ever done in his life, fucking the "King of the Jungle" up the ass.

The lion is pissed. "Rrroooooaarrrr!!!" he says, and runs after the gorilla.

Now, the gorilla can't run very fast, and the lion keeps getting closer and closer, so the gorilla ducks into an empty safari camp, puts on a set
of safari cloths with the pith helmet and everything, picks up a paper, sits down with the paper held up in front of his face, and makes like he's reading it.

Just then, the lion walks in. "Rrroooooaarrrr!!!" he says. "Did you just see a big gorilla run through here?"

The gorilla starts shaking under the paper. "Uh, you mean the one that just f-fucked the lion up the ass?" he stutters.

The lion sits up with a start and says, "Jesus! It's in the paper already!?"

[beary]

Top 12 Signs Your Soda Contains Viagggra

12 - Its theme song is "I'd Like To Teach The World To Schwing."

11 - Available in two terrific flavors: 7" Up and Mount 'n' Do.

10 - As you walk away from the recycling bin, you can hear the cans un-crushing themselves.

9 - Severe headache, upset stomach, blue-tinted vision -- oh wait, that's just regular ol' Diet Mountain Dew.

8 - When you shake it up, it pays you 50 dollars.

7 - New surprisingly-graphic 7-Up label banned in 37 countries.

6 - New meaning given to the term "soda jerk"!

5 - The Pepsi Challenge now involves a stopwatch, 2 quarts of Mazola, and the Rockettes.

4 - The gal taking your order at McDonald's remarks -- "Oh, it'll be supersized, all...right!"

3 - When you dump a cooler of it over your coach's head, his hair goes all Don King.

2 - In the blind taste test, it's pretty obvious which one guys prefer.

And the SUREST SIGN that soda contains VIAGGGRA....

1 - You catch your wife pouring it on your corn flakes!

[beary]

A guy traveling through Mexico on vacation lost his wallet and all of his identification. Cutting his trip short, he attempted to make his way home but was stopped by the U.S. Customs Agent at the border.

"May I see your identification, please?" asked the agent.

"I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet," replied the guy.

"Sure buddy, I hear that every day. No ID, no entry," said the agent.

"But I can prove I'm an American!" he exclaimed. "I have a picture of Ronald Reagan tattooed on one side of my butt and George Bush on the other."

"This I gotta see," replied the agent.

With that, the guy dropped his pants and showed the agent his behind.

"By golly, you're right!" exclaimed the agent. "Have a safe trip back to Chicago ."

"Thanks!" he said. "But how did you know I was from Chicago?"

The agent replied, "I recognized Obama in the middle."

[cheekydick]

On A trip To Zoo

A young boy goes to the zoo with his father. As they are passing the elephant exhibit the youngster looks over at the elephant.
After a few seconds he turns to his Dad and asks "Dad, what's that hanging down from the elephant?"
His father replies "That's his trunk son."
"No, no, Dad," says the boy, "at the back."
"Oh, that's his tail" replies his father.
"No, Dad," the boy says, "Between his legs."
The father looks over and replies "That's his penis, son."
The young lad thinks about the answer for a minute, and then says to his father "Last week Mommy told me that was nothing."
"Well son," replies his father, "You have to remember that your mother is a very spoiled woman."

[cheekydick]

Some Pretty Optimistic Wishing

A family are driving in their car on holidays. A frog crosses the road and the husband, who is driving, is able to stop the car. He gets out and takes the frog and carries him to the side of the road.
The frog is grateful, thanks the man and tells him that he will grant him a wish.
The man says, "Please make my dog win the next dog race."
The frog asks to look at the dog, which limps out of the car. The frog notices that the dog only has three legs, it very fat, and can barely move at all so he tells the man that he thinks it is almost impossible to fulfil his wish and asks that the man will tell him another wish.
The man says, "Well, then please make my wife win the next beauty contest in the area. The frog asks him to tell his wife to get out of the car.
Wife comes out of the car and approaches the frog.
The frog turns to the man and says, "Could I please have another look at the dog?"

[cheekydick]

The Lone Ranger Learns avaluable Lesson

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were riding on the range one day. The two came to a stop, where Tonto jumped off his horse and put his head on the ground to listen to see if anyone was coming.
After a few seconds he rose and said, "Buffalo come."
The Lone Ranger was amazed and proclaimed "Damn you Indians are smart, how the hell did you know there were buffaloes coming?"
Tonto replied, "Face sticky."

[cheekydick]

Bob The Atheletic Sperm

Once there was a sperm named Bob. When all the other sperm were just swimming around, Bob was doing sprints and lifting weights all the other sperms asked him one day, "Why don't you just swim around like us?"
Bob replied, with a smirk, "well, when the time comes, I'm gonna be the first one there".
The others told him it was just destiny, but he said it wasn't. So, the day finally came when they were called upon. They were swimming along when Bob pulled ahead of the rest. Suddenly he stopped and turned around and headed back.
The others asked him why he turned around and he said, "back up boys it's a BLOW JOB!"

[cheekydick]

Defending her Honour

One evening a husband comes home to his apartment very roughed up. When his wife sees him she asks, "What happened to you?"
"I got into a fight with the apartment manager."
"Whatever for?"
"He said he had slept with every woman in the complex except one!"
The woman replied, "I bet it's that snooty Mrs. Gellar on the third floor."

[nightsmith]

An older man was fortunate enough to meet a younger woman who claimed to have fallen in love with him, but unfortunately he was unable to
last very long before he would orgasm during sex. A caring man, he was
concerned that he was disappointing his new lover,so he called his doctor
for advice.
The doc told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last
longer during the act. The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it."
He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't
doit in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open.
He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.

Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck
over on the side of the highway, got out and crawled underneath as if
he was examining the truck.
Satisfied with the privacy, he pulled down his pants and started to masturbate.
He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he was about to cum, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not
wanting to lose his mental concentration, he kept his eyes shut
and replied, "What?"
He heard, "This is the police. What the hell are you doing?"
The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."
The cop says, "Well, you better check your brakes too, because your truck
rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago.

NS