My crazy lifestyle & the price I paid for it

[georgemagnum]

Originally Posted by sane

I feel for u, gal. Did u hv a good mini confinement? Pls avoid cold drinks, "liang" food.

Take good care of your health, there's a hearsay saying that "1 abortion = 3 live delivery". Don't belittle the impact, it could affect your future to conceive and could increase the risk of miscarriages in future pregnancies so pls take good care of your health.

Human are full of emotions, once a mum, forever a mum. Even if u r a mum only for 1 day, u will still feel for your child. Moreover it's your first pregnancy.

What doesn't kill us makes us stronger. Look at the shining stars at night, they are the angel babies n if fate allows, your angel will return to be be your bb when u r in a better position to give he/her a proper family. Move on and put your past behind you.

Meanwhile, Work hard for your future, take up more courses and see how far your potential goes.

Go for those who is sincere to be your friends. K is just pure disgusting and he is not even fit to be a man. Forget about A, forget about K. Start life afresh.

Save your best only for the one who deserve you. Sleep only with the man who truly cherish and treasure you, n really really loves you.

Find a man who loves you more than u love him. Only when we take ourselves seriously in life, people will take us seriously.

Very well said, SS.
Applause ......

gm

[shinnz]

Take care. My prayers go out to you. I know nothing will erase history, but your future is in your own hands to build something out of. The worst is over, you can only get better.

[kristin18]

Really touched by all the encouraging comments. I know I say this in every post but I never thought I'd be able to find solace in a sex forum but it's heartwarming to see that there are so many forumers who have so much care & concern to offer. Thank you all so much. Believe it or not, I read my PMs & the words of encouragement posted in this thread regularly, especially so when I think about my baby & am feeling down. I don't delete any of my PMs. Reading them always warms my heart over & over again. =)

Some updates on what's been happening:

Sometime back I attended a friend's birthday gathering at one of the clubs. I thought I was safe since that club wasn't one of K's regular haunts. Little did I expect to see him there. This was the first time I'd seen him in months. Almost half a year, I think. The moment I saw him I was too stunned to react. I don't know if what happened after that was because of the alcohol but I threw myself at him & gave him a hug. He hugged me back as well, but there was some sort of uncertainty in his eyes. I don't know exactly what look it was, but it sure didn't seem that he was unhappy to see me. I think he expected me to hate him & beat him up when I saw him....... But strangely I didn't feel that way. All I can say is I immediately thought of my baby, our baby, & there was an unexplainable discomfort in my heart.

I needed some fresh air so I stepped out for a smoke. Tears welled up in my eyes. I really cannot explain in words why I felt this way. Maybe seeing him reminded me of what had happened, seeing him brought back the pain of having to kill my child, our child. Or maybe it's something else, but I just can't put into words the reason for the ache that coursed through my body. Did I miss him? I don't know. But I think I'd developed some feelings for him solely because of the baby. Solely because the baby that grew inside me for two months was a product of him & me. Does this make sense? Oh god. I don't think I'm making any sense. In any case, it hurt like fuck. It hurt like fuck for the whole night. Forgive me for I cannot explain well the strange feeling that overcame me when I saw K.......

I took a deep breath & told myself to bravely face up to it. This was the first step I had to take in order to move on. I went back in. K & I caught up for a bit. We asked each other about our lives, but it was awkward in a way. We had to avoid that topic that I'm sure was on both our minds the whole time. I'd like to think that we were both sad & sorry about what happened.

When I was about to leave, I told K that I was going off soon & told him to take care. We embraced each other again & K told me, "what's passed is past. Let's put it all behind us. From now on, we're friends, yes?" I smiled & nodded my head. I didn't know how I felt then. I didn't know how to feel.

For those who are wondering, yes, I still do think of my baby. More often than I would wish to. I'm still haunted by the guilt at times & as I'm typing this, there's a dull ache in my heart & a lump in my throat. I don't know how long it will take for me to completely recover from this emotionally, but I know that even if I have to live with the guilt for the rest of my life, I truly deserve it. =(

[tomabcde8]

Sis, everybody's been in deep shit someplace sometime, the most important thing is to be able to stand up again, there's still people around you who care, so be brave and live your life to the fullest.

[sunshine666]

I just read all ten pages of this thread!

It was a well written story. Thank you for sharing.

Assuming it is 100% true, TS, you really can get a better job. If you need help, I offer my services.

[DraGor]

Finally completed. All the best TS

[DrunkTeddy]

Fantastic job TS

[UnitTrusts]

I'm sorry to hear of your experience. Nobody deserves to be knocked up and then left alone to deal with the shit that comes along with it.

It may not be relevant for me to say this now as I assume K is probably out of your life entirely (I certainly hope so), but I just wanna tell you, he's a fucking coward. If you and him were in your early teens, I could at least understand (but not agree) of his chickening out. However, he's in his 30's and he should have known better. He could have had at the very least offer you advice or support (both emotional and financial). To say he's a coward is a mere understatement.

Look, IMO, his saying of "what's past is past let's put it behind us we'll still be friends blah blah" all that bullshit is just something that smells completely of selfishness. Why? Because he is still using a coward's way of making HIMSELF feel better. To put an end to his disgusting deed. Because seriously, how is any of that any solace to you in any way? Am I right?

Now, moving forward, I sincerely hope you find yourself moving away from clubbing or by your own definition, "crazy lifestyle", and allow yourself a new experience or direction. It helps. I am a guy but I'm speaking from experience (minus being knocked up). Clubbing was an avenue for me to numb my then misery but it also created a lot of blind spots I couldn't at that time check properly. I realised at the end, if I needed solace, I shouldn't have sought for it in chaos. I don't know how much this will mean to you but I'm just happy if you seen my writing this down.

Also, even though I don't personally know you, and as much as I could have gotten out from your sharing, my gut tells me your calibre deserves a much better paying job. Adapt a new focus in your life and the time you use working towards it will help a lot. It really does. Not only you spend lesser time thinking of unnecessary guilt or feeling sorry for yourself (I did), the new environment also had a therapeutic "clean slate" effect for me. To add more credibility and hopefully confidence in you, I myself was a diploma drop out due to attendance issue. But I'm doing good right now because I'm not stupid just because I didn't get that paper. I still get paid according to my performance.

Lastly, my suggestion is if you need a closure of sorts, regardless of your religion belief, maybe you'd like to conduct a "send-away" ritual (超度) for your unborn baby. I know of an authentic religious man who does this monthly for all spirits still on this earth. Many people go to him because of his kind heart and spiritual affinity to perform such ritual. He can help bring your unborn child to a better place. That's probably what you can do for yourself and the foetus, I guess.

I realise this is a long post and I just hope it brings some encouragement and also hopefully helpful suggestions to you. You deserve more than better.

[bloggert]

Thanks kristin. Somehow you're story reminds me of this song:-

[henabi]

TS, your story reminded me of my events with my wife-to-be about 7yrs ago.

We were only 3months into our relationship and of course, we had unprotected sex and she got pregged. She was the one she suggested the abortion as we were too you g and I was still serving NS with a fucking miserable $450/month allowance.

Both of us were terribly sad about it...

Tbh, till today, we still talked about "what if we kept Jovier at that time? Right now he would probably be in Pri One Liao...."
And our eyes would be teary...

But what done is done... Be strong TS. I am delighted that you are able to find comfort in SBF ^.^

[Bigbluebird]

It's very nice to read such personal life stories, TS you have opened our eyes to the side of how women feel in such situation

[kristin18]

It's been a long time since I logged into the forum, & I'm glad to still see very kind messages in my inbox. Every time I log into the forum I anticipate reading the nice messages left behind by some very kind bros out here. =)

Hmm...... Just a short update on what's been happening.

According to K's Facebook, he is now in a relationship & also has a newborn daughter donno how this sounds to you guys but it sure sounds like a mess to me anyway, not that it bothered me much, though I did think that it wasn't fair that he did the same thing to someone else but that someone else got the chance to keep his baby while I didn't.

I still keep the photo of my foetus' ultrasound scan in my wallet. I bring it around with me wherever I go. 3 of my closest girlfriends know about this incident & when I show them the photo from time to time, the first question they ask me is "throw away already lah, why you still keep?"

Honestly, I donno how to answer them. I think this is sth they really cannot understand. Even IF I do throw the photo away (which will probably never happen), I am not able to erase the memory from my mind. & besides, the photo is the only thing I have left of my very first child. The child that I unfortunately couldn't keep. If I had kept my baby, I would be 6 months pregnant now, & would soon be entering my 3rd trimester. I can't say I have completely let go coz I know there is still a wound in my heart that's yet to heal. In a way I still feel like there's a part of me missing, that the day I went for the surgery was the day I had a part of me removed. Nothing's the same anymore. Babies & pregnancies are now a sensitive topic to me.

I donno if my future partner will be able to accept this part of my past. I know I could just tell him that I aborted my ex bf's baby because we were just too young at that time. I know I don't have to tell him the exact truth that the baby was a product of a ONS. To me, it's a harmless white lie coz to be honest, I don't think any sane guy would be able to accept the truth if I presented it as it really is.

& the worst thing is I am afraid that it may be difficult for me to give birth again in future.

As for K, I can't say I still hate him. I donno how I feel towards him now. Maybe a part of me has forgiven him but a part of me still holds a grudge towards him. I know it is better for me to let go -- not just of my grudge towards him, but rather to let go of everything related to this incident -- but it's really easier said than done. I've tried to move on but I can't help thinking of this incident from time to time.

Moving on is really not easy. It's been 4 months since the surgery. Somehow I still wish that things had turned out differently.


--

Edit: Call this a coincidence or what, but 34 minutes ago, K just posted 7 photos of his newborn baby. I think the baby was just born today. My heart feels a little sour and uneasy after seeing the photos.

[papereleven]

TS, good to see that you are moving on, albeit slowly. Nevertheless it is still progress.

I won't say that I understand your situation, since I am not you nor have experiences similar to yours. But I have to say, when you do find the right guy, he will not mind any past blemishes in your past. Sounds extremely naive, yes, but nonetheless, I have seen it happen.

As for your potential difficulty in giving birth, it doesn't mean that you can't bear a child. If all else fails, there is the option of adoption.

Regarding the issue of closure, I will echo UnitTrusts' suggestion of having a 超度 ritual for the unborn child. This will definitely be an option you might wish to consider.

Lastly, do be strong.

[deludedgal]

Take care TS.

[chatlovers]

TS, well like many others said why worry about K. Specially after knowing that he had been impregnating ladies freely. In fact you were not the first one he impregnated.

I believe you will get over this n feel better when u will become mother in d future.
Hope u find someone responsible n caring in your life soon.